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    MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

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    Soul
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    MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:43 am

    Source: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4967250/1/Final_Fantasy_Tipas_Crystal_Chronicles

    Its a little ambitious, but I think its time for an MST of an entire fan fiction. The story is probably undeserving of this, but its verging on 87 chapters - it should be a good source of lulz for quite a long while.

    Today's Ordeal
    Part 1: Prolouge
    Part 2: Departure
    Spoiler:

    ------------------

    Right!

    Wrong

    So here is the start of my Crystal Chronicles Adventure! Yay! This will be a long story, just FYI, and don't worry; I'll try to keep it updated.

    Translation: I'm a poor and inexperienced writer. Luv meh!

    This first chapter is pretty short, but they'll get better and longer.

    Most of this is true. I should mention most chapters are on the verge of fifteen pages. Very little happens in most of them.

    NOTE: I did not write this. This is the prologue from the information booklet. Also, I do not own Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles.

    Lazy much?

    Prologue….

    First, take off your pants.

    Seek the water of life.

    ...

    Long ago, miasma swallowed the world. Its very touch was fatal, and it claimed many lives. But we have since discovered a way to hold it at bay.

    The only way to fight it: SWEET RAVE PARTIES!


    Crystals protect us from miasma. Smaller crystals now guard the villages of the world, while greater ones guard the cities. We all live our lives within the embrace of the crystal's blessing.

    By crystals, they mean glowsticks.


    The power of the crystals is not limitless, however; it gradually diminishes over time.

    Truly the worst thing about glowsticks.

    We must rekindle the crystal's radiance each year by purifying them with myrrh.

    Which I saw at Wal-Mart the other day. 26.7889696898 % off even.

    In turn, they protect us from the miasma for another year.

    So Myrrh is some sort of protection money. I understand completely.


    But myrrh cannot be found just anywhere. We must seek it in the dank depths of dungeons, across forbidding mountains, even beyond the sea.

    In other words, in Dungeons. In other words, Wal-Mart


    This task falls to groups of young men and women sent off each year by every town the world over. It is their duty to collect myrrh and bring it home. They are known as the crystal caravans.

    I'd call it carpooling, but to hell with what I say.

    These are the tales of the Tipa caravan's adventures.

    000000000000000000000

    111111111111111111111
    So, I heard you like binary


    Right, it's nothing special, but it's just a start.

    You know its not a good sign when even the author is a downer about its work.

    NEXT TIME: Meet the caravanners!

    -------------------------

    Okay, so this is the REAL first chapter. Now we meet the characters!

    Obviously. You called it a prologue for a reason. But then again, you didn't even write it.

    It was departure day. The day that the caravan of Tipa would leave on its quest to gather myrrh.

    Sam couldn't believe it.



    He never thought he would see the day when HE, of all people, would get to join seven others to travel around the world.

    He, the antisocial who somehow whips a boomerang out of his ass and eventually shows off his pseudo-leadership.



    lol "Hope"


    Sam wiped off his face and let out a sigh.

    Downer

    He had been working at the farm all morning.

    Wuss

    Sixteen years old, and tall with brown hair and eyes, Sam was a Clavat, the most peaceful race known to exist on this world.

    Generic as all hell. Obviously the hero of the story.
    Obvious MST: What the hell is a clavat?


    He wore a white and red jacket, as well as some matching trousers to go with it. He also had on some boots.

    Everything except his pink jacket was translucent, we can probably assume.


    As he walked out of the farmland, picking up his sword and shield on the way, he was met by his family.

    They wore translucent clothes as well. Hippies they were.

    "Good luck out there," said his father. "You return here safe, got it?"

    In other words, you're gonna die, you little punk.


    "Be sure to stay healthy, and we'll send you food from home," said his mother, with a sad smile.

    In other words, we will not send you anything.

    "Goodbye," chorused his little sister and brother.

    "And good riddance." They chorused after he walked away. Then they when back to farming LSD.

    "Don't worry," Sam assured with a grin. "I'll be back. This is gonna be the greatest adventure of my life!"

    OH SHITE HE'S STILL HERE!

    He said that about going to Kroger with his mom one time. He came back with a fishing hook through his nose. That day certainly was an adventure.


    00000000000000000000000

    "Well, I'm all packed," said Star.

    Star was also sixteen

    She's legal in Michigan!

    and also a Clavat.

    Obvious MST: Once more, what the hell is a clavat?

    She had long brown hair and a white and tan coat, and some matching pants to go with it.

    Sadly, no transulcent clothes.

    She was a sweet, kind girl. Her family was the rancher family of the village.

    Rancher families were like highlanders.
    Eh, nevermind.


    She threw her pack over her shoulder, and walked out.

    ...you forgot your pack, dumbass.


    A cow was outside, and it looked sadly at her.

    The other cows were inside having a sweet rave party. Oh, those furries.


    "Don't worry, Bessie," she said, smiling. "I'll be back before you know it." As she walked on, she was met by her mother.

    She too, was a cow, if you know what I mean.

    "Come back soon," she said to her. "Your father didn't want to say goodbye. He's ashamed because he's crying inside the barn. He's really going to miss you. And so am I."

    MANLY TEARS ARE MANLY! WOMAN NO UNDERSTAND


    "I know, mum," said Star. "But don't worry. The caravan will be back soon."

    Only a year from now
    .

    "I know," said her mother, wiping a tear. "You've grown up so fast."

    Star pulled her into a hug, and then ran off, waving goodbye as she did.

    She then tripped and turned into a rabbit. Somehow. It was really awkward.

    000000000000000000000

    "Come on! You stupid thing!" growled the Lilty. "Why won't you zip up?"

    WHAT THE FUCKING HELL MAN!? WHY THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU USING SUCH A FUCKING AWFUL WORD LIKE STUPID IN A FANfuckingFICTION!? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

    lol Golden Sun lol


    The 16 year old Lilty was struggling to fit some bread in his bag.

    I think we all know what he's really doing.
    Oh, and what the hell (sigh) is a Lilty?

    Garrett belonged to the miller family, much to his disdain. He had the heart of a warrior, and was short tempered. His family was not blacksmiths, or alchemists, but MILLERS! Where was the power and strength in THAT family trade?

    THIS IS NOT FORESHADOWING.

    After struggling with the bag for over 10 more minutes, he managed to fit everything in. He put on his armor and gauntlets (making sure not to mess up his hair tuft).

    CAUSE IF ANYTHING TOUCHES MAH DOO: SHIT. BLOWS. UP.

    He walked outside, and was met by his family by the waterwheel.

    "Time for you to go," said his father gruffly. "Don't let the monsters get you."

    (Let them tear you to shreds. Please.)

    "And eat plenty of bread," added his mom, with a warm smile. "We'll send you plenty."

    "Go kick some butt!" said his older brother, pulling the younger Lilty into a headlock and giving him a "goodbye noogie."

    He was used to this. Along with the ‘goodbye noogie’, there was the ‘farewell kick to the crotch’, the ‘friendly impalement’, etc. It was all in good fun.

    "Hey! Cut it out!" shouted Garrett. He squirmed out, and stomped away, throwing a halfhearted wave over his shoulder.

    He’s not even close to water, where’d the wave come from?

    "Don't forget the bread!" called his mother.

    IT ONLY TOOK ME TEN FUCKING HOURS TO GET INTO MAH BAG!

    Garrett let out a groan. "Yeah, mum!"

    I think I make a better Garrett.

    Nieta grinned. This was going to be great! She had everything packed right on time.

    WHAT NO TRANSISTION EFFECT!?

    Nieta was a Lilty as well,

    ...i think you see the trend here.

    but was only 15 years old. She was the youngest to be in the caravan.

    1 more year if you are keeping count.

    She belonged to the tailor family, and had elegant clothes to prove it. But just because she looked nice didn't mean she didn't know how to fight.

    Cause these boots are made for walking...

    Her family generally slept in, so she left a goodbye note on the table. However, she noticed that her older sister was awake. Her sister walked up to her.

    They generally did stuff, like, he sister generally was generally awake. Her sister generally walked up to her.

    "Come back safely, ya here?" she said, pulling her sister into a warm embrace.

    zOMG SPELLING ERROR LOLOLOLOLOLOL

    "Don't worry sis, I'll make it back safely," Nieta assured. She opened the door, stepped outside, and made her way to the caravan, not looking back.

    The alchemist home stood lonely, isolated from the other family homes. Quietly, a Yuke opened the door.

    WHAT NO TRANSISTION EFFECT!?
    And what the hell is a Yuke?


    He was tall, his helmet tan, with two eyeholes and two horns sticking straight up. He wore a jacket with a star pattern, as well as matching trousers, striped stockings, and black boots. His name was Creston.

    Just kidding. His name was Virgina Woolf. You can still call him Creston though.

    Creston was 19, the oldest member of the caravan.

    Clearly, he was legal.

    Another interesting thing was that Creston lived alone.

    I’m interested. For some reason. I have no idea what.

    He was quiet and smart.

    Totally original character, unless he has glasses.

    Despite being a prodigy worthy of teaching in Shella,

    Shella, wtf?

    Creston only wanted to join the caravan. Also, he could be rather cold and sarcastic at times, which was rather unlike a Yuke, but it may have come from living alone.

    He closed the door, and looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful day for setting off.

    "Well then, here we go," he commented lightly.

    00000000000000000000000


    YES A TRANSISTION!

    Lianora walked out of her home, the blacksmith's house (an unlikely trade for Yukes). She was 17 years old, and she was a Yuke.

    She's legal. Oh, and insert predictable comment here.
    She had a helmet on with spiral like design at the top. She also wore a traditional female yukeish coat. She was studious and quiet, but very warmhearted.

    Sexy Librarian much?

    As she left her home, her father and grandfather met her. Without saying a word, they gave her the supplies she would need. She bowed to them; she didn't have to hear them speak to know that they would miss her. She turned around, waving to them, as she walked toward the exit of the village.

    00000000000000000000000000000

    "RAY!" yelled a female voice. "GET YOUR ASS UP! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE!"

    Ah, the usual JRPG opening sequence.

    Ray groaned, and got up. He washed his face and got dressed. "Damn sister," he grumbled.

    Sister, mother, all the same thing.

    Ray Zul, more commonly known as Ray to his friends, was a Selkie.

    Oh, he has a Z in his name. Must be the group badass.

    He was 18, having turned so about 2 weeks ago. He was a true Selkie; sarcastic, wild, and putting himself before others.

    ...

    As he tied a red bandanna around his blue hair, he walked out of the merchant home, meeting his older sister.

    Obviously the author loves him the most.



    "Finally!" she shouted. "I know it's just the two of us, but you need to listen to your sister more!"

    "Well if Mum and Dad were here, I probably wouldn't listen to them either!" he yelled back.

    "Well, you better get your ass moving!" she shouted. "They're gonna leave soon!"


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxsDYkBROlc&feature=related
    2:17 until 2:26


    "Alright, alright…," he said, grumbling. Before he left though, his sister ran up and hugged him.

    "Don't be too risky…," she warned. "And come back safe…and if you find something about mum or dad…tell me, okay?"

    "Don't worry, sis," Ray responded. "I'll be back." He turned and ran down the path towards the caravan. His sister smiled and turned walked into the house.

    "DAMNIT RAY! YOU DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BED! YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

    Bipolar for the win.

    Mika Ria walked outside, her pack over her shoulder, as she blocked her eyes from the sun.

    Momma Mia, no transistion!?

    Seventeen years old, she was a Selkie. She had long blue hair, and dressed in the "Wolfie" fashion of the Selkies. Her family trade was fish. Although many people didn't like fish, Mika (her nickname) loved it.

    ...sigh

    "Can't believe you're leaving already," came a voice behind her. Mika turned to see her younger brother and mother. It was her mother who had spoken.

    Family of ninjas, apparently.

    "Wow mom," commented the younger boy. "I didn't expect you to get all sentimental."

    She cuffed him on the head. "Hush!"

    Mika sighed with a smile. "Am I going to be able to leave you guys alone without you two killing each other?"

    Her brother grinned. "You're one to talk, Miss Tomboy. If it weren't for your chest, I would've thought you were a boy."

    Oh, I forgot to point out she’s legal.

    The comment earned him another whack.

    "Return safely, and have fun," said her mother, patting her on the back.

    Mika nodded with a big grin. "I will." She ran off.

    "Go kick some ass!" yelled her brother.

    "That's it!" scolded the mother. "We're washing your mouth out with soap, RIGHT FRIGGIN' NOW!"

    ...how was that comment worse than any of the previous?

    She proceeded to drag the hapless Selkie boy away.

    00000000000000000000000

    Thank you, oh amazing transistion.

    Soon, the group met by the caravan at the village's entrance and exit. Everyone stared at each other silently.

    AWKWARD SILENCE, FUCK YEAH!

    "Well…I suppose we should introduce ourselves," said Sam awkwardly. "I'm Sam."

    Star smiled. "My name is Star. It's wonderful to meet you all."

    Except for that male lility over there. You suck.

    Nieta smiled back. "I'm Nieta!"

    "Lianora," said Lianora warmly, bowing to them all.

    "I'm Garrett!" Garrett half-shouted.

    "My name's Mika," said Mika.

    "The name's Ray Zul. Call me Ray," said Ray with a wolfish grin.

    "I am Creston," said Creston formally, politely waiting after everyone else introduced himself.

    The village elder, Roland, walked down the hill towards them.

    "Well, you all know each other now," he said with a benevolent smile. He handed Sam, who seemed like the leader, the chalice. "Remember: Return safely to Tipa."

    Our sweet rave parties are like no other. Trust me.

    Sam nodded. "We won't let you down," he assured.

    Everyone packed up their supplies. Creston, Lianora and Nieta all sat inside the caravan. Meanwhile, Sam and Ray walked on the left of the caravan, while Mika walked on the right. Star sat at the back of the caravan, staring at her beloved village for the last time before they left.

    "Are we ready?" shouted Garrett at the helm. "Then let's go."

    He flicked the reigns and papopotamus set off.

    lolwut

    They had left their home. Now the journey had begun.

    Well, now it's officially started. Woo!

    Also, here's a guide for what the characters look like, if you couldn't tell.

    Cause you did SUCH a good job explaining what they look like...

    Sam-Male-Clavat-Natural

    Star-Female-Clavat-Long Hair

    Garrett-Male-Lilty-Bare Head

    Nieta-Female-Lilty-Elegant (but sometimes bare head)

    Lianora-Female-Yuke-Spiral

    Creston-Male-Yuke-Black Mage

    Ray-Male-Selkie-Bandanna

    Mika-Female-Selkie-Wolfie

    In case you actually are wondering what they look like:
    Clavat
    Lilty
    Yuke
    Selkie


    Reviews are loved.~3

    Next chapter: The group journeys on, meets a few caravans, and journeys to River Belle Path.

    Kudos to you if you actually read all this. I lost momentum at the end.
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:45 am

    Part 3: On the Road, Caravans, River Belle Path

    Spoiler:
    Next chapter! This is going to primarily be the characters getting to know each other, meeting another caravan, and going to River Belle Path. Very Happy Enjoy.

    HOLY SHIT
    THIS IS BOUND TO BE AWESOME


    0000000000000000000000

    The group had started their adventure.

    Really?

    Their first destination was River Belle Path.

    Land of succubi and Tom Hanks

    As the caravan rolled along, the group began to learn more about each other.

    Except for Garrett. He was too busy waxing his hair.

    Sam turned to Ray, the Selkie next to him.

    "So…what's up?" he asked, trying to make conversation.

    Awkward teens in an awkward place during an awkward time. I wonder what kind of conversation we’ll get?

    Ray gave him a skeptical look, but knew Sam just wanted to get to know him.

    "Eh…not much," Ray responded. "So, why'd you join the caravan?"

    We’re going to River Belle Path, the land of succubi and Tom Hanks. That’s reason enough.

    "Oh…well…it's been my dream. Ever since I was a kid," Sam said after thinking for a moment.

    Oh you creeper child. Go blow up somewhere.

    Ray nodded, and smiled slightly.

    Another creeper child?

    This guy was a dreamer, but Ray thought he could learn to like him.

    "What about you?" asked Sam. "Why are you here?"

    Well, I heard this one place had succubi, and Tom Hanks, so...
    "Oh…well…I have my own dreams and goals," responded Ray, slightly dodging the question. Sam looked at him questioningly, but he could tell by Ray's tone of voice that Ray wanted to change the subject. Sam smiled in understanding.

    He then smiled in misunderstanding, because he thought Ray was Gay.
    lololololololololololololololololololololololNO


    "Yeah…I think this is gonna be a great adventure, don't you?"

    Just like that time he got a fish hook stuck in his nose, I bet. It’ll be a great adventure, definitely.

    "Mmhmm."

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmudkips.

    Wait, what was the question?


    00000000000000000000000

    At the back of the caravan, Star and Nieta were engaged in conversation.

    Oh, the things that go on in the back in the caravan.

    "So yeah…my parents are tailors…," Nieta said shyly. Star smiled.

    That store was awful, really.

    "That's nice. I've seen the clothes there. They're really neat!"

    THEY LOOK LIKE SHIT

    "You think so?" asked Nieta. Star nodded.

    Obviously not. Are you not reading in between the lines.

    "Yeah…all this talk is reminding me of home…," said Star wistfully.

    Props to the author for using the word wistfully. But then again, the conversation is as boring as hell, so anti-props to her.

    "Me too," agreed Nieta. "Think it'll be long before we get home?"

    "Nah," said Star. "We're so good, we'll get the myrrh in no time!"

    If this were modern: We’re like, so good, so we’ll like get the, like, myrrh stuff, in like, no time. So yeah.

    "Yeah!" agreed Nieta, flashing a big grin on her face.

    0000000000000000

    Mika was walking toward the front of the caravan. She saw Garrett up there, so she thought she'd make some conversation.

    "So…what's your family trade?" she asked, curiously.

    Yay, more awkwardness.

    Apparently that had been the wrong thing to ask. Garrett's eyes darkened.

    I’m the juggernaut, bitch.

    "Miller," he said, without much enthusiasm.

    I would definitely make a more interesting Garrett.

    "Oh…my family is in the fisherman trade," Mika said lightly. Garrett just nodded.

    So, your parents are fishmongers.
    (Fishmonger: Slang for pimp. lolHamlet)


    "Do you not like the Miller trade?" Mika asked.

    NO I FUCKING LOVE IT. SEE THIS FACE? THIS IS MY ENTHUSIASTIC FACE

    "I just don't think it's all that great. I mean, we're warriors! Why should we be making bread? We should be making weapons and stuff! I just hate it!" he said venomously.

    ...NOT FORESHADOWING

    "Wow…you have quite the temper," commented Mika, raising an eyebrow.

    No, really.

    Then, she caught Ray over at the other side staring at her.

    Pointless comma is pointless.

    "What do you want?" she asked, annoyed. Ray smirked.

    Obvious couple is obvious.

    "Hey, who said I was looking at you?" asked Ray innocently, but the devious grin gave it away. "Unless of course you WANT me to…cause I gotta say, it would be my pleasure."

    Please, kill him off.

    Mika rolled her eyes. "Idiot."

    I would’ve said a disgrace to the time/space continuum, but I guess idiot works too.

    Garrett smirked silently. "Yeah, I'M the one with the temper?" he muttered.

    He really has no right to say that.

    He smirks to himself a lot, if you know what I mean.


    "So…here we are," said Lianora, trying to get to know Creston better.

    NO TRANSISTION EFFECT!?

    Creston nodded. "Indeed."

    That was an awesome conversation.

    "So…what's it like being an alchemist?" Lianora asked curiously.

    It surely beats talking with other awkward teens.

    "Oh…it's nothing much, really," Creston responded. "I just do experiments and record the results.”

    And in his spare time, he searches for the philosophers stone. He wants his real body back.

    “...What's it like being a Blacksmith? Most Yukes aren't in that line of business."

    "Well, it IS unusual…but it's a useful skill, and my grandfather says I'm learning the ropes really well," commented Lianora thoughtfully.

    Creston seemed to smile behind his helmet. He was growing to like this companion. He looked up as the caravan started to slow down.

    "Why are we stopping?" he asked aloud.

    Garrett fell off again. I hope he died this time.

    "Must be something going on outside…," murmured Lianora. "Let's go check."

    Cross your fingers everybody.

    The Tipa caravan had run into the caravan from Alfitaria. There were also two moogles along with the five lilties that made up the caravan.

    Oh shit, more Garretts.

    "Greetings, caravanners," said the leader. "I am Sol Racht, head of the caravan from Alfitaria. It is good to meet you. Who are you?"

    Taken straight from the game. Again.

    The group introduced itself. Sol Racht nodded.

    "Ah, new caravanners. I'd like you to meet someone. Stiltzkin. A moment if you please?"

    A moogle with a pack on his back walked over. He looked wise. The group took it for granted that this moogle was Stiltzkin.

    ...well, the third sentence was pointless.

    "Ah new caravanners!" greeted Stiltzkin, his eyes shining.

    Don't look into his eyes, they'll turn you into stone!

    "You have a long journey ahead of you. I know a couple of things that might help you. Do you want to learn some moves and such?"

    OH GOD A TUTORIAL.

    "No," said Ray, bluntly. Stiltzkin stared at him.

    Thank you, Ray. Now go kill yourself and I might bring myself to like you.

    "Magic? Advice? Knowledge about myrrh?" he asked.

    "No," said Ray firmly. This time, Mika yanked his hair. "OW!"

    Thank you Mika.

    "Don't be so rude," she said, glaring at him.

    Oh come on, at least break his neck.

    "Er…what he means is…," Star explained. "Is that…we are grateful for the offer but…we want to learn from experience, on our own."

    Phew, tutorial averted.

    "Nice save," muttered Garrett."They won't suspect a thing."

    ...what would they suspect?

    Mika glared at him, making hair pulling motions. Garrett shut up immediately.

    THAT BITCH WANTED TO MESS UP MY DOO. I CANNOT STAND FOR THIS.

    "Ah…I see…well, that's good, I suppose. Independence," mused Stiltzkin properly. Suddenly, the other moogle perked up.

    "Hey, kupo!" the moogle said.

    Kupo?

    "I'll carry the chalice for you!"

    Something that doesn’t happen in multiplayer...

    "Yes-let Mog help you," agreed Sol Racht.

    "No-" began Ray, but a yank to his hair shut him up.

    FFS, Just break his neck already.

    "That's a great idea, thanks!" said Sam, taking control. Mog flew over and picked up there chalice.

    I tea-raged when I saw there.

    "Well…we gotta go now," said Garrett, coughing. "Myrrh tree's are waitin'.

    Not really. They’re at a sweet rave party. Giant glowsticks are the shit, y’know?

    "Yes; of course," said Sol. "Good luck to you all. Have a safe journey."

    GO DIE, PUNKS!

    "Goodbye," said Sam as both caravans departed.

    "There it is," murmured Star. "River Belle Path."

    YES! THE :LAND OF STRIPPERS, SUCCUBI, AND TOM HANKS! NO MORE POINTLESS AWKWARD CONVERSTAIONS! FUCK YEAH!

    "Our first dungeon," commented Lianora softly.

    ...

    They looked up at the spooky old road. They could see reddish outlines of goblins and hedge pies, and the occasional Mu.

    ...no succubi!? This is bullshit!

    "Well, let's go!" yelled Garrett, dashing forward.

    Lets not and say we did.

    "Yes Garrett- let's charge blindly in without making a plan, and completely ignore the monsters out for our blood," said Creston, sarcasm dripping from every word.

    Bullshit. I detect no sarcasm.

    "They're not going to let us walk past them, unless you're too hardheaded to realize that."

    Yeah, especially when you barge in on their sweet rave party. The nerve!

    "HEY!" growled Garrett.

    "Well Lilty's DO bounce the chalice on their heads," murmured Mika thoughtfully. "So you must have hard heads."

    ...a joke that only makes sense to the 2 or 3 people that remember playing this game. Very nice.

    "Guys, let's stop arguing and just go," pleaded Star.

    Ray rolled his eyes. "Best idea I've heard all day. Now let's go."

    The group made its way forward. Soon they were met by 3 goblins.

    They wanted to discuss the finer points of literature.

    "Grah! Get them!" ordered the lead goblin, throwing a rock there way.

    Tea-Rage at there. Again.
    Wait, wait wait, back up.Holy shit, goblins as the first enemy!? THIS IS REVOLUTIONARY!

    One hit Garrett's skull.

    "Eh?" Garrett looked around, bewildered. "Did something hit me?"

    ...please don’t tell me this is going to be a running gag...

    "Told you that you were hardheaded," muttered Creston under his breath.

    Fuck you, Creston.

    He wielded his hammer and cast a fire spell on one of the goblins. It cried out in pain. Star dashed forward and swung her sword at it. It let out a wail and fell to the ground, dead.

    Oh, it wasn’t knocked out? Jeez, this is rough for a final fantasy game.

    "No! Comrade!" shouted the lead goblin. "Grrrr. We get revenge. Go get guys!"

    I’ll just stay back here and eat a stuck of butter! Om nom nom nom nom

    The other goblin ran forward. Nieta rushed forward, swinging her spear at him. Her spear and his blade clashed together. Mika ran behind him, shooting a projectile at the goblin's head, dazing him. Ray ran up and struck the goblin over the head with his racket, causing the creature to crumple to the ground like its friend.

    TEAMWORK~~ FUCK YEAH.

    Meanwhile, the lead goblin fought 1 on 1 with Sam. With a cry, Sam lunged forward and stabbed the goblin in the throat. With a gurgling cry, it fell over dead, joining it's comrades.

    ...Tea-Rage at it’s.

    "We did it," said Sam, grinning.

    "SAM! LOOK OUT! HEDGE PIE!" shouted Star.

    ...this is intense. One second they’re fighting goblins, the next they're fighting pastries.

    Sam turned to find a Hedge Pie lunging for him. As it was about to bear down on him, it stopped. Sam looked up to see it was frozen.

    ...I gotta start laying off on the shrooms, man...

    Lianora stared at it, her staff extended. "Now THAT was a spell," she said, seeming to smile deviously behind her helmet.

    No, that was just a freak blizzard that just happened to happen behind him in the same time interval that you cast your spell. How dare you take credit for it.

    Sam looked down where the goblin body once lay. Now there was a key in its place.

    ...Well, that’s a strange skeletal structure.

    Creston appeared beside him, examining the peculiar object.

    ...its a key, Dumbass.

    "I think this key opens the door over there," he said thoughtfully, pointing ahead.

    ...it took a genius took figure this out. Hell, I think even Garrett could figure it out, just barely.

    Sam looked over, and sure enough, there was a door with a key hole that match the key in front of Sam.

    You know. Square key fits in square hole. Round key fits in round hole. Its rocket science for these people. And for this author, apparently.

    Sam walked up and inserted the key. The door opened and the group moved onwards.

    THIS JUST IN.
    KEYS. OPEN. DOORS.


    000000000000000000

    After a few more battles and unlocking doors, the group made it to a clearing. They looked up ahead and saw a bridge over a river.

    They were looking at the ground the entire time. No wonder that pie surprised them so easily. Still, I too would be surprised if a pie tried to kill me.

    "Guys, when we get there, let's stop for lunch," said Sam. Everyone else nodded, although Garrett's was strained.

    Uh-huh.

    As they walked along, Nieta perked up.

    "Uh guys…do you hear something?" she asked uneasily.

    Oh, that’s just a killer squirrel coming to eat us all.

    "What do you me-AHHHHH!" screamed Star. A creature burst out of the ground and leaped at her. Lianora appeared at her side, and swiftly bonked the creature on the head. And fell to the ground in a heap.

    Lianora is Scout

    "W-what was that thing?" asked Star.

    "A Mu," answered Creston.

    "W-what are they, though?" asked Star, thoroughly spooked.

    Are you blind? It was the creature that just burst out of the ground and leapt at you. Hell, its lying at your feet right now, dumbass.

    "You'll find out in a minute," growled Ray, making a gesture.

    ...a gesture?

    About 5 more Mus appeared from the ground.

    Eh, about five, y’know. Like sometimes, 1 Mu can actually be like 10 Mus combined. They’re tricky little buggers like that.p

    Their tails swished back and forth and they growled, their eyes shining with hunger and malice.

    These things are squirrels, if you really want to know. Scary indeed.

    "EEEK!" screamed Star. She had a fear of rodents ever since she woke up one day to find a rat on her pillow when she was six. She hid behind everyone. "K-keep them away…"

    What, no references to elephants?

    Ray and Garrett began to rush forward when a huge blue flash lit up the path. The caravanners shielded their eyes. When they looked again, all the Mus were either frozen or dead. The group looked at the Yukes questioningly, looking for an answer.

    They saw Creston with his hand outstretched. "Blizzaga," he commented. "Gotta love it."

    Overpowered, ‘badass’, arrogant. If this were an RPG, he’ll be dead by the next boss fight.

    The group then settled on the bridge, eating the food they packed. Sam kindly shared his family's crops with everyone. Star shared some meat and Garrett was more than happy to give his bread away. Mika meanwhile shared her fish with everyone, except Ray, as he had stolen some fish from her pack. This act earned him a powerful kick to the groin.

    Once again, obvious couple is obvious.

    As everyone ate, Ray went into his bag to find a striped apple. He felt around but found nothing. Then he heard a giggle from Nieta. He glared at her, and she pointed to Mika. Mika had a striped apple in her hand. She caught Ray staring and smirked at him, taking a bite. Ray's jaw dropped.

    That thief is after his apples.

    "She beat me at my own game…," he muttered crossly. "I can't believe it…I would take my apples back, but I don't want to get kicked again…damn."

    Dur, me no like getting kick in groin, dur.

    Creston ate with Sam and Star. Sam looked up at him curiously.

    "Hey Creston? What's under your helm?" he asked. Creston glanced at him.

    My face.

    "Oh well…some people say we look like rats…," Creston said calmly. Star flinched and moved about 5 feet away from him.

    ...another running gag?

    "Creston, that wasn't funny," Sam said sternly, going off to comfort Star.

    "I thought it was," he said, shrugging.

    He’s a dick too. I guess he’s more interesting and realistic than any other character.

    The group moved onward after their lunch. Soon, they came face to face with a group of goblins. Three chieftains and 5 little ones.

    "ATTACK!" roared a chieftain. The caravanners and the goblins both charged forward.

    To be a smartass, Ray charged backward. He just had to be a rebel.

    Nieta struck a goblin across the face with her spear. She sent it flying towards another goblin. As the other goblin tried to move, Lianora froze it with Stop, causing both goblins to fly into each other. They both fell over, groaning. Garrett ran by and finished them both off, then confronted one of the chieftains. The chieftain swung his blade down at him, and Garrett barely managed to block it. Garrett threw the goblin off of him, then impaled the creature's stomach. It let out a high pitched squeal, and tried to stab the Lilty, but missed. It then fell over, stone dead.

    Meanwhile, Mika and Sam were fighting two goblins, side by side. As one goblin got around Sam, they both went for Mika. Mika leaped into the air, aiming shots at both of them. The goblins became dazed and disorientated long enough for Sam to run them through with his sword. They both cried out. One of them died immediately. The other struggled to remove the blade, but to no avail. He too fell down in a matter of seconds.

    Ray was fighting a chieftain alongside the river. Ray kept dodging the swings the chieftain made, but it was difficult because he seemed to be distracted by something. The chieftain swung with all his might.

    "Me got you now!" he taunted. Ray ducked. The chieftain lost his balance and fell into the river. He hit his head on a rock and promptly drowned.

    Classy

    "Yeah…you got me all right," muttered Ray, running to help the others.

    OHOHOHOH ME SO FUNNEH

    Creston moved away from the goblin trying to strike him. "Look, just run and I won't kill you."

    "Ha! You afraid! You no able to beat me!" said the goblin with a nasty grin. Creston sighed.

    Clearly, this goblin did not see pretty much everyone he knows get slaughtered by these teens.

    "FIRA!" he shouted. The goblin never knew what hit him. He went flying.

    He’s going where no goblin has ever gone before.

    Star was fighting the last chieftain. Their blades clashed, creating sparks like mini fireworks. The goblin chief grinned hideously. Star saw her chance and stabbed him in the chest. The goblin groaned but remained standing. That is, until the goblin Creston sent flying hit him in the head. Both goblins fell in a heap and vanished.

    Well that’s mighty convenient. No gore to describe, very nice.

    "Sheesh…that was tough…," said Sam. Lianora nodded in agreement.

    Sam barely did anything. He should grind more.

    The group walked onwards. Mika noticed Ray stayed as far away as possible. She sighed. Probably because of the kick.

    The wuss.

    She went over to apologize.

    HOLY SHIT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!?

    "Eh?" he asked. "What's up?"

    "Look…I'm sorry I kicked you, alright? And that I stole your apples," she said.

    "Eh, don't worry about it," Ray said, shrugging. "I should be the one apologizing."

    "What, for stealing the fish?" said Mika.

    "Nah. When you did that move when you jumped in the air, I got quite a view under your skirt."

    Mika blushed deep red, in anger and embarrassment. "YOU LITTLE-!" She pulled out her racket.

    The author obviously loves these anime scenes.

    "Hey, I'm not the only one who saw!" Ray protested, putting up his hands. Mika then caught the Lilties moving away from her. Nieta looked like she was holding her tongue.

    "YOU BOTH SAW TOO!" she yelled.

    ...

    "We can't help it if we're short, okay?" yelled Garrett. "Nor can we help it if you flash the enemy while performing a move!"

    That’s actually a smart idea. Female video game characters do it often.

    SMACK! Garrett stumbled backwards with a handprint on his cheek. Ray looked shocked.

    "Hey! I didn't get hi- GAAAAAH!" he yelped. His joy turned to pain as Mika aimed a kick in between his legs AGAIN.

    Great, a running gag. OH WAIT.

    "God…damn…it," mumbled Ray.

    The group arrived in a clearing with a waterfall.

    "It's so beautiful," whispered Star.

    "Hey! I see the tree!" yelled Ray, recovered from the previous crotch shot.

    I see a tree, do you see a tree? Yes, we see a tree, what do you see? Doralingus!What do you see?

    Suddenly a rumbling noise was heard. An enormous crab...

    Whose name was Tom Hanks

    ...leaped out from behind the waterfall.

    Star: Oh, just a crab.

    A Mu crawled out of the ground and appeared at the monster's side.

    Star: SHIT JUST GOT REAL

    "Looks like we're gonna have to fight," muttered Creston.

    No, like the goblins at the beginning, they just want to discuss literature. Jeez, you dumbasses don’t ever bother to listen.

    "LET'S DO THIS!" roared Garrett.

    Everyone ignored him, obviously.

    The crab rushed forward swinging its claw furiously. He managed to knock the group backwards. Only Lianora, Garrett, and Star were able to hold their ground.

    "C'mon, weakling!" yelled Garrett, rushing at the crab. He managed to strike the creature with his spear.

    His spear: obviously compensating for something.

    No, not that.


    However, the monstrous crab shot a slow energy ball at the Lilty.

    HADOKEN

    Garrett suddenly became sluggish and could barely move.

    The crab charged an electrical blast, ready to make a finishing blow, when Nieta leaped in. She pulled Garrett out of the way, and managed to slice off the monster's claw.

    The crab let out a roaring screech. It rushed forward after the Lilties, swinging it's horn at them. However, a ball of fire stopped it. More fireballs bombarded the creature, pummeling it into submission. The Yukes grinned behind their masks victoriously as the crabs horn fell off due to the magic. Now the monster was powerless.

    Why?

    But then, before they knew it, the creature charged up an electrical blast and struck them both.

    ...well, that was retarded.

    Both Yukes were paralyzed.

    "Darn! We can't move!" shouted Lianora in frustration. Garrett was not much better, his movements still slow.

    Then how can she talk?

    Ray ran forward, swinging his racket and launching two shots at the creature. He aimed for the monster's eyes.

    Shots from a racket? I understand completely.

    Both shots hit their mark.

    HIT ITS WEAK POINT FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE!

    The creature roared in agony. Mika, meanwhile, fired a shot at the creature. It went straight into the creature's mouth and throat. The creature began to choke.

