Its a little ambitious, but I think its time for an MST of an entire fan fiction. The story is probably undeserving of this, but its verging on 87 chapters - it should be a good source of lulz for quite a long while.
Today's Ordeal
Part 1: Prolouge
Part 2: Departure
- Spoiler:
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Right!
Wrong
So here is the start of my Crystal Chronicles Adventure! Yay! This will be a long story, just FYI, and don't worry; I'll try to keep it updated.
Translation: I'm a poor and inexperienced writer. Luv meh!
This first chapter is pretty short, but they'll get better and longer.
Most of this is true. I should mention most chapters are on the verge of fifteen pages. Very little happens in most of them.
NOTE: I did not write this. This is the prologue from the information booklet. Also, I do not own Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles.
Lazy much?
Prologue….
First, take off your pants.
Seek the water of life.
...
Long ago, miasma swallowed the world. Its very touch was fatal, and it claimed many lives. But we have since discovered a way to hold it at bay.
The only way to fight it: SWEET RAVE PARTIES!
Crystals protect us from miasma. Smaller crystals now guard the villages of the world, while greater ones guard the cities. We all live our lives within the embrace of the crystal's blessing.
By crystals, they mean glowsticks.
The power of the crystals is not limitless, however; it gradually diminishes over time.
Truly the worst thing about glowsticks.
We must rekindle the crystal's radiance each year by purifying them with myrrh.
Which I saw at Wal-Mart the other day. 26.7889696898 % off even.
In turn, they protect us from the miasma for another year.
So Myrrh is some sort of protection money. I understand completely.
But myrrh cannot be found just anywhere. We must seek it in the dank depths of dungeons, across forbidding mountains, even beyond the sea.
In other words, in Dungeons. In other words, Wal-Mart
This task falls to groups of young men and women sent off each year by every town the world over. It is their duty to collect myrrh and bring it home. They are known as the crystal caravans.
I'd call it carpooling, but to hell with what I say.
These are the tales of the Tipa caravan's adventures.
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So, I heard you like binary
Right, it's nothing special, but it's just a start.
You know its not a good sign when even the author is a downer about its work.
NEXT TIME: Meet the caravanners!
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Okay, so this is the REAL first chapter. Now we meet the characters!
Obviously. You called it a prologue for a reason. But then again, you didn't even write it.
It was departure day. The day that the caravan of Tipa would leave on its quest to gather myrrh.
Sam couldn't believe it.
He never thought he would see the day when HE, of all people, would get to join seven others to travel around the world.
He, the antisocial who somehow whips a boomerang out of his ass and eventually shows off his pseudo-leadership.
lol "Hope"
Sam wiped off his face and let out a sigh.
Downer
He had been working at the farm all morning.
Wuss
Sixteen years old, and tall with brown hair and eyes, Sam was a Clavat, the most peaceful race known to exist on this world.
Generic as all hell. Obviously the hero of the story.
Obvious MST: What the hell is a clavat?
He wore a white and red jacket, as well as some matching trousers to go with it. He also had on some boots.
Everything except his pink jacket was translucent, we can probably assume.
As he walked out of the farmland, picking up his sword and shield on the way, he was met by his family.
They wore translucent clothes as well. Hippies they were.
"Good luck out there," said his father. "You return here safe, got it?"
In other words, you're gonna die, you little punk.
"Be sure to stay healthy, and we'll send you food from home," said his mother, with a sad smile.
In other words, we will not send you anything.
"Goodbye," chorused his little sister and brother.
"And good riddance." They chorused after he walked away. Then they when back to farming LSD.
"Don't worry," Sam assured with a grin. "I'll be back. This is gonna be the greatest adventure of my life!"
OH SHITE HE'S STILL HERE!
He said that about going to Kroger with his mom one time. He came back with a fishing hook through his nose. That day certainly was an adventure.
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"Well, I'm all packed," said Star.
Star was also sixteen
She's legal in Michigan!
and also a Clavat.
Obvious MST: Once more, what the hell is a clavat?
She had long brown hair and a white and tan coat, and some matching pants to go with it.
Sadly, no transulcent clothes.
She was a sweet, kind girl. Her family was the rancher family of the village.
Rancher families were like highlanders.
Eh, nevermind.
She threw her pack over her shoulder, and walked out.
...you forgot your pack, dumbass.
A cow was outside, and it looked sadly at her.
The other cows were inside having a sweet rave party. Oh, those furries.
"Don't worry, Bessie," she said, smiling. "I'll be back before you know it." As she walked on, she was met by her mother.
She too, was a cow, if you know what I mean.
"Come back soon," she said to her. "Your father didn't want to say goodbye. He's ashamed because he's crying inside the barn. He's really going to miss you. And so am I."