    Alcohol is the Tom Hanks’s weakness, apparently.

    Sam and Star both rushed at the monster, with their swords in hand. The both plunged their blades into the monster's sides. The crab never knew what hit it. It let out a choking roar, before dissolving into a gurgling puddle.

    A puddle? OH SHIT, RUN

    "WE WON!" shouted Nieta. All of the group cheered. It didn't matter that the crab was a weak monster. They had reached their first myrrh tree!

    Yay for renewable energy! It only takes two years to regenerate and you only get a single drop every time you visit it. ITS BRILLIANT

    Sam took the chalice from Mog (who was still sane after all of this), and held it out under the tree.

    ...I’m probably won’t be sane after finishing this MST collection.

    The tree released a drop and it landed in the chalice, filling up a third of it.

    "One down, two to go," said Mika.

    The group opened and responded to their letters (although Garrett was annoyed by his mom sending him bread, Mika's brother complaining about having his mouth washed with soap, and Ray's sister said his ass was getting kicked when he got home for leaving his room dirty). Creston did not receive a letter, so he planned out the groups next movements.

    "Alright, guys," said Nieta after the group had rested. "Let's get out of here."

    Everyone nodded. They packed up, and headed back to their caravan. They had collected their first drop of myrrh but the journey had only just begun.

    YES, ITS FINALLY OVER

    Whaddya think? Good? Bad? Hope it was good. It took forever to type.

    Took me forever to make sense of this.

    I know some things aren't really true in this. Like Mog appearing in multiplayer mode. But I don't want one character to get stuck with the chalice and have less screentime. So that's why Mog is there.

    About that, that would make the “fighting” a lot more interesting is someone had to be escorted the entire time.

    Reviews are loved. Suggestions are loved.

    Next Chapter: The Miasma Stream, Arguments, and Mushroom Forest: Part One

    ...oh snap, 16 pages!?

    Tea Rage: http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&global=1&q=Tea+Rage#/d2w3v1z
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:45 am

    Part 4: Miasma Streams and Campfires

    Spoiler:
    Time for another chapter.

    GOOD GOD, WHY!?

    *applause*

    Whoever is being payed to clap really ought to reconsider employers. What dignity do these people have?

    The caravan group had just left River Belle Path when they were approached by another caravan.

    Hopefully they’re more interesting than this ‘caravan group’ of dumbasses.

    Two Selkies ran up to the caravan.

    ...run away from these dumbasses. Trust me.

    The caravan from Leuda.

    ...they're from Leuda, Texas, apparently.

    Nieta was the first to spot them.

    "Hey, someone's coming," she warned the others. Ray looked onwards curiously.

    "Oh boy…," Ray muttered under his breath.

    Faux-Badass senses tingling!.

    "OY! Mika! Get out here."

    Oh god damn, not her.

    Mika hopped out of the caravan, her eyes narrowed. She wasn't on good terms with this Selkie, or Garrett for that matter.

    Bitch senses are tingling!

    "What is it?" she asked, then noticed the Leuda caravanners running up to them. "Guys. Let us handle this."

    Bitch senses are never wrong!

    Sam gave her a questioning look. "Handle what?"

    Are you fucking blind?

    "Selkies never really go out of there way for something unless it's important to them," explained Ray.

    Tea-Rage at there.

    He urged them to shut up as soon as the other caravan got close.

    ...even though at the beginning of the chapter, you implied the Selkies already were there. What gives?

    "Oh hey there Selkies," said one of them, a boy with blonde hair. "What's up?"

    He only just noticed them, I guess. Everyone must have been nearsighted during that time period


    For some reason, I instantly hate him.
    OH HELL NO


    "Oh y'know…," said Ray. "Getting' myrrh, gold…all that stuff."

    Unlike you lazy assholes.

    "Ah…," said the other member, a girl. "Hey listen, seeing that your on the road and stuff, you must need some items. How would ya like to buy this silver for 800 gil?"

    Tea-Rage at your.

    Mika and Ray gave everyone a "WE TOLD YOU SO" look.

    The other Selkies didn’t suspect a thing.

    Ray walked up to the female member from the Leuda caravan. "And how much do YOU cost, beautiful?"

    Blonde: I’ll pay you to take her off my hands. Seriously. I’ve got 99 problems, and-

    This act caused Mika to take control.

    VIOLENCE IS THE ANSWER!


    She seized Ray by his hair and dragged him to the caravan.

    Then unspeakable acts were performed.

    She then returned to the boy and the now-blushing girl.

    Well she’s quite thick if she just realized what Ray implied. Never mind making these two the main characters of the story, these two are probably even worse than this group of bumbling dumbasses.

    "Well…the funny thing is…," said Mika.

    This better be hilarious.

    "We actually just BOUGHT some silver from Marr's Pass. And it only cost about 250 gil. Funny, hunh?"

    Those underselling bastards!

    Both Selkies gaped at her.

    I know, how dare she see through your obvious con?

    "Shoot," whispered the boy.

    Would've gotten away with it if it weren't for the bitch senses!

    "Speaking of buying things, we need to run and get supplies! Bye!" yelled the female Selkie.

    Smooth.

    The two then left the Tipa caravan, with 6 members watching them run. Ray was busy stroking his sore hair, and Mika just sighed.

    Ray is a lot like Garret. He fondles his hair quite often.

    "What did you do?" asked Star, bewildered.

    Where the fuck where you? Are you deaf?

    "I think they realized that they were overpriced and looked like fools," said Mika.

    No. Those bastards at Marr’s Pass, wherever the hell that place is, are totally underselling.

    "I think they didn't want us to beat them up for scamming us...

    Really?

    They were so worried they didn't even realize that we haven't even BEEN to Marr's Pass yet."

    Because they definitely knew this was your first year out.

    "Well speaking of being places, we should probably get going," said Creston, reminding them all of their duties. Everyone nodded. "However, let's make camp somewhere near. It's getting dark."

    We need to be places, but screw that, let’s set up camp! Can’t argue with that logic.

    As the group searched for a camping spot, Ray scooted up next to Mika.

    ...awkward conversation, yay...

    "What do you want, bandanna boy?" she asked, eyeing him coolly.

    Learn me your bitch senses, oh great bitchy one.

    "Why'd you yank my hair back there?" he asked, wincing at the memory. "I probably could of got us the silver AND a discount."

    And a stripper, if you know what I mean.

    "It was instinct," said Mika.

    I felt like it. Besides, bitch senses told me to.

    "I can't stand to let someone get embarrassed by a moron like you, not to mention it was totally obnoxious."

    [url=http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SlapSlapKiss]I’m like, totally turned on.[/color]

    "Or maybe you were JEALOUS," taunted Ray, smirking. YANK! "OW!"

    She was jealous.

    "Say that again and I'll yank your hair so hard, you'll be bald," growled Mika.

    Its times like I actually wish this prick would stick to his pricky ways.

    Ray took the hint and headed up to talk to Garrett.

    They wanted to talk about their fabulous hair. And fondle each others hair.

    "Man…girls are brutal," muttered Ray.

    "You've got a lot to learn, kid," said Garrett wisely.

    WISELY MY ASS

    "Kid? Dude, I'm older than you," corrected Ray.

    "Shut up, bandanna boy," said Garrett.

    "Point taken, hardhead," grumbled Ray.

    ...what is this I don't even

    "Look over there," said Creston, pointing. Everyone looked over. They all saw it. A Miasma Stream.

    Then Creston slapped everyone and pointed at his crotch. Everyone looked. They all saw it. Creston's crotch.

    "Let's go through it, then we'll set up camp," said Sam.

    Everyone nodded, although Nieta and Mika both looked nervous.

    Bitch senses sense a disturbance in the-...nevermind.

    "Come on, then," said Garrett, walking forward as Creston took control of the caravan. "We can all walk a little further, right?"

    Soon they arrived at the Miasma stream.

    "Hey, all of the smoke around here is blue. I suppose that means our chalice needs to be Water," reasoned Ray.

    No, Ray, you’re just hallucinating.

    "Shoot!" said Nieta, stamping her foot.

    She said shoot, I guess that means this fanfiction has to be rated adult only now.

    "We started with fire! And none of us changed it. That means we have to go all the way back to River Belle Path!"

    Great, time for more awkward conversations on the road

    "Actually," said Mog, "I was the one carrying the chalice the whole time. And I changed it to water as soon as we got there, kupo."

    ...in other words, the author forgot about it.

    "Oh…," said Nieta. "Well, uh…thanks Mog."

    How very [s]kind[/s]dues ex machina of you.

    "What're we waiting for?" asked Star. "Let's go.

    We’re waiting for Godot, right?

    With that, the caravan entered the stream."

    Proofreading? What is this bullshit?

    00000000000000000000

    "Okay, this place is WAY creepier inside then outside," said Mika.

    I agree. I mean, really. The way the author described this - holy shit, this place is scary.

    Lianora nodded. "They are known to be spooky. Their appearance even wards away monsters. That's why you never find monster's in a miasma stream."

    Butcher the apostrophe use much?

    "They give us the creeps, kupo," said Mog.

    As the caravan walked toward the center of the stream, they felt strong, violent winds attempting to push them back. Ray took the chalice from Mog, who was too light and was being buffeted by the winds. The group moved continuously forward, until finally, the winds let them through. They soon made it out of the Miasma Stream, and it was bright again.

    Props to the author for using the word buffeted. Anti-props for being lazy.

    "Phew…that was scary, but it's all over now," said Star to Nieta.

    Totally.

    They then heard a voice behind them.

    "Yes…," said a rasping, whispering voice. "It is all over…FOR YOU!"

    Oh those damn creepers.

    Two hands grabbed both girls by the legs.

    Creepers just want hugs!

    Nieta and Star both screamed loudly.

    SSSSSSSSS

    The others turned around to find…

    BOOM

    Garrett clutching both of their legs, laughing hysterically. Ray was also laughing, leaning against a tree so he wouldn't fall over.

    I am disappoint. Make them explode, now.

    Creston took the chalice from the Selkie, regarding him with disdain.

    He was jealous of Ray’s frequently fondled hair.

    "Oh GOD!" choked out Garrett. "The look on your faces!"

    "Dude…that was…great," gasped Ray, tears coming out of his eyes.

    Sam was angry.

    SHIT JUST GOT REAL

    He went over to comfort Star and Nieta. Lianora, meanwhile, bonked Garrett on the head with her hammer.

    Lianora is Scout

    "OW!" he yelped. "C'mon! It was just a joke." Ray, meanwhile, was now laughing at Garrett. Mika walked over and stomped on his foot.

    What, you didn’t yank his hair? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

    "HEY! WHAT THE HECK!" yelled Ray, clutching his throbbing foot. "What did I do? Garrett was the one who grabbed them!"

    I was about to grope them but then...nevermind

    "Insensitive assholes," Mika muttered.

    "Agreed," said Lianora.

    They just trolling.

    Sam sighed. "Let's just set up camp here, guys."

    "No…let's get a little bit further away from this thing," said Nieta, still trembling slightl

    The eight travelers moved on to find a camping spot.

    "Girls are brutal," grumbled Garrett.

    "Told ya so, kid," said Ray.

    Soon, after they were far enough away from the sinister stream, the group made camp just as the sun went down. Lianora lit the wood that Ray and Garrett gathered (as punishment) to create a campfire.

    ...holy shit, that is the best punishment EVER.

    As the members of the caravan got out there sleeping bags, they huddled around the warmth of the campfire.

    Tea-Rage at there

    Creston stood up. "I'm not tired, so I guess I'll take the first watch."

    "Watch?" asked Sam.

    "You think the monsters are going to leave us alone just because we're asleep?" asked Creston.

    Yes. That usually does not happen in RPGs.

    "No. So I'll stay up and keep an eye out for any trouble.

    And by keep an eye out for any trouble, I mean I'll be watching you all sleep.

    "Alright…," said Sam. "Wake me up in two hours. Then I'll take over."

    "I'll take over next," muttered Ray, before anyone told him he had to. Everyone looked shocked.

    HOLY FUCKING BALLS THIS IS...

    "What? Ray actually doing something for others?" asked Mika, shocked.

    "No, I'm going to watch you sleep," said Ray, giving her an unsettling grin. Mika tensed.

    I’m pretty sure that’s what Sam and Creston will be doing...

    "I'LL take the third watch," said Nieta.

    "Ray, that was uncalled for," scolded Lianora. Ray's smirk stayed on his face.

    "You really shouldn't aggravate others for your own enjoyment," said Star. "You really are a selfish person, you know?"

    Obvious troll is obvious.

    Ray's smile slid off his face. Selfish? That's what they thought? That comment actually made him feel bad a bit.

    ...

    "Who says I do that?" he said, determined not to let it show that comment had hurt him.

    I am so not butt hurt.

    "You really are a selfish bastard," said Garrett, gnawing on some meat.

    Stfu Garret.

    "You're just as bad," said Lianora. "Scaring others, than laughing at them."

    I mean really, you’re doing it wrong. This is serious buisness.

    "Pssssh," said Garrett, rolling his eyes. "I suppose you think we ought to be like Sam, the perfect leader who gets annoyed if someone has fun."

    OH NO HE DIDN’T

    "At least Sam has consideration for others," said Nieta, giving Garrett a hot glare. Garrett's eyes widened at that.

    Fuck actual plot, sexual tension makes any story interesting! High fives, Virginia Woolf!

    "I'm going to bed," growled Garrett.

    "For once, Garrett, you've made a wise decision," said Nieta, yawning.

    Bitch senses demand a daily rigorous bitchy attitude. Not all would-be bitches can aquire this amazing ability! Avoid this training by calling 1-800-CALL[s]SAM[/s]MIKA

    Soon everyone was asleep, except for Creston. It was dark and gloomy around them, but the warmth of the fire and the light of the crystal helped them feel safe, driving away the nightmares as they slept soundly.

    End of the chapter. Sorry! I know I was supposed to start Mushroom Forest in this Chapter, but I didn't have the time.

    Lazy author is lazy.
    /hypocrisy.


    It will be in next chapter, though.

    Along with more bitch sense advertisements!

    Well, now we know more about the characters. Ray and Garrett are quite the troublemakers, eh?

    Nah

    But we have Lianora and Mika to kick their butts.

    Feminist

    They'll get better eventually. But for now, we will let them scare the girls in peace.

    Next Chapter: Mushroom Forest (for real this time)…and PLOT/CHARACTER DEVLEOPMENT.

    Oh really now.
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:46 am

    Part 5: Lost Among the Toadstools

    Spoiler:

    Welp. Here comes another chapter. This one will include all of Mushroom Forest.

    000000000000000000000000

    The sun shined brightly as it rose over the hill.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuiynIn-g9s

    Nieta opened her eyes wearily. She had fallen asleep after Mika agreed to take the fourth watch. Still, Nieta had always been a light sleeper. She looked around, her vision blurred. She saw something in front of her. She rubbed her eyes and stared.

    Major bitch out in 3, 2, 1...

    Garrett was snoring peacefully under her. And then she saw her arms around him.

    ...

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed loudly, birds flying out of the trees around them.

    The birds have the right idea, its gtfo time

    Garrett's eyes snapped open, and he let out a yell of shock and horror. Mika (who was still awake) ran out from behind the caravan and caught the two.

    Bitchiness in this area just increased tenfold.

    Creston and Lianora both shot up awake, while Sam leaped out of his bed and fumbled for his sword. Star glanced around in alarm, before her eyes settled on the screaming Lilties. Ray just let out a loud grunt and turned over on his pillow.

    As much as I hate to say it, I like Ray now.
    Please don't kill me.


    Nieta leaped off of Garrett, her eyes wide. Garrett jumped up, brushed himself off, and his glare matched hers.

    "WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO!" asked Nieta, her face red in anger and embarrassment.

    "ME! How could I have done anything! You were on top of ME!" shouted Garrett, his hands curling into fists.

    She likes to be on top. Remember that.

    "Guys! Calm down!" shouted Lianora, rushing between them. "You're going to bring every monster here with your yelling."

    If only.

    Her advice was promptly ignored by the fiery duo.

    Creston walked over, grabbed Garrett's legs, and promptly held the flailing Lilty upside down.

    Classy

    Star, meanwhile, restrained Nieta.

    "Now, unless you both want to keep fighting each other rather than the monsters, be my guest," said Creston tiredly.

    Yes, please kill each other. 2 less characters I don’t have to pretend to give a shit about.

    "However, WE'RE going to head off to the next ,myrrh tree, if you don't mind."

    I love horrible comma usage!

    He dropped Garrett on his head, which caused the Lilty to let out an angry cry.

    YOU MESSED UP MAH DOO, ALPHONSE.

    The group started to pack up, but Mika walked over to Ray, who was still sleeping soundly.

    Aw...

    "Damn, this guy can sleep through anything," she said, leaning over him.

    This won’t turn out well.

    Suddenly, Ray stirred. He let out a loud yawn, and stretched up. He lifted his head.

    Right into Mika's chest.

    Ray's eyes snapped open.

    "AAH!" he and Mika shouted at the same time.

    "You're not Mr. Pillow!" Ray yelled, scrambling away from her.

    Mr. Pillow’s breasts are bigger, and real!

    "YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!" shouted Mika, her teeth bared in a snarl.

    Bitch powers, go!

    "It's your fault for leaning over me while I sleep!" retorted Ray. He got out a cloth and wiped off his face.

    ...why, might I ask?

    "Guys, calm down," said Sam. "I mean, I saw Lianora snuggling Creston's arm while I was on watch, and they weren't arguing about it."

    Why haven’t they all killed each other yet?

    Lianora whipped her head towards him. "What!"

    ...

    Creston shrugged. "I was awake, but I assumed you thought I was a pillow, so I didn't say anything. Don't worry about it, okay?"

    At least Creston is sane.

    "Alright," muttered Lianora. "And for the record, you all can call me Lia."

    In other words, the author has gotten of tired of writing the entire name. A bad sign, this is.

    "Alright," said Garrett.

    No, you’re all wrong.

    "Look, anyways, let's just go," said Star. Everyone nodded, although glares and mean looks were still being passed around.

    This is sadder than eDrama.

    "Where are we headed for next?" Nieta asked Creston.

    "The Mushroom Forest," he answered.

    "Where's that?" asked Garrett.

    The idiot speaks for us all.

    ...I see what she did there.


    "Right there," Creston responded, pointing a feathery hand. Up ahead, to the left a bit, was a large group of tall, wide mushrooms. From the distance they were at, the mushrooms seemed to glow with light.

    There you have it. The entire extent of the author’s description of the setting. A bunch of tall, wide, thick, glowing mushrooms, in a very small location. Just wait for the sausage metaphors.

    "Well then, let's move out," said Ray. The caravan finished packing its things and headed off.

    0000000000000000000000000

    "Here we are," said Lia. The group looked up at the towering toadstools before them.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJTYp1tvd3Q

    4:31 - 4:49

    It seemed so much smaller when they were far away.

    Why so phallic?

    "Alright…let's go," said Sam, leading the way in.

    As they stepped into the forest, they looked at their surroundings. The forest was lit up with beautiful mushrooms, and was covered with an autumn glow. Although the sun had just rose, the color and atmosphere of the forest made it seem as though the sun was setting.

    As they moved forward, a green seed-like object flew past Star's face.

    Whoever shot that must have a poor K/D ratio.

    The group turned to find two plant like creatures, their purple jaw-like leaves open.

    "Hell plants," muttered Lia.

    She's not actually all that smart, she just memorized the strategy guide.

    "Then let's go!" Garrett yelled. He rushed forward, only to be hit back by a seed.

    "No, Garrett," said Lia. "Your moves are powerful, but they aren't quick enough to deal with those things." She turned transparent for a moment and let a seed pass through her.

    "You also don't have enough range to deal with them."

    ...video game logic solves everything!

    "But WE do," said Mika and Ray, both grinning. Mika sent a projectile toward one Hell plant. It got hit right in the throat. The monster spluttered and coughed as it tried to get the object out of its throat.

    Some action scene. Needs moar awkward teen conversations.

    Ray, meanwhile, leaped forward, dodging all the second Hell plants blasts. Soon, he stood over the creature. He took a few whacks at it, before finally killing it. The monster made one final snap at him with its jaws, but then fell over and died. Meanwhile, the other Hell plant finally succumbed to its choking. It let out a rasping, croaking groan as it too died, fading into the miasma.

    The group moved on when they met 2 more Hell plants. The only difference was that there were new monsters with them.

    One was a Hedgehog Pie.

    Vicious pastries are vicious.

    The other was a small, impish looking creature, that had sharp teeth and a little whip attached to its head. A Gremlin.

    Natural selection is bullshit.

    "Alright!" shouted Sam, leading the caravanners into the fray. "Selkies, get the hell plants. I'll take the Hedge Pie, and Nieta, you and Creston take the Gremlin. Lia, heal anyone if they get hurt. Star; keep a lookout for other monsters. Garrett, you're backup."

    In other words, You're useless, Garrett.

    Sam rushed forward, as the Hedgehog Pie sent a fiery blast toward him.

    I wonder what a hedgehog pie tastes like.

    He ducked and beat the thing back with his sword. The creature tried to lunge at him, but Sam blocked it with his sword. He then chopped the creature in two, and it died instantly.

    Good work Sam, slayer of pastries! We never could've survived without you.

    Mika and Ray had already dealt with the Hell plants. Nieta was stabbing angrily at the Gremlin, who was chuckling as he dodged out of the way. He swung his whiplash towards her, and knocked her back.

    He prepared to deal another blow, only to have Creston appear out of nowhere and whack the little demon on the head. The Gremlin went flying in the air...

    I'm surprised Creston didn't yell Fore.

    ...and crashed into a mushroom with a sickening crunch.

    Curses. I guess he can still go for birdie.

    It fell to the ground and remained still.

    Ray, meanwhile, was dealing with another Gremlin that appeared to help its friend. It swung his whip at him, and he caught it in his hand.

    Then he screamed in pain

    Ray growled. "That's it! I'm done with this thing."

    He held the creature over his head and started to swing it around by the whip. The creature was swung around faster and faster until Ray let go. It soared through the sky and soon became a little speck in the distant clouds.

    Eat your heart out, Team Rocket.
    Ray seriously has the strength to throw a forest creature that high and that far?


    "Phew," said Sam, sitting down for a break. "These guys are tougher than the creatures on River Belle Path, that's for sure."

    "Yeah, but you guys handled it fine," said Garrett, coming back to the group, his arms full. "Meanwhile, I found some supplies and treasures for us. I thought they could be useful."

    "Oh wow, Garrett pulled his weight for once," said Creston lightly.

    Nevermind, he only has oddly shaped twigs and a couple leaves. Still, that's amazing for Garrett - how did he find those in a forest of mushrooms?

    Garrett opened his mouth to make a sharp reply, when suddenly, Lianora perked up.

    Comma overuse.

    "I…sense something…," she warned.

    Bitch senses!

    "What do you me-," began Mika, before something grabbed from behind.

    Mika needs to work on her bitch senses.

    "Nice try, Ray, but I'm not gonna fall for- AAAAH!" she yelled. She was being taken away by some monster flying in the sky. She looked down and saw her friends getting up. She looked up and saw the creature. An Ahriman. Its single dark red eye looked down at her with evil hunger.

    The most descriptive the author has been about any monster.

    She caught Creston trying to use a gravity spell, but the monster was too high.

    Down below, Star grabbed Creston's arm.

    "It's no use," she told him. "Even if the creature was low enough, your spell would cause it to fall and crush Mika under it."

    Which would be a good thing. Keep trying, Creston.

    Lia nodded. "You have to find another wa-AAAAAAH!" she yelled, as a second Ahriman swooped down and grabbed her.

    I like this Ahrimans. They really know who to devour.

    Creston ran forward to hit the monster, but it shot a laser at him and he slowed down. He groaned. A slow spell.

    Nieta looked around. "What do we do!" she asked frantically.

    OMGLIKEgarretOMGTHERE'SLIKEsucksALIKEahrimanTHATLIKEISFLYINGANDILIKEAMLIKEtailTOLIKESHORT

    Then she noticed Ray, sitting on the ground with his eyes closed.

    OMGLIKErayLIKEWHATisAREYOUgayLIKEDOING

    "Ray! What are you doing at a time like this? Help!" she asked.

    Isn't that what I just said?

    Ray opened an eye irritably.

    "Shut up, grass head!" he shouted, making a comment about her tuft-like hair. "I'm thinking."

    Ray is thinking? Shit just got real.

    He sat still for another moment, then leaped to his feet. He looked around and found the tallest mushroom he could find.

    "Creston! Cast Haste or Hastaga on me!" he yelled. Creston looked over.

    "It'll take too long if I do it," the Yuke yelled back. "You'll have to."

    Groaning, Ray cast the spell on himself. He shook his head, shaking off some dizziness (only Yukes were unaffected by the dizziness effects after casting a spell), and ran towards the mushroom.

    "Is he an idiot?" asked Garrett.

    Yes

    Then his eyes widened.

    "What the hell!" he shouted. Ray ran right up to the tree, but he didn't stop there. He started running up the toadstool, his eyes blazing with determination.

    Is it a tree or a mushroom. Honestly.

    "Whoa," muttered Sam, casting a glance at the Selkie.

    "Holy cow, kupo," said Mog.

    No. Kupo you, Mog.

    Ray continued to run until he reached the top of the mushroom. He could see the vast distances of the forest, and he could also see that there was a single clear looking spot. The myrrh tree was fairly close. He finally caught sight of Mika, the Ahriman rising out of the toadstools. He ran forward and jumped, landing on the monsters back.

    He then guided the Ahriman to the nearest Starbucks and asked for a quadruple chocolate lotte.

    He took his racket and slammed into the creatures red eye. It let out a horrible screech and dropped Mika. Ray jumped off the monster and grabbed her. Glancing back, he aimed one last shot at the Ahriman. It let out a weak whimper, and started hurtling to the ground. It slammed into the hard ground, and died. Ray, meanwhile, landed safely on a mushroom. He flopped to the ground and put Mika down.

    Then the ground exploded and everybody died. Great rescue, Ray.

    "There. Am I still an insensitive asshole?" he asked.

    Yes

    Mika shook her head.

    "Sorry…," she said. "And thanks…"

    Although she did shake her head, I love how Mika doesn't actually admit it.

    "It's what friends are for," he said. Then his legs shook and he fell over, groaning a bit.

    "Ray!" asked Nieta, running over. "What's wrong?"

    He didn't reply, just clutched his stomach and grumbled a bit.

    He must've tried the Hedgehog Pie. I definitely not going to try it now.

    Meanwhile, Sam and Garrett were still trying to rescue Lia from the second Ahriman's clutches. Sam casted Clear on Creston who got up.

    "I have an idea," the Yuke said, adjusting his helm. "But it's risky. Garrett, as soon as I cast this next spell, run forward and stab that monster as hard as you can."

    Even if the monster is to your left or right, run foward. You'll definitely hit it.

    "Got it." Confirmed the Lilty. Creston waved his hand, and a Gravity spell came down on the Ahriman. "NOW!"

    Garrett ran forward and stabbed the rapidly falling monster right in the eye.

    Good eye, Garrett. You actually did something.

    At the same time, Creston used Stop on it. Lianora glanced down. Another second, and that monster would've fallen right into the ground, and crushed her. Creston pulled her out of the frozen monster's clutches. At the same time, Star cut off the creatures wings. The monster unfroze and started twitching and swinging its whiplash tail about. It was futile. The monster's bloody eye glazed over, and it turned over and died.

    Overkill is underrated.

    "Well, that settles that," said Garrett, wiping some sweat off his forehead.

    ...he barely did anything, and he's sweating.

    "Creston! Lia!" yelled Nieta, her short body running over. "Something's wrong with Ray. Mika doesn't seem so great either."

    The group hurried over. Creston checked Mika first. She seemed pale, and shivering.

    "Don't worry about me," she said. "I'm bound to be colder than all of you, with these light clothes and all."

    Yeah, I'm barely wearing anything at all.

    Creston nodded, although he still kept an eye on her. He walked over to where Lianora was checking on Ray. The other Selkie was also pale, but he was groaning and shaking his head a bit. He was also holding his stomach.

    Gotta lay off the drugs, man...

    Creston looked around. "What has he done recently?"

    Nieta and Mika both explained. Both Yukes listened intently.

    "Miasma," they both said simultaneously.

    "What?" asked Sam.

    "When Ray ran up the mushroom, he must've left the Crystal's barrier," explained Lia. "Mika left it's barrier, too, but for a shorter period of time. That's why she's pale. Ray, on the other hand, has a stomachache because he was out longer.

    Oh god, a stomach ache? How will he survive?

    As for his head, it's only the after effect of casting a powerful spell. All tribes except Yukes get it. Don't worry. They'll be alright."

    "Well, we might as well rest for a few minutes," said Sam. "But this time, keep an eye on the skies. We don't want that to happen again."

    Yeah. Next time, we'll just leave whoever gets flown away. We just can't be bothered to do all that again.

    The grouped moved deeper into the woods, getting closer to its heart where the myrrh tree was. Suddenly, Nieta heard a rustle behind them. She turned and saw a tiny worm.

    A tiny worm caused an audible rustle?

    She rolled her eyes. "Seriously? This is just pathe- WHOA!"

    Everyone whirled around. Two more tiny worms had joined the first one.

    How could we ever defeat three tiny worms!? I mean, psh, giant crabs, huge goblins, and vicious pastries? But something less than a thousandth of their size? This is insane!

    They all began to move forward, there tiny legs moving quite quickly across the ground.

    Tea Rage at there.

    Creston glanced at them, and then raised his hand. "FIRE!"

    A worm caught on fire, and it let out a squeak of pain. It skittered around frantically and ran into its companion, igniting it in the flames as well. They both fell over and burned, their legs still twitching.

    Sadly, this cannot happen in the game.

    The last worm, who was younger than the other two, started to back away, reconsidering its options. But Garrett wasn't going to let that happen. As the young worm started to turn around, the Lilty ran over. The worm let out a squeal of terror and ran in the opposite direction. Garrett ran up next to it and slashed it viciously in the side. The worm fell over and joined its companions in the afterlife.

    Three tiny worms? That must've been the final boss, I'm ready to retire.

    "Garrett…you didn't need to do that," said Star, looking at the dead worm sympathetically. "It would've left us alone."

    I mean really, what could a tiny worm do? How did we even see them?

    "You don't know that for sure," said Garrett.

    "Sadly, I have to admit Garrett has a point," said Lia.

    Its a classic JRPG theme: villains slaughter everything a young thing knows and leave him or her to fend for his or herself. It later comes back in ten years later, a master of every martial art in existance and sporting good-looking spikey hair. We have to take precautions.

    Garrett didn't know whether that was a compliment or an insult, so he just remained silent.

    Silent, the only way we like Garrett

    As the group trekked on, they reached a long, dark tunnel that was covered with glowing mushrooms.

    We oughta have a sweet rave party here!

    "I can sense the myrrh tree," murmured Creston. "We're close."

    After he was finished speaking, two hell plants burst from the ground, and an Ahriman swooped down. A Gremlin hopped over to join the fray.

    Then a goblin swat team parachuted in with the help of puff the magic dragon. Suddenly, all the glowing mushrooms exploded, each releasing a myriad of tiny worms. They all said in unison:

    Like hell, punks! This is our square dancing grounds! There's only one way to solve this...
    A west side story sing and dance off!


    "Shoot! We'll have to split up!" said Sam.

    But we'll have to remain politically correct.

    "Garrett, Nieta, and Ray, come with me. Star, Lia, Creston, and Mika, you guys stay back here and deal with this. We'll get the myrrh and come back to help you.

    We know you all suck at dancing, but hell, anything beats square dancing.

    Lia nodded. "Okay. You should be safe, as the myrrh tree is so close. Go!"

    The chosen four moved on, while the others held the monsters at bay.

    Star, Lia, and Mika all used their exotic dancing skills. Creston just watched.



    0000000000000000

    Sam looked around. They were in a clearing. He noticed a small green creature in the middle, and just beyond that, the Myrrh tree. They continued to walk forward, when the green creature growled.

    "What is that thing?" asked Garrett.

    "A Marlboro," said Sam. "They're plant creatures, but not so dangerous. I don't know as much about them as Lia or Creston, but I think we can take it easily."

    The creature continued to growl and then it started making odd noises. At the same time, energy seemed to flow from the mushroom to the monster. With a loud cry, the Marlboro swelled to a massive size.

    Phew, at least it didn't get any smaller. I mean those tiny worms back there...jeez, it took way too long to kill them

    Ray glared at Sam.

    "Not so dangerous, eh?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Sam gave him an apologetic look.

    Jeez man, sorry I'm not the one who memorized the strategy guide...

    "Let's do this!" shouted Garrett, rushing forward.

    Gee, where have we seen this before?

    At the same time, Nieta and Ray both took out two Hell plants that had emerged upon the start of the battle.

    Back the fuck up. Didn't the author already state that Garret and Nieta were too slow to take hell plants?

    Meanwhile, Garrett was striking the main threat with all of his might.

    "Take that!" he shouted. "AND THAT! AND SOME OF THIS TOO!"

    ...

    The Marlboro let out a furious roar.

    I agree

    Its roots appeared out of the ground and knocked Garrett back. At the same time, Nieta rushed forward. She then thrust her spear, not at the Marlboro, but into the ground. She flung herself in the air like she was doing a pole vault, and hurtled toward the monster. She landed on its head, and began to slash at its eyes. The Marlboro cried out. He shook her off into the air. Nieta stared. The Marlboro took a deep breath. Green drool trickled out of his mouth.

    Stupid Marbolo, you flung her into the air, now swallow her.

    "NIETA! LOOK OUT! HOLD YOUR BREATH!" shouted Sam in alarm. At the same time, the Marlboro breathed a deadly blast of poison.

    Marbolo: No no no, be sure to breathe! This poison only works on people who hold their breath!

    Ray rushed into the fray.

    He was taking his time finishing this quadruple chocolate latte. This guy really gets his priorities straight.

    He sent some projectiles flying into the Marlboro. It roared at him, in pain and fury.

    "Ahahahahahahaha!" laughed Ray. "C'mon, is that it?" He jumped away from attacking roots, and dodged a second blast of poison. "You call yourself a monster?"

    It just wants to discuss literature, seriously. Its you punks that keep trying to kill it.

    Despite the serious situation, Nieta raised an eyebrow at Ray. 'Wasn't he just suffering pain from miasma or something? How'd he get better so quick?'

    The author forgot.

    Ray aimed another aura blast at the Marlboro. It didn't seem to care.

    "What's the matter? Given up?" asked Ray with a cocky smirk. A moment later, he realized how wrong he was. As he tried to move, he found his body had been struck by a slow spell.

    ...indeed.

    "DAMNIT!" he yelled- and then he noticed a violet and black spell circle under him.

    Only in video games.

    "Uh-oh," he said. The Marlboro unleashed its curse spell on the hapless Selkie. It then swatted him aside with its root.

    Curses, swept aside like the unimportant character I am!

    Sam ran forward, his sword in his hand. He struck the Marlboro many times before he drew back again.

    He had to stop for a coffee break. Y'know, classic rpg battle systems.

    Then he rushed forward once more.

    The Marlboro was ready for him. It let out a blast of poison gas that covered Sam. Nieta watched, stunned.

    How dare he use a counterattack.

    "NO! SAM!" she cried. Garrett looked over at the spot Sam had disappeared into.

    "No…no way," he muttered, still holding off some roots.

    Don't worry, that was just a cloud of LSD. Sam is used to this.

    The Marlboro let out a victorious screech. Then, it was cut off by a gurgling noise. The creature looked down to find Sam's sword imbedded in its stomach. At the same time, Ray had aimed a projectile in its throat.

    At its throat?

    The Marlboro's victory screech turned into a screech of terror. It writhed and shook in pain before it fell over. A sickly green goo dripped out of its mouth, as the same green slime engulfed the monster, dissolving it.

    No leftover body. How very nice.

    "We…we did it," panted Ray. Sam nodded, and let out a breath.

    "Thank god I can hold my breath long, or that poison would've killed me," he muttered.

    How very dues ex machina of you.

    "Well, looks like you did a good job," came a voice. The tired four looked over to find Creston walking down towards them. "But you guys look like you've been beat."

    "We missed the party?" asked Mika.

    If by party, you mean murder of a completely innocent ‘boss monster' that just wanted to discuss literature? Then yes, you missed the party.

    "Party, whatever, let's just get the myrrh and go," said Garrett, taking the chalice.

    I hate you all, lets just get the myrrh and go.

    He walked up towards the tree and held the chalice in his hands. A drop of myrrh fell into the chalice, filling it up two-thirds of the way.

    "Only one more left," said Lianora.

    "Yep," said Ray.

    Soon, the mail moogle arrived baring letters from home (again, Creston not receiving a letter). For the most part, the letters bared good news, although Lia's father burnt his hand, and Star's mother got her foot broken when the cow accidentally stepped on it.

    Should we care?

    Garrett, meanwhile, was annoyed when he received a loaf of bread as a gift from his dad.

    The group chose what treasures they would keep, and got up to leave. As they did however, Garrett and Sam fell over, and Nieta moved slowly as though she was exhausted. Ray, on the other hand, moved at a normal pace, but his eyes showed his weariness.

    "As I thought," said Lia. "You guys were close enough to the tree to not be affected by miasma, but the Marlboro you guys fought must've got you anyway. Stronger monsters carry more miasma, so he must've hit you with it while he was attacking. You'll be fine once we return to the caravan."

    With that, the caravanners left the clearing, leaving the empty myrrh tree and the luminous mushrooms behind.

    00000000000000000000000000

    This took a long time to type, but I had fun with this chapter. My personal favorite parts are when everyone wakes up to the morning chaos, when Ray runs up the mushroom, and Nieta's pole vaulting. XD

    My favorite was Nieta's pole dancing and the tiny worms boss. I could never get past them.

    As for the characters themselves…as you can probably guess, there will be romance between them.

    Oh good lord.

    But not for a while. I'll most likely keep it interspecies. But to give you a hint on WHEN the romance comes, I'll just say that the first ones to succumb to it will be the Clavats…and they probably won't be together until Selepation Cave or Daemon' Court.

    Next Chapter: The town of trade, Marr's Pass! And a certain character's story will be revealed through his rage.

    Gee, I wonder who.
    Definitely not Garret


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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:47 am

    Part 6: Marr's Pass, Garrett's Rage
    Spoiler:
    Here comes another chapter, right at ya! This one is dedicated to Marr's Pass. I said a certain character is going to have some development here. Well now you find out the answer (although the Chapter Title gives it away). If you haven't figured it out, the answer is Garrett.

    BULLSHIT

    Another thing-I tend to update about every 2 weeks, but that may change soon. I should be able to start updating more often. Yay!

    Unlike me, who'll be updating less often.

    Also…review, please! I need opinions and ideas for this story, so they would be really helpful! Thanks!

    Well, anyhow, ON WITH THE CHAPTER!

    00000000000000000000000

    The group left the fungi of Mushroom Forest behind, and joined their caravan again. Creston took the reins and began to steer the caravan along. Sam looked at the map.

    Would've been helpful if he knew how to read.

    "Well…Marr's Pass is just ahead, so I think we should take a break. Who agrees?" he asked. Everyone agreed.

    "Well...I'm bored. Who wants to make fun of Garrett?” he asked. Everyone wanted to. Even Garrett.

    Sam let out a relieved sigh. Everyone seemed to get along a bit better after the battles during the Mushroom Forest. It was good news to him; he probably wouldn't have to break up another fight anytime soon.

    Just then, Nieta started screaming. Garrett was sleeping under her again.

    As the caravan moved on, Creston called to them that another caravan was coming. Sam looked out. They were all friendly looking Clavats.

    Except the guy with the blatantly evil mustache. He looked a dastardly bastard.

    They were most likely the caravan from the Fields of Fum. Sam hopped out to greet them.

    He'd hoped he could send them on their way before Ray started dealing drugs again. Or buying them.

    "Hello, fellow caravanners," said the leader, a black-haired female. "How are your travels going?"

    "Good," Sam replied, nodding to them. "And yours?"

    Fine, until we met a group of pricks from Tipa. OH WAIT.

    "We're just on our way to collect our third drop of myrrh," said one of the male members.

    "What a coincidence-so are we," said Lianora.

    These clavats be up to something...

    "Well, we have to get going, but we wish you luck," said the first Clavat. "In fact, take some of these striped apples. We have extras, so you might as well have them. We insist."

    PEER PRESSURE IS A SERIOUS ISSUE

    Sam was about to politely refuse, but then Ray hopped out of the caravan, ran up, and took the striped apples in his hands.

    Striped apples are probably the equivalent of drugs in this world. At least to selkies.

    "God bless you, woman," said Ray, a radiant grin on his face as he ran back into the caravan.

    He and Mika then went ecstatic.

    The female Clavat's eyes followed him, amused and confused at the same time.

    I get that stare a lot.

    "Well…so long then," said Creston. With that being said, the two caravans parted ways.

    After a while, Garrett took the reins.

    We're screwed.

    Creston, meanwhile, was plotting there course.

    The usual reason for a tea rage.

    The other six caravanners crowded around him.

    "So…after our stay at Marr's Pass," Creston was saying," we head to the Mine of Cathuriges. "

    Yay, an error other than there! Verb tense.

    "Where's that?" asked Nieta.

    "Right here," said Creston, pointing to his map. "It is the closest place to us, as it is also in the Iron Mine Downs."

    "Iron Mine Downs?" asked Garrett from the front.

    "The name of the area we are in," answered Lianora. "It is named after iron, as the Mine of Cathuriges and the Blacksmithing town of Marr's Pass are both in this area. Up beyond the northern Miasma stream is the Vale of Alfitaria. It is named after the large Lilty town of Alfitaria."

    Cool story, sis.

    Nieta shifted a bit at the mention of Alfitaria.

    The town of bitchy aristocrats and...more bitchy aristocrats. Not at all like River Belle Path.

    Obvious foreshadowing~~~.


    "Also in the Vale of Alfitaria," continued Creston ",is Moschet Manor. We won't have to go there until next year, though.

    Cough, spoiler, cough

    ...The only other notable area in the Vale is…Tida."

    Only one letter off from their hometown. People back then were really lazy in naming their towns.

    The effect of that one word was astonishing. Garrett's hands slipped a little on the reins, and Nieta let out a small hiccup. Star's eyes widened, and Mika looked uneasy. Ray frowned and Sam tensed a little bit. Lianora remained calm, but her hand trembled for a minute.

    Then Creston farted - everyone laughed. Classic Creston.

    They all knew about the downfall of Tida. Although they had never been there, it was a story among their village. How Tida had been destroyed, exactly, was unknown. But now they all realized that if they failed in their quest, then their village and families would wind up just like that.

    So, they know what caused the destruction of Tida, that the towns caravan didn’t complete its mission, but they don’t know how Tida was destroyed.

    Is anyone else lost?


    Even though they wouldn't have to go there until later, they all were already tense in anticipation.

    Tea Rage at...nevermind.

    "Anyways," said Lia, breaking the silence. "We go to Veo Lu. Up there is the Veo Lu Sluice, which flows into the Jegon River. Also there is the Yukeish village of Shella, which rests on Lake Shella."

    Behind his mask, Creston's eyes darkened at the mention of Shella.

    Obvious foreshadowing.

    "Then there are other areas," said Lianora. "There are the Kilanda Islands, and the Lynari Isle. But we'd need a boat to get there. Also, across the Jegon River lie two more areas. One is the Plains of Fum. In there are the Fields of Fum, the windy Selepation cave, and Daemon's Court."

    Needless to say, do we care?

    "And beyond there," said Creston. "Lay the Rebena Plains. Unlike most of the areas we've discussed, there are no cities in there. The Rebena Plains are dark, drenched in Miasma. And the two areas that are there are very perilous indeed. One is Conall Curach."

    Land of beasts with alliterated names

    Ray's eyes widened for a split second, before going back to normal. But one of his fists remained clenched.

    Obvious foreshadowing.

    "The other is Rebena Te Ra," said Lianora. Everyone glanced at each other. "A fearsome place as well."

    "But anyways, let's get off the topic of what we're GOING to do," said Creston. "We should be arriving at Marr's Pass soon."

    "We're here!" shouted Garrett. The caravan rode into town.

    HELL YES NO MORE BLATANT FORESHADOWING.

    Hopefully.


    000000000000000000000

    As the group strolled into Marr's Pass, they formed their plan.

    It was riddled with holes a four-year old could see through.

    "Right…so if we're going to stay the night here, I'll reserve an inn for us," offered Creston.

    I'll make the arrangements as awkward as possible.

    "Alright," said Sam. "I'll go buy supplies."

    We're running out of oddly shaped sticks. We can hold off on antidotes, potions, and phoenix downs - I mean really, those things are useless.

    Lia walked up to him. "I'll come with you." Sam nodded.

    Because guys suck at shopping, it probably is best that [s]Lianora[/s] the Scout is going with Sam

    Star looked over at Mika. "I'm going to search for supplies too. Wanna come with me?"

    Mika nodded, smiling. "Sure!" After Star had turned away, Mika smirked. She wasn't planning on buying anything. "Borrowing" would be a better word.

    Garrett strode off at a leisurely pace. "I'm gonna go buy a better weapon." Nieta followed him.

    Like the awkward boy she was.

    Ray looked around. "I'm gonna-," he began, then noticed that no one else was with him. "Never mind…I'll just go walk around or something."

    The author often forgets about Mog.

    And so he set off.

    Like the awkward girl he was

    00000000000000000000

    Sam and Lia walked through the crowds, searching for a merchant. They only found one. And it was a Selkie. Sam and Lia exchanged a look.

    Shit just got real

    This would've been a suitable job for Ray or Mika, but not for a Clavat or a Yuke. Still, they needed supplies. They hesitantly walked over.

    "Hello friends," said the merchant, with a grin. "What would you like."

    Sam and Lia browsed through the supplies. Eventually, they bought what they had needed.

    They filled their inventory with oddly shaped sticks, beetles, and a love letter found on the street. You know, in case of any fetch quests.

    "That'd be about 1000 gil," said the Selkie merchant. Lia and Sam split the price and left.

    "Suckers," muttered the Selkie. "All that stuff was about worth 600 gil."

    Later that day, he realized what they bought was actually worth 1100 gil. There were no more merchants in Marr’s Pass after that.

    As they walked away, Sam turned to Lia.

    "Do you think he tricked us?" asked Sam.

    Generic hero senses always right. As always.

    "No…despite stereotypes, not all Selkies are thieves," replied Lia. It was a pity that she wasn't right about that Selkie back there.

    0000000000000000

    Mika and Star moved on through the crowds. Star was walking by a bench, when she suddenly felt someone grab her butt. She yelped in alarm,

    Yelped is a good word for Star.

    ...and whirled around. Mika looked with her.

    Must've been Mika.

    There was an old man, eating a gourd potato. He looked at the two curiously.


    He looked nothing like this


    "Why hello there, young ladies," he said. "What are you lookin' for? Can I be of any help?"

    That's not something you see everyday, a completely innocent old man.

    Star looked at him, then looked around. Finally she shook her head and left with Mika. The old man grinned.

    "Heh…I managed not to get caught again," he whispered.

    BULLSHIT. It was Mika

    Mika glanced at Star. "What happened back there?"

    A completely pointless scene that had absolutely no relevance to the story, but only emphasized the fact the Star is a bitch [s]and Mika is a lesbian.[/s]

    Star shook her head. "Nothing."


    What I just said.
    As they walked on, Mika heard whistling. Not like whistling a tune, though. More like obnoxious whistling.

    So, like Yakety Sax?

    She turned and found the source of the noise.

    A noisemaker. Obviously.

    There, over by a wall, were a group of boys. Two Selkies, two Clavats, and a Lilty. They were all grinning at her.

    "Hey there, cutie," called one of the Selkies. Mika rolled her eyes. "You got any plans?"

    Kick each of you in your prepubescent balls, maybe?

    "Yeah, but not with you!" she shouted back at them. Star looked back and watched the spectacle.

    I'd make a more interesting Mika.

    "Aw, don't be like that!" shouted the Lilty.


    "U mad?” shouted the Lilty

    "Yeah, you can invite your friend there and everything!" called one of the Clavats.

    Even though I'm only like 12 or 13, I still can-

    Mika smacked her forehead in frustration.

    Cool. Now do that same motion, just with a knife in your hand.

    She needed to get rid of these idiots.

    Do what I said

    Suddenly, she caught Ray reading a map, walking through the crowd (what was strange was that he was holding it upside down).

    Sigh

    A devious idea formed in her mind. She leaped over, grabbed his shoulder and pulled back towards where Star was trying to ignore the persistent boys.

    TvTropes: ‘Abusively Sexy Woman’

    "Oh Ray!" she said in lovey-dovey tone. "I was looking all over for you!"

    BULLSHIT

    "Uh…what?" asked Ray, looking at her as if she was crazy.

    She was.

    Mika threw her arms around him.

    "I can't believe it! You would just vanish without telling me," said Mika, winking at him. "A boyfriend shouldn't do that to his girl, you know?"

    "Boyfriend?" asked Ray. Mika winked at him again. He finally caught on.

    After someone showed him his cue card.

    "Boyfriend! Aw man!" shouted one of the Selkies. Meanwhile, one of the Clavats snuck up behind Star and groped her chest.

    Big mistake.

    Star whirled around and punched the smirking boy in the face. He stumbled backwards, blood spilling from his nose, before falling unconscious.

    Bitch powers, activate!

    The other boys backed off. "Let's get out of here!"

    Yeah, we're no match for bitch powers!

    As soon as they were gone, Mika removed her arms. "Thanks Ray. You were a big help."

    Ray did nothing but stand there like a stupid bloke. Star actually punched him, dumb Mika.

    "What, no more hugging? Doesn't a girl usually hug her boyfriend?" asked Ray mockingly.

    No, actually a real boyfriend and girlfriend...

    "You know for a fact I only did that to get rid of them!" she said indignantly.

    BULLSHIT

    "I think Star's method worked better," Ray said bluntly. "I'm heading off, but if you ever want a date, come find me."

    Good work Star. Dumb Mika.

    He gave her one last smirk before disappearing into the crowd. Mika stamped her foot.

    "He saves me from miasma, we become friends, and then he goes and does this? I hate him!"

    Obvious couple is obvious.

    0000000000000000

    Garrett walked up to the Lilty blacksmith and handed him a scroll that he had found.

    It was a difficult decision - pick up that old scroll or pick up another awkwardly shaped stick. Sadly, Ray took the stick, so he was stuck with the crummy scroll. Damn Ray.

    "Can you make me this?" he asked. The blacksmith nodded.

    "Do you have the materials and can you pay?" he asked. Garrett threw some money on the table and handed him materials.

    Garrett often throws money at people, but that usually never gets him what he wants.

    Nieta caught up to him. "There you are! It's hard keeping up with you, y'know?"

    Garrett groaned. It was impossible to shake her off

    "Not my fault," said Garrett. He turned around and took his new weapon.

    I am heavy weapons guy. And THIS is my new weapon.

    "Wait a minute, okay?" Nieta asked. "I'm gonna get my weapon a tune up."

    Quick, gtfo Garret! She's going to get distracted by an awkwardly shaped stick and somehow work her way to the mall!

    "Make it quick. Creston will flip out on us if we're late," Garrett responded. As he waited, he looked at the blacksmith working. If only his own father was a Blacksmith. But no. His father was a miller. He wasn't a warrior, or had nothing to do WITH warriors. Garrett was a bit ashamed.

    Garrett sucks at whining, too

    He suddenly spotted something gleaming on the blacksmith's chest.

    Which is odd - Garrett often focused on the chest of any man who based by. How did he miss that?

    It was a badge with the Lilty symbol on it. It was gold, and a red ribbon hung off it. Garrett then realized something. His father had a badge exactly like that, but gold.

    It was purty.

    "What's that" he questioned the blacksmith, curious. The blacksmith looked up.

    GARRETT IS TOO COOL FOR QUESTION MARKS!

    "This? It's a badge...

    Really now?

    ...It was given out to those who served in the Lilty army during one of our wars."

    Actually, I stole it off a bum. Its purty, no?

    "You were in the army?" asked Garrett, surprised.

    "I was, but I'm too old for that stuff now," explained the blacksmith. "Although I was just a mercenary, I still received this bronze badge for my valor and bravery. Although bronze is the lowest level badge you receive. Why are you so interested?"

    Its purty, that’s reason enough.

    "My dad back at home has a badge just like that," said Garrett. "Only it's gold."

    "A gold badge?" asked the blacksmith. "Kid, that's the highest level badge you can receive! If memory serves me right, only about 5 people got them."

    "A-are you saying…my dad is a warrior?" asked Garrett incredulously. "That's impossible! He's just a dumb miller!"

    "I suppose after such an experience in the army, he would want to settle down…," said the blacksmith thoughtfully.

    Garrett stared down at his weapon. Disbelief flowed through his mind, which turned to anger, which turned to furious rage.

    Then he got distracted by an awkwardly shaped stick and he lost his train of thought.

    He lied to me! He's been lying to me my whole life!

    Well don’t worry. Your real father was worse.

    The blacksmith handed Nieta back her weapon. "Here ya go miss."

    I didn’t do anything to but look and hold on to it for a few seconds, but that’s reason enough to charge 9001 gil.

    Nieta paid him, and left with Garrett. It was time they returned to the inn where Creston was.

    Nieta opened her eyes as she heard a noise.

    NO TRANSITION EFFECT!? ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT

    Everyone else was asleep. Star was murmuring in her sleep and Ray was snoring loudly. Creston let out an occasional mumble or two.

    Nieta looked around. Garrett's bed was empty. She heard a distant noise again. She walked outside.

    Must’ve wet his bed. Again.

    She looked around, then followed the noise again. She looked around the corner, towards the exit of the village. She saw Garrett there.

    "DAMNIT!" he yelled, slashing at a tree with his spear. Nieta looked over. Several other trees bore nasty slash marks in them. "HE LIED TO ME! DAMNIT!"

    U mad?

    Nieta turned to step away, but stepped on a branch. Garrett turned at the noise.

    Axe crazy murder time !? Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy!?

    "Who's there?" he asked. Nieta walked out.

    "What do you want?" he muttered.

    Just kill her already D=!

    "Well, you hear someone swearing at three in the morning, you get worried," said Nieta logically.

    Logically is a word you never expect to be used in a a fanfiction. Logically.

    Garrett glanced at her.

    "Smart as always," he grumbled, sitting down.

    "What's wrong?" she asked.

    HELL NO. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.

    "Nothing that has to do with you," came the annoyed reply. "Go back to bed."

    Thank you.

    "Tell me," she urged.

    "No," he refused stubbornly.

    "If you don't tell me, I'll tell the others, and they'll MAKE you tell."

    Two ax-crazy murderers!? Do want!

    Garrett glared at her. "You wouldn't," he snarled.

    "Try me," came the retort.

    "Fine," he growled. "You win...

    Whatever respect I had for Garrett just committed seppuku.

    ...Remember that blacksmith dude?"

    No, I’ve a shitty memory. I’m like Dora from Finding Nemo...

    What’s your name again?


    She nodded.

    BULLSHIT

    "Well…I found out from him that my father was one of the best warriors in the army. But now he's just a dumb miller. My dad was great! He could still be great! But no, now he's just making BREAD!"

    Just kidding, his bread is more than good, its


    At that last word, he chucked his spear at a tree, embedding it deep in the wood.

    He tends to mutilate wood quite a bit.

    Get your mind out of the gutter.


    "He's been lying to me," Garrett muttered. "Lying to me for 16 years."

    You’re mother’s been lying for longer

    Nieta looked at him for a moment, studying him closely.

    She wondered what his name was.

    Then she reached out and patted him on the shoulder.

    Cool. Now, that same motion, but with a knife. And in the center of his back.

    Garrett whipped his head in alarm, then relaxed.

    Shit, can he read in between the lines?

    "There there," she said. "Calm down. You're gonna raise the dead with all that yelling...

    Please do - zombies make everything at least ten times more interesting.

    ...Your father must've had a good reason to have quit fighting. You can ask him when you return home."

    Foreshadowing~~~

    OH GOD DAMMIT


    "If we return home," growled Garrett.

    "When," said Nieta. Garrett looked at her.

    "Alright you win," he said, getting up. "I'm going back to bed."

    Garrett the pushover.

    "Alright," said Nieta, getting up as well. Garrett walked ahead of her, marching back to the inn.

    He stopped. "Hey, Nieta?"

    The Lilty perked up. "Yes?"

    "Uh…well…thanks."

    Nieta smiled as he walked into the inn, closing the door behind him.

    ...if he’s ahead of her, and he just shut the door behind him, isn’t she locked out now?

    "No problem," she said, heading back to bed as well.

    Why’d you shut the door in my face, asshole?

    Another chapter is now done! Yay.

    Hallelujah.

    Personal favorite parts are: The beginning, when they are looking at the map, and the Yukes give a history lesson.

    Geography, dumbass.

    When Star punches the perverted boy in the face.

    When Mika gropes Star...

    The Lilty scene with Garrett's anger in the morning.

    This chapter wasn't really meant to be a serious chapter or a parody.

    She actually didn’t plan any of it out, at all. She just winged it.

    I just threw in some little things in the beginning (The merchant and the boys). But then I tried to make it a bit more deep with Garrett's story being revealed more. Also, before you ask, Nieta does not have a crush on him. YET.

    It gets worse.

    We shall save the romance for later, yes? Nieta is just friendly and trying to help out, is all. I picked Nieta NOT because she was another Lilty. I picked her because she is a light sleeper (making her the most likely one to wake up) and because I wanted it to be a female character (I considered using Lianora in her place).

    Next up: The Mine of Cathuriges! I may split it up into shorter chapters because it's a long course Just FYI.

    Sam: And because the author wishes to express his desire for reviews in a polite way, he has left me to give you the message. Please review, everyone!

    OH GOD, the author is a he. I guess I just got contradicted.

    You suck, Sam.
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    Soul
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:47 am

    Chapter 7: Deep Within the Fiery Furnace
    Spoiler:

    Another chapter, WOO! This time we shall explore the MINE OF CATHURIGES! *DUN DUN DUN*

    Yawn

    Mika woke up yawning, and stretching. She glanced around the room. Star and Ray were both still asleep. She brushed her hair out of her eyes and glanced at a clock. It was late morning.

    Oh no! I am late for the end of school

    She got out of bed and walked downstairs.

    When she got there, she found the others all eating breakfast. A plate of toasted...



    ...bannock was on the table.

    [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avU5onrWfYo[/video]

    Mika sat down and helped herself to some.


    It was scrumdiddlyoumptious


    "G'mornin' Mika," said Nieta, yawning. The Lilty girl looked like she hadn't gotten a lot of sleep.

    "Good morning," Mika responded. She took a bite of the toast. "This is really good! Who made it?"

    Stupid sexy Flanders

    "The chef you're looking for is over there," said Lia, pointing to the head of the table.

    Apparently it takes a chef to make toast. People in this world must be bloody retarded.

    Mika looked and saw Garrett, who now had a scowl on his face.

    Isn’t that his normal face?

    "Yeah, yeah…no matter how much I hate it, I know everything about bread. Even how to cook it," he muttered crossly.

    He has trained at the mystical bobcat mountain and has mastered all 99 arts of cooking bread. He is the bread meister, but he sucks at everything else.

    Creston rolled his eyes behind his sallet. "She wasn't insulting you, moron."

    Sadly, I like Creston now

    "SHUT UP, BEAK BOY!" shouted Garrett, making a reference to the beak-like quality of Creston's helm.

    We could’ve made that connection if you actually described your characters. Lazy author.

    "Anyways, after we're done with breakfast and packing up, we'll get out of here," said Creston, ignoring the fuming Lilty.

    Sadly, I like Creston a lot. I'm hoping it'll pass.

    Everyone nodded, and they went back to their breakfast.



    "Y'know, Garrett, this IS really good. Have you ever considered being a cook when you grow up?"

    "ARGH! SHUT UP CRESTON!"

    Creston: U mad brah?

    00000000000000000000000000000

    At about noon, the caravan left Marr's Pass. Star was now awake, but Ray was still snoring as he lied down in the back of the caravan.

    He wasn’t really sleeping, he was in [s]drug[/s] striped apple withdrawal

    Nieta took the reins and the caravan left the blacksmithing village behind.

    Sam sat up next to Nieta, watching the road ahead of them.

    "Are you sure you're alright to take the reins?" he asked.

    Nieta whipped around her head and glared at him. "Why wouldn't I be? Because I'm a girl?" she demanded hotly.

    Oh noes, she played the sexism card!

    "No, not at all!" said Sam quickly, putting up his hands in defense.



    "It's just…you look tired. You can always go to the back of the caravan and sleep like Ray."

    "I'm fine," said Nieta, her hostility gone.

    Let’s all be bipolar!

    "I just didn't get much sleep, but it won't be a problem. Thanks for worrying though. Plus, I'd rather be awake. That way I don't seem lazy like Ray."

    OH NO SHE DIDN’T

    "Sorry, what was that? I heard my name up here," came a voice from behind the two. They turned and saw Ray awake, rubbing his eyes.

    "What was that Nieta? Something about me being lazy or something?" he asked.

    "Not at all Ray, not at all," Nieta lied, turning to face the road again.

    Pushover is Nieta. Sorta like Garrett.

    0000000000000000000000000

    "We're here!" yelled Nieta, and the caravan pulled to a halt.

    Seconds later, the place was vacant. They have heard of these pricks - they did not want to be in a fanfiction.

    Everyone hopped out of the carriage.

    Garrett tripped out and fell on his face. But he was just trying to get attention, so everyone ignored his bleeding and whining. Typical Garret.

    They looked at their next, and final, stop for the year.

    The abandoned mine was dark and dreary looking. The caravan couldn't even imagine what it would look like inside.

    A dark and dreary, abandoned mine, they just described it.

    "Are we all ready?" asked Sam. Everyone checked their pockets and nodded.

    However, they forgot to check their hammerspace. Little did they know, all their weapons were replaced with awkwardly shaped sticks.

    I have no idea why I’m obsessed with awkwardly shaped sticks, but hell, I'm going to make that a running gag.


    "Well then, let's go!" shouted Mika. She raced into the mine and everyone else followed behind the running Selkie.

    00000000000000000

    "Whoa…," said Ray, as he looked on in awe.

    Ray: I just realized I’m female.

    The others remained silent, but Ray's "Whoa" summed up all their responses to the inside of the mine.

    The cavern was covered in a warm, dim light caused by lanterns with bombs inside.

    How did that pass safety inspection?

    They saw abandoned mine carts all around, some broken and some still complete.

    Some were mine cart ghosts, some were filled with alcohol, some were on fire...

    They could hear a distant clang of metal, and they could feel the heat from within. All of it was intimidating, but also fascinating.

    Hey dudes, I just realized, everything here is out to kill us. Cool, amirite?

    They began to move forward.

    "It's amazing that all of this old technology still remains here," said Creston, pointing to the lanterns and the railroads. "I would've expected it all to be broken or obsolete by now. But it still looks like new."

    Don’t be fooled. BP Oil's handiwork is very hard to see through.

    "And so do those," said Star, pointing. The group turned to see two large, muscular green creatures. They wore helmets and had large axes, as well as spears. Above them, a flaming ball-shaped creature floated, its face lit up by a ghastly smile.

    Hey, its smiling! It must be friendly!

    "Orcs…," muttered Sam.

    "And a bomb," added Nieta



    The orcs glanced over at the sound of voices. The bomb perked up as well, and its grin seemed to widen. The orcs let out low, gurgling chuckles and started to run towards the eight caravanners, running along the railroad tracks.

    Ray glanced at a mine cart, still on the tracks, and had an idea. He stepped over to the cart, raised his foot and kicked it. The car flew towards the oncoming monsters, and ran into one of the orcs. It let out a loud grunt and was knocked back by the car. The car kept moving as if it hadn't even hit anything.

    Ray is overpowered.

    Both the travelers and the monsters stopped and watched the spectacle for a moment. Then they all remembered that they were supposed to be fighting.

    HURPADUR WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING!
    Why, I wonder.


    With a battle cry, the orc and bomb continued their march towards them.

    It was quite hard for the bomb to march - it had no feet.

    Star ran forward and struck the orc a glancing blow. She tried again, but the orc blocked it with its shield.

    "Girl weak," the orc rumbled, letting out a low noise which might have been a laugh.

    SEXISM AIN'T FUNNY

    It swung down its axe and Star barely managed to block it in time. Star felt herself being pushed back by the orc.

    Such strength, she thought. It's keeping me down with just one arm.

    Star: Oh my, I’d hate to say it, but I’m getting turned on.

    These guys are way tougher than the other baddies we've faced so far.

    Yeah, like those tiny worms we fought before. Those things could knock you to the moon and back with ease. This thing...jeez, its barely moving me and my fat ass, but still!

    The orc then let out a gasping growl. It fell over. Star looked up and found Mika there.

    "Guh…cheap shot," gasped out the orc with its last breath. It let out another growl and then died.

    "Tough luck," said Mika. "You obviously don't know us Selkies well enough."

    Judging by Ray and Mika, you’re all arrogant and overpowered assholes. I don’t blame the orc for not trying to get acquainted with your kind.

    Meanwhile, Nieta was stabbing at the bomb furiously with her spear. It dodged once, then twice, then stopped to make a taunting face at her.



    SHUNK! Nieta impaled the creature on her spear. Its grin never leaving its face, the creature perished still on the spear. Nieta looked at it.

    What would Ackbar say about this?

    "Pesky little thing," she commented.

    Nope

    "Nieta!" shouted Lianora. "No! Get back!"

    "What do you me-," began Nieta, but before she finished, the bomb glowed and exploded in a loud BANG. Flames erupted from the monster's round body. Nieta flew backwards into a wall, before slumping to the ground, moaning in pain.

    Pleasure actually. Crazy masochists.

    Creston ran over. "Are you okay?" he asked, examining her. The youngest caravanner shook her head. Her body was covered with ash and soot, her skin black and red from burns. She was still conscious but was trembling.

    How she isn’t dead when a, quite essentially, a grenade exploded in her face?
    Final Fantasy Logic ftw.


    "Hold on," muttered the Yuke. Focusing, he cleared his mind and concentrated on casting his spell. "Clear."

    The burns and flames vanished.

    That’s mighty convenient.

    Lia ran up to take over.

    "Cure," she said, placing her hand on the girl's forehead. Her hand glowed green for a minute before Nieta shook her head.

    For a minute? Jeez, Lia sucks at magic. Creston could get rid of the flames and burns in mere seconds.

    "Thank Lia," Nieta said. "I feel better now. Those little things aren't called bombs for nothing!"

    "We'll move on when you're ready," said Sam. Nieta looked over at him.

    "I'm fine, let's go!"

    The eight moved on until they came to a room. They saw an exit, guarded by two orcs, but the exit tunnel was covered with boxes. The orcs, on the other hand, did not notice them, but were too busy comparing the sizes of their axes.

    I do that all the time with my friends. They get jealous, Basilisk Axes are win.

    "What do you think they're doing?" asked Mika, raising an eyebrow.

    "They're not exactly bright," said Creston. "I think they're comparing the size of their weapons."

    Shut up Creston, it took you ten years to figure out how to use a ruler. Even now you suck at sig figs.

    "I think that one on the left is saying "Mine's bigger"," said Ray.

    Ray: He’s right, I took a long gander. It was definitely larger

    After he said those words, Garrett let out a snort, and covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing. Mika let out a little laugh too, but managed to turn it into a cough. Creston glanced at Ray in disgust.

    "The innuendo was not needed," said Creston.

    ...shut your face, author.

    The orcs noticed all the noise, then turned and started charging down across the room towards them.

    Garrett saw the mine cart. An idea formed in his head.

    Garrett thinks. I just love oxymorons.

    He hopped in the mine cart, trying to ignore the orc from before's dead body.

    "Ray! Come kick this thing for me!" he shouted. Ray glanced at him, then jogged over.

    Get over here, you overpowered asshole!

    Ray kicked the cart, and Garrett raced down the tracks, toward the oncoming orcs. He stuck out his spear and cut off one of their heads.

    The other one checked - his comrade’s axe was bigger. He tried to commit seppuku. He failed.

    "WOO HOO!" he shouted, punching the air. Then he noticed the stack of crates blocking the exit of the cavern.

    Please be labeled TNT. Please

    The Lilty braced himself, but the cart destroyed the crates and continued into the next room.

    Curses.

    Meanwhile, the other orc ran up to Lia. She held up her staff and cast a spell.

    The orc looked around, wondering what was going to happen. Then, the ceiling above him collapsed from Lia's gravity spell, crushing the poor orc under its weight.

    Yeah, it just wanted to discuss literature, then you went and dropped a shitload of rocks on him. Classy, Lianora. Real classy.

    Everyone rushed to the next room. They found two orcs and another creature attacking Garrett, who was blocking them, but not doing a good job.

    Obviously he was not doing a good job, he was Garrett

    The new monster was very menacing in appearance. It had a long scraggly mane, and dark red skin. It wore simple, ripped clothes, and had large tusks, as well as small beady eyes. It carried a hammer in its hand. It was an ogre.

    Though if it didn’t have a hammer in its hand, its secret identity would be revealed: In its spare time, it enjoyed being a soccer mom.

    "Guys! I COULD USE A LIL' HELP HERE!" shouted Garrett. Sam ran forward and stabbed furiously at one of the orcs. It managed to block his blow, and swung its axe in retaliation. Sam blocked it with his own shield, and stabbed the orc in the ribs.And let out a howl of pain, and keeled over, clutching its side.

    Yawn

    Mika fought the second orc, whacking him swift and quickly. She eventually drove the creature into a corner. She looked up and saw a lamp above the monster, and shot an aura blast at it. The lamp fell down and the creature caught on fire, burning to death.

    An ‘aura blast’? What, not a projectile? What is this bullshit?

    Ray and Nieta were fighting the ogre. Ray managed to hit it in the back twice, before the creature whacked him away. Ray tumbled across the tracks and bumped into the mine cart. The mine cart rolled along at the force of the collision, and smashed through another stack of crates, revealing a new doorway.

    Ray is overpowered, but he sucks ass at fighting. I guess that makes him a balanced character.

    "Pests," rumbled the ogre. "Punished." He swung his hammer at Nieta, who ducked and hit him in the legs. The ogre fell on his back, and Star leaped in the air and stabbed the beast in the chest. The ogre roared in fury, before he let out a choking cough and died.

    Everyone met at the center of the room.

    "Damn thing," said Ray, glancing at the dead ogre. "He can't even make a sentence with more than one word, and he STILL can beat the shit out of me."

    "Well he's dead now," said Creston. "Let's move on."

    They entered the next room. They were met by a large curving track, as well as 3 orcs, a bomb, and an ogre.

    The large curving track was easily the most lethal of the six enemies there. How it attacked, though, is beyond me.

    "ATTACK!" roared the ogre. The bombs flew forward.

    There was only one bomb, dumbass

    Mika and Ray glanced at each other, nodded, and launched aura blasts at the creatures. The bombs flew backwards into two of the orcs and exploded.

    Figures. That always happens in TF2, one person just has to rambo it and screw everyone else over. Ever stop to think why its called Team Fortress 2?

    The orcs flew backwards, and hit the wall, both hitting the ground with a painful "thud".

    The ogre ran forward, but Sam and Creston were ready for it. Sam cast a haste spell on Creston, who used Blizzaga on the monster before it could come close. After Sam got over the aftereffects of the spell,

    Quite quickly, actually. He was used to tripping out with LSD. Casting spells? No biggie.

    ...he ran up and stabbed the creature through the ice. It didn't cry out, but Sam could tell by the way it twitched in the ice that it was dead.