MANLY TEARS ARE MANLY! WOMAN NO UNDERSTAND
"I know, mum," said Star. "But don't worry. The caravan will be back soon."
Only a year from now.
"I know," said her mother, wiping a tear. "You've grown up so fast."
Star pulled her into a hug, and then ran off, waving goodbye as she did.
She then tripped and turned into a rabbit. Somehow. It was really awkward.
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"Come on! You stupid thing!" growled the Lilty. "Why won't you zip up?"
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL MAN!? WHY THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU USING SUCH A FUCKING AWFUL WORD LIKE STUPID IN A FANfuckingFICTION!? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
lol Golden Sun lol
The 16 year old Lilty was struggling to fit some bread in his bag.
I think we all know what he's really doing.
Oh, and what the hell (sigh) is a Lilty?
Garrett belonged to the miller family, much to his disdain. He had the heart of a warrior, and was short tempered. His family was not blacksmiths, or alchemists, but MILLERS! Where was the power and strength in THAT family trade?
THIS IS NOT FORESHADOWING.
After struggling with the bag for over 10 more minutes, he managed to fit everything in. He put on his armor and gauntlets (making sure not to mess up his hair tuft).
CAUSE IF ANYTHING TOUCHES MAH DOO: SHIT. BLOWS. UP.
He walked outside, and was met by his family by the waterwheel.
"Time for you to go," said his father gruffly. "Don't let the monsters get you."
(Let them tear you to shreds. Please.)
"And eat plenty of bread," added his mom, with a warm smile. "We'll send you plenty."
"Go kick some butt!" said his older brother, pulling the younger Lilty into a headlock and giving him a "goodbye noogie."
He was used to this. Along with the ‘goodbye noogie’, there was the ‘farewell kick to the crotch’, the ‘friendly impalement’, etc. It was all in good fun.
"Hey! Cut it out!" shouted Garrett. He squirmed out, and stomped away, throwing a halfhearted wave over his shoulder.
He’s not even close to water, where’d the wave come from?
"Don't forget the bread!" called his mother.
IT ONLY TOOK ME TEN FUCKING HOURS TO GET INTO MAH BAG!
Garrett let out a groan. "Yeah, mum!"
I think I make a better Garrett.
Nieta grinned. This was going to be great! She had everything packed right on time.
WHAT NO TRANSISTION EFFECT!?
Nieta was a Lilty as well,
...i think you see the trend here.
but was only 15 years old. She was the youngest to be in the caravan.
1 more year if you are keeping count.
She belonged to the tailor family, and had elegant clothes to prove it. But just because she looked nice didn't mean she didn't know how to fight.
Cause these boots are made for walking...
Her family generally slept in, so she left a goodbye note on the table. However, she noticed that her older sister was awake. Her sister walked up to her.
They generally did stuff, like, he sister generally was generally awake. Her sister generally walked up to her.
"Come back safely, ya here?" she said, pulling her sister into a warm embrace.
zOMG SPELLING ERROR LOLOLOLOLOLOL
"Don't worry sis, I'll make it back safely," Nieta assured. She opened the door, stepped outside, and made her way to the caravan, not looking back.
The alchemist home stood lonely, isolated from the other family homes. Quietly, a Yuke opened the door.
WHAT NO TRANSISTION EFFECT!?
And what the hell is a Yuke?
He was tall, his helmet tan, with two eyeholes and two horns sticking straight up. He wore a jacket with a star pattern, as well as matching trousers, striped stockings, and black boots. His name was Creston.
Just kidding. His name was Virgina Woolf. You can still call him Creston though.
Creston was 19, the oldest member of the caravan.
Clearly, he was legal.
Another interesting thing was that Creston lived alone.
I’m interested. For some reason. I have no idea what.
He was quiet and smart.
Totally original character, unless he has glasses.
Despite being a prodigy worthy of teaching in Shella,
Shella, wtf?
Creston only wanted to join the caravan. Also, he could be rather cold and sarcastic at times, which was rather unlike a Yuke, but it may have come from living alone.
He closed the door, and looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful day for setting off.
"Well then, here we go," he commented lightly.
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YES A TRANSISTION!
Lianora walked out of her home, the blacksmith's house (an unlikely trade for Yukes). She was 17 years old, and she was a Yuke.
She's legal. Oh, and insert predictable comment here.
She had a helmet on with spiral like design at the top. She also wore a traditional female yukeish coat. She was studious and quiet, but very warmhearted.
Sexy Librarian much?
As she left her home, her father and grandfather met her. Without saying a word, they gave her the supplies she would need. She bowed to them; she didn't have to hear them speak to know that they would miss her. She turned around, waving to them, as she walked toward the exit of the village.
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"RAY!" yelled a female voice. "GET YOUR ASS UP! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE!"
Ah, the usual JRPG opening sequence.