    Sam could always tell if something was photoshopped. There’s always evidence in the pixels.

    As its body was consumed by miasma, a key fell out of it.

    Another strange skeletal structure - how the hell are squirrels and ogres related?

    Creston picked it up. He glanced around and found a door. He placed the key in the lock, and the door opened.

    I'd love to see a game were the door is actually open the whole time, and when you insert the key into the lock, you're screwed.

    Meanwhile, the last orc, who seemed to be very young, looked scared stiff. He threw down his weapon and ran away, but Nieta hurled her spear at it. The weapon pierced through the orc and stuck itself in a wall, the orc still hanging on it, its fear still on its lifeless face.

    Then it turned into a taunting face and exploded. Nieta just has all the luck in the world

    Nieta retrieved her spear and looked at it sadly. This orc child was afraid to fight. Maybe not all monsters were as violent as they seemed.

    About time you realized this. Search his body, he’s bound to have a piece of literature on him.

    Leaving the corpse behind,

    Insensitive pricks

    ...Nieta and the others advanced deeper into the mine.

    0000000000000000000

    "And here I thought this place couldn't get any stranger," said Garrett, looking down uneasily.

    "Strange? I think it's beautiful," said Lianora.

    Dur, so purty

    They had left the room before, and were now walking over a bunch of metal walkways, hanging over a river. It was dark, as they were still in the mine, but they couldn't see the ceiling, so when they looked up the top of the mine looked like the sky a bit.

    As they moved on, they saw another exit to this area. Two orcs and a bomb guarded it. They turned at the sight of the caravanners.

    "What!" exclaimed one. "How? Other orcs guard room. How you get past?"

    "They must cheated," growled the other one.



    "We must revenge." The bomb cackled wildly.

    Nah, those pricks from that room were a bunch or pricks. We should rewards these pricks who killed those pricks instead.

    The second orc ran forward, swing his sinister axe over his head. The bomb rushed towards them as well, but the last orc remained where he was.

    Last Orc: I think'll I eat a stick of butter now.

    He raised his weapon in the air, and started making low grunting noises.

    Oddly, they all sounded like: “Garrett Sucks”

    Creston tensed in alarm. "Watch out! That one's a magic user!"

    Too late. As Sam rushed forward to attack the oncoming enemies, a thunder bolt struck him, and he couldn't move.

    He suddenly realized what the fortuneteller meant: The love of his live would make him thunderstruck.

    Sam then ragequitted life.


    The chuckles of the orcs mixed with the screeching howls of the bomb. Mika glared at the flaming creature.

    She tried to focus her bitch powers and pull a cyclops.

    She swung her racket and knocked the thing into a wall. It's laughter ceased, and it fell down into the river below, exploding as it hit the rushing water.

    The first orc was getting ready to attack Sam, when Star sliced off its arms.

    Jeez, Star, learn to wait your turn.

    The orc let out a painful howl, and fell to the ground. Garrett ran over and finished it off.

    Star: Damn killstealer

    As the mage tried to cast a spell on all three of them, Creston ran over to the orc and struck him with his hammer, and followed up with a fire spell to finish it off. As the final guard died, everyone stopped to rest. Garrett fell over on his back.

    "Why do I feel so weak?" he asked.

    "When you went flying on the mine cart, you left the chalice's barrier," said Creston. "Like Ray and Mika in the Mushroom Forest. So you're going to run out of steam quicker."

    "Alright everyone," said Lia. "Come to me or Creston for a Cure spell. After everyone's better, we'll move on."

    And by ‘cure spell’...well, you know what I mean.

    Get your mind out of the gutter.


    As soon as everyone was completely healed, they looked at the entrance to a new cavern. They could all sense the myrrh tree's presence. Everyone nodded and they all moved forward.

    00000000000000000000

    MUAHAHAHA! CLIFFHANGER! I divided this chapter up, like I said, because I don't have time to write the rest at the moment X_X. HOWEVER! I SHALL COMPLETE…Eventually.

    I still swear this author is female.

    Favorite parts in this: Breakfast time, Garrett chopping off heads, Ray's innuendo, and the part where Nieta gets bomb'd.

    Ray: I just realized I’m male. CURSES.

    Next Chapter: The gang faces against the mighty Orc King! Will they survive? Or will they never see home again?

    No. I wish.
    Well, about their homes...well, lets just say Smokey the bear is very disappointed in you.

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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:47 am

    8. A Burning Battle: Tipa Caravan vs the Orc King

    Spoiler:


    Finally! THE WAIT IS OVER! THE CLIMAX OF THE FIRST YEAR!

    That's right people, it took us a year to reach our first climax.

    The caravan gang shall face off against the mighty Orc King!

    Sounds like a cool guy.

    Who also gives a history lesson. Very Happy

    I hope he dies violently.

    Now is the time to point out something; my characters are actually going to kill the bosses (yes this a spoiler- Orc King dies).

    Hopefully he dies in a massive explosion. And dies in fire.

    Not all of them. Just the official ones (for example, the Orc King and Armstrong are official, but the Marlboro and the Cave Worm aren't- they're just ordinary monsters). So basically, the caravanners are never really going to return to the Mine.

    Cause y'know, getting the drops from a dungeon we already cleared is the noob way. This caravan is pro only. Well, pro excluding Garrett.

    Also, I'm giving the bosses some personality as well (the way I would see them, at least).

    In other words, all chaotic evil.

    Let's get started, shall we?

    000000000000000000000000

    The team stepped into a cavern.

    Go Team Prick!

    The walls were lit up by the makeshift lanterns.

    The kind you find at Walmart.

    A doorway stood ahead, and even from the distance they were at, everyone could see the blue glow of the myrrh tree.

    Blue light specials everybody!

    "Well, that was easy," said Garrett, striding towards the doorway with a confident stride.

    ...Ackbar would say...

    "That's it; we're jinxed," said Creston, smacking his head in frustration.

    You suck, Creston.

    "What's that supposed to mean?" asked Garrett, but before Creston could make a stinging retort, a rumble echoed around the cavern. As everyone lost their balance for a bit, an enormous creature dropped down from above.

    Damn rafters are crawling with gigantic creatures!

    It was an orc, a gigantic orc. Its skin was reddish orange, and it had bright, bright eyes. It wore a helmet with spikes and battle armor. Its teeth were long and sharp looking, and in one hand it held an axe. In the other hand was a large staff.

    Typical clerk at Walmart.

    Creston shot Garrett an "I told you so" look.

    "Holy crap," said Ray.

    I just realized I’m a Clavat

    "What is that thing?" asked Star.

    "Thing?" roared the monster.

    You mean Thang of course. But definitely not Thong. That guy is an asshole.

    "Fools! I am mighty Orc King!"

    "Yeah, well…you still speak in fragments like all the other orcs," pointed out Mika bluntly. "What makes you so mighty?"

    I got large staff, compensates everything!

    "Hmmph," growled the Orc King, his accented voice low and gravelly. "For your information, I speak in that manner because most orcs don't understand big words. Also, using complete sentences makes things take longer. But you shouldn't just assume that I have a speech impediment."

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IS SERIOUS ISSUE.

    "Point taken," said Mika.

    "As for mightiness," continued the king, returning to his orc speech pattern. "I largest orc of all. I rule mine with iron fist! And I guard tree."

    He'd lose to the TF2 heavy.


    "Well, we need the tree," said Sam. "So can we make a deal? We'll take the myrrh and go."

    Sam is Howie Mandel

    "Deal?" said the orc incredulously, letting out a rumbling laugh afterward. "Farming-fool. You come in my mine, kill all my troops, and you want deal? That so stupid, it's funny! But even so, I don't make deal or give you tree."

    No deal.

    "Why do the monsters guard the stinkin' tree anyway?" asked Garrett hotly.

    It would be a shitty RPG with nothing to fight, dumbass.

    The Orc King turned his gaze towards him. "We need tree as much as you do, grass-head."

    Garrett then started crying and fondled his do. It didn't look like grass, did it?

    Nieta drew her weapon. "Doesn't matter…we need the tree, too! And we'll take what we need."

    Stfu, you insensitive bitch. Go get bombed again.

    "Well, you are free to take myrrh," said the monster. "If can." The monster leaped down in the center of the battlefield, brandishing his weapons. "Farming-fools, grass-heads, mask-mages, and thief-hearts. No matter what tribe you from, I kill all! You may have beaten Giant Crab and Marlboro plant, but they fools, unlike me!"

    Arrogant and evil. Such thought out character qualities.

    "Wait…how do you know them?" asked Lia, shocked.

    "We met," said the king. "But not by travel. Another allow mighty monsters to meet."

    "What do you mean?" demanded Lianora.

    Lia/Lianora consistency is nice.

    "It no matter. You die anyway," the Orc King said.

    The Orc King let out a deafening battle cry, and he ran forward, two smaller orcs joining him in his onslaught.

    Those two orcs are all of his army. Pretty pathetic king, I say.

    He swung his axe in a wide arc that managed to knock everyone who was hit back.

    He barely managed to move Star and her gigantic fat ass, but still, moving her just a centimeter is definitely a big deal

    The wind caused by the swing blew all the others away from the battling king.

    "Shoot! Be careful, guys!" shouted Sam.

    OH FUCK SHIT JUST GOT FUCKING REAL, SAM SAID SHIT-
    oh, nevermind, he's still an overpowered pushover that doesn't swear.


    "That no stop me!" shouted the king.

    One of the orcs ran forward, swinging his axe at Sam. Sam ducked from the blow, and swung his sword at the orc's legs. The orc's legs were severed, and he fell over, howling in agony. Sam finished the creature off, then turned his attention back to the Orc King.

    Overpowered pushover, I say.

    "Sam!" shouted Creston. "Watch out!" Sam glanced below and saw a red fiery targeting ring beneath him.

    Orc King: OH CRAP GET OUT I ACCIDENTALLY USED A CURE SPELL.

    Sam leaped out of the ring, as the King swung his club and the ring burst into flames.

    Ork Cing: Aw, that never works...

    "He knows magic…he's strong in both physical strength and magical strength," muttered Lia, glancing up at the monster. Meanwhile, Creston was now dealing with the other orc. The creature charged toward him. Creston held up his arms, muttered some words, and a Blizzaga spell struck the creature down. It let out a long, low groan before it fell to its knees and died.

    "Grrr…more of my men taken out," snarled the Orc King. "Now this personal!"

    The Orc King ran toward the nearest caravanner, which happened to be Star. He swung his axe down at her. Star held up her shield, but the King knocked it aside easily. He then swung his club and struck Star across the face, sending her sprawling across the room.

    Shouldn't Star be crushed from the axe blow and be killed by the club's bitchslap?
    Oh wait, I forgot her fatass shield.


    "Star!" shouted Sam.

    I lubs u Rats! I maen Star!

    "She'll be fine; focus on this guy!" shouted Ray. Ray rolled behind the giant orc and aimed an aura blast at him. The King was hit directly in the lower back.

    Fortunately for the King, it wasn't a projectile. I mean, that would have torn him a new asshole.

    "Gah!" the King roared, but before he had time to react, Nieta ran up and slashed him across the stomach. Dark green blood poured out of the wound, as the Orc King let out a loud, painful roar. He knocked Nieta back, as Ray continued to aim blasts at him. The Orc King swung his weapons wildly in irritation and aggravation.

    Why is Rat using blasts? Jeez, everyone knows that projectiles are the shit.

    "Graaaaagh….SCUM!" roared the King. The King swung his club and hit Ray with a fire blast. Ray cringed for just a moment, and that was all the time the King needed. He swung his axe and knocked Ray right up into the ceiling of the cavern.

    But Ray didn't get cut, due to his fauxbaddass shield.

    "Ugh…scum…he's one to talk," Ray managed to gasp out, as he fell down.

    "Someone get him!" yelled Creston. Mika hopped over and caught the male Selkie before he hit the ground. Ray grinned up at her.

    "Alright; we're even for the Marr's Pass dilemma," he joked, making a reference to the flirtatious boys of the Blacksmithing city.

    DUR WHAT FLIRTATIOUS BOYS!? US READERS CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TWO CHAPTERS AGO. ALL BOW DOWN TO THE GENIUS AUTHOR!

    Mika rolled her eyes, and helped him to his feet.

    "Sheesh, is there ever a time when you're serious?" she asked sarcastically.

    Why so joky, you joking joke-making...jokster!?

    "Believe it or not, right now!" Ray said, pushing Mika suddenly. At the same time, the Orc King's axe struck the ground right where the Selkies once were.

    And specifically, for comedic effect, where Rat's crotch was.

    "Now you owe me again," teased Ray, before rushing back into the fray.

    Meanwhile, the others were slowly bringing the ferocious warrior king down. Creston dodged a fire blast and launched a Blizzaga at the King, who roared in pain.

    Creston is abusing his Blizzaga again. Someone ought to cut his drug supply.

    At the same time, Garrett ran up with Star, and both of them stabbed the Orc King, one in the stomach, and one in the shoulder.

    "Gurgh…," muttered the King, panting. "Not bad. Hardest battle I fight in while. But now…time to finish. Here my trump card!"

    Cough, trap card, cough.

    The orc king began to glow with a bright golden-yellow light. As the warriors struck him, he didn't seem to notice. His face lit up with a disgusting, toothy smile.

    He must be related to the bombs from last chapter. Time for Nieta to gtfo.

    Creston and Lianora watched from afar while casting spells.

    "What could he be up to?" asked Lia out loud. Meanwhile, the gears in Creston's brain were turning as he tried to figure out the evil King's strategy. He sensed the golden aura of light that surrounded the King.

    Everything clicked.

    He left the iron on at home.

    "EVERYONE! GET AWAY FROM HIM!" shouted Creston in alarm at the top of his voice.

    Everyone turned to face the Yuke. "Why?" asked Garrett. Creston smacked his head. Why did the headstrong Lilty always have to ask questions at inappropriate times?

    Why so stupid, Garrett?

    "I recognize this aura!" shouted Creston. "It's extremely similar to the magic of the bombs when they are almost at their limit!"

    Cool, he’s related to the bombs!

    Lia gasped in realization. "You're right! He's using the same desperation move as the bombs; he's almost reached his limit, so he's going to blow himself up- bringing us down with him!"



    Explosion, yeus! My wishes will be answered!

    "It doesn't matter!" shouted the King, grinning with a crazed smile, as the glowing light grew more radiant. "If you spent more time attacking me, you might been able to kill me before I exploded. But it too late now! I going down- and you go down with me!"

    In other words, silly, stupid Creston. I knew that you would think that I would think that I would think that you would think that I would think that you would think that I would think that...

    "Everyone! Move to a corner of the cavern. Stay as far away as possible!" shouted Sam.

    Especially you, Nieta.

    Everyone set off blindly toward the corners of the room, not being able to see because of the light. Soon, the only thing visible was the shining light in the center of the room.

    You're supposed to go towards the light, dumbasses.

    The Orc King was trembling and shaking violently, and he growled, that kept growing louder with each passing second. Finally, he let out a roar, and the room was lit up by a fiery explosion. Everyone covered their eyes. The flash went on for a good 30 seconds.

    And then finally, the brilliant light dimmed.

    Star strained her eyes. Dust floated around the room, lift up by the force of the explosion.

    lul, what verb tense?

    She then saw the Orc King, covered in soot and burns from head to toe. He was letting out rasping breaths and gasps.

    So much for him exploding.

    They both met eyes.

    "W-what….?" He gasped out. "You…survived? But…that means I…f-failed…but…it over."

    Yes, you failed at dying gloriously. How dare you not end this story sooner.

    He let out a final, scratchy cough and fell over on his back. A choking, gurgling cry rose from his throat, then died, along with king of all orcs. He didn't get up, and slowly, his body began to be consumed by miasma.

    Miasma: Om nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

    "We…we did it!" yelled Star. The dust floating around finally settled.

    "That's nice…," muttered Garrett next to her, scratching his hair tuft.

    Garrett: My hair got dust in it, it'll take hours of fondling to get it all out...OH WELL Very Happy

    "Any injuries?" called Star.

    Nieta waved to them from another corner. "I'm okay!

    Damn.

    Sam, emerged from another corner. "I'm here with Creston and Lia. We seem to be okay!"

    Curses!

    Then Star noticed something…Creston was holding Lia in the corner. They were both conscious but they hadn't seemed to notice.

    Oh, sexual tension!?

    Lia perked up. "Oh, uh! Creston, I think we're okay now!" she said. Creston noticed where Lia was.

    "Oh sorry. I noticed you tripped, so I picked you up on the way," explained Creston.

    "Smooth," muttered Garrett. "No one would ever suspect Mr. Honor and Chivalry to ever do anything indecent."

    I agree Garrett. Don Quixote would be proud of Creston. Garrett though, that's a laugh.

    "Guys! You okay?" came Mika's voice. Everyone turned to see her. She was waving toward them.

    It took her forever to find them, even though she was in the same room as them.

    Everyone just stared.

    Moar Sexual tension?

    "Have you guys seen bandanna boy?" she asked. "I saw him running towards me but I don't know what happened."

    Explosion orc must've got him. Hallelujah!

    No answer, but Garrett smiled, which turned to a smirk, which turned to a wide grin as he let out a weak laugh and slapped his forehead.

    Then he exploded - Nieta was standing next to him.

    Mika looked around in confusion. Then Garrett, still snickering, pointed down. Mika looked down.

    Her eyes met Ray's as she realized that the elusive Selkie was literally right beneath her nose. His grin matched Garrett's.

    Curses, he's still alive.

    Mika got set to get up and ignore the situation.

    "Hey, don't move, I kinda like this position," said Ray, smirking and leaning up to her.Mika blushed, in both embarrassment and fury.

    Bitch powers, activate.

    WHAM!

    Bitch powers make awesome sound affects.

    Mika punched Ray right in the eye, knocking his head into the rocky ground. Mika got up and dusted herself off, and marched off towards the others.

    What, no crotch shot? Mika is losing her touch.

    Ray followed at a distance, with a black eye, but he still had a grin on his face. He flashed Garrett a thumbs up.

    Us hair fondlers gotta stick together, y'know?

    "Are you that happy?" asked Garrett.

    "Nah…I stole her wallet," said Ray, as the group walked toward the myrrh tree.

    But she topped you, she stole your rubber chicken.

    Lia took the chalice from Mog and stared at the myrrh tree.

    She suspected Candid Camera.

    She took a deep breath and stepped forward. The tree glowed and a drop fell down into the chalice.

    Then the tree turned into a bomb. Everyone ragequitted.

    …silence…

    "WOOOOOOO!" shouted Garrett.

    "WE DID IT! WE DID IT!" shouted Star.

    Everyone began jumping around and celebrating in delight. Star and Nieta hugged each other, Lia and Sam high-fived. Garrett punched the air, and even Ray and Mika grinned at each other.

    Mika: Time for a celebratory crotchshot!
    Ray: Yay! OH FU-
    *pain*


    Creston actually lost all of his dignity and jumped around like everyone else.

    He made up for it by punching Garrett in the face. The other caravaners cheered and hoisted him onto their shoulders. A hero for the ages!

    They were done with their first year. They would finally return home.

    They would celebrate with Tim O’Brien and Rat Kiley. Those guys really knew how to tell stories.

    Oh, and they left Ray and Garrett behind. Its the perfect ending!


    0000000000000000000

    FINALLY THE FIRST YEAR IS DONE!

    Indeed.

    The Orc King's little speech will come in later.

    The Orc King lives? Isoconfuzzeled.

    Also, I like how I explained the orcs a little.

    I like the random explosions and Ray’s race confusion.
    I hate the lack of _________ ______ ______


    I imagined the Orc King to have a bit of an ego, and be proud of his strength.

    Next Chapter: THE FESTIVAL! And then, the next year of peace in Tipa.

    Summary of next chapter: Everyone loves the caravaners for a day, then these teens go back to their daily routines of angsting.

    Fun, fun, fun.

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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:48 am

    9. Festivities and Dancing

    Spoiler:
    Well I don't know what to say…I guess that another Chapter is up. Razz

    I know what to say: Oh god, another Chapter. Yay.

    This is going to be a fairly short chapter, as it's only the festival, which usually takes 6-7 minutes at the most.

    This Chapter covers the Festival! Very Happy YAY!

    Yawn.

    000000000000000000000000

    It was night. And it was dark in the village of Tipa.

    It was rebuilt quite fast after that forest fire.

    The village was alight with torches as the families made their way to the center of the village, where the crystal lay.

    Creston was handing Roland the crystal chalice.

    He hoped that Roland wouldn't notice that Ray and Garrett broke off a massive of piece of it for laughs.


    Roland took it and set it on a rock in front of the crystal. Creston took a torch and returned to stand next to the others as they watched Roland perform the ceremony. Roland opened his book and started to speak the magic words.

    "Garrett..."

    Finally, the elderly Clavat waved his hand and spoke one last word.

    "...sucks."
    Jeez, its a short book, but it makes so much sense!


    The Crystal emitted a brilliant light and the myrrh flowed into the Crystal.

    Which then turned into a bomb. Nieta panicked.

    Everyone watched as the chalice was emptied of its contents. When the crystal finally stopped absorbing the myrrh, there was complete silence.

    OH SHIT IT DIDN'T WORK

    The next minute everything changed. Music began to play from a band featuring all four of the tribes. All of the families danced around the glowing crystal, its luminous light brightening up the entire village. The Clavats did their little jig, the Lilties hopped around, the Yukes were twirling gracefully, while the Selkies were doing back flips.

    And Mika gave Ray another crotchshot. Everyone cheered, even Ray.

    Even a few moogles, Stiltzkin included, were present, moving to the tune of the band's music.

    They all were as flat as a prairie. But at least they were in tune with each other.

    Sam was dancing next to Star, their faces bright with smiles after they had returned to their wonderful home. They both weren't the greatest dancers in the world but they were having fun. That's what mattered, right?

    NO DANCING IS EVERYTHING. You suck at dancing, therefore you suck at life.

    Nieta and Mika were at a table eating, hungry after dancing. They ate heartily, enjoying the cheerful atmosphere around them, as they watched adults and kids alike dance joyfully around the crystal.

    These fatasses never stopped eating. I'm surprised Star wasn't with them.

    Lianora, meanwhile, was reading from the diary of the caravan, to some of the younger children.

    She excluded Ray's dick jokes. He'd been reading too much encyclopedia dramatic lately.

    Creston heard the enthusiasm and joy in her voice as he looked on. The children's eyes glowed with wonder as they imagined the thought of goblins, Hell Plants, and Giant Crabs.

    Then Lianora accidently told them one of Ray's dick jokes. The children's eyes glowed ever brighter. Little pervs.

    Creston turned and walked up to the cliff of the town that hung over the ocean. He wasn't really a party person.

    Garrett and Ray were both dancing and singing loudly. Mika wondered why they were both so cheerful, until she realized they were drunk.

    [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avYBuijHPBI[/video]

    She stomped over with Nieta and yanked both boys away from the glowing crystal.

    Throw them off the cliff, please.

    "Just because it's a party doesn't mean you're allowed to drink underage!" shouted Nieta.

    UNDERAGE DRINKING IS SERIOUS ISSUE

    "Well, your younger siblings don't seem to mind that rule so much," said Ray matter-of-factly.

    Silly Mika, rules are 4 tools!

    Nieta and Mika whipped their heads around to see Mika's younger brother and Nieta's younger sister reaching for some bottles on a table. The two girls rushed over.

    "You're not old enough to drink!" scolded Mika.

    "But I've only had two!" protested her brother. Mika smacked her forehead in frustration.

    She has had only two.
    Thousand.
    Cases.


    0000000000000000000000

    Creston sat at the top of the cliff, watching the ocean, still listening to the joyful shouts from back down at the party.

    They were so glad he left. He really was an angstastic downer.

    The others hadn't realized it, but actually, they had only about 2 weeks left before they would've ran out of time.

    It's been one week since you looked at me
    Cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry
    Five days since you laughed at me saying
    Get that together come back and see me
    Three days since the living room
    I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you
    Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
    But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry.


    And 2 weeks wasn't a long time. If they hadn't returned soon, their town would've become just like Tida.

    OMG TIDA AGAIN OMG

    "We have to work harder next time," Creston murmured. "The village needs us to protect them."

    A Lilty was down by the mill, getting some bread to bring up to the party. He scratched his head for a moment, but then he heard a noise behind him. He turned and found another Lilty younger than him, giving him a hot glare.

    U mad kid?
    NO TRANSISTION EFFECT Dx !?


    "What do you want, son?" asked the first Lilty gruffly. "Unless you want to help me carry these up. An old man like me can't do it on his own."

    Garrett, help someone? Damn, this guy is funny.

    "An old man who was a warrior could've," came Garrett's retort.

    Garrett still butthurt about this. Well, at least he's consistent.

    "How many times have I told you, I'm a miller and it's staying that way," said Garrett's father sighing. They used to always have this argument.

    It usually ended with Garrett crying on the floor in a ball, fondling his stupid hair.

    "Nice badge, dad," said Garrett, his eyes smoldering. "Who gave it to you? The commander of your forces, or who?"

    Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps I should hire Garrett to replace Watson. He can clearly see things that are elementary.

    Garrett's father sighed again.

    Sigh, indeed.

    He knew this day would come eventually.

    Yeah, mondays suck.

    "So, dad," said Garrett, pacing slowly. "I thought that badge was only given to men in the army, and the golden color symbolizes a great warrior. But I don't see a great warrior in front of me. Only a dumb miller."

    A dumb miller that could kick your ass to the moon and back. Now stfu and help me. Oh, and your hair sucks.

    "A miller that WAS a warrior, and a miller that could beat your ass," came the reply.

    Which isn't saying much, its Garrett.

    "How could you just…LIE TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE!" shouted Garrett, his voice rising.

    It gets worse, I'm not your father. I killed your father, [s]Inigo Montoya[/s] Garrett, what say you to that?

    "You could've been awesome, but now look at you! You threw it all away, damnit!"

    Believe you me, I'd rather still be in the army than listen to you.

    "It was for a good reason!" his father shouted back.

    "What reason then?" Garrett snarled.

    "You," came the one word answer.

    LETS TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS~~~

    "What about me?" said Garrett, too shocked to yell.

    Garrett's father wiped his forehead, and began to explain. "Times were hard back then, Garrett. Families were poor. And we weren't fighting monsters. We were fighting other tribes. If you were alive back then, you could've been fighting Ray, or Lianora for all you know."

    That would've been more interesting.

    Garrett gulped a little, uneasily. He hadn't thought of it like that.

    "As I said, times were tough, and we weren't doing well. Your mom and I weren't wealthy, and she had a kid to take care of. But then well…something happened."

    I screwed up big time.

    "What happened?" asked Garrett.

    You happened, you stupid mistake.

    "She got pregnant with you," said his father. "And then I realized that she could never survive on her own with two kids. So I left the army to return home. Instead of protecting the Lilties, I decided to protect my own children instead…and the commander recognized that importance, and THAT'S why he gave me the badge. Not because of my fighting skills. But of my honor and duty to protect my family. He understood, and from that day on, I spent my days being a miller, but watching you and your brother grow up at the same time."

    Not as awesome as Cobalt guessed, but eh.

    Garrett was too shocked to speak. He tried to form words but they didn't come out right. Soon he found his voice again.

    Cool story pa

    "Th…that's the reason?" asked Garrett. "Because of…me…?" His father nodded.

    Garrett. Omg, liek, how flattering. Pardon me while I fondle my hair.

    Garrett walked past him. He leaned against his house. Then he spoke once more.

    "I…I get it now…thanks, Dad, for telling me," said Garrett.

    "No problem, kiddo," said his dad. "You've made me proud, that's for sure."

    So much for me liking Garret’s dad.

    He reached for the bread.

    Garrett got up and walked over. "I'll help you with the bread."

    The two smiled at each other. "That's my boy," said his father.

    Oh, and your hairs sucks. Seriously kid.

    00000000000000000000000000000

    Meanwhile, Sam and Star were dancing together still. Everyone else had stopped and was watching the two still going.

    Needless to say, they were laughing at this stupid couple dancing for no reason. The music ended hours ago.

    Nieta ran over. "Can I join you guys?"

    Just don’t turn into a bomb. Honestly.

    "Sure!" said Sam. Nieta joined in the dance as well. Ray and Mika, who were eating, saw them and rushed over.

    "Can't have a party without us," said Ray.

    Well, arrogant ass is here, party’s over.

    "Hey, Ray…dance with me," said Mika.

    Time for a crotchshot!?

    Ray looked at her incredulously.

    She must’ve been drinking.

    "Okay," he said, smirking.

    Ray takes advantage of drunk bitches. Classy, Ray.

    He walked towards her, and she put her arms on his waist.

    NOT THAT KIND OF CROTCHSHOT.

    "Hey Ray…," Mika began.

    OH GOD NO.

    "Hmmm?"

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NO!

    Mika held up her wallet in her hand, smirking.

    [color=#FF0000]Oh, phew.

    In the other hand she held a striped apple. "Nice try."

    Oh, she stole his apples too.
    Nice symbolism, DA.


    She went back to join the others dancing. Ray smacked his forehead, both in disbelief and humor.

    I SUCK AT STEALING

    "Damn she's good," he said, before running over to join the others. He noticed Lianora had joined them as well.

    Quitely, like the awkward boy she was.

    Garrett appeared walking up towards the village with his dad, helping him. The Lilty warrior looked like he was in a considerably better mood than before.

    Mika: Garrett is smiling!? What the fuck are you up to, Ray?

    He looked at his dad, who nodded and took the bread from his hands, then gestured for him to go join the others. Garrett came over and joined them all.

    Creston appeared walking down the slope, stretching.

    Creston: “Well, I just buried the bodies of the caravaners, this’ll make the next trip easier."

    Lia caught sight of him. "Creston! Come on, join us!" she said. Creston shook his head.

    Creston: “What!? I was sure I killed all you before I buried you. I call hax."

    "I don't dance," he said. Lianora went over and grabbed him by the arm.

    "Neither do I, so we're going to learn!" she said, dragging him towards the group.

    Well this is going to be disastrous.

    All eight of the caravanners were now dancing in front of the crystal (even though Creston was doing so halfheartedly). As they danced under the stars, illuminated by the crystal, they forgot all the hardships they had gone through and celebrated joyfully. However, they hadn't realized it.

    Their journey had only just begun.

    But they didn't have to worry about that now. All they had to do was enjoy themselves, as the crystal glowed beneath the moonlit sky.

    00000000000000000000000000000

    First year done! WOO!

    Yay. I guess.

    I think this chapter was good chapter. Note that this is probably one of the few festival chapters I'll do.

    Garrett and his father have made up now. I think Garrett's character has been developed well enough for a bit.

    Yeah, he sucks. Let’s never involve him in the plot again.

    A little spoiler: Next character to have a character development chapter is Nieta. First of all, no, I am not Lilty biased.

    RACISM IS SERIOUS ISSUERAC

    But the two "Lilty villages" are the first two you go to. So Nieta will develop in Alfitaria, while Garrett in Marr's Pass (because it's a blacksmithing town, and blacksmiths are important to warriors). Also, I might do two characters in one chapter. Also, don't think "character chapters" will only occur in cities. Sam, Lia, and Ray are not going to have their character chapter in a village.

    Tea Rage at their-
    WOAH WAIT, HOLY SHIT.
    nevermind


    I know some stuff isn't accurate in this, but I tried to change it a bit (such as all eight of the caravanners holding torches, but only four hold them in the game).

    And no, none of them are couples yet.

    YET

    Next Chapter: Leaving the village again. But a startling discovery is made…

    Ray: I’m actually a moogle!? What is this bullshit!?

    Nieta: And now it's my turn! Uh…review everybody! Do it! Do it now!

    Nieta is Arnold Schwarzenegger
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:48 am

    10. The Grand Scheme of Things

    Spoiler:
    New Chapter time, woo! This is basically going to be the time right before the group is set to leave the village again. However, Garrett, Creston, and Lianora discover a new threat in the Tipa Peninsula: Goblin Wall.

    Note: This is basically going to skip over the caravan's inactive year, but I might not always do that. Just for your information.

    So, Nieta's legal now. Keep Garrett away.

    ON WITH THE SHOW~

    Garrett took his weapon from the Yuke's hands. "Thanks, Lia!"

    Well, that was abrupt

    Lia smiled at him behind her armor. Garrett had been coming to her every week for the past year, getting his weapon checked or sharpened. Instead of pointing out the fact that they were on break and his weapon didn't need to be sharpened, the kind Yuke just humored the Lilty and did as he asked without protest.

    This lady doth protest too much-
    nevermind.


    Garrett, Lia, and Creston were all riding in the caravan together, going on a test ride.

    They made sure it wasn't a Toyota.

    It would only be two more days before the caravan of Tipa left again in its journey to collect myrrh. But for now, they could just enjoy their little ride.

    On route 66.

    Creston sat at the front with the reins in his hand. Soon they would be leaving again.

    He couldn’t wait to get to Las Vegas.

    "The years go by fast," he said. He stared out at the expanse of land before him. He could see the ocean in the distance, across the grassy meadows and fields. Trees littered the area, here and there. He could faintly see River Belle Path in the distance as well. Warm memories of the first year filled his head.

    Ray's many crotchshots. Good times, good times.

    Suddenly, however, Creston caught sight of something different, something that had not existed the previous year.

    The circus had arrived, bishes!

    He turned the caravan and started to head towards it. He squinted at it. Finally, he noticed something; something bad.

    His ex-girlfriend, who looked like a boyfriend, that Mika had in the February of last year, wanted to kick ass and chew bubble gum. His girlfriend was out of bubble gum.

    He took in a sharp breath.

    "Lia! Garrett! Get out here!"

    Protect me from le bish!

    Shock. That was the feeling as Creston, Lia, and Garrett stared at their new discovery.

    "Whoa," said Garrett.

    "Unbelievable," agreed Lia, her voice shaking. "To think monsters could do this…"

    "We have to go back and warn the village," said Creston darkly. "They need to hear about this…"

    "I win again," said Ray, grinning deviously.

    Well, that was abrupt

    Sam sighed. The Selkie was way too good at this game. Sam, Ray, and Star were all playing Go Fish.
    What, not strip poker?

    And so far, Sam had two pairs, Star had five, and Ray had 13. Of course, neither of the Clavats knew that the necklace Sam was wearing reflected his cards towards Ray, nor did Star know that she was "bleeding" (a.k.a, showing all of her cards to Ray by accident).

    But Ray doesn't cheat. All skill, baby.

    They had invited Nieta and Mika to play, but Mika was too busy doing chores, and Nieta was eating. So the two Clavats and the Selkie decided to play a good round of cards before they returned to their journey.

    Sam would've prefered more girls for strip poker, but eh.

    Of course, if it had been Sam's choice, he wouldn't have invited Ray, seeing as this was a good opportunity to get to know Star more...

    Interpret this as you will

    ...(without the Selkie's antics). Sam had been trying to spend his time equally with all of the caravanners, but he found most of his time to be spent with Lia and Star. Not that he didn't like the others; it's just how things went down.

    In other words, he hated the others.

    Ray was about to ask if Star had another six, when his sharp hearing alerted him of the caravan returning. In a rush. Creston wasn't the kind of person to go over the speed limit.

    Who would enforce speed limits on a monster-drawn carriage? And for that matter, how, isn’t the world covered in miasma?

    He hopped out of his chair, signaling for Sam and Star to follow,

    With the flying bird of happiness.

    ...and he ran down to the entrance of the village, the Clavats at his heels.

    But Ray stayed behind.

    Nieta was already down there, as the Tipa caravan rushed into the village, screeching to a halt. Families gathered around, coming out of their homes to gaze curiously at the spectacle.

    Roland moved forward, as the three caravanners hopped out. "Creston? Lianora? Garrett?" he asked. "What's going on?"

    Creston took a deep breath. "The goblins are planning an attack," he said grimly.

    Dammit, I hate it when Anonymous DoS attacks us...

    Shocked gasps echoed around the village, as the people glanced at each other in alarm and unease.

    "Garrett, Lia, and I were riding, when I spotted something," the Yuke began. "So we went to check it out. And when we got there…"

    00000000000000—FLASHBACK—00000000000000000000000

    Yay, transition effect.

    Garrett signaled for the Yukes to move forward, behind the rock that the Lilty was hiding behind. The three still couldn't believe what they were seeing.

    Goblins. A lot of them. Actually, that was an understatement. A MASSIVE number of goblins were hanging around an area. It appeared to be the outside of a large cavern. But the strange thing is, unlike most mountains or caves, the cavern went straight up, but did not have a peak at all. Instead, the new monstrous fortress was built by a wall.

    A wall made of toothpicks and pretzel sticks.

    "Look up there," hissed Lia, pointing. Creston looked at the direction of her finger, and saw what was holding the goblin's attention.

    A rubber chicken.

    Atop a large pedestal, surrounded by four elite goblin guards, was a large goblin. He held a large staff in his blue hands, and was dressed in colorful clothes, as if he was a shaman. His dark, beady red eyes gleamed in the shadows caused by the wall. His teeth were long and crooked, like his nose. While Creston was captivated by the monster, he was even more surprised when it spoke.

    It spoke English, quite conveniently.

    "Goblins! Brethren! The time has come!" roared the large goblin on the pedestal. His voice was rather high, and it had a rather menacing lisp to it, but it was still deep enough to sound threatening. "I, the Goblin King, have called you all here today, for this is a plan of greatness!"

    The goblins below let out shrieking cheers. The King waved a hand and they all fell silent.

    "As you know," the king said, resuming his speech. "There is only one village in this area. The smallest village of all villages in this land…Tipa!"

    Not to be confused with Tida.

    The goblins below growled.

    It sucked to be a [s]zerg[/s]groundling. If only they had gotten seats earlier.

    "Now now, friends," said the Goblin King. "This is good news. However, now that the Giant Crab at River Belle has been annihilated by the caravan from this village, we must consider them a threat. Also, a new Crab shall rise to power, so our treaty with them is going to be strained. However, I have concocted a plan of greatness! With this plan, as soon as it succeeds, the goblins shall be one of the most powerful races on this earth!"

    1. Concoct Plan of Stupidity.
    1.5. Rename it Plan of Greatness.
    2. Build a Fortress and name it after yourself.
    3. Find millions of [s]hair-brained, asinine[/s] dedicated followers.
    4. Deliver speech that points out the obvious.
    5. ?????
    6. PROFIT


    The goblins stared up at him, wide eyed and attentive. How? What was this plan?

    "The plan is simple. When the caravanners head out for their next year, after they leave the peninsula, we strike! However, if they come here, we simply kill them, and then destroy their precious village. After that, we use the village as a secondary base. We take over River Belle and Port Tipa after that, and soon, the entire Tipa peninsula shall be under our control!"

    ALLYOURBASEAREBELONGTOUS.

    The goblins cheered. Garrett looked uneasily at the Yukes. These violent creatures had a very well-made plan.

    Anything was a well-made compared to Garrett's usual strategy of yelling ‘LET'S DO THIS!’ and charging forward.

    "But it doesn't stop there!" shouted the King above the loud cheers. "As you know, the Tipa caravan has recently ravaged Mushroom Forest. After we conquer the Tipa peninsula, we head threw the miasma stream...

    Its been a long time, word use error.

    ...and we take over the forest as well.

    Then we'll sell it on Craig's List and get rich!

    ....However, if some of you are too spooked to go into the stream, we shall use Port Tipa to travel around it, and use the sea to gain access into the Iron Mine Downs!"

    In other words, he is too much of a wuss to go through the stream.

    The goblins looked at each other in violent delight.

    "Also, the Mine of Cathuriges is also a priority. Our rivals though they may be, it grieves me to tell you that the Orc King…has fallen in battle."

    The orcs were too stupid to pick him up. I mean, its obvious we would be trampled if you just leave him there.

    The goblins let out shocked cries and wails.

    Somewhere in the crowd, a upper crust goblin lady feinted. Her lover!

    "Yes! Slaughtered, he was! And by who?" roared the king. "The accursed caravanners from Tipa! They have mercilessly slaughtered the king of all orcs! They will surely come after us next!

    OMG PARANOIA PARANOIA PARANOIA

    ...Therefore, we must strike first! Also, we shall invade the Mine of Cathuriges. With the idiotic buffoon of a king out of the way, the orcs will be weak. We shall convince them we wish to ally with them, and then take over their home when they least expect it!"

    They'd never expect us to take over our home while we're invading it! Its foolproof!

    The goblins let out booming cries of sadistic glee.

    Then one of them farted, and they all started laughing.

    "But it doesn't stop there!" said the Goblin King with a menacing smile. "We shall take the Iron Mine Downs as well. Afterwards, we raise our army up, and then we shall attack Veo Lu, the Plains of Fum, and the Vale of Alfitaria!"

    I'm more interested in the goblins now than the caravaners. Sucks these guys are gonna get slaughtered.

    "What about Rebena Plains?" asked a voice from the crowd.

    Nay, one cannot simply march into the Rebena Plains. We'll need a flying bison! Or eagles, I guess that works.

    The Goblin King fell silent for a moment. Despite his confidence, he did not wish to go to the Rebena Plains. They were simply eerie. "We do not need the Rebena Plains. No one ever goes there...

    Besides an entire army of Clavats, Selkies, Yukes, and ...some other race. They’re probably negligible anyway. I mean really, its not a threat.

    Even if someone does, they'll simply die there, as we will control every rest city around."

    Every rest city, lul.

    "Uh…what if plan doesn't work?" asked a nervous voice. Murmurs followed his uneasy words.

    Simple, you there, beside him. Execute him! Now you, execute the murderer!
    That's how I intend to win.


    "The only thing that shall cause this plan to fail would be disloyalty," said the King loudly. "If you go through with this plan with all your strength, we shall not fail. Aren't you tired of being persecuted? As other tribes mock us and walk all over us? It is time to stop this! We shall have our revenge, and emerge from the bloody battles of war triumphant, as the greatest tribe of monsters this land will ever see!"

    NATIONALISM IS SERIOUS ISSUE-
    nevermind.


    The goblins shouted loudly, louder than any other time during the meeting.

    "We shall start right away," said the large, blue goblin. "Set out for River Belle, and check on Port Tipa. Afterwards, we shall plan a strategy. With that, this meeting is now over."

    NEWS TEAM, DISSESEMBLE!

    All of the goblins started to walk away in random directions, muttering with dark humor.

    One walked into a pit. Oh, that silly old lemming, always gotta be the rebel.

    Creston shook his head. "That Goblin King can give one hell of a good speech, that's for sure."

    I can make up a better one right now: “Garrett sucks"

    "And it seems he has a lot of influence," said Lia. "And his use of propaganda is good as well. He's definitely smarter than the Orc King."

    Which isn't saying much.

    "Yeah, yeah, point is, we gotta go and warn the others," said Garrett. The three nodded, and set off back to the caravan.

    Which was now on fire. A minor problem.

    As they finished telling the story, they were met with an appalled silence.

    "We need a plan," said Mika, breaking the silence.

    Garrett: LET'S DO THIS.
    Creston: ...that doesn't help, Garrett.
    Garrett: Well, we're screwed.


    Creston nodded. "The goblins are going to try and kill us if we go there. But we can't stay here. If a battle takes place here, the villagers are at risk."

    And you'll also have a shit ton of able-bodied fighters to help you. And people to help build fortifications. And a steady supply of awkwardly shaped sticks that Tipa is famed for.Oh, and a infinite number of healing items too.

    Sam thought for a moment then opened his eyes. "Four of us will go to Goblin Wall. Four of us shall remain here."

    Garrett: HOLY SHIT SAM IS BRILLIANT! His plan is better than the goblin king's, even!

    "Who goes, and who stays?" asked Ray.

    "Me and you for starters," said Sam. "Mika should come too. That leaves one more space open, but only one person can fill it. Garrett, you're the fourth person."

    Well, that team's screwed.

    "Why is that your plan?" asked Nieta.

    "I'm an all around fighter," said Sam, trying not to sound like he was bragging.

    He was failing at doing so.

    "But goblins are fast. I may not be fast enough to avoid them, so that's why the Selkies are coming with us...

    Cause they've got the best K/D ratio.

    Garrett, meanwhile, is the only one who can go with us, because he knows the way there."

    And because he's racked up about eight or so felonies here in the last week. They wouldn't mind him leaving.

    "Why are we staying here?" asked Lianora. "We're the best at magic and healing. You'll need us."

    "That's why you have to stay here," said Sam. "If we fail, then the village will need your help and support. Goblins aren't very good with magic. Plus, if any villagers get hurt, you'll be here to help them. Everyone understand?"

    But you'll be SOL if we die anyway, we're taking the chalice with us.

    The eight nodded. Mika drove the caravan out of the village.

    The caravan pulled up to Goblin Wall.

    Mika: Parking space T9, guys, remember that.

    "Is this the place?" asked Ray. Garrett nodded.

    "Definitely," he said. "But we haven't seen the inside yet."

    "Then let's not wait," said Mika, entering the cavernous wall. The others followed her lead, and made their way into the heart of the goblins' fortress.

    0000000000000000000000000000

    Done. This was more of a suspenseful chapter.

    I got the idea of the Goblin Army attacking Tipa from the journal entry after you beat Goblin Wall for the first time. It says something about the goblins maybe attacking Tipa.

    My image of the Goblin King is a smart, sneaky, and word-savvy person, who can use fancy words to persuade others to go along with him.

    He practiced in front of the mirror daily. He never really got out much.

    However, I also see him as weak and cowardly as well (teleporting away from you, the dirty slimeball). This'll be shown later on.

    COUGH BOSS FIGHT COUGH

    Favorite parts: The Go Fish game, and the Goblin King's speech.

    Go Fish, definitely not Strip Poker. Definitely not.
    >.>
    <.<


    Up next: The dark domain of the goblins, GOBLIN WALL. Will Tipa's heroes make it to the Goblin King before his plan is put into action? And if they do, can they defeat the King of the Goblins?

    Garrett: Well, we're screwed.

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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:54 am

    11. Assault

    Spoiler:

    Dun dun dun! We now return to Tipa Crystal Chronicles.

    In this chapter, Sam, Garrett, Mika, and Ray face the might of the goblins at the notorious Goblin Wall!

    It was made of pretzel sticks and toothpicks. It was the strongest wall ever built by goblins.

    I'm most likely dividing up this chapter as well, like the Mine of Cathuriges. Even though Goblin Wall is a very short course, there are HOARDS of enemies, and I also want the Goblin King to have a big speech before his battle (and that will reveal the story a bit more as well).

    He's a very longwinded [s]monster[/s] author.

    Also, another thing! There are going to be some recurring monsters in this story. If you've noticed, on rare occasions, some monsters haven't been killed. Those monsters are going to be out for revenge against the caravan.

    In other words, a redundant running gag.
    Not nearly as funny as awkwardly shaped sticks. Never will be.


    If you don't know what I mean, check in the Mushroom Forest Chapter. Ray fought a gremlin, but he threw it up into the sky instead of killing it. That same gremlin is going to return for revenge against Ray.

    I'd be angry at that overpowered asshole too.

    Enough rambling.

    THERE BE NO SUCH THING!

    I DEMAND THIS CHAPTER TO BEGIN!

    But the chapter doesn't feel like it. Maybe next [s]week[/s] [s]month[/s] [s]year[/s] [s]decade[/s] century.

    0000000000000000000000000000

    "Sheesh," said Garrett, his eyes narrowed. "This place looked pretty tough on the outside, but the inside isn't much to look at."

    Yeah, those toothpicks and pretzel sticks were pretty fearsome looking.

    Sam nodded in agreement, glancing around at the area they were in.

    No succubi and no sign of Tom Hanks. Sadly, this won't be like River Belle Path.

    It was dark and shadowy, filled with nooks and crannies all around. The ground was gravelly and the walls were tall and looming. Bones were scattered around. Bones of animals…and humans, too!

    Oh, just humans. Those monsters are pretty crazy. They've got nothing on Clavats, Selkies, or Yukes. They're definitely better than that other race though.

    These vicious creatures killed for fun and kept the remains as decorations and trophies. The smell of the place was foul and putrid, the scent of goblins.

    It's still nothing compared to the junior locker bay at my school. Good lord.

    There were also cells, with barriers made out of bones. Skulls were seen within the jail cells, showing that some prisoners were left to die in this foul place.

    Probably was more likely that the goblins forgot about their prisoners. Yes, goblins failed at the art of ransoming.

    As the four looked around, they could see why it was called Goblin Wall. Huge numbers of goblins were hanging all around, as well as many other creatures. There were flans, gelatinous, yellow monsters that were slimy and slithered along the floor like slugs. There were also bats flying around, and electric jellyfish drifting along throughout the level gloomily, as if they were depressed that they were stuck in such a disgusting place.

    If it were me, I'd just line the place with dynamite and call it a day. All you need are 4 units of sand of 5 units of gunpowder. And BAM.

    As the four moved forward, a goblin guard caught sight of them. His small eyes widened in alarm.

    "Intruders!" he shouted. "Raise alarm! The great Goblin King right! He knew they try and stop us! Everyone, prepare for batt- AAAAAAAGH!"

    battAAAAAAAHG!? Sweet, that's our code for sweet rave party! No one can stop our sweet rave party!

    The goblin's orders were cut short as we met his end on the tip of Garrett's lance. Dark, violet blood poured out of the monsters stomach as he let out a gurgling groan, and slumped forward, his sightless eyes still bulging out of their sockets.

    I'm waiting for a monster to let loose a rainbow of blood. Ray and Mika will desperately search for where it ends.

    "Well, now they know we're here. Do you think they'll let us see the king if we ask nicely?" said Ray sarcastically.

    Goblin: Yeah, jeez, all you needed to do was ask. No one liked Jaffar here anyway.

    "Less talk, more action," said Mika, pointing. Two flans and a goblin were running toward them (or in the flans case, sliding).

    Damn, the author took my comment. Curses.
    Garrett sucks.


    Sam dashed forward, while the goblin swung his vicious-looking cutlass at the Clavat. Sam ducked, and cut the goblin in the stomach. The creature groaned, but managed to swing his blade. Sam tried to dodge, but his arm got a cut as he did. He then swung his sword again. The monster's head was sliced off, and the creature dropped to its knees.

    So I heard you like Seppuku.

    Meanwhile, Mika was fighting one of the flans. It dodged both of her attacks, but the third one hit it dead on. It then sprayed a bunch of yellow fog at the Selkie. Mika felt her body slow down, but she managed to strike the thing one last time before the spell slowed her down too much. The gooey monster flew into a wall, and stuck there, dead.

    So, that's this world's substitute for duck tape.

    Ray was fighting the other flan. He stepped backwards, and his racket caught on fire from a torch. Not noticing, Ray swung his racket and struck the flan down. It let out a little gurgle, and melted, dying instantly.

    "Hey Sam!" shouted Ray. "These things don't like fire!"

    Unless they're masochists.

    Sam nodded, and all four of them gathered back to the center of the entryway. Sam cast a clear spell on Mika, returning the speedy girl to normal.

    Yawn.

    "Ugh…," said Sam, rubbing his forehead. "I'll never get used to the side effects of magic."

    I mean, I take LSD everyday, but jeez, magic, its like, super pyschadelic, man.

    The four moved forward and began to walk upwards.

    "Hey, anyone notice how we're mostly going up, not forward?" asked Garrett.

    "Well, when I first saw it outside, I noticed it was more tall than long or wide," said Sam.

    Oh, these accursed optical illusions! We've been going down the whole time!

    "Tall or wide, we still have to deal with monsters," said Ray. At that moment, a bat swooped out of the sky, joined by three goblins, two red, and one blue.

    As well as a purple one and a neon pink one. How the latter came to be, I'm stumped.

    "The blue one is a magic user," said Sam, eyeing the staff the creature was holding.

    Color coded for your convenience.

    "Let's get them!" shouted one of the reds.

    "Be careful," said the blue mage in a gravelly, shrill voice. "We've heard that these fools are powerful. We don't want to dishonor our king and lose to these wretched caravanners."

    The king pities the foo who loses to these wretched pricks!

    Mika noticed how the mage didn't speak in fragments like the other goblins. So the goblins here are more intelligent than the ones at River Belle Path. They fight better, too. This is the true strength of the goblins' military might.

    Their intelligence was too much for her to comprehend.

    Her thoughts were cut short as the bat hurtled straight for her. She got a light cut on her cheek as the creature tackled her, but as she tried to counterattack it, the monster flew out of reach.

    GODDAMN BATS.

    Muttering curses, Mika used a gravity spell, and struck the bat down as it was trapped to the ground.

    Oh, sweet justice.

    Mika groaned at the headache she received, but managed to enter the battle once more.

    Sam and Ray were fighting the warrior goblins two-on-two. Sam managed to hack his opponent's arms off, and then tried to cut it open with an uppercut.

    So, Sam. I heard you like overkill.

    The armless creature drew back, but his nose was cut off.

    Its merely a flesh wound.

    With a shrieking scream,

    Insert Wilheim scream here.

    ...the goblin fell over and died.

    Curses! How did he know my source of power was in my nose!?

    Ray meanwhile was beating his goblin with his racket. He finally managed to strike the creature in the side of its head, and sent it flying over the edge of a cliff. The goblin's yelps grew dimmer and softer, before they were cut off by a sickening crunch.

    It reminded Ray of leaves it autumn. Oh, the crunchy greatness of cinnamon toast crunch!

    Garrett charged towards the mage goblin, but the magic-user cast a spell on the Lilty, and Garrett felt a searing burn from a Fire Spell. Determined, he charged forward and stabbed furiously at the mage.

    So Garrett, how about rethinking your brilliant “strategy”?

    Blood splattering on his tunic, the mage snarled and drew back, raising his staff for a counter spell. But as he was about to cast his magic, the tip of his staff exploded, causing the mage to go flying back into a wall, while the crack of his splitting spine filled the cave.

    Well, here lies Ron Weasley the Goblin.

    "Damn…even the mages aren't very good at magic," said Ray, panting. "But these guys are way tougher than the bozos at River Belle Path, that's for sure."

    Sam threw his sword at the ground and stretched his arms. "Well, what do you expect? This is their base; their most experienced warriors should be here."

    "Sam! Look!" said Garrett, pointing. Sam turned and found that his sword had impaled a white skull.

    Sam has terrible aim. Its not that hard to hit the ground below you.

    Or so he thought. It seemed to be a switch, as the cell below opened up, revealing a treasure chest.



    "Sweet! Let's go!" yelled Mika and Ray at the same time. The two thieves rushed off to find the treasure that had been revealed.

    00000000000000000000000000

    "I think that's the way out," said Mika, pointing. "Or at least to the next room."

    Sam: Gee, I wonder why there's a sign to the left of it saying, “This is the throne room, dumbasses!”
    Ray: Is that our cue card?
    Mika: Probably not.
    Garrett: I think it is, guys.
    Ray: Shut up Garrett, you suck.


    Below them, a long hallway-like cavern was blocked by a bone barricade. Guarding it were four goblins: Three mages, and a chieftain.

    "Ugh…," said Sam. "That's gotta be it. No other cells have been guarded."

    "Grrrr…how long do we have to guard this thing, Firetooth?" asked one of the mages.

    Grr, why do we have to have ridiculous names? No wonder the other tribes make fun of us so often.

    "Look, I don't know, Rocknose...

    Why so nosy, Rocknose?
    I'm terrible, I know.


    I'm just following orders," replied the other one. "Ask Bonescratch."

    "I don't know either," said the third mage, who was most likely Bonescratch. "But I'm thinking about leaving. Get myself some lunch…"

    "You're all going to stay here whether you like it or not," growled the chieftain, who seemed to be in charge.

    No shit. Why else would he be called chieftan?

    "Yes sir, Commander Ironbelly," said the three mages.

    "Ironbelly! AHAHAHA!" laughed Ray, unable to contain himself. The four goblins looked up at them.

    So why didn't he laugh at the other names?

    "Smooth move, bandanna butt," said Garrett.

    Ray: Stfu Garrett. Your hair sucks and so do you. Besides, my bandana is on my head, dumbass.

    "ATTACK! GET THEM!" shouted the chieftain. The mages and the chieftain ran forward, yelling battle cries.

    Cheerleader: C'mon crowd, let us hear your battle cry!
    Me & Friends: Trolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol


    Garrett hopped off the ledge above them and hurtled downwards, his spear point down. He landed on one of the poor mages, impaling its head on his lance.

    But not crushing it.

    "Gah! Rocknose!" said Firetooth.

    Alas, poor Fellatio! I knew him well, Mercutio. He bore me on his back many a time.

    "Guh…I knew…I should've left," the dying goblin gasped out, before dying.

    It gets worse. His ex-wife is now sleeping with his wife and her boyfriend.

    "WORM!" roared Ironbelly. He swung his wicked blade down at Garrett, but Sam appeared and the blade struck his shield instead.

    "What!" yelled the commander chieftain, but that was all he managed to say before Sam's sword pierced the chieftain's heart.

    He then saw Sam the stupid cupid, who pierced people's hearts with swords instead of love-inducing arrows. Sam always wondered why no one ever thanked him for the love he gave them.

    The chieftain stabbed Sam furiously in the arm before he died, his sneer still on his face.

    He remembered that one Justin Bieber song, his favorite.

    Ray and Mika stepped towards the remaining mages threateningly. "You're next," growled Ray.

    That's right, mage, its time for the
    [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8hvqTSCg-g[/video]


    The two remaining goblins exchanged a glance, then turned tail and fled.

    Damn goblins stole my line.

    They ran to the entrance.

    "We'll be back! There'll be a reckoning for this!" shouted Bonescratch.

    We'll be back to annoy you in future chapters with our ridiculous names! FEAR US!

    "Let them go," said Mika. "We have an appointment with the king."

    You scheduled an appointment? What the hell Mika, there goes our element of surprise!

    They headed through the unguarded door and moved on.

    What would Ackbar about this?

    In the next room, there was another wall to climb, as well as a large chasm in the middle of the room. At the top of the chamber was a large door that looked like it was made of bones. The four noticed that they would need a key to get through, as they spotted a keyhole next to the door.

    "That must lead to the king," said Sam. "No other door has looked like that."

    Sigh...
    What would Ackbar say about this?
    [/color]

    The four began to ascend up the wall. As they advanced one level, they met an obstacle: A flan and a jellyfish.

    And Stephen Hawkings.

    With his knowledge of flans, Sam cast a fire spell on the creature. The creature dissolved into a gooey yellow puddle.

    Ray ran forward and swung his racket at the jellyfish. As the weapon made contact, Ray's sly smirk changed into a shocked expression, as he felt lightning zap his entire body.

    Arrogant badass has been broken. Hoorah!

    He clenched his teeth as the electricity coursed through his body.

    Oh Ray. Please author, make him do it again.

    "What the heck?" he managed to say, before finally, he was free of the painful shock.

    "You can't touch a jellyfish without receiving a shock," explained Mika. "The electricity on its head will hurt you. Most people would notice that."

    Garrett: Dur, you're so stupid Ray.
    Garrett then strikes a jellyfish.
    Garrett: WTFHAX!


    Ignoring the last insult, Ray shook his head. "Well fine, missy. You kill it, if you're so smart." At that point another jellyfish swooped down, along with a bat.

    MORE GODDAMN BATS!?

    "Watch and learn, moron," taunted Mika, earning a scowl from Ray.

    And a smirk from me.

    Mika concentrated, then aimed two aura blasts at both of the jellyfish. Both hit their targets, killing one, and knocking the other jellyfish into the bat as it died. The bat was shocked and paralyzed for just a moment, allowing Sam and Garrett to finish it off.

    Mika gave Ray a triumphant what-now look.

    What now!? What now!? What now!?

    "Shut up," muttered Ray. Mika just smirked.

    "C'mon," said Garrett. "Let's go up."

    After a few more small battles (and a couple of healing spells), the four of them eventually reached the bone door. But they weren't the first ones there. Three warrior goblins, a mage, two chieftains, and a jellyfish were hanging around.

    Hanging out
    Down the street.
    The same old thing
    We did last week.
    Not a thing to do.
    But talk to you.


    "Hold on," said Sam, putting a hand out to stop Garrett (who was shaking in anticipation of killing the damn things).

    Garrett is a little [s]axe[/s] spear crazy.

    "Let the Selkies go first. They're quicker, and sneakier."

    Mainly sneakier, those shitty thieves.

    The Selkies crept close in the shadows.

    Ray hummed the Metal Gear Solid theme. Mika slapped him.

    "This sucks," whined one of the goblins. "We've been here for HOURS! Why can't we just go somewhere else, Grimblade?”

    Grimblade never liked his name, he always wanted to be a fashion designer, but NOOOO~, his name chose his occupation for him!

    One of the chieftains, who was wearing an eye patch, glanced at him. "Because we've got orders from the official guards. And apparently those orders came from the king himself. So stop whining, Slimeclaw. And Ragebreath, don't slack off on the job."

    "It is our duty. We are the finest warriors after all, excluding the official guards," spoke one goblin, spitting. He had a long scar on his nose. "Well, except for you, Slimeclaw. Let's face it; you're a weakling.

    Slimeclaw is the goblin equivalent of Garrett.

    "Oh, shut up, Knifeface," said Slimeclaw.

    Knifeface?
    I swear...


    Suddenly, the jellyfish locked eyes with Mika.

    It recognized its mommy!

    Mika swore quietly, then shot an aura blast at the creature. It went flying off into the air, hit the ceiling, and started to fall. Then it hit the ground in front of the goblins dying as it fell onto the hard earth.

    Jellyfish: So, whats up guys?

    The goblin named Slimeclaw noticed it first. "What's tha-AAAAAAACK!"

    "What do you mean, 'thack'?" asked the mage. Then he noticed Ray whacking Slimeclaw over the head a second time. The poor goblin's skull was smashed, and he let out a final whimper before he ceased breathing.

    Aw, no Wilheim scream?

    "An ambush!" shouted Grimblade. "Attack!"

    "Now!" shouted Sam, leaping into the fray with Garrett at his side. Mika and Ray were locked in battle with two goblin warriors, and a chieftain, respectively. Garrett charged at the second chieftain. Sam went for the mage.

    Everyone considered everyone else a wingman. You really needed them when picking up goblins at nightclubs. I speak from experience.

    Grimblade swung his vicious sword through the air at Ray, who nimbly dodged to one side. Thrusting his blade once more, Grimblade stabbed the Selkie angrily in one leg. Ray let out a yelp of pain, before he blindsided the goblin chief on the side of his face where the eye patch was. He sent the chief sprawling, but Grimblade got up and resumed fighting once more.

    Garrett fought with the other chief, slashing and stabbing furiously at the evil creature. The chieftain managed to dodge and move backward, but eventually hit a wall. Garrett seized his opportunity and stabbed the goblin right in the chest. The monster clutched its heart, trying to cling to life, but all in vain. It died with one last curse escaping its mouth.

    Garrett...sucks...

    Mika, meanwhile, was fighting Ragebreath and Knifeface, and was too fast for both of them. Swinging her paddle in a wide arc, she knocked them back over the edge of the wall. They both landed, and were alive, but they knew they had lost. Knifeface dragged Ragebreath behind him.

    "You win. We'll be leaving now," said Knifeface coldly. Ragebreath just growled and swore quietly.

    RB:Curses! Getting hit in the face by a paddle wielded by a girl named Mika is my one weakness! I'll need a quadrouple chocolate latte to recover!

    Sam swung his sword and cut off the mages arm. It let out a scream and cast a thunder spell, which Sam narrowly avoided. Sam kicked the creatures legs, and as the creature lost balance and fell, Sam's blade pierced its throat. Blood bubbled out of its mouth, but it soon succumbed to death.

    Ray and Grimblade were still dueling viciously. However, at last, Ray managed to unbalance the creature, and shot a projectile at Grimblade's head. He let out one last roar before falling to the ground, stone dead. A key fell out of the dead chieftain's pocket.

    Oh, so it isn't his skeletal structure?

    "There's our ticket to get inside the throne room," said Garrett, picking up the key. Sam cast a Cura spell on everyone, and once he got over his dizziness, Garrett placed the key in the lock. The bone door creaked loudly as it opened up, and the Tipa caravan made its way inside.

    Done! Finally!

    This chapter was exciting to write, although all the battles wore me out.

    Favorite parts: Hands down: The last battle before they go to fight the Goblin King.

    Notice how I started to name the monsters?

    No.


    That's going to be a recurring theme now.

    Hell yeah! More pointless names to forget!

    The more intelligent monsters (Lizardmen, Goblins, Lamias, and Tonberries, to name a few) are going to have names. Simpler monsters (such as Hell Plants, Cockatrices, Killer Bees, Scorpions and Zus) are not going to have names.

    Here's a little spoiler: There are a few monsters that will make more appearances later on. There are three in this chapter who shall appear later on. Firetooth, Bonescratch, and Knifeface make more appearances. If you want to know where they appear, figure out the puzzle below (it isn't hard).

    Adnalik

    I CAN'T DO IT! I BOW DOWN TO THE GENIUS OF THIS AUTHOR.
    No really, its Kilanda. Where ever the hell that is.


    Next chapter: Mika, Sam, Ray, and Garrett all fight the Goblin King. Will they succeed, and foil the mastermind's plan.

    Or will they fail, leaving Creston, Lia, Nieta, and Star to take over the caravan?

    And leave them SOL, having no Chalice to collect myrrh or anything to leave the town with?
    Yes please.

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    Soul
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:55 am

    12. The End of the Plan

    Spoiler:

    MUAHAHAHAHA! WE RETURN TO THE HORROR OF…okay never mind. I was trying to be suspenseful…

    YOU FAILED

    Anyways, here is the chapter in which the four caravanners fight the Goblin King.

    Sadly, no explosions. Michael Bay would never want to direct the filming of this chapter.

    By the way, sorry to Goblin King fans, but he's kind of a wuss…the battle isn't going to be very long. XD

    It starts with the King's POV but then switches to the others.

    On with the show! *bangs gong*

    Bubble bubble bubble…

    Who's drowning?

    That was the sound that echoed throughout the grim cavern, as the Goblin King stood over his cauldron, muttering in violent delight.

    The enemy would never suspect his zergling rush!

    The plans were going well. Extremely well.

    And, since he's a villian, we all know he's screwed four ways from sunday.

    The Goblin King himself had been unsure of the success, but it just went to show that the mighty king could be a worrywart sometimes.

    However, after Tipa…that's what bothered him. His world takeover speech was actually just supposed to get the goblin army psyched and ready for battle. The king hadn't really meant it.

    He only wanted to take Tipa for its surplus of awkwardly shaped sticks. All mages had a strange fascination for them. Especially him.

    He knew he could take certain areas of the world easily…but there were certain monsters he did NOT want to fight, and certain places he would NEVER go.

    4chan was notorious due to its trolls and memes. Both these monsters were truly quite frightening.

    He just hoped that his plans hadn't angered any of the stronger monsters.

    He still hadn't recovered from their last raid.

    God knows what HE could-

    WHO IS THIS “HE”!? OMGOMGOOGMOGMGMOMGMGMGOMOGMOGMOGOGMOMGOGOMGOMGOMOGMOMGGOGOOMGOMGOMGOMOGMOGOMGOOMGOGOMOGMOMGGOOMGOMGOMGOMGMOMOGOMGOMGOMGMOOGOMGOGOMOGMOGOMGOMOGMOMGOMGMMOGO

    The king shook his head, frightened. He wouldn't think about it. The plans would go well, and his army would rise in status and power. And that was what mattered. It's not like he would fail anyway…

    Creeeeeeeeeeeeak…

    HERE'S JOHNY

    "Eh? What the?" he muttered under his breath, turning around. He then squealed in surprise.

    He squealed like a girl at the premiere of Eclipse. The pricks covered their ears and ragequitted.

    The caravan from Tipa walked into the Goblin King's lair, weapons drawn, and=2 0expressions set and determined.

    ...

    The king clenched a fist. "What? How! H-how did you get in here! What happened to the mages? The warriors? Some of my finest guards!"



    "Dead," answered the Lilty, spitting. "Or driven out. Either way, you'll be joining them."

    The King's eyes widened. Dead? His troops? Were they lying? That couldn't be true, could it? His plan never involved the king to actually FIGHT.

    He planned to stay at the wall and eat a dozen sticks of butter while the army was away. BEST. PLAN. EVAR.

    "Th-that's impossible!" he stuttered.

    Ah, impossible, the single word that dooms all would-be successful villains.

    Sam stared at the goblin. "You heard him right. We've successfully battled our way into your base. You're too confident for your own good."

    Thanks Sam, we needed that recap and pointless statement of the blatantly obvious. Three cheers for the leader of team prick.

    The Goblin King gulped. Garrett stared at the King. Although his words and speech had been vicious, he realized that the Goblin King was actually very cowardly at heart. Unlike the Orc King, he preferred to watch his army fight. The Orc King ruled in strength; the Goblin King ruled in intelligence.

    And guess what Garrett ruled in.

    The Goblin King stared down at them. There was a gate blocking the way into his lair.

    The lock was on the outside of the door and so were the keys. His security advisor sucked more than Garrett.

    He was safe- for right now.

    "Hmmph…," the King muttered, his red eyes narrowing. "So you managed to defeat a bunch of ragtag goblins. Too bad my elite guards are either in my chambers or rushing towards your village to fight."

    Too bad I knew you were going to kill all my entire army of weak goblins, so why not send more of the same weak goblins to kill you? My plans are perfect!

    "Nice try," said Ray pleasantly. "But that's a bad bluff. No goblins that escaped ran towards Tipa. They're a bunch of cowards, just like you."

    OH NO HE DIDN'T

    "Coward? Imbeciles!" shouted the King in an affronted voice. "You're all a bunch of blithering idiots!

    Everyone knows Garrett very well in this story. He must really get around.

    ...You think I'm a king because I use big words?"

    "Yes, actually," said Ray bluntly.

    "Wrong!" spat the Goblin. "I am the King because I am the strongest both in brawn and in mind...

    And I because I rigged the election polls.
    Mainly because of that.


    My plan will succeed, and I will wipe out all other races in this accursed Peninsula. You four are only the beginning."

    "Your plan will fail. And if you're the strongest of all of these losers, then that isn't saying much," said Mika, giving the king a hard glare.

    Yawn. Mika, you're boring me with your predictable and boring attempts at MSTing.

    "You and your goblins only care about yourselves. But we're actually defending people!"

    Like dude, we like got like resolve and like reason and like weapons, just like those kids in like Naruto, OMG I LIKE LOVE THAT LIKE SHOW, so we'll like definitely like kick your ass. Like!

    The King's eyes widened. Then he let out a high, shrill, spiteful laugh.

    People who spoke in modern day teenager language were quite the laugh, I agree.

    "That's what angers me about the lot of you!" roared the Goblin King, his voice taking a dark, venomous tone. "You and all your races!"

    You don't have ridiculous names! C'mon, what kind of names are Garrett, Lianora, and Mika!? You gotta go with kickass names like Ironbelly! I love that guy.

    "You take us as evil, but are we really so different? Hmmm?" he asked.

    LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS~~~

    "You are killing us to preserve your own race. But we're doing the exact same thing! We need to survive as well!"

    Why can't we all just be friends and die? I mean, that would be awesome.

    "We wouldn't have attacked you if you hadn't threatened us!" shouted Sam. "We would've never touched you!"

    "You already have!" shouted the Goblin King. "How many goblins have you slaughtered at River Belle Path? I'm guessing a good number.

    11

    ...And for what? You killed my men to get your precious myrrh, so your despicable village could survive another year!"

    "Your men didn't exactly let us go without a fight!" shouted Sam angrily.

    Yeah, one threw a stone at my head. It messed up mah do, man!

    "We wouldn't have killed him if we didn't have to! If monsters didn't guard the tree and try to kill us, we wouldn't have to kill them!"

    GK: Oh, sorry. I'll be sure to relay orders to them to escort you to the tree next time. My bad.