Ray groaned, and got up. He washed his face and got dressed. "Damn sister," he grumbled.
Sister, mother, all the same thing.
Ray Zul, more commonly known as Ray to his friends, was a Selkie.
Oh, he has a Z in his name. Must be the group badass.
He was 18, having turned so about 2 weeks ago. He was a true Selkie; sarcastic, wild, and putting himself before others.
...
As he tied a red bandanna around his blue hair, he walked out of the merchant home, meeting his older sister.
Obviously the author loves him the most.
"Finally!" she shouted. "I know it's just the two of us, but you need to listen to your sister more!"
"Well if Mum and Dad were here, I probably wouldn't listen to them either!" he yelled back.
"Well, you better get your ass moving!" she shouted. "They're gonna leave soon!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxsDYkBROlc&feature=related
2:17 until 2:26
"Alright, alright…," he said, grumbling. Before he left though, his sister ran up and hugged him.
"Don't be too risky…," she warned. "And come back safe…and if you find something about mum or dad…tell me, okay?"
"Don't worry, sis," Ray responded. "I'll be back." He turned and ran down the path towards the caravan. His sister smiled and turned walked into the house.
"DAMNIT RAY! YOU DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BED! YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
Bipolar for the win.
Mika Ria walked outside, her pack over her shoulder, as she blocked her eyes from the sun.
Momma Mia, no transistion!?
Seventeen years old, she was a Selkie. She had long blue hair, and dressed in the "Wolfie" fashion of the Selkies. Her family trade was fish. Although many people didn't like fish, Mika (her nickname) loved it.
...sigh
"Can't believe you're leaving already," came a voice behind her. Mika turned to see her younger brother and mother. It was her mother who had spoken.
Family of ninjas, apparently.
"Wow mom," commented the younger boy. "I didn't expect you to get all sentimental."
She cuffed him on the head. "Hush!"
Mika sighed with a smile. "Am I going to be able to leave you guys alone without you two killing each other?"
Her brother grinned. "You're one to talk, Miss Tomboy. If it weren't for your chest, I would've thought you were a boy."
Oh, I forgot to point out she’s legal.
The comment earned him another whack.
"Return safely, and have fun," said her mother, patting her on the back.
Mika nodded with a big grin. "I will." She ran off.
"Go kick some ass!" yelled her brother.
"That's it!" scolded the mother. "We're washing your mouth out with soap, RIGHT FRIGGIN' NOW!"
...how was that comment worse than any of the previous?
She proceeded to drag the hapless Selkie boy away.
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Thank you, oh amazing transistion.
Soon, the group met by the caravan at the village's entrance and exit. Everyone stared at each other silently.
AWKWARD SILENCE, FUCK YEAH!
"Well…I suppose we should introduce ourselves," said Sam awkwardly. "I'm Sam."
Star smiled. "My name is Star. It's wonderful to meet you all."
Except for that male lility over there. You suck.
Nieta smiled back. "I'm Nieta!"
"Lianora," said Lianora warmly, bowing to them all.
"I'm Garrett!" Garrett half-shouted.
"My name's Mika," said Mika.
"The name's Ray Zul. Call me Ray," said Ray with a wolfish grin.
"I am Creston," said Creston formally, politely waiting after everyone else introduced himself.
The village elder, Roland, walked down the hill towards them.
"Well, you all know each other now," he said with a benevolent smile. He handed Sam, who seemed like the leader, the chalice. "Remember: Return safely to Tipa."
Our sweet rave parties are like no other. Trust me.
Sam nodded. "We won't let you down," he assured.
Everyone packed up their supplies. Creston, Lianora and Nieta all sat inside the caravan. Meanwhile, Sam and Ray walked on the left of the caravan, while Mika walked on the right. Star sat at the back of the caravan, staring at her beloved village for the last time before they left.
"Are we ready?" shouted Garrett at the helm. "Then let's go."
He flicked the reigns and papopotamus set off.
lolwut
They had left their home. Now the journey had begun.
Well, now it's officially started. Woo!
Also, here's a guide for what the characters look like, if you couldn't tell.
Cause you did SUCH a good job explaining what they look like...
Sam-Male-Clavat-Natural
Star-Female-Clavat-Long Hair
Garrett-Male-Lilty-Bare Head
Nieta-Female-Lilty-Elegant (but sometimes bare head)
Lianora-Female-Yuke-Spiral
Creston-Male-Yuke-Black Mage
Ray-Male-Selkie-Bandanna
Mika-Female-Selkie-Wolfie
In case you actually are wondering what they look like:
Clavat
Lilty
Yuke
Selkie
Reviews are loved.~3
Next chapter: The group journeys on, meets a few caravans, and journeys to River Belle Path.
Kudos to you if you actually read all this. I lost momentum at the end.