    "Humph…," growled the King. "You pitiful people have no understanding of us. We need the tree as much as you do. But that doesn't matter now," he declared, with a twisted smile. "We'll wipe you out, and all the other villages throughout this miasma infested world."

    Well jeez, this king loves to boast.

    "What do you mean, you need the tree?" asked Sam. He vaguely remembered the Orc King mentioning that as well.

    We need it to power our anti-crystal for our anti-rave boring parties. Square dancing is tops, man.

    "It doesn't matter what it means," sneered the Goblin King. "All that matters is that we have it. We're willing to stop you by any means necessary."

    "Then do it," challenged Garrett.

    What would [s]Ackbar[/s] Arnold Schwarzenegger say?

    "I will, if you can even survive long enough to battle me!" yelled the king. He waved a hand. "Attack!"

    Once more, I honestly believe I can throw more mooks at you, the same mooks you just killed, and expect them to win.

    Four goblins rushed out and confronted the caravanners. One of them swung his blade at Mika, who blocked it, and swung her mallet.

    Mallet, Paddle, Racket. All the same thing, definitely.

    The goblin dodged, but Mika kicked him over, and he fell down. Mika swung her paddle at his skull, smashing it, and the goblin died. At the same time, Sam finished dealing with his goblin, by viciously severing its head. A key appeared from out of its bloodstained shirt.

    This dungeon has a really low drop rate. Everyone would be stuck on this level in an MMORPG.

    "Guys!" he yelled. "Get the keys. We put them in those slots over there. Then we can fight the King!"

    "Got it!" shouted the other three. Garrett's spear struck the goblin's spear. Both spears pushed up against each other, fighting for life and death. Garrett won, and the tip of his weapon stabbed into the goblin's eye, and it bled to death.

    Good eye, Garrett

    Ray bashed his goblin viciously on the head, while the goblin swung his blade at him.

    Silly Ray, everyone knows a goblin's head is denser than a black hole. Why bother hitting it?

    Ray jumped in the air, and when he landed, he kicked the goblin and it went flying over the gate and the king, into the cauldron.

    So, Ray. I heard you were overpowered.

    It dissolved in agonizing pain, as the acid-like substance burned the creature's skin. Ray picked up the key that the creature had dropped when he kicked it. Sam and Ray put in there keys,

    Its been a long time since I tea raged at there.

    ...and then the gate opened.

    Good eye, Garrett

    "What!" cried the Goblin King, clenched fists shaking. "My elite guards? Defeated? I'll have to handle this scum myself!"

    And by himself, he means his army of mooks. Him not included. He'll just sit back and eat a stick of butter.

    Two goblins rushed to assist him,

    His entire army of mooks was two goblins.

    ...although they were both killed by a single blow from the Selkies' rackets.

    Ray and Mika grinded in dungeons quite often.
    Oh, I love Double Entendre.

    The Goblin King now chokes on his stick butter. Shit just got real.


    As Sam rushed towards the horrible King,

    Horrible king!? Me believes this authored is biased! Time to sic Oprah on this sick, demented being, this demon!

    I'm not sensationalizing anything.


    ...the large Goblin swung his staff, knocking him back. Garrett ran forward, launching his spear toward the king. The King waved a hand, and vanished, reappearing to the left of the cauldron.

    Good eye, Garret- oh just kidding, you suck.

    "Fools," he said, sniffing dismissively.

    His sinuses always acted up in battle. It really was an issue - how to clear your nose in the middle of battle? You wouldn't dare sneeze at your enemy - no, that would just be uncivilized. You wouldn't want to piss them off, even though they're already out for your head.

    "Riff-raff like you don't understand the true power of an amazing mage like myself."

    If you come with us classy gents, us amazingly potent goblin mages, we’ll take you to a world of pure imagination.

    Garrett groaned. "A mage king? Damnit Sam, you thought he'd be a warrior like the Orc King, didn't you? Maybe we should've brought the know-it-alls with us, eh?"

    I expected it really. Its the most common rivalry, brains vs brawn.

    "Not my fault! You were the ones who first saw him! You should have known!" retorted the Clavat.

    A dur, let's argue during combat! I'm sure the goblin king'll just sit back and eat a few more sticks of butter if we just ignore him!

    "I wouldn't expect either of you abysmal morons to plan ahead," said the Goblin King, with an obnoxious snort. But his boasting was cut off by a gasp of pain, as an aura blast him in the side of the head, around his ear. He glanced towards the direction the attack had come, and spotted Ray, standing on the edge of his cauldron, racket pointed at him.

    Well, at least Ray as asinine as this dumbasses, striking up conversation in battle.

    "Grah! Impudent Selkies!" grumbled the King. He quickly casted a fire spell in the cauldron.

    Explosion time!? Very Happy

    Ray managed to hop off before the spell exploded, causing the acid that the pot contained to rain down around the pot.

    Weal explosion was weak.

    A bit of it landed on Garrett.

    Great explosion. Encore.

    "Ow! Hot! Hot hot hot!" he yelled, hopping, rubbing his scalp.

    All his purty hair was falling off! What would he fondle now?

    Sam concentrated, and aimed a blizzard spell at the Goblin King.

    It was difficult to concentrate while Garrett fondled his sword, it just felt awkward.
    Oh, how I love puns, however dirty.


    The attack was successful, and the King let out a cry.

    "Not bad, worms!" he spat sardonically. "But this battle has only just begun!"



    He aimed a thunder spell at Mika, who dodged.

    She did a barrel roll. Peppy likes her.

    The villainous king barely had enough time to react before Garrett rushed towards him.

    Quick, do a barrel roll!

    Garrett's spear met the king's crook with a loud CRACK!

    Silly Garrett, everyone knows that a goblin's head is denser than a black hole-
    Nevermind, forget me, that doesn't apply here. You still suck, Garrett.


    The King teleported to the far right, but Sam foresaw his movement, and aimed a vicious slash at the King.

    To everything there is a pattern. Sam knew this, he had mastered punchout on the SNES.

    The giant goblin wasn't quick enough and he received a deep wound on his arm.

    "Gah!" he shouted, rubbing his arm. "Y-you pests!"

    How dare you luckily guessed the place I would teleport to! How dare you all have plot armor and are overpowered characters! A plague! A plague upon all your houses!

    Aiming a fire spell and a blizzard spell, at Mika and Sam respectively, the King teleported up behind his cauldron.

    Dual spellcasting is pro!

    "This isn't going well," grumbled the king. "I might have to get more serious."

    ITS SECRET WEAPON TIME. Weegee, get your ass out here!

    As Ray rushed up to attack him, the King managed to swat him aside. "I'm definitely going to have to bring out my secret weapons."

    He's gonna bring out the awkwardly shaped sticks, ladies and gentlemen. Those're illegal in 51 countries, but anything goes here in goblin wall. I just love being a WWE announcer - every friday night at 8.

    As he managed to cast a blizzard spell at Garrett, Sam rushed behind him, stabbing the foul creature in the back.

    Sam is spy.

    "You again!" yelped the King, swatting the Clavat away, sending Sam sprawling across the room.

    Where the hell are pyros when you need them?

    Mika aimed a projectile at the King,

    HELL YEAH PROJECTILES

    ...who managed to deflect it,

    ...BULLSHIT!

    ...before being hit by a blizzard spell from Ray.

    sigh, Ray sucks.

    "Dirty…scoundrels…," rasped the King. "I never thought…it would get this far…"

    Yes, I've never been pushed this far. I might considered actually doing something to attack these fools! Maybe I should tap them with a feather or hit them with a cure spell! That's sure to actually do some damage!

    Sam rushed up and sliced the King with an uppercut. The King fell backwards and leaned on his staff, breathing heavily. Sam lowered his blade.

    Oh joy, naive white knight time.

    "Done yet?" asked the Clavat. The King glared at him. He had barely known this accursed caravanner, and he already held a grudge.

    I can identify with this guy.

    "Alright…you win," whined the King pitifully. As Sam turned to walk back to the others, the King grinned. An opening!

    Yawn.

    BOOM!

    Michael Bay just called, he wants to direct this now.

    "Sam!" shouted Ray, dashing over and catching the Clavat. A green spell circle had exploded under the Clavats feet.

    "Bio spell…poison…," muttered Ray, using a clear spell. The Goblin King growled, and let out a horrible screech as Garrett stabbed him in the throat in retaliation.

    ...he got stabbed in the throat and he's still alive? Bullshit! I got punched in the throat by my sensei and I had trouble breathing for the next 3 hours! A spear thrust is bound to do more than that.

    "Yaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" roared the goblin, clutching his bleeding throat.

    >.>
    <.<


    "What, you're still alive?" asked Garrett, drawing back to the others.

    Thank you, Garrett.

    "Stop, stop!" yelled the King in a panicked voice. "Enough! Enough! I give up! For real this time!"

    It worked once, might work again.

    "Bastard!" snarled Mika, her eyes flashing. "That was a cheap shot you used on Sam!"

    No shit, Mika.

    "Big words, coming from a tribe of thieves," retorted the king, spluttering more dark violet blood.

    The Goblin King is easily the most likeable character to date.

    Garrett raised his spear.

    You suck Garrett.

    "No, no wait!" shouted the King, backing away. "Don't kill me…," he whined. "I'll tell you anything!"

    "Pathetic thing," muttered Garrett.

    I agree.

    "Anything?" asked Mika. "How about the way all the monsters communicate."

    We all go on chatango. Its that simple.

    "We can't often meet face to face, so we speak with each other mentally," explained the king, gasping and wheezing.

    What I just said.

    "Our controller, the lord of all monsters, allows us to do so…"

    Quick, press x to make the goblin king die!

    "And where did the miasma come from?" demanded Garrett.

    The junior locker bay at my school. Seriously, I'd suspect a few dozen thousand dead rats in their lockers. Pardon me, that was an understatement. A few dozen million dead rats in each of their lockers.

    Oh wait, that's an understatement too.


    "I don't know!" shouted the King, his red eyes wide, alight with fear. "All I know is that we just spawned one day. I rose to power as king.

    I selected a few choice weapons, I had a few killcoins stocked up from my last death, so I got some kickass gear.

    "And the monster who rules all?" asked Sam, recovered. "Who is it?"

    Its a me, Mario!

    "He who takes the past," said the Goblin King, leaning on his staff. "His name is-huh?"

    The vile king's staff was glowing with an odd light.

    It was flashing.

    ?

    None of the four tribes people knew what it was. But the King did. And he was terrified.

    Mario has sent Weegee with his glare.

    "Wait! Wait!" shouted the King, desperately, wheezing. "I wasn't going to tell them anything! I didn't do anything! I'm innocent! Innocent! PLEASE!"

    "What's going on?" whispered Mika.

    "I don't know," muttered Ray.

    Creston/Lia: HURPADUR, well maybe if you looked at the strategy guide.

    The King let out a terrible scream. "NOOOOOOO…I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO GOOOOOOOO…..!"

    "GAAAAAAH!"

    Although Garrett blocked his ears, he could still hear the final scream of the Goblin King,

    That damn Wilheim scream is everywhere!

    ...as he was pulled into a burning fiery vortex, screaming all the way. Eventually, the wretched cries drew to a halt.

    It reminded the caravaners of [s]hell[/s] a justin bieber concert, except the fangirls would just keep screaming.
    And screaming.
    And screaming.


    The Goblin King's crook fell to the ground with a dull thud.

    So why doesn't the big bad just beckon these stupid pricks over and do the same thing to them?

    "He's gone…he was just about to tell us something important, and now he's gone," muttered Sam.

    GK: Just kidding, I was playing dead so I wouldn't have to tell you pricks anything.
    Oh shit, you're still here.


    "Where'd he go?" whispered Garrett.

    "By the looks of it, hell," said Ray darkly. He didn't mean it as a figure of speech. The flames that consumed the hapless ruler were definitely dark and hellish.

    I'm waiting for the day when a villain disappears into a conflagration of bright flowers and blissful happiness. That'll screw with everyone's heads.

    "Well, either way, the village is safe," said Sam, smiling. "Let's go back…to our…friends…"

    and eat some Tombstone pizza! Only 18.97 at your nearest Wallmart!

    "Sam?" asked Mika, as the Clavat staggered. "Sam!"

    Sam had too much LSD that morning. Definitely not the effects of that speel earlier.

    The Clavat fell over, his breath harsh and ragged. Mika examined him after rushing over.

    "We have to get back to the village, quick!" shouted Mika.

    I just remembered I left the iron on! Again!

    "Do you know what's wrong with him?" asked Ray.

    "Not exactly, but common sense is useful right now," responded Mika.

    Something all three of them lack.

    "His heartbeat is erratic, and his breath is shallow. I think the Goblin King's poison spell was more serious than we thought," she paused and felt his forehead. "He has a fever. Ray, Garrett, carry him. If we don't get him back to the village soon, he'll die."

    Good news all around

    OHOHOHOHOHOHO! CLIFFHANGER~

    Santa hopes you all enjoy happy endings!

    I personally LOVED this chapter. I think the whole Goblin King speeches were very deep.

    O rly?

    Favorite parts: The Goblin King telling the caravanners that they aren't very different, Garrett being sprayed with acid,

    Ditto

    ...the death of the King, and the cliffhanging part where Sam is in danger.

    I liked the movie Black Swan, where two girls made out. Hated all that other filler though.

    So down goes the King. He used a lot of big words, hunh?

    I have a great degree of disinclination to gainsay this statement of yours my good chap. Albeit this asinine character of yours did make it a habit to make use of “big words" such as impudent. An iota of proof in your favor, but I cannot corroborate this claim of yours.

    Pity, I sort of liked him. Makes me feel kind of bad for him. But he's evil, so he has to die. Tee-hee.

    He's going to hell! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Anyone who guesses the monster overlord wins a cookie.

    Giant Crab. Cookie nau.

    Also! Notice how I put in a goblin point of view?

    You only spoiled it for us at the beginning of the chapter.

    That's going to come in later. Notice how we slaughter the creatures in the game? The Goblin King reveals the monsters perspective on it. It makes the story a little darker.

    Next Chapter: Sam is sick with a serious fever. The gang plans their next moves. But what is going on in Sam's head?

    Its not a trippy experience, I'll tell you that.
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:56 am


    13. Fever

    Spoiler:

    Here we are again. Another chapter.

    Now listen. This is a short chapter, it just shows what goes on while Sam is sick. Also, THIS IS NOT SAM'S CHARACTER CHAPTER. But it still is mainly about him.

    Its mainly about him but it isn't so there.

    In fact, the character chapters take place in the following areas (in order in which they take place).

    Garrett: Marr's Pass
    Nieta: Alfitaria
    Creston: Shella
    Star: Fields of Fum
    Ray: Conall Curach
    Lianora: Veo Lu Sluice (they go back there a second time to refill the river after the fifth year)
    Mika: Leuda
    Sam: Lynari Desert into Mag Mell. His spans from the middle of Lynari Desert into part of Mag Mell.

    Alright, here we go. By the way, this is going to start from Sam's POV.

    White…

    Interesting

    White and blurry…

    What're you describing here?
    Oh, you're just zoomed in all the way. Idiot.


    That was all he could see, as he heard the strange music that sounded like a lullaby.

    It sounded oddly like Bill Chase's Get It On.

    He felt warm, soft arms around him.

    The land of succubi?

    Then he saw an enormous green blur in front of him.

    Fat succubi?

    "Ah…," came a wise voice. "He looks like a strong child. He is going to become a great man one day."

    ...oh god, nuns?

    A woman's giggles were heard faintly in the background, before the world grew dark…



    Flames…

    Flames turned him on.

    Fire was surrounding him. Yells and screams rang in his ears. Someone crying desperately, louder and louder.

    Sam is leveling up!

    Heat…burning, scorching heat…

    What's this?

    And a loud cackle, that sounded like it was coming from a monster. Then he saw a glowing light, shaped like a person, floating front of him. And then a flash.

    Sam is evolving!

    And then…

    It was cool…

    Calm, and quiet.

    Sam has evolved into Gyarados! He's still worthless, though.

    He felt soft grass tickling his nose. He heard a voice…

    I heard you like mudkips

    "It's safe. You're safe now. He won't get you now, child…you're safe…"

    Who is this he!?
    zOMG DRAMA!


    00000000000000000000000000

    "AHHHHH!" yelled Sam, waking up, eyes wide. Star, who was reading a book, glanced over at him in alarm.

    She just realized she couldn't read!

    "Sam! Calm down!" she urged soothingly.

    Now don't panic. The operation was a partial success. We removed half of your brain and accidentally replaced it with a toaster.

    She put a hand to his forehead, causing him to blush slightly. "Your fever is starting to go down."

    Garrett forgot he left bread in it. How it gained enough electricity to overheat inside your head, I've no idea.

    "Oh…that's…good," murmured Sam, looking away.

    DAMN SHE WAS FAT!

    Star gave him a sympathetic look.

    "It was that same dream again…wasn't it?" she asked. "This is the fourth time you've had it.”

    Yawn

    "I know…," said Sam, rubbing his eyes. "I just wish I knew what it meant!"

    Sam: If only my dreams could speak, then they could tell me what it all means!
    Dream: It means you'll die a virgin unless you marry Garrett.
    Sam:...
    oh god.


    "You'll figure it out…eventually," Star said, giving him a reassuring smile. Sam smiled back at her. She really has a nice smile…

    Dur she so purty...

    Star left the room to go get him some water. Sam fell asleep again.

    White…

    Dammit, Camera man, learn to focus your camera!

    White and burry…

    OH FFS!

    That was all he could see, as he heard the strange music that sounded like a lullaby…

    It sounded like Big Time Rush, his favoritest band in the world!

    000000000000000000000

    Star walked out of the alchemy house, to be met by Nieta and Creston.

    "How is he?" asked Creston.

    "Getting better. Thanks for letting us use your house to keep him in," said Star, stroking her hair.

    Garrett was rubbing off on her.

    "Not a problem," said Creston. "However, not to sound inconsiderate, but we're going to have to get moving soon. We need to get all the way up to the Vale of Alfitaria."

    Nieta shifted her feet awkwardly. "Are we going to be going to Alfitaria?" she asked.

    I DON'T WANT MAH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! BWAAA BWAAA

    "Most likely," said Creston. "It would be a good stop for supplies. Why?"

    "Oh…it's just really busy, that's all," said Nieta.

    "Well, we'll be leaving soon," said Star reassuringly. "He's almost better. He'll be back battling monsters in no time."

    But his ability to eat twenty bananas at the same time has been greatly compromised...he's worthless now.

    Nieta grinned, and Creston seemed to smile.

    They've been practicing.

    "By the way…," commented Star. "Where are the others?"

    Creston groaned, smacking his forehead. "You don't want to know…"

    Instead, I'll tell you the story of a firefighter.
    Some other time.


    0000000000000000000000000

    Mika groaned as a large fish hit her in the back of the head.

    "WILL YOU STOP HAVING FOOD FIGHTS WITH THE FUCKING MERCHANDISE!" she roared, glaring at Ray and Garrett.

    I am bitch, hear me roar.

    Lia just continued sewing herself item pouches, humming merrily.

    Flames turned him on.

    "Uh…technically, I'm not using YOUR "merchandise"," said Garrett, holding up a rather hard looking piece of bread. Mika gave him a death glare.

    Stfu technicality boy, you suck.

    Ray scooted over to Mika and wrapped an arm around her good-naturedly.

    Good naturedly = pervertly.

    "Oh, come on, Mika," he whined. "We've been stuck here for so LOOOOONG! It's not like there's anything else to do. Unless you can think of something to make our time here worthwhile," he said, with his trademark smirk.



    Mika was annoyed, not only by his antics, but the fact that she was blushing. Not that she liked him, but he had a way with words, she had to admit. However, she chose to express her feelings about that idea by flicking the other Selkie in the forehead.

    "Hey!" he shouted, grumbling while rubbing his head.

    Lia continued to hum quietly, blissfully unaware of the impending battle about to unfold in front of her.

    Lia often was in her own little world. Beats being with these pricks.

    Three days later, Sam had completely recovered from his sick spell, and the caravan left the village again.

    ...well that sickness was brief and pointless.

    "Sorry I held you all up," said Sam, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "But don't worry…we'll make up for lost time…we're going to get the myrrh twice as fast this year!"

    Everyone cheered as the Tipa caravan moved merrily on.

    As I said, this chapter was short.

    I didn't notice.

    Can anyone guess where Sam's dream took place? If you guess correctly, you get an internet cookie, and a chapter shall be dedicated to you.

    The land of succubi and Tom Hanks, River Belle Path. I'll take your donations now.
    No really, plane of memories or something like FFX's farplane. The realm of memories.


    Favorite parts: Sam's dream, and the fish hitting Mika. And Lia's humming.

    Next Chapter : On the road again! Although the caravanners are all more united now, will it last?

    Holy shit, unity in the caravan. All right, Ray has to pull a dick move, fast.
    ...I guess I'll tell the story of the firefighter now.
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:57 am

    14. Back on Track

    Spoiler:

    Ta-da! Another Chapter. Sorry I haven't updated sooner. I've been REALLY busy.

    Busy doing nothing.

    This Chapter basically covers the first half of the journey from Tipa to the Vale of Alfitaria (from Tipa to Marr's Pass.

    Summary: The caravan gets lost, then they find that Garrett was directing the Caravan. Team prick then realizes their stupidity, and then gets shit done. By getting shit done, I mean absolutely nothing as well as adding sexual tension. Everyday combat, really.

    I'm going to make some stuff happen earlier than in the game (like meeting Gurdy and other special events, like De Nam. Just an FYI)

    Cool.

    ALSO: I made a couple mistakes in the last chapter: when I said Creston's character chapter was in Shella, I also meant to write that it also took place in Rebena Te Ra. Another goof was that I forgot to show the scene in Goblin Wall when the caravan gets the myrrh.

    I also didn't include the letter writing scene, as they were returning to Tipa anyway.

    THIS MEETING HAS BEEN AJOURNED *GONG BANG*

    Well, shit, I didn't pay attention to any of that. What was this meeting about again?

    00000000000000000

    "So what you're basically saying is that while you were fighting the Goblin King, Mog took the tree's myrrh by himself?" asked Nieta.

    "Basically," said Sam.

    "So if he can get the myrrh by himself, why do we have to be sent out?" asked Nieta.

    Nieta: WHY DO WE DO THIS BULLSHIT!? I HATE YOU ALL!

    "Because there's a chance that a moogle will be killed by a Goblin Army," said Creston smoothly.

    That'd be interesting, actually. Outsourcing makes everything better!

    This response silenced Nieta.

    Author: And hopefully all my readers and any potential MSTers.

    "So what's the plan?" shouted Ray from the front of the caravan, as he steered it, almost going off the road.

    ...sadly, he was one of their best drivers.

    "Keep your eyes on the road!" exclaimed Star next to him, and Ray returned his focus to the trail ahead.

    Jeez Ray, didn't you take driver's ed?

    "I say we get to the Vale of Alfitaria, and then we head for either Alfitaria or Tida," said Creston.

    Sam: OMG TIDA, LET'S ALL PUT OUR SHOCKED FACES ON!

    "Alfitaria," said Mika. "We'll need supplies." Creston nodded.

    Sam: ...what the hell, guys?

    "And after Tida, Moschet Manor," said Sam. "And then we're done. Again."

    "Did any of you find the miasma stream's element while you were on the way to Goblin Wall?" asked Lia.

    Author: HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT ELSE I FORGOT!

    "No," Sam responded. "We were too busy worrying about the village."

    Ray glanced at the miasma stream ahead. "There's a ton of red smoke around there. You can see it from here. I'm guessin' that means we need the fire element."

    Cerston:No, that just means my exgirlfriend has learned how to give of red smoke on command. If you must know, my exgirlfriend is an ogre. We broke up after she discovered, somehow, that I was a yuke.

    Garrett sighed. "We'd better stop at stupid Goblin Wall…" he muttered.

    Garrett, who're you to talk?

    000000000000000000000000

    After a brief trip and a couple of dead bats, the caravan rolled up to the miasma stream with the chalice.

    THOSE GODDAMN BATS.

    "Okay…here we go," muttered Sam.

    They stepped into the stream.

    It was twenty feet deeper than they had expected. Oops, end of story.

    000000000000000000000000

    "DAMNIT!" shouted Garrett, as his hair tuft caught on fire for the third time.

    I like this place.

    "Again?" asked Lia sympathetically. When the Miasma Stream's element was water, they got drenched. Now, with a fire element, flames randomly appeared, and things caught on fire.

    HOLY SHIT! THIS WORLD CAN BE LOGICAL!

    "I friggin' hate this," yelped Garrett, pouring some spring water on his head. "How much longer until we get out?"

    It'll get longer if you keep whining. Really, the more you complain about this fanfiction, the longer it gets.
    Hell, I should shut up now.


    "Calm down Garrett," snapped Creston. "A warrior doesn't whine about pain!"

    This statement shut Garrett up for the rest of the way through.

    It worked!?
    Hey Garrett, a real warrior never breathes!


    "So…if this stream is fire…than the next one has to be water, seeing as the Iron Mine Downs can only be water or fire elements," said Lia.

    "What if it's wind or earth?" asked Nieta nervously.

    Then we're f'd

    "If it's wind, we swim across the Jegon River and get the wind element from Selepation Cave," answered Ray.

    Because we can all pull a Michael Phelps, without resorting to drugs, Sam.

    "But if it's earth, perhaps we should just through the warrior into the stream," said Creston. "After all, his head is like a rock."

    Creston is logical. Sigh, a point in his favor.

    Garrett was fuming, but he took Creston's words to heart and kept his mouth shut. As they exited the Miasma Stream, Creston spoke once more.

    "Of course, the Lilty warrior boy is a very good chef, so we'll need to keep him around to make delicious bread for us," mused Creston thoughtfully.

    Creston is the only one here with foresight and logic.

    "CRESTON!" roared Garrett.

    Creston: U mad Garrett?

    As the caravan rolled to Mushroom Forest to change their chalice (just in case), three figures burst out of some bushes in front of them.

    Those three worms were back. Damn, how I hate recycled minibosses!

    "Who are you?" gasped Star.

    le Gasp, its the undescribed danger!

    The leader, a young male Selkie, answered. "We're the roughest and greatest thieves in the world!"

    But we suck at stealing things!

    "Yeah!" said an old man next to him.

    That's the only word this poor old man knows.

    "We're the Striped Brigands, kupo!" said a striped purple and gray moogle.

    Mog's Archnemisis, Striped purple and gray moogle!.

    "Can't say I've heard of you," said Ray, walking right past them.

    Striped Brigands: We've got striped apples!
    Ray: I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!


    "Yeah, your names don't ring a bell," said Nieta, also walking by them.

    To be fair, they've probably never heard of the Tipa Caravan before. I mean, I've heard of team Prick, but this Caravan is nothing.

    "Don't make fun of us, punks!" shouted the leader. "We NEVER get caught, we're wicked strong, and no one in their right mind would ever mess with us, or get on our bad side. You got that!"

    Then he pulled the Fat Man out of his pocket. Team Prick then knew: Shit just got real.

    He looked and saw that the caravan had moved right past them, ignoring their presence.

    What do you mean you're disagreeing with me!? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH!?

    "Uh boss…I think they got away…"

    Really?

    "Does this mean we have to go hungry, kupo?"

    "…damn."

    Young Dude: Curses, maybe if we actually were thieves.
    Old Fart: Yeah!
    Moogle: Wait, we don't have a chalice on us. How're you two alive?
    Old Fart: Yeah?
    Young Dude: ...
    FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU


    The caravan pulled into Marr's Pass, so they could spend the night. The moon was already high in the sky.

    In the world final fantasy crystal chronicles, even the celestial bodies are always high.

    "Alright, let's check into an inn," said Creston.

    AND MAKE THE MOST AWKWARD ARRANGEMENTS POSSIBLE.

    "And you're not going to go beating up trees at three in the morning," muttered Nieta, so only Garrett could hear.



    Garrett's face flushed. "Sh-shut up!"

    He was turned on by people who could remember what happened 5 or so chapters ago.

    As Creston walked over to talk with the manager of an inn, Sam flopped onto a bench.

    Sam: Hurr, I love dis Bench.

    Star sat next to him, looking concerned.

    She thought he though she was purty. But now he found the bench purty. Consistency was all she wanted.

    "How are you feeling?" she asked.

    Star: Why the hell are you humping that bench?

    "Better than I was," said Sam. "All thanks to you."

    Star blushed a little. "No, everyone helped," she said, smiling a little. "But I'm glad you're feeling better."

    Sam: Hurr, [s]his[/s] smile is purty.

    "Me too," said Sam. They both laughed.

    Q: What the hell are they laughing about?
    A: They both remembered: No one really cared about Sam.


    Ray glanced over at the two, with Garrett and Nieta next to him.

    "Would ya look at that?" commented Ray. "Those two are certainly friendly."

    "Yeah…," said Nieta.

    "I dunno…I think they might be more than that," said Garrett, scratching his head.

    Garrett: THEY'RE BOTH TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!

    "Nah, they're not together yet, I can tell," said Ray knowingly. "Trust me. But it might not be too long before they are…heh heh."

    Garrett: Ray, who do you think’ll stab who first?
    Ray: ...Sam'll stab Star first. Its obvious, he's male.
    Nieta: Dur, all backstabbers are male!
    Ray: ... you two are completely missing the point...


    Creston walked back over to Mika and Lianora. "Well?" asked Lia.

    Mika: WELL WHAT BITCH, WHAT YOU WANT!? I AM BITCH, HEAR ME ROAR!

    Creston sighed. "He's saying no. Stupid Selkie. No offense," he said to Mika.

    Hey I like that, stupid Selkie. Alliteration makes everything better.

    "None taken," said Mika. "So you're saying he's a Selkie?"

    Creston:Not just any selkie...
    a stupid selkie.
    Everyone: le GASP


    "Yes," confirmed Creston. "Why?"

    Why so stupid Creston? One point from you.

    "Wait here," said Mika, rolling her eyes.

    BITCH POWERS, GO!

    She walked up to the inn's manager and leaned on the desk. "Excuse me?" she said in an innocent voice.

    Innocent, like hell.

    The manager looked up. Wow, she was a looker. "How can I help you, miss?" he asked, blushing.

    He hoped they weren't related.

    "Well you see," Mika said in a false tone of upset.

    SHE LIES

    "My friends and I need a room to stay in sooo badly. One of them was recently ill, and he can't go on like this…do you think you could tell me where I could find an inn with a large room?"

    She tells truth!? BULLSHIT.

    "W-we have a room!" said the manager. "For 300 gil, it can be yours. Lots of comfortable beds and such."

    I usually use it for...y'know. I wouldn't recommend sleeping on any of them...they're uh...yeah...stained.

    "The price is a bit high. Can you lower it for me, Mr. Manager? Pleaaaase?" she asked flirtatiously, winking at him.

    ...

    "F-f-free of all charge. No cost at all. Take it!" he said.

    I tried that once. Got myself kicked out of a hotel, but not in record time.

    "Oh, thanks! I don't know what I could've done without you!" said Mika with fake thankfulness in her voice.

    Manager: Great, now where am I going to host the bachelor party?

    She walked back to Creston.

    Who was a mile away. It was one huge inn, really.

    "Well?" he asked.

    "I got us a free big room," said Mika, sigh exasperatedly. "The idiot fell for an age-old Selkie trick."

    We selkies nicknamed it the crotchshot. Get your mind out of the gutter.

    "What trick?" asked Creston, bemused.

    I am interested in this hax of yours, oh great haxxor Mika.

    "Don't worry about it."

    Gtfo nub.

    "Well, it's a good room, but there are a few problems," said Creston.

    kbeans.

    "Like what?" asked Sam.

    "Like the fact that there's eight of us and only six beds," groaned Garrett.

    How would he know this, none of them have seen their room yet.

    "Well, a few of us can bunk together," said Star. "It won't hurt anyone."

    It'll only scar us socially inept teenagers for life. Not a problem at all.

    Garrett promptly chose the bed in the furthest corner of the room and dropped his stuff on it. "Mine."

    Garrett snarled and growled at anyone who came close. He then howled - taunt in the faces of team prick, that's a great idea.

    "We haven't decided anything yet," pointed out Lia.

    Lia: I WANT THE CORNER BED! BWAAAH BWAAA.

    "Well, I'm not sharing, and last time I slept near someone, I woke up to find them on top of me," growled Garrett.

    Nieta's face reddened, and she managed not to say a stinging retort.

    She was turned on by guys who could remember what happened ten chapters ago.

    "Sam'll have to sleep alone, for medical reasons," said Creston. "We don't know if he's completely cured, even it seems like it. The Goblin King may have done more damage than expected."

    The Goblin King hit his weak point for massive damage. He'll need time to recover.

    Sam nodded, and went over and picked his bed.

    Sam: Curses, I get to share with no one! DAMN YOU GOBLIN KING! DAMN YOU!

    "Now what?" asked Lia. "Four beds left, and six of us."

    "And me, kupo!" shouted Mog indignantly.

    "I call sharing with Mog!" shouted Nieta, grabbing the moogle and rushing over to a bed as far away from Garrett as possible.

    BEASTIALITY

    "Wait…that's not fair!" shouted Ray. "She can't do that! Now she doesn't have to share a bed!"

    Author: Yeah, cause Mog is unimportant.
    Mog: Yeah, even the author forgets me quite often. I'm not complaining, I'm not even supposed to be in the multi[s]player[/s]prick version.


    "Oh well," sighed Creston. "It doesn't matter."

    "Who gets the last single bed?" asked Mika.

    "Well, I'm willing to share with anyone," said Star sheepishly.

    She gets around the caravan. Everyone knew her well.

    "No, you don't have to. Actually, I have a better idea," said Creston. "You sleep alone in the bed near Sam's. That way, if you need to get up and check on him, you won't disturb anyone else."

    Star: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Lia yawned. "I guess you and me are sharing then, huh Creston?"

    "Yes…that's alright," said Creston. "I probably won't sleep much,

    Cause I'll be-

    ...seeing that I'll be planning our journey for a while."

    Smooth Creston. Real smooth.

    "But that only leaves…," began Mika.

    "OH NO! NO WAY!" shouted Ray and Mika, both glaring at each other.

    Ray and Mika are capable of being logical!?
    BULLSHIT.


    "Wait…you DON'T want to stay in a bed with me?" asked Mika. "Even though you always flirt with me?"

    Ray: Yeah, you're not in control of your bitch powers, Mika. I dun't wanna get neudered.

    "Don't flatter yourself," retorted Ray. "I only do that because it's fun and it gets rid of my boredom."

    Ouch.

    "Oh, so I'm not good enough?" shouted Mika. "You just think I'm a toy to entertain you?"

    Yes, but honestly my dear, I say much worse things about you.

    "Basically," answered Ray.

    Oh Ray, having to shorten everything I say.

    "Hmmph…in that case, we're staying in the same bed, whether you like it or not," said Mika, glowering at him.

    I'll counter your assholeness by forcing you to sleep with me! This plan is brilliant!

    "What!" exclaimed Ray. "Why!"

    You're forcing me to sleep you with you!? THERE'S NO WORSE PUNISHMENT THAN THAT! CURSE YOU, MIKA!

    "Because I'm doing it to annoy you," said Mika, putting down her things.

    "Fine…," groaned Ray. Mika turned and unpacked her things. While she wasn't looking, Ray grinned, and flashed a thumbs up to Garrett, who stifled a laugh.

    Mika had turned around. She then pulled a chainsaw out of her hammerspace.Indescribable violence then occured.

    Creston noticed the gesture.

    Dear god, don't tell me he faked all of that just to ENSURE he'd stay in the same bed as Mika, thought the Yuke disgustedly.

    [s]No, he just winged it. I do it all the time to sleep with Mika[/s]
    Yeah, that Ray is a sneaky little bastard.


    Eventually, they all settled and went to sleep.

    We're done. Not much went on in this chapter.

    BESIDES AWKWARD SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS.
    Really, that took up most the chapter.


    Favorite parts: Fire in the Miasma stream, striped brigands, Mika getting the room, and the bed issues.

    Don't get any ideas about Creston and Lianora/Ray and Mika in the same beds. It's just because I wanted to add some humor in.

    Oh, because no one would do a fanfiction of a fanfiction. That'd just be plagerism, man!

    Ray is a clever little bastard, isn't he?

    Oh yeah, he's got something coming real soon.

    And now I've started to add some subtle hints at crushes and relationships! Tee hee hee.

    Subtle hints? I noticed none.
    TELL ME.


    Oh, the joy of messing with love. Ahahaha!

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAwhyamIlaughing?

    Next Chapter: The gang makes it into the Vale of Alfitaria. But a battle erupts between Nieta and Garrett (we're not talking verbal. We're talking weapons and sharp objects, people).

    ...
    I think it would be a good time to point out that all lilties have a fetish for metal.
    Just saying.
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    Soul
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:58 am


    15. Fear and Anger: The Lilties Fight!

    Spoiler:

    Hello. Welcome back!

    Yawn

    This part of the story contains the second part of the journey to Alfita-

    *distant explosion*

    ...damn alarm clocks need to be louder.

    Sorry about that. The Goblin King is still angry about his death, and we are being forced to use drastic measures to subdue him.

    Against a ghost. Why do we care, even?

    Goblin King: I WILL HAVE MY VENEGANCE!

    Just call the ghostbusters, seriously. Just as long as they don't cross the streams, we'll be fine.

    Anyways, ignoring him, on with the story.

    Oh, that's going to bite you in the ass later. The Goblin King'll cite this when he sues you.

    Mika yawned as the sunshine shone through the window. She snuggled deeper into her pillow, trying to block out the rays, but to no avail.

    I love the use of the word ‘rays' here.

    Opening her eyes, she looked up.

    Something henchmen of all villians need to learn to do.

    The "pillow" turned out to be Ray's chest. His eyes locked with hers, and twinkled with mischief.

    He had been watching her all night, waiting for this moment.

    "Mornin', beautiful," he greeted, tauntingly. Mika's eye widened and then narrowed. She opened her mouth angrily but Ray's hand covered it up.

    STFU BITCH, YOUR BITCH POWERS MEAN NOTHING HERE!

    "Shhh…," he said, making a "zipping" motion. "Everyone else is asleep, god."

    Mika is god?
    Oh, we're f'd.


    "You're the deep sleeper," hissed Mika. "How are you awake?"

    Ray winced. "You kneed me in my private area about 10 minutes ago in your sleep, and woke me up.

    Even in sleep, Mika was dedicated to routinely give Ray crotchshots. Consistency here is nice.

    Sheesh. Since then, I've just been trying to get some rest, and watching Lia snuggling Creston is pretty worthwhile too.

    I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE AWKWARDNESS.
    No really, just get it over with...


    Mika glanced over and saw the female Yuke clutching Creston's arm as if it were a stuffed animal. Creston seemed to be asleep, breathing gently. Garrett kept muttering threats in his sleep, as if he was fighting,

    He was fighting a pillow and losing.

    ...while Nieta cuddled Mog as she snored gently.

    Understatement here. Nieta's snores shook then entire [s]room[/s] [s]building[/s] world.

    Sam and Star were both sleeping soundly.

    "Whatever," she said. "Don't tell anyone about this incident, okay? I was asleep so it doesn't count-"

    She stopped talking.

    YES

    Ray had fallen asleep again.

    Good call, Ray. Still, nobody loves you. Except Robert, but even he's sarcastic about it.

    0000000000000000000000000

    Later on, after everyone had woken up and packed their things, the caravan set off again. On the way, however, they crossed paths with another caravan.

    They were then challenged to a dance-off. Sam fell on his ass to open the battle, and his opponents died laughing. So did team prick.

    "Eh? What's going on?" asked Star.

    It was the caravan from Marr's Pass, and they seemed to be arguing with someone. This someone seemed to be a Clavat wearing a hat, a long pink coat.

    Oh, just the usual Clavat NPC wearing a long pink coat. They're everywhere. Someone should call an exterminator, really.

    His hair was brown and curly.

    THAT'S TOTALLY UNIQUE! This guy must be a boss or something important to the plot!

    (Author's Note: I can't remember the exact dialogue of this scene, so I'm just going to do the end and tweak it a little)

    "That's it; we've had enough of your stories!" shouted one caravanner, a Lilty.

    Oh come on, who could get tired of the story of the firefighter?

    "Wait, don't leave me!" cried the Clavat.

    "Nope, we're gone!" shouted another Lilty. "You're on your own, pal! We part ways here!"

    Marr’s Pass Caravan:You suck more than that guy from Team Prick. Gayret, I think his name was.
    Garrett: At least my name’s getting out there, unlike you suckers.


    As the caravan of fuming Lilties rode away (although they kindly waved to the Tipa caravan as they left),

    LET'S ALL BE BIPOLAR.

    Sam offered the lone traveler some assistance. The abandoned Clavat walked up to them.

    "How incredibly rude of them," said the Clavat. "I was only telling them stories I have learned.

    Of course, they always were the but of the joke. I wonder why they didn't like my stories.

    ...But anyways, thank you for saving me. My name is Gurdy."

    We haven't saved you yet, dumbass.

    "Uh…my name is Sam," said Sam. Everyone quickly introduced themselves.

    Gurdy ignored all of them. Just a bunch of nameless pricks, he thought.

    "I am grateful for your help," said Gurdy. "But don't worry; I'll leave as soon as we pass another caravan. Oh, by the way, here's a reward for saving me."

    Gurdy stood still, thought for a moment, and recited a poem:

    "Lightning brings the cactus pain,

    Now it all begins again."

    Garrett: His poem rhymed, he must be brilliant.

    Gurdy thought for a moment. "Was it lightning? Or was it thunder? Either way, they're almost the same thing…"

    Lightning and thunder are definitely the same thing. Any man or woman of science would agree with him.

    Everyone else remained silent, although Sam was deep in thought.

    DUR THAT POEM WAS PURTY.

    Where have I heard that before…? he pondered.

    "Ugh…here we are again…," groaned Garrett, glaring at the miasma stream ahead as if he could kill it.

    I killed a miasma stream in Reno for the lulz.
    It was lulzy.


    "At least it's water," commented Lianora. "So we don't have to swim across the Jegon River."

    "No, but we have to go through the pouring rain in this stream," complained Ray. "First we're scorched, now we're showered."

    BWAA BWAA BWAA

    The gang marched into the miasma stream, the heavy rain drenching them.

    But Mika was dry. Her bitch powers worked wonders here.

    "Well…," drawled Creston. "This is just LOVELY."

    This is good weather for New York. Stfu Creston.

    "Creston, don't be so sarcastic," said Star.

    Stfu Star, you're completely missing the point.

    "How does he get away with it?" asked Garrett to Ray. "No one even hit him."

    In response, Mika crotchshotted Ray and then Garrett. Creston was immune to her bitch powers. Sarcasm trumps all, even bitch powers!

    Ray shrugged. "I guess the others just don't like you, pal."

    In other words, you just suck that bad, Garrett.

    Garrett groaned. "Thanks Ray. Thanks."

    They eventually reached the other side of the wet stream, and gazed at the land around them.

    "Wow…," said Sam. "It's so different around here…"

    The Vale of Alfitaria was very mountainous, covered with rock and stone. In the distance, they could see the tall towers of Alfitaria. In another direction they could see a bare outline of Moschet Manor. And far off in the east, the gang saw black clouds looming gloomily over a small village. Tida.

    BLACK CLOUDS OF OMINOUSNESSICTITY!? WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?

    "It's pretty dark," said Mika, stretching. "We've been moving all day. Can we set up camp nearby?"

    Mika: Hurr, speaking of dark things...

    Lia nodded. "Yes. Let's just go a little bit further."

    00000000000000000000000000000

    "So…where first?" asked Ray, taking a large bite out of a striped apple.

    Ray depended on [s]drugs[/s] striped apples to ease his worry away. It beat alcohol.

    "Alfitaria…or Tida?"

    Ray: Or how about screw it!? Very Happy

    Everyone was silent around the campfire, as sparks flew into the cold, night sky.

    Ray was unfunny.

    "Well…," said Sam. "I say we go to Alfitaria first. We need to stock up on supplies. And a rest would be good…"

    "We've rested long enough," argued Mika, shaking her head. "We can't afford to waste time. You KNOW what will happen if we don't make it to Tipa back on time. I say Tida."

    Eh, Tipa, Tida, same damn thing.

    "But Sam can't afford to go out just yet," said Lianora, scratching her feathered arm. "He's still sick. I vote Alfitaria. We could find a better doctor."

    "We can't just decide," said Nieta. "We need to vote or something…"



    "Let's all vote then," said Creston. Everyone nodded.

    Sam, Lia, and Garrett all voted for Alfitaria. Creston and Mika both voted to go to Tida. Star scratched her head and thought for a while, before she voted for Alfitaria. Nieta voted for Tida without hesitation.

    Everyone looked at Ray. The Selkie male looked at them all. "Oh, I'm not voting. I really don't care what we do."

    Ray: I don't give a damn about Sam, or Alfitaria or...shit, what rhymes with Alfitaria!? DAMMIT.

    "Well, it's 4-3," said Garrett, grinning. "Alfitaria it is."

    "What!" cried Nieta, her face desperate. "Ray, come on, vote for Tida!"

    Nieta is a horrible lobbyist.

    "Meh…do I have to?" asked Ray.

    Hum...listen to an annoying bitch, or aggrivate a bitch? Such a hard decision!

    "Wait a minute…," said Garrett, thinking for a moment.

    Oh, I love oxymorons.

    He gave Nieta a hard stare.

    "Why do you want to go to Tida so badly?" asked Garrett suspiciously.

    Well, the drinking age there is lower.

    "What do you mean?" asked Nieta.

    "Mika and Creston want to go there because it'll make us get the stupid myrrh quicker. Why would YOU vote for Tida?" asked Garrett again. "You HATE spooky stuff, and let's face it, Tida is pretty damn spooky."

    Nay, its sorta like Greenland. Everyone thinks its some sort of green paradise, but its just a shitty sheet of ice.

    "You know, Nieta," said Creston suddenly. "He DOES raise a valid point, no matter how small his brain is. Why DO you want to go to Tida?"

    "What, you afraid of the big city?" asked Garrett, smirking mockingly. Nieta's eyes flashed. "Tough, little Nieta, afraid of getting lost and not being able to find her friends? All alone…”

    Garrett didn't even catch Creston's insult.

    "Why don't you want to go to Tida?" retorted Nieta. "Doubting your warrior skills? Think it'd be safer to sit in the city and make bread?"

    She hit three of his weak points with one hypercharged attack! Triple massive damage has been dealt!

    Garrett looked like he'd been slapped in the face.

    Garrett's ego points are cut in half!

    A deathly hush fell around the campfire.

    Even Mika's bitchiness stat was nulled.

    "What was that, you little rat?" growled Garrett. "What'd you just say?"



    "You heard me," responded Nieta coldly.

    Garrett is deaf and dumb, Nieta. How dare you insult a sucky prick that cannot hear nor understand you?

    "You guys-," began Lianora, but Creston signaled her to remain quiet.

    WITH THE FLYING BIRD OF HAPPINESS.

    "You think I doubt my strength?" asked Garrett, his eyes burning with ferocious rage. "I could take you so easily, girl, you wouldn't even see it coming."

    Just like I showed that pillow last night! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM UNSTOPPABLE!

    "Oh, what would you do?" asked Nieta, rolling her eyes. "Throw a stale, hard loaf of bread at me, miller boy?"

    Garrett: ...hey, everyone needs a projectile in a fighting game! Ryu has hadokens, Ray and Mika have projectiles and shitty aura blasts, I got stale bread!

    Garrett drew his spear so fast it took everyone a moment to register the motion.

    I foresaw this move and played a trap card.

    With a snarl, he leaped over the fire and swung his spear furiously at Nieta.

    Everyone started laughing when his pants caught fire.

    Nieta ducked, astonished, but a moment later, her weapon was out, and she leaped furiously to attack the male Lilty.

    "No!" shouted Star, in a shocked voice. "Both of you, cut it out!"

    Star: You might kill each other!
    Creston: Wouldn't that be a good thing?
    Star: I'll shut up now.


    The two furious Lilties paid no attention to her. Their spears clashing, causing sparks to fly, as the two short people fought each other brutally.

    Ray went to sleep. The fight was lame. He might as well try to defeat his pillow again, for the 3000th time.

    "Damnit, Garrett! Dude, chill out!" shouted Ray, leaping up.

    "Calm down, Nieta," pleaded Lianora fearfully. "No one needs to get hurt!"

    Mika: Even Ray?
    Lia: No, he deserves another crotchshot.
    Ray: I do, actually. WAIT WTF.

    Lianora/Lia consistency, yay!


    Nieta, gritting her teeth, swung her spear in a wide arc, which Garrett barely had time to duck under.

    Swing and flail widely. Great strategy.

    The angry male lunged forward with his spear. A small cut appeared on the side of Nieta's face, a couple drops of blood dripping out of it.

    Just a couple drops, nothing serious.

    Star tried to talk to the battling duo, but she couldn't get through to them. Sam stood next to her, trembling. Trembling with anger. He looked over to the two, his normally kind eyes more ferocious than the two Lilties combined.

    PSEUDOLEADERSHIP TIME.

    "THAT'S ENOUGH!" he shouted.

    Everyone turned to face the Clavat. Garrett and Nieta both looked stunned. Garrett, in his bewilderment, dropped his lance.

    Yawn.

    "You both are acting so stupid, it makes me sick!" he yelled. "We're supposed to be doing what's best for others, not ourselves. We're supposed to be helping each other deal with problems, not taunting each other with them. We shouldn't be tainting our weapons with the blood of our friends."

    Nope, not dramatic enough.

    He nodded stiffly to Garrett's fallen spear.

    Ray and Creston had restrained Garrett and Nieta, before anything else could happen.

    Why, they're dumbstruck.

    "Do you two want to kill each other?" demanded Sam.

    Yes.

    "Is that it? Abandon your mission, and just try to weaken the caravan,

    Yes, Sam. FFS, man.

    ...and our friendships?

    What friendships are you speaking of here, Sam?

    What would your FAMILIES think?"

    They'd say go for it.

    Nieta and Garrett both looked shocked. Sam let out a huge breath, as if he had been holding it for a long time.

    His record was four hours. Beat that, David Blane.

    Ray and Mika shared a worried look, while Creston just sighed.

    Same here, Creston.

    Lianora shook her head.

    A muffled sob snapped everyone out of the daze. Star had a single tear travelling down her face.

    It took a rest stop in her mouth, then decided to turn around and go back to its home in her eye. It forgot to bring a camera.

    "Sam's right," she said, sniffing. "We should be fighting the monsters…not each other…"

    Creston: Monsters! HA! I'd rather fight thirst, with DIET COKE. Only -6 calories!

    Everyone looked at her.

    Damn, she was ugly.

    She was right. And soon they went to bed. But the tension of the night's events still remained in the night sky above.

    Simba: Can you feel the love tonight?
    Oh wait...


    0000000000000000000000

    Well another chapter complete.

    I deserve experience points for sitting through this.

    In contrast to most chapters, which were either filled with action or humor, this one is rather dark, eh?

    No.
    I'm also confused where the humor is. As well as the action.


    Favorite parts: Mika and Ray in the morning, the battle between Nieta and Garrett. And ESPECIALLY Star's last line at the end of the chapter. Just like it. No matter how cheesy.

    My favorite part was the dog whisperer's cameo.

    So I have added in Gurdy. He shall be appearing more later on.

    In your dreams, probably.

    My goal is to NOT RUSH Alfitaria, because I'm so excited to get working on Tida.

    Tida heard. They evacuated last year, feel free to start anytime now.

    But a heads up: only three caravanners are going to Tida: Creston, Nieta, and Star.

    But not mog, no one likes that guy. I'll probably forget about him anyway.

    I'm especially excited about Tida because I LOVE the way I'm going to portray Armstrong (one of my favorite bosses in the game).

    Armstrong is a house. You just get all sorts of quirky enemies in this game.

    Next Chapter: Alfitaria! The big city awaits the weary travelers. Shopping sprees and mysteries galore.

    ...if you just stopped at mysteries, I would've forgiven you for even having another city chapter. The word galore...good lord, it makes me tea rage.

    And a certain female Lilty's secret is about to be revealed…

    Ray: Garrett it a female!? MOAR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!?

    Lianora: Oh, I believe it is my turn to request a review. So um…please! Review! Reviewing shall donate money to pay for Sam's doctoring bills.

    Who is this Lianora?

    Sam: What doctoring bills?

    Ray: ...well, Garrett got another gender change, so...

    Creston: Shhhh!

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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:59 am


    16. Nobility: Lady Nieta?

    Spoiler:
    I hope you all enjoyed the cliffhanger! I'm so evil.

    You are, for other reasons.

    So, with the Goblin King successfully subdued, and with the plotline secure,

    There's a plotline?

    I can start the lovely Alfitaria chapter! Hoorah!

    Yawn

    So for this chapter, we learn more about Nieta's story-



    Orc King: I AWAKE! I KILL WRITER FOR KILLING OFF ME!

    Well…I've gotta run! So…uh…read this while you wait! Bye!

    Orc King: I GET YOU!

    [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p310Y0tctr8[/video]
    This is a re-enactment of that chase scene. The author, of course, is the one who does the needless jumps.


    That night, Creston had awoken and sat by a river. He quietly skipped rocks across the stream.

    Little did he know, Garrett decided to go swimming. Creston unknowingly solved all the caravans problems by skipping a rock into his head.

    He heard a groan next to him.

    OH SHIT A CREEPER.

    Ray was rubbing his eyes.

    Oh, just Ray.
    OH SHIT A CREEPER.


    "I'll take my watch now," yawned the Selkie, gazing at Creston with half-closed eyes.

    "No…," said Creston. "You don't have to. I'm not very tired."

    Creston is so pro, he never has to sleep.

    Ray glanced at Creston.

    "Still worried about what happened between those two, eh?"

    Creston: I've stopped caring.

    "…yeah. Now get some rest. You'll need it."

    "Whatever, man," said Ray, before turning over in his sleeping bag.

    Creston then heard a rustle. It was soft, but still loud enough to hear.

    OMG OMG OMG A RUSTLE WHAT COULD IT BE!?

    "Who's awake?" he asked.

    "Me," said Lianora, getting out of her bunk.

    Creston: Dammit, why did I ask.

    "Oh…," muttered Creston, looking back at her. "Get back to bed. You don't have a watch tonight."

    "I can't sleep," replied the female Yuke, walking over and sitting beside him. "I still can't believe how those two went at each other…"

    I can't believe Sam stopped them with his ‘leadership skills'. Everyone usually ignores him, that was quite different.

    "Nor can I," agreed Creston, scratching his arm. "It's disturbing, that's for sure. We can't have our caravan infighting. Maybe you should try and find out what's bugging Nieta. Then maybe we can figure out the problem."

    Lia nodded. She stood up. "I'd better get back to bed."

    "No. You can stay. I mean, if you want to," said Creston, the last part added hastily. Lia looked over at him, and Creston knew she was smiling.

    There was evidence in the pixels.

    "Hee hee…alright then…"

    Hints at romance. Yay.

    0000000000000000000000

    Mika was walking beside Ray at the front of the caravan. "Well…things are looking a bit better than last night, hunh?"

    Ray: No, you're still ugy as hell.

    Ray snorted loudly. "Well, instead of fighting each other, they're giving each other the silent treatment. I suppose that's better, but not by much."

    Its better. It makes this chapter shorter, but not by much.

    The two Selkies glanced backwards. Garrett and Nieta were on complete opposite sides of the road, determined not to even cast as much as a glance into the other Lilty's direction.

    "Sheesh…you think something upset them or something," said Ray sarcastically.

    Sarcasm!? My detectors sense none!

    Mika gave him a withering look.

    Ray withered. The two lilties cheered and hugged it each other. Then they resumed hating each other.

    "This isn't a joke," she scolded halfheartedly. She was used to his antics by now.

    He's nothing compared to me.

    "I hear ya, I hear ya," muttered Ray, glancing at her. "Although I'm kind of surprised that we're getting along so well."

    Mika: True. Care for a crotchshot?
    Ray: Why not.


    Mika looked over at him. "Well…think of it as making exceptions. A strong caravan requires people who work well with each other. And seeing that you and I didn't exactly start out on good terms, I suppose I'm just gonna have to-"

    Mika couldn't finish, she dreaded it. Character development. It makes monsters of us all.

    "You're starting to like me," finished Ray.

    That's what she fears.

    "Yes," answered Mika, then covering her mouth quickly. Ray grinned. Mika did not.

    "Don't worry!" said Ray cheerfully. "I'm glad we can be friends! Maybe ya won't kick me in the crotch as much now!"

    Mika: I won't. I'll start kicking you in the crotch with a halberd now.

    That made Mika smile a little. "Don't be too sure…," she said, smirking.

    What I just said.

    "We're here," said Sam. Nieta let out a quiet gasp. She wasn't prepared for this. Only Garrett had heard the noise.

    What, not Creston? He can hear rustles from a mile away!

    The tall gate of Alfitaria stood imperiously before them. The architecture of the gate (and the city behind it) was large and incredibly fancy. It definitely showed how many Lilties still believed in their superiority.

    I love how fantasy stories always give all short people the Napoleon complex.

    "Nice…," said Ray, grinning appreciatively. "Fancy. Suits my style."

    Ray has style. Sometimes this author is hilarious.

    "Oh please," said Creston shortly.

    "Well…what are we waiting for?" asked Star excitedly. "Let's go!"

    With a feeling of dread, Nieta followed her seven friends into the city.

    Jeez, I wonder why.

    00000000000000000000000000000

    "Whoa…I thought Marr's Pass was busy," said Sam, amazed.

    Star's eyes were wide with wonder. "It's a lot bigger when you're inside of the city, isn't it?"

    "Well, I'm going to go get supplies," said Sam. "Wanna come with me?"

    "Sure!" said Star enthusiastically.

    "Mind if I tag along?" asked Creston. "I have nothing better to do."

    I'VE GOT NO FRIENDS! BWAA BWAA BWAA

    Lianora remembered what Creston had asked her to do. As she walked over to Nieta, however, the two Selkies grabbed the Lilty girl by the arms and dragged her along.

    OMG RAEP.

    "Come on, shorty!" said Ray, smirking. "You're coming with us."

    Sigh.

    "W-what?" asked Nieta, shocked. "Where are we going?"

    To a world of pure imagination.

    "We don't know!" said Mika cheerfully.

    Actually, Ray knows. Mika forgot.

    Ray flashed a look at Lia. He threw a wad of paper on the ground.

    THIS PAPER IS EVIL! I THROW IT AT GROUND!

    Lianora nodded and gave him a signal to make sure she understood.

    She would throw it into the fires of mount doomsicles.

    She opened the note.

    NO, YOU FOOL.

    We'll handle her. You keep an eye on Garrett. You might be one of the few he listens to.

    Garrett's getting another sex change operation. Please talk him out of it.

    Lianora read the note again.

    She forgot she was illiterate, so she read it a third time. Then a fourth. Then a fifth. Then she gave up and decided to keep an eye on Garrett.

    She nodded. She was determined to keep an eye on the aggressive male Lilty. She turned to try and find him.

    Too bad he was already gone.

    GONE WITHOUT A TRACE.

    0000000000000000000000000

    As Ray and Mika marched around town dragging Nieta, people stared. Ray and Mika thought it was because they looked strange the way they were moving around. Nieta knew otherwise. Nieta knew why they were staring. And she didn't like it.

    WHY DO THEY STARE AT ME!? BWAA BWAA BWAA

    "Come on!" said Ray, trying to think of a way to cheer up the girl. "Let's go look at the city's crystal. I bet it's frickin' huge!"

    Mika: It must be compensating for something.
    Ray: You would know.
    Mika: Ray, why is your head shoved so far up your ass?
    Ray: You would know.
    Mika: ...damn, that's true.


    "Hunh! Okay?" exclaimed Nieta as she was continuously pulled through crowds.

    0000000000000000000000000

    It was official: Creston hated Alfitaria.

    Oh shit, shit just got real. Creston used the word official.

    "Oooooh," he heard a female voice say. "Look at that guy! He seems mysterious!"

    He's so silent and broody! Aw...

    "I bet under that mask he's a total hottie."

    I hope he can turn into a werewolf! That would be totally hawt.

    "Maybe he'll ask one of us out!"

    Or better yet, I hope he's a thousand year old vampire!

    Creston mentally punched himself.

    I'll punch you in real life, if you want. Of course, you'll have to pay me to.

    He couldn't take much more of this. Soon, girls started following him and the Clavats.

    They must have mistaken Team Prick for the Beatles. Silly stupid fangirls.

    Sam looked at him with pity. "I'm sorry. I can tell you're annoyed by them. Want me to ask them to leave you alone?"

    Sam: D'aww, is Cweston annoyed by all his fangirls?

    Star nodded. "We can, if you'd like."

    Creston shook his head. "I have a better idea."

    I'll tell them I'm a wolf-vampire hybrid! None of them will see it coming!

    Creston suddenly saw a rock on the ground.

    He knew this rock was evil. If only he could prove it.

    Seizing his chance, he tripped over said rock and fell on his stomach.

    Creston, you drama queen.

    Instantly, the group of girls rushed over and helped him up. "Are you okay?" one asked.

    PLEASE BE LIKE EDWARD PLEASE BE LIKE EDWARD!

    "I'm fine, I'm fine," he said, giving them a small smile.

    Creston was a player.

    "So…you new here?" asked a second girl. "Got any plans?"

    Well, first I'm going to make you all leave me alone by being an absolute dick!

    "Well you see," Creston said, in a sad tone. "I was at Marr's Pass when I received news that my girlfriend passed away at Shella. So I'm heading home to the funeral." He let out a soft sigh. "It's so tragic."

    HOW TARGIC.

    "Aww…," said the girls, sniffing. "We'll leave you alone then. We won't keep you busy." And with that, they left.

    "Works every time," Creston said deviously, with a chuckle.

    Creston's lifehax brings all the girls to the yard.
    ...oh wait...


    "That wasn't honest Creston!" scolded Star. "You shouldn't lie!"

    Unless you're telling Garrett that he sucks. Everyone knows his suckiness is indescribable.


    "Okay, okay!" said Creston, putting his arms up in surrender. "Just don't rat me out."

    Creston surrenders to girls often.

    Star stiffened and remained quiet the rest of the way.

    "Whoops," said Creston, while Sam gave him an aggravated glance. "Sorry, Star…"

    Sam just realized that Creston was lying.

    00000000000000000000

    Nieta was still being dragged by the diabolical, dynamic duo.

    Ah, is it time for an alliteration war?

    As they neared the crystal, Nieta saw a face she didn't hope to see.


    Those accursed bombs had followed her all the way here!

    Garrett looked up and saw them. His body tensed. He looked at Ray. "What do you want?"

    Garret: Jerry
    Ray: Newman


    Ray waved. "Hey, man! What's up?"

    ME

    "I'm fine," said Garrett. "And you two?"

    I love how Garrett ignores Nieta.

    "We're good," said Mika. "We're ALL good."

    Except Nieta, of course.

    "That's nice," Garrett said before adjusting his gauntlets.

    He has moved on - fondling his hair was too childish - he now fondled his gauntlets.

    "You don't need to keep ignoring me," said Nieta hotly.

    How come Nieta is the only one the author uses the word hotly with?

    "Oh really?" asked Garrett, his tone starting to get angry. "Well it hasn't hurt me yet."

    O RLY

    "Listen you-," ranted Nieta, taking a step forward.

    YA RLY!

    BAM! She walked into a passing pedestrian.

    OMGWTFBBQ

    She fell over, but the other person didn't.

    NO WAI

    "Are you quite alright?" asked a female voice. Nieta nodded.

    NO. I'M DYING HERE! MEDIC!

    "Wait…could that be…?" Nieta looked up. Oh god no. Another familiar face.


    How nice, its the bomb family reunion!

    Standing over her was a female Lilty, who looked a bit older than her parents. She had soft blue eyes, and was wear a purple coat with some matching pants.

    Oh, just another NPC that wants to be like Hurdy.

    "Why, it is!" exclaimed the woman. "It's been so long, Lady Nieta!"

    OMG OMG OMG LADY NIETA OMG OMG OMG

    Mika's jaw dropped.

    She didn't read the title.

    Ray spit out the drink he had in his mouth.

    Ray is lactose intolerant, he has an excuse.

    Even Garrett seemed dumbstruck.

    No, that's his normal face.

    They were all thinking the same thing:

    Ray, Garrett, Mika: HURPADUR, I CAN'T THINK.

    Lady Nieta!

    Oxymorons are hilarious!

    They looked for Nieta to have an explanation, but the Lilty girl was gone.

    GONE WITHOUT A TRACE.

    000000000000000000000000000

    Okay, so originally I was going to put this all in one chapter, but I think it'll work better as two.

    Because I just love cliffhangers.

    Favorite Parts: Creston and Lia at the beginning (Ohoho~!), Creston and the girls, and of course the simultaneous thought: [s]LADY NIETA![/s] HURPADUR, I CAN'T THINK!

    A teensy little spoiler: Nieta's past, although I've built up on it A LOT, isn't really that dark at all. Same with Garrett's. Garrett's was more of senseless anger and humiliation.

    I would have stopped at senseless.

    Nieta's is more about trying to escape it. If you're looking for dark pasts, check out Creston, Sam, and maybe Ray later on.

    ...Ray was once a drug lord, he was known as the king of Striped apples.

    Ooooh suspense! What will happen? WHO KNOWS!

    Even the author doesn't know.

    Find out next chapter!

    Next Chapter: Nieta runs away from her past again, but the last person she expects comes looking for her.


    Bombs just show their love with explosions!

    But can this person, along with the rest of the Tipa caravan, save the Lilty girl?

    Of course, the power of love trumps all! Even bitch powers!

    Or will the Tipa caravan have to go on without her?

    Hopefully the power of love will make sure this happens.
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:00 am


    17. One of Us

    Spoiler:
    *rings a bell*

    MAKE IT STOP.

    Welcome back to Final Fantasy: Tipa's Crystal Chronicles!

    Well, I guess I can make a rest stop.

    We hate to keep you waiting! Well, actually, I enjoy using cliffhangers on you. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

    Oh yes it is.

    THE POINT IS…uh…well…anyhow, let's get on with this!

    ...

    Nieta's past shall now be revealed now, yes? *used a repetitive sentence*

    /facedesk

    COMMENCE YOUR READING *slams gavel*

    Jeez, Judge Judy.

    00000000000000000000000000

    "Lady Nieta?" asked Ray, voicing all three of the caravanners' thoughts.

    HURPADUR, WE CAN'T THINK.

    "Yes, Lady Nieta!" exclaimed the Lilty. "Oh, sorry, I haven't introduced myself. My name is Denilla. I used to be Nieta's…er…teacher, if you would call it that."

    ...I'm scared to know what the word ‘teacher' is referring to.

    "So wait…you KNOW Nieta?" asked Mika, shocked.

    ...Mika, are you deaf, she just told you.

    "Of course!" said Denilla. "She's very famous around these parts. From one of the richest families in Alfitaria!"

    The Joneses, its impossible to keep up with them.

    "Whoa…," said Ray, in shock. "Ya hear that, Garrett? Garrett?"

    He often needed to remind Garrett to listen. He always got distracted by butterflies.

    He looked to where the male Lilty was sitting, but he was gone as well.

    GONE WITHOUT A TRACE
    Garrett: THESE BUTTERFLIES ARE PURTY.


    "Probably went chasing after the fair lady," he muttered.

    He means fat lady.

    He and Mika exchanged a glance.

    Mika mentally gave him a crotchshot. Ray mentally cringed.

    "Why don't you tell us this story about Nieta?" asked Mika, as she and Ray turned to Denilla.

    FLASHBACK TIME

    "Certainly," said the Lilty. "You see, it started when…"

    Well, this one time, at band camp, I did a Zoidberg impression and befriended everyone in my dorm room in a matter of seconds.

    True story, this is.


    000000000000000000000000000

    "UGH!" shouted Nieta, running as fast as she could away from the center of the village. She ran down some stairs and before she knew it, she was sitting by the river that flowed under the Bridge of Alfitaria.

    "I knew this would happen," she murmured miserably. "Why did we have to come to Alfitaria?"

    To restock on our awkwardly shaped sticks, of course!

    "Sounds like there's a story that needs to be told," came a familiar voice. Nieta flinched, then scowled. He was the LAST person she wanted to talk to right now. Although she was surprised he came looking for her.

    Fortunately, it wasn't a bomb.

    Garrett moved over and sat next to Nieta, watching the river.

    He had never seen water before.

    "So. Spill," he said.

    BP Oil: We're sorry...

    Nieta gave him a dirty look.

    She said she was sorry...maybe if she gave him/her a Canadian sorry...

    "Why should I?" she answered. Garrett rolled his eyes.

    "You listened to me when I had a problem. I'm returning the favor," he explained.

    You really helped me with my wood beating problem. Get your mind out of the gutter.

    "I don't have any problem," Nieta lied.

    Nieta is orc.

    "I'd bet all my gil that you do. Now spill."

    BP Oil: DAMMIT WE SAID WE WERE SORRY.

    "Fine," mumbled Nieta. Garrett looked at her. To his astonishment, Nieta was crying softly.

    Garrett was perfecting his Weegee stare. It was working, if barely.

    Aw, damn, I've been a jerk, thought Garrett.

    Understatement, I detect.

    "Well," began Nieta, "I was born into a noble family. One of the five richest families in all of Alfitaria."

    BWAA

    "Uh-huh…"

    DUR, IT MUST BE FUN TO LIVE IN ONE OF THE FIVE RICHEST FAMILIES IN THE WORLD.

    "But, you see, seeing that I was from a noble family, everyone expected me to be someone really special.

    Believe me Nieta, you are special.

    All of the other noble children were very prim and proper, never misbehaving or anything like that. But I wasn't like them. I would go out and play and get dirty, I would cause trouble and mischief, and I would do stuff the my teacher, Denilla, that old Lilty back there, would say was unladylike for an upper class Lilty girl."

    Garrett: DUR I LIEK BUTTERFLIES.

    Garrett was interested now, but he still didn't understand the whole story. "Go on."

    This has exactly the opposite effect on me.

    "Eventually, I had a reputation. The lower class kids hated me, because I could act like them and still be in the upper class. Behind their parents' backs, the upper class kids made fun of me. Denilla got very strict and impatient with me, and I eventually had to speak with the king about my behavioral issues."

    nobleDrama is even more pathetic than eDrama

    "The king?" exclaimed Garrett. "You had to talk to the king!"

    DUR YOU HAD TO TALK TO THE KING!? OMG OMG OMG

    "Yup," said Nieta, tears flowing. But her voice was still steady and strong. "My father argued with the king, saying that he couldn't change who his daughter was. He asked the king to leave me alone. Of course, that stupid ruler didn't. He told my father that I WOULD change, whether I liked it or not…"

    She was going to be updated, whether they liked it or not. Her father didn't want to have to pay for the old features, which the king just HAD to put a tax on.

    "Bastard," muttered Garrett. "So then what happened?"

    "Well, then when I was about eight, something happened," continued Nieta. "My parents were probably the richest family after the king. Many people desire that kind of wealth. One of the other noble families desired our fortune. So they set up an arranged marriage of their son, whose name was Rollid, and me."

    Rollid? Damn, that guy must get all the ladies.

    "What!" exclaimed Garrett in disbelief. "That's not fair! Every tribe has rights now!"

    CIVIL RIGHTS ARE AWESOME

    "But it didn't matter," said Nieta. "The king agreed to it. He also said that I would be trained to be a noble, upper class wife, no matter what."

    Well damn, these people are so bored, they actually give a damn about Nieta. That's saying something.

    "Why you?" asked Garrett. "Why not your sister, or another sibling?"

    Why didn't a dues ex machina conveniently solve everything?

    "The king didn't know I had an older sister. She and my parents decided that my sister would hide from everyone. So the king didn't find out. Also, that other family picked me so all the money and wealth would be under their family name. Because I'm a girl," she finished bitterly.

    BWAA BWAA SEXISM BWAA

    "After that, my family moved out of Alfitaria five nights later. My mother and father agreed that I should have a choice in what to do with my life. I'm so happy that they didn't make me marry Rollid. They gave up their noble status, a lot of their wealth, and home just for me. That's why I love my family so much."

    Also, my mom makes some pretty kickass cakes.

    Garrett stared at her. She's a lot like me.

    DUR, I AM A RUNAWAY NOBLE FROM THE KINGDOM OF RETARDIA! GOOD DAY, LONG LOST COMRADE!

    I FORGOT WHY I RAN AWAY THOUGH, LOL


    Garrett shook his head. He reached over and patted her on the shoulder. "I'm sorry."

    OH GOD MOAR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT FOR GARRETT.

    "For what?" she asked.

    "For being an ass on the way here," said Garrett. "I was a total dick to you when I didn't even know your reason for wanting to stay away from this place. But now I do. And I understand."

    Garrett: I understand perfectly, now lets train you to be a proper noble wife! Here's a shake weight.

    Nieta smiled. "It's fine. I just hope they don't make me stay here."

    The cakes here are the anathema of kickass.

    "What! What's that mean?"

    "You think now that they've found me that they're gonna just let me go?" asked Nieta sadly.

    Yup

    "No. They'll probably make me stay and marry Rollid."

    Someone else could round up the other caravaners and you could gtfo. It worked for your family.

    "What! They can't do that!" shouted Garrett in rage. "You have a mission. You can't leave us! You can't leave me, not after we've just made up! You can't leave me with Ray and Creston and all of them!"

    Team Prick would not be politically correct without you!

    "You'd really miss me that badly?" asked Nieta curiously.

    On second thought, go for it. Rollid sounds pretty cool, marry that guy.

    Garrett blushed slightly. "Well…I…that's to say…uh," he mumbled.

    A DUR I HATE YOU, NIETA.

    Nieta giggled. "You're a good guy Garrett. I'll miss you."

    "Hey!" came a voice from above them. Over the gate stood Sam, with Ray by his side.

    Ray just tags along with everyone. Gets nothing done, the prick.

    "You've gotta come along," said the Selkie grimly. "Denilla tattled to the king that you've returned. And Mr. Monarch is waiting for you at the fountain."

    ...why?

    Garrett's eyes widened in dismay. "Damnit…they've found out."

    DUR I CAN STATE OBVIOUS

    "Looks like this is it," said Nieta, sighing. "Let's go."

    So, why don't they have a prick roundup just leave?
    Oh yeah... the ‘plot'


    000000000000000000000000

    The four caravanners walked to the center of the city. All the townspeople had gathered around to watch the spectacle. Nieta found all of the nobles waiting for her, as well as the Lilty king, the princess, and Denilla.

    Everyone from the bomb family reunion waved.

    "Well Nieta," began the King. "It seems you have returned. I suppose that means that you have decided to commence with the marriage. I am willing to accept your decision, so we must discuss the matter-"

    "Hold on," said Nieta. "I didn't accept anything-"

    You forgot to read the fine print. YOUR SOUL IS MINE!

    "So we must figure out the arrangements of your marriage," continued the king, talking over Nieta.

    I'm glad one NPC knows how to deal with team Prick.

    "Listen!" interrupted Nieta angrily. "I never agreed to a marriage, and I'm NOT going to marry someone who I don't want to."

    Nieta: I'd never marry Garrett, even to save my life!
    Garrett: Yeah!...wait -


    This statement caused a hush to fall.

    "It is not your decision," said the king, his eyes narrowing as he stared at her. "I have approved of the matter-"

    You cannot undo my seal of approval. Really, I've tried. It just does not come off, even if you use magic.

    Ray coughed loudly.

    Ray: Sorry, I've just got Mika's leg done my throat.

    The king glanced at him, then spoke again.

    ...he's losing his touch.

    "Your lessons with Denilla will continue-"

    Ray coughed louder this time. The king glared at him.

    Ray: Not my fault Mika is trying to do a crotchshot from inside me.

    "Please wait until I am finished speaking-"

    Well, this guy lost. Trying to demand anything from a group of [s]heroes[/s] pricks never works out in your favor.

    "Oh no, Mr. King, this just can't wait," said Ray, smirking. He stood up and stared the king in the eye.

    He tried as hard as he could not to fondle the kings hair. He soooooo wanted to touch it...

    "It's not your place to decide a person's future," said Ray. "You can't tell her what to do."

    ...

    "I have authority over my people, thus I have authority over Nieta."

    King: Wonder why I'm called King, Ray?

    "No you don't," answered Ray. This caused gasps. Nobody back sassed the king.

    Nobles are dull as hell.

    Star and Creston both made surprised exclamations. They'd realized Ray's plan. Star stepped forward.

    Ray was planning to kill the king. Sweet.

    "Ray's right," said Star. "You're not in charge of Nieta. Besides, she has a duty with the Tipa caravan, so you can't take her."

    Well, so much for this NPC doing it right. Team Prick wins again.

    "Yes I can," said the king. "She belongs to my city, and to me. Besides, you could do fine without another caravanner. Seven is enough."

    Its more than enough. I've started playing the game, its a pain in the ass leveling up more than one character.

    "It doesn't matter," said Star, giving the Lilty a hot glare. "You don't have power over her, or us. You're just too stubborn to realize that you can't change a person or make them do something they don't want to do."

    DURPADUR WE AIN'T YOUR SLAVES

    Nieta was stunned. This was Star? Kind, sweet Star, scolding the Lilty king. Then she heard Creston speak.

    Creston: Oh, you want her, take her. Really, we're fine with it.

    "They're both right," said Creston, folding his arms. "Nieta belongs to no one but herself. And she's in our caravan. You can't touch her."

    Garrett: Well, actually, you all forgot to read the fine print! The caravan belongs to me, and I just sold it to the king! How very deus ex machina of me, eh?

    "I am in charge of that girl's future! She is a resident of Alfitaria!" said the king hotly.

    Finally, hotly is used with person other than Nieta.

    "Hey, genius!" said Mika. This caused more gasps.

    Complementing the king!? Is this girl a traitor!?

    "Notice that she's in the Tipa caravan?"

    King: ...well no shit, Mika.

    The king opened his mouth, but remained silent.

    Well, he lost. Its easy to ignore an NPC that is able to shut up.

    "That's right," continued the female Selkie. "Not the Alfitaria caravan, but the Tipa caravan."

    DUR I CAN DO LOGIC

    "She lives in Tipa, she works for Tipa, her entire family lives in Tipa," said Lia, also speaking up. "She's not a resident of your town. She's a resident of OUR town. Tipa. Not you."

    She isn't a resident of you.

    Nieta was shocked. They were all defending her.

    Mog would too, they slept together often.

    "So if she doesn't live in your city, and doesn't work for you, or anything," said Sam, "that means she doesn't have to abide by your rules and your demands."

    Nieta was on the verge of tears again. But this time, they were going to be happy.

    FEAR THE TEARS OF HAPPINESS

    "She's one of us now," said Garrett, glaring the king right in the eye.

    Like Ray, he was struggling not to fondle the king's royal hair.

    "Why do you want her?" asked a nobleman. "Is Tipa that desperate to have a rich family in their town?"

    "A rich family?" asked Creston. "We don't want her because she has money."

    Ray: Say, uh...Nieta, I've this huge ass debt to pay, so...

    "We want her because she's our friend," said Garrett. "You jerks are too dumb to realize that friendship is more important than money. So stop trying. As I said, she's one of us now."

    DUR THE PWOER OF FEDRNIISHP

    "Wait," pleaded Denilla. "Please stay, Lady Nieta! Please!"

    Nieta looked her mentor right in the eye.

    Well, since you asked politely...

    "No," she said, and she and the rest of the caravan turned around and walked away.

    00000000000000000000000

    "What do you mean you're staying here?" asked Nieta.

    "I told you," said Lianora. "Sam is almost feeling better, and Garrett, Mika, and Ray still have injuries from Goblin Wall that are being healed. They should take a break."

    Besides, none of the royalty really cares about us. We only embarresed the king in front of all the kindom's nobles. There definitely won't be any repercussions for our rude actions!

    "So why are you staying?" asked Star.

    Me scared of Tida is.

    "Seeing that I'm the only one whose got a lot of money on her hands to pay for all them, not to mention my skill in magic, I'm staying to watch them. But I'm also going to keep an eye on the nobles, to make sure they don't try anything. So now, you, Nieta, and Creston go to Tida and get the myrrh. We'll stay here."

    ...well, if even Lianora thought of it, its bound to happen. The caravan vs a kingdom, that'd be fun to see. Good escape scene in the works right here.

    "But…I could stay," protested Nieta.

    ...

    "No you can't. We're never going to let those nasty nobles get their filthy hands on you," said Lia. "You're leaving and that's that."

    GTFO NIETA WE HATES YOU.

    "Alright," said Nieta. She and Star turned to walk back to the caravan. But Nieta heard a faint voice.

    "Hey, Nieta!"

    YOU SUCK.

    She turned and saw Garrett, leaning up against a tree, holding his spear. He tossed to her.

    NewLemming:
    It appeared that Garrett had forgotten that spears are quite sharp as it accidentally pierced her arm to the ground.

    "Use it well, just in case," he said, smiling.

    It was a simple gesture, but Nieta understood.

    Garrett gave her a long pointy pole. I hope you see the significance in this.
    Get your mind out of the gutter.


    "Thank you, Garrett. Thank you."

    Nieta hopped into the caravan. Star flicked the reigns, and they started to move towards Tida.

    They then realized their beast of burden had been stolen and that that caravan had no way to slow down. That'll show Creston for not paying his gambling debts at Vegas.

    Finally, done with Alfitaria. So now we understand Nieta a little more.

    Nieta is a runaway noble who acts like most real royalty today.

    Yay!

    I know in the game there's a princess, but there's GOT to be a king. I mean, come on.

    SEXISM!?

    Also, the princess isn't missing. YET!

    Cause everything is better with princesses...

    Also, another update: MINI CHAPTERS! These chapters are usually events that are parallel to the story. For example, there will be a chapter about Tida, and then a chapter of what everyone else was doing while the gang was at Tida.

    Obviously...
    Ray was fondling his hair.
    Garrett was fondling his hair.
    Yorkists were the topic of the day.


    Favorite Parts: Nieta's story, and when they were all defending Nieta from the king. I really like that part, because it shows how close the caravan has bonded.

    Author: I do appreciate the bondage this group has formed.

    ...hey guys, I got a great idea for a fan fiction of this fan fiction...


    Next Chapter: Tida. A ruined village, showing what happens when a caravan fails to deliver myrrh to it's down. The three caravanners are determined to succeed. But when faced with dark beasts and undead armies, have they met their match?
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:00 am


    18. Tipa: Village of Dread

    Spoiler:

    We have an important announcement. Final Fantasy Tipa's Crystal Chronicles shall be discontinued…

    YEUS!



    ....
    HA I HAVE MORE DOTS THAN YOU! THIS IS A GOOD DAY.


    PSSSSSH! Yeah right! Just kidding!

    ...

    Just attempting a dark joke, seeing that this was a dark chapter.

    ...
    Don't make me use dark magic on you.


    So yeah. Tida.

    Cool.

    Tida.

    Great.

    TIDA!

    YES WE GET IT.

    The level that came out of a horror novel.

    The creepy level that couldn't hold a candle for eversion.

    Only Star, Nieta, and Creston are gonna be in this one.

    I'm so glad Garrett isn't here.

    Star and Nieta are going to be so friggin' scared. XD

    Yawn.

    By the way, for everyone who thought the king was a total ass in the last chapter: He isn't.

    NO READERS - THE KING IS NOT A TOTAL ASS.

    That subject will be lightly touched upon in the next chapters.

    Ray and Garrett are tempted to touch his hair. Just lightly.

    IMPORTANT UPDATE: I know that in some levels, different monsters appear after you go through the level more than once (for example, griffins appear in River Belle Path). I might use monsters from later forms of a level when the caravan goes through a level (for example, a Cerberus appearing in the first trip through goblin wall, when a Cerberus will only appear after the second trip through).

    We understand completely.

    So then, sit back, relax, and grab something to eat,

    OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

    because here's the next chapter!

    Well, there goes my appetite.

    As the caravan rolled along, Creston glanced at Nieta sitting beside him. Star was sitting at the helm, driving the caravan along.

    None of them noticed their beast of burden was missing. They still wondered why they weren't going anywhere.

    "Are you alright?" asked the tall Yuke. Nieta glanced up quickly.

    "Yeah, I'm okay," said Nieta, rubbing her head. "The whole marriage thing stressed me out a bit, that's all."

    Just a bit, I'm not going to go axe crazy, Creston. Don't worry.

    "I was surprised at the king's attitude," said Star, from the front. "I thought he would be a lot more considerate, at least…"

    Silly star, everyone knows kings and pricks don't get along well.

    "He's not bad," said Nieta. "I actually liked him as a kid. But a king has to remain powerful. He feared that all the trouble I was causing would cause more problems. A king has to put his kingdom before a single person, so in order to restore order, I had to be "tamed".

    Oh my royalty is kinky.

    "But it's still not right," argued Star.

    Star: Yeah, I haven't even been housebroken yet. Tamed? Like hell.

    "I'm not saying it's right, but I understand him," said Nieta, helping herself to a gourd potato.

    ...

    Creston glanced out at the front of the caravan, then stiffened. "We're almost to Tida," he said, sharply.

    His words were like a hot butter through a knife.

    Nieta looked out towards the village.

    The village ran in terror. Everyone is a critic.

    Even from here, all three of the caravanners (and Mog)could sense a chill in the air, as they looked at the village, high on a rocky ridge with gray clouds over it.

    Mog: Shit, he remembered me.

    Everyone was silent for a while. Eventually, Star broke the silence.

    Star: OH SHIT I LEFT THE IRON ON.

    "Do we really have to go there?" asked Star.

    "Yes," answered Creston simply, shrugging his shoulders.

    Every book has an obligatory horror chapter, might as well rush through it.

    "We need the myrrh. Plus, it's better that we get it over with, and hopefully, we will never have to go there again."

    "Then let's get it over with," said Nieta with a sigh.

    She missed Garrett with his eyeliner and fabulous hair and cold metallic gauntlets and his eyeliner and fabulous hair and...

    "It won't be easy," warned Star. "And we're here."

    0000000000000000000000000

    Nieta gulped. Staying back at Alfitaria didn't seem like such a bad idea now.

    She didn't mind the ideas of nobles tearing her apart.

    Creston looked around. "Wow…," he whispered.

    Dur I like this place.

    The once sunshine-filled town was a bleak, desolate wasteland.

    The latest trend. Emo was hip.

    Dead trees and plants were littered all around.

    Tackiness was hip

    Now and again, and old run down house could be seen, with rotting wood falling apart.

    This is what happens when sweet rave parties succumb to the might of square dancing hoe-downs. This place was something all ravers preferred to keep out of sight and mind.

    The grass was dark green and dead looking. Nothing truly seemed to live in this village- or, more appropriately, ex-village.

    Ah, this place will be a perfect place for the ex-cave and my ex-fiance.

    The village of Tida was truly a nightmare come to life.

    It was full of happy creatures and giant daisies. But what happens when you evert...

    "Well then," said Creston cheerfully, ignoring the horror around them.

    You are all demons, you are all horrible demons, I hate you! ...Go! Expire! Away, away from us. You won't take me! Stop your cheery lies! Stop this...stop...
    Stop your cheery lies!
    -DeceasedCrab’s breakdown, Let's Play Eversion (5)


    "Shall we get going?"

    "This is no time for jokes, Creston!" said Star indignantly.

    What joke?

    "Good point," agreed Creston. "Look!"

    Dashing toward the caravanners were two giant beasts. They resembled the Tiny Worms of Mushroom Forest, but were a lot bigger.

    Well, that means they're easier to fight, right?

    Star's eyes widened. Mog almost dropped the chalice.

    This was going to be easier than I thought! Why'd we buy all that mythril armor!? Seriously, this is bullshit!

    "Carrion Worms," muttered Creston. "Parasites who feed off the remains of this village. Watch out, you two. They're poisonous."

    They're also really friendly. But don't let them hug you.

    "Got it!" said Nieta, dashing toward the worms. One swung its antenna at her, but Nieta rolled out of the way, and stabbed the creature in the side.

    Hah! Getting stabbed in the side cannot defeat the highlander!

    The worm then charged up its energy to release a powerful thunder attack.

    Carrion worm is Pikachu

    Nieta dodged again and stabbed the creature in the head. It made a small gurgling cry, curled up, and died.

    Back to the pokemon center, again.

    Star was battling with the second worm. The creature dashed towards, causing Star to leap back. She charged up a fire attack, and burned the worm. The enflamed monster spat poison furiously at Star. Star coughed, finding it hard to breath.

    Rex Smith: You take my breath away

    "Shit," swore Creston.

    He swore he'd do anything to take a shit right now.

    He quickly charged a blizzard spell, and released it, sending it at the worm. The creature froze solid, and later dissolved into miasma, signaling that it had died.

    The signal was a lie. It knew how to trick caravaners into believing it was dead by ridding itself of its body and everything it can do to attack its motral enemies. Now it could kill these pricks with a non-existent body, capable of doing nothing!

    Well, shit. That plan worked out well.


    Creston walked over and cast a clear spell on Star.

    "Thanks," said Star. Creston just nodded. The three caravanners continued on, walking along a path. Eventually they were faced with new enemies: a gremlin, and two Hell Plants.

    *cough* the same old enemies *cough*

    The gremlin cackled shrilly, and ran forward towards Nieta. But before he reached her, Nieta hurled her spear at the creature. The weapon embedded itself in the monster's stomach, and it fell over dead, with the wicked grin still on its face.

    Nieta: OH SHIT ITS A BOMB!
    ...Well, just ignore me...


    Creston, meanwhile, sent a fire spell at the Hell Plants.

    UPS delivered it in two seconds flat. FedEx can't compete with that.

    Star then ran forward, sword in her hand, and slashed the plants apart, although not before one shot a seed at her. Star barely managed to deflect the seed, and cut up the other plant.

    She is the top chef in these parts.

    "Sheesh," muttered Creston, scratching his back. "These enemies are all over the place, huh?"

    "What has Tida become?" asked Nieta, with a shudder.

    You said it before, a nightmare.

    "Tida has become a nightmare," came a rasping, low voice from behind them.

    ...My voice isn't that low, jeez...

    Nieta and Star both turned around. Then they both screamed.

    Creston has that effect on people.

    Creston whirled around and was met with a gruesome sight.

    His ex girlfriend was quite the looker.

    Mog also spun around and screamed with the girls.

    His voice was higher than theirs.

    Standing before them, undead and bony, was a skeleton.

    A skeleton is bony!? Stop the presses!

    He was dressed in battle armor from head to toe.

    He preferred he battle armor to his doctor armor. He preferred that to his fetish armor, which he preferred over wearing no armor.

    Some bones were missing from his frame, but he was still an intimidating figure. Red eyes gleamed under his helmet, and a wicked-looking cutlass was held in one hand. In the other rested, a shield.

    OMG UNNECCESSARY COMMA IS UNNECCESSARY RAWR

    Behind him was another skeleton, although this one was dressed differently. This one was wearing an orange hat, as well as orange and brown clothes. In this skeleton's hands rested a staff, making it obvious that this undead monster was a mage.

    It was a clever trick, this ‘mage' was really a cheerleader.
    ...
    I'm pretty sure the trick would be more effective in reverse...


    The first skeleton let out a humorless laugh.

    The kind you'll let out when you read this.

    "You seem surprised," he rasped, his voice harsh. "Everyone believes that nothing lives in Tida. But as you can plainly see, they are wrong."

    We're just your friendly neighborhood skeletons, sup dawg!
    It actually would be pretty damn awesome if the skeletons became their allies.


    Creston tried to speak, but he found that words could not escape his mouth.

    Now, if only that would happen to Mika...

    Only one managed to come out. "How…?"

    Well, my party just got cut short.

    "It doesn't matter how," said the mage, his voice slightly nasal, but with a harsh edge to it. "All that matters is that we still exist."

    And because we exist, we can have a sweet rave party!

    "Don't be rude, Graeston," said the first skeleton.

    Us professionals, we have standards. Be polite, be efficient, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    Lol Graeston, Creston


    "You can't order me around, Byone," retorted the other skeleton.

    Jeez, I thought I thought up ridiculous names, this author takes the cake.

    He turned to the adventurers. "What brings you here?"

    Creston: We heard there was a sweet rave party bound to happen out here.

    "We're…looking for myrrh…for our village," said Nieta, trembling. "You'll…let us take it…right?"

    Smooth, Nieta.

    That had been a wrong thing to say. The skeletons both raised their weapons.

    Real smooth.

    "No caravanner shall ever take myrrh from Tida's tree," hissed the mage. "We won't allow it!"

    ...instead of fighting them, just tell them the Myrrh tree is a lie. Besides, fighting team prick definitely didn't work out for any mook in any previous chapter, why start now?

    With a roar, he sent a fire spell blazing at Nieta. Nieta let out a gasp of pain, and moved away from the scorching fire.

    "Hey!" shouted Star. "Cut it out!" But her pleas were cut off as the other skeleton swung his cutlass at her. She and Byone became engaged in a vicious sword fight.

    Star, Byone: Let's Duel!

    Creston acted fast. Charging up a fire spell, he sent the magic at Graeston. Graeston shrieked in agony. Skeletons hated fire.

    Dur, it made them burn.

    Nieta ran forward and swung her spear at the dead magician. As she hit him, his body crumpled, and turned into a pile of bones.

    Star was still dueling with Byone at this point.

    Star was still at 4000 Life Points, Byone at 1357

    Star thrust her sword at the skeleton, but he parried the blow and stabbed her left shoulder. Star let out a cry, and sliced the undead warrior's head off.

    He looked better than ever.

    As if a spell had been broken, the skeleton's body crumpled like his comrade's.

    Nieta glanced at her companions. "Is this…a dream?" she asked.

    Here, lets stab you and see if this is a dream.

    Creston walked over to one of the bone piles. He felt them, and shuddered.

    ...he better not be a necrophilliac.

    "No," he said slowly. "This is a true nightmare. These skeletons are affected by powerful magic. Although I don't WHAT could've caused this…whatever you call it."

    This overused situation in many fantasy stories.

    "Horror?" asked Star.

    "Yeah…that's a good word for it.

    I agree.

    Anyways, let's continue…"

    I love how Star simply moves on after being stabbed. Most of the characters would already be dead several times over just from blood loss.

    The three of them walked on with Nieta and Star jumping at every noise. Creston tried not to show his annoyance at this, but remained tense in case another squad of monsters showed up.

    You had to be careful around these damn square dancers...

    Nearby, a branch cracked. Star and Nieta both freaked out, and grabbed Creston in fear.

    I know what its like, Creston. I get abused and hugged from behind by girls all the time.

    Take from that what your will


    "It was…just…a branch," muttered Creston, scowling behind his mask.

    This one time at band camp, a wild branch knocked out a junior. I'm on the lookout for wild branches myself, I can't blame them.

    'How'd I get stuck with these two? I bet Lianora would keep her cool here.'

    Cut to Lianora running away from a mouse, frothing at the mouth.

    Another branch cracked, in front of them. Creston snapped out of his thoughts, and looked forward. Up ahead were four monsters. A bomb, a Hell Plant, and two Carrion Worms.

    Creston: Hey Nieta, gtfo, now!

    "Quiet," whispered Creston, hoping the other two caravanners were listening. Silently, he charged a blast of blizzard magic. He sent flying at the bomb.

    Lulwut.

    The bomb cried out, alerting its companions, as the spell struck the monster. It flew into the Hell Plant as it exploded, causing the demonic plant to burst into flames and die.

    The bomb was on vacation and team Prick just had to assume he was on duty. It took him forever to get vacation time, forever to get out of the family reunion. Karma is a bitch, man.

    "Nice!" shouted Star, as she ran forward to confront the worms. However, she ran back in the opposite direction as both worms aimed poisonous blasts at her.

    Attack Attack Retreat Retreat

    Nieta charged forward with her spear, then leaped in the air. Pointing her spear downwards, she stabbed the worm right in the back. The monstrous bug screeched, and the other worm knocked Nieta off its partner with an antenna. The first worm let out a pitiful whimper and died.

    Well, Nieta is a professional backstabber.

    Nieta recovered from the blow and hurled her spear at the worm. It struck a glancing blow to the monster's side.

    Well, Nieta does suck at everything else. She should work for State Farm.

    As the Carrion Worm advanced upon the Lilty, Star appeared behind it, and sliced the monster in half.

    Overpowered, Star is.

    Nieta wiped sweat off of her head. "Dang…these things are TOUGH!"

    "Yeah…," said Star, panting.

    At least Star is humble about her badassery.

    Then she noticed something rolling out of a Carrion Worm's corpse. A small key appear from the dissolving body.

    Everything has oddly shaped skeletal structures in Final Fantasy. Hence the word fantasy in the title.

    Creston looked around, then pointed. "There's a door over there. I suppose the key unlocks it."

    Creston the Rocket Scientist is onto something.
    Still, it could be a trap.


    "Alright then," said Star, picking up the key. "Ew…there's still some worm guts on it…"

    The exchange rates between worm guts and fish gils were sickingly low.

    "Didn't need to know that," said Nieta, pulling a face.

    What, you don't love minutia?

    "Sorry," apologized Star, before placing the key in the lock. The old, wooden door in front of them opened, a low creaking noise emitting from it. The three caravanners glanced at each other, then headed on through.

    Ackbar would recommend sending scouts.

    00000000000000000000000000000

    "Hey, look what I found!" called Star from a tree.

    Star just had to climb any tree she saw. She could stop anytime, she swore.

    Nieta looked back at the Clavat. Further up ahead, Creston stopped walking and looked back at the two questioningly before walking over.

    Creston took an envelope from her. He took one look at it, and opened it.

    He suspected a conspiracy. Postal service in Tida, what is the madness!?

    "Creston, that could be private-," began Star.

    WE MUST BE CLASSY AND POLITE

    "Does it matter?" asked Nieta.

    "The person who wrote this is probably dead, anyway," said Creston logically. "I mean, look where we found it."

    Star couldn't argue with that.

    Well, another caravan could be trying to communicate with a different caravan.

    Creston opened the letter. It was torn and old, with some rips along the edges. He scanned the writing across the page.

    "It's a love letter," he confirmed, looking at the two. Star covered her mouth in surprise.

    Whenever my AP Lit class finds love letters in the freshman hallway, us Seniors always give it to our teacher. He reads it aloud and we all laugh our asses off.

    "That's so sad," said Nieta, after she read the letter for herself.

    "It's like a romantic tragedy," said Star.

    DUR HOW TARGIC

    She suddenly had a mental image of her and Sam exchanging love letters. Then she realized what she was thinking, and shook her head, clearing away her thoughts.

    Damn, Sam was ugly.

    'What was I thinking?' Thought Star. 'Sam is just a really good friend.'

    Author: AND JUST A FRIEND, DEAR READERS. NOT A HINT AT ALL TO STAR AND SAM GETTING MARRIED! AT ALL!

    "Well, enough romance," said Creston bluntly.

    The author wants to point out the even he is getting tired of his character's romance.

    "Let's keep going. We don't have all the time in the world."

    The three of them moved on until they reached an odd sight. A bar of ice blocked a pathway, forming a barrier.

    Nieta: Well, we’re screwed.
    Star: Well, maybe we could climb over it. Its just a bar...
    Nieta: STFU, we're screwed!


    "Ice?" questioned Nieta curiously. "How does ice get here? I mean, Tida's chilly, but it isn't freezing…"

    No, its a real tourist attraction. I mean really, look at the chapter. Tida: Village of Dread. That's an obvious tourist trap!

    "More magic," responded Creston, gazing at the ice thoughtfully.

    Magic, that explains everything!
    Plothole in your story? MAGIC!
    Illogical fallacies in your fanfiction!? MAGIC


    "As I said, there is a powerful creature causing all of this."

    Creston:...I really didn't want to meet my ex-girlfriend here...

    "So how do we get past it?" asked Star.

    Well, see that keyhole? Its part of a massive fetch quest. First we have to go back to Tipa to get a carrot, then we exchange that carrot for an awkwardly shaped stick at Marr's Pass, then we exchange that stick for adamant armor at Alfitaria, then we go back to Tipa, sell the armor, and hire some magician to come along and melt this ice for us.

    Creston responded by casting a fire spell, melting the ice.

    Damn it Creston, we're trying to create jobs here! Now what is this guy supposed to do?

    "Enchanted ice still melts," the Yuke said, walking forward.

    CRESTON IS SO BADASS

    Once they reached the other side, however, the caravanners were in for a shock. Two sets of bony hands appeared from the shadows. One grabbed Creston, raising a sword to his throat, while another grabbed Nieta. Star looked around frantically, only to find a staff pointed at her.

    "Well, well, well," said the skeletal mage in front of her, blood red eyes gleaming. "What have we here, hmm?" He looked over at his companions. "Sukull, Rearper, keep a good hold on them."

    ...Rearper.

    ...


    "Yes, Sepulcherre," droned Sukull, keeping his hold on Nieta.

    "I take it you're here for our tree," said Sepulcherre coolly.

    Creston: No, we heard there was a sweet rave party-
    Sukull: Sweet Rave Party!? BULLSHIT! This is a square dance ground now!


    "I take it you're here to stop us," replied Creston sardonically.

    No, really?

    "No, not really," said Sepulcherre in a bored voice.

    ...that’s different.

    "But, hey, you all deserve it for what you did."

    "Which was?" asked Star, the staff still pointed at her.

    "Don't play dumb," answered Rearper in a gravelly voice.

    Oh, she's not playing dumb, dumbass.

    "The point is, we have our reasons for the deaths of caravanners," said Sepulcherre. "So we're obviously not going to let you leave alive-"

    "Now!" shouted Creston sharply.

    Now what?

    Creston elbowed Sukull in the ribs, causing the skeletons to drop his weapon in shock.

    None of them expected the Team prick to learn how to think.

    Star, meanwhile, whipped around and struck Rearper with her blade, causing the living corpse to cry out in pain.

    Wtf Star, you're stabbing a skeleton! That's overkill, really!

    "Impudent pests!" hissed Sepulcherre, preparing to cast a magic spell. But another strike with Star's sword knocked him into a wall, causing the mage's body to slump to the floor.

    In final fantasy, swords are clubs.

    "Sepulcherre!" shouted Sukull, dueling with Creston, as he dodged a lightning strike. Creston jumped forward and hit him with his hammer, knocking the skeleton out cold.

    No, he just felt like taking a nap at that exact moment. Sukull is narcoleptic, you see.

    Rearper glanced over at Sepulcherre.

    Creston's bound to bonk him next.

    "Let's get out of here!" shouted the mage, as the two skeleton's fled, dragging their comrade with them.

    DAMN IT CRESTON

    "Cowards," said Creston spitefully. But as he turned to check on his fellow companions, Sepulcherre aimed his staff at the Yuke.

    ...and Creston claims to be smart.

    BANG!

    Dude, that staff is a gun!? Awesome!

    A loud noise echoed throughout the broken city, as Creston watched, shocked as Nieta flew backwards, her body lit in flames. She fell against the wall.

    DEAD!? Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

    Creston was astonished. That attack had been meant for him.

    Star yelled and rushed over to tend to the Lilty. Creston snapped out of his daze, and went to help her.

    How come no one ever claps out of her or his daze?

    "Bastards," the Lilty cursed. "They fight dirty."

    "They have an entire afterlife to fight, so it doesn't matter whether or not they play fair," said Star matter-of-factly.

    She was wrong.

    Creston cast a healing spell, while Star cast a clear spell. After her headache cleared, the three friends travelled on.

    OMG OMG OMG SPELLING ERROR YOU SUCK YOU SUCK

    After a few more battles with the skeleton guards, Creston spotted a bridge. Motioning forward, they walked towards it.

    They had a hand motion for everything. Moving forward, moving back, asking Mika to kick Ray in the balls.

    Out of nowhere, a Hell Plant reared its ugly head, shrieking a warning to the other monsters.

    HAI GUYZ AM I DOING IT RITE?

    Two Carrion Worms and two skeleton guards appeared on the bridge.

    FFS STEVEY STFU.

    "What is this?" exclaimed one guard, turning to face the other. "How did these caravanners get so far, Derath?"



    "I don't know, and I don't care, Furnerall," snarled the second skeleton

    Jeez, this one is sassy. He get his chocolate today?

    "All I know is intruders are to be killed. Now stop asking questions and get moving!"

    At those words, caravanners and monsters alike rushed into battle (except for the Hell Plant, as Star sliced the thing's "head" off as she dashed forward).

    Yawn...

    Creston fought with Derath, evading the skeletal creature's blows, and casting powerful magic at him in return.

    Meanwhile, Star dueled with Furnerall, but was having trouble due to a Carrion Worm send thunder blasts at her. Nieta, however, , was doing fine, skewering the worm she was fighting, and leaving it to die as she fought with the other worm.

    LIEK OMG SO MANY COMMAS

    Star glared up at Furnerall. "Now that that worm is gone, you're finished."

    Furnerall: DUR I'M JUST GETTING WARMED UP!
    *casts Fire spell on self*
    *dies*


    Furnerall's eyes shone with malice. "You were finished as soon as you got in this fight."

    Their swords continued to clash, metallic sounds ringing all across the area. Finally, one of them got the upper hand.

    LIKE OMG SO INTENSE OMG

    Furnerall managed to parry Star's strike, and drove his rapier into ribs. Star screamed in pain, as the skeleton twisted the weapon in her body. Blood welled from the Clavat's wound.

    What!? How did they get past her shield of fat?

    "Star!" yelled Nieta. Furiously, she beat the other worm to death, and ran over. She struck Furnerall away from her friend. "Are you alright?"

    I just got a stabbed, what do you think?

    "I'm fine, but- LOOK OUT!" Star's reply changed to a warning, as Furnerall lunged forward, fury in his eyes. As Nieta moved out of the way, Star used a quick uppercut with her weapon. Furnerall's body was sliced cleanly in two, and his bones clattered to the ground.

    Cleanly, how conveniently.

    "Furnerall!" roared Derath in rage. But he was distracted long enough to be hit with Fira from Creston. His body was blasted backwards and over the edge of the bridge. Creston looked down to see the warrior's body on a rock far below, as water from the river in the gorge washed the bones away.

    Mook: Hur, no one could survive that, dur.

    "Phew…," said Creston. "What a hassle. Star, are you alright?"

    No, final fantasy logic states that I'm only at 3/4 of my full health. I'm fine for now.

    Quickly casting a heal spell on her, he looked at the wound. Reaching into his bag, he started to wrap bandage on the cut.

    ...well, that's a first.

    "What am I going to do with all of you," said Creston, half to himself. "Always getting injured…"

    I'm starting to think you're doing this on purpose. Don't make me sic the Texan on you.

    lolCatch22


    "Sorry…," said Star, wincing at the pain.

    "It's alright," sighed Creston, standing up. Star stared at the Yuke's handiwork. It was comfortable, and the bleeding had stopped.

    Bandages over stab wounds were the latest trend. She'd be a hit in the next town.

    "Are you okay to move on?" asked Nieta. Star nodded painfully.

    "Good, because I found a key in the body of that dead worm," said Nieta, pointing to the corpse.

    THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

    "And I'm guessing that it goes there," said Creston, pointing to a large wooden door.

    Rocket Scientist Creston at work, ladies and gentlemen.

    The group looked over at the door, seeing that it led to large field.

    Yay, corn mazes.

    "I sense the myrrh tree," said Creston. "But I also sense a lot of power beyond that door. We need to be prepared."

    Judging by these numbers I'm getting, I'd say there's a boss fight just over this 2 foot fence.

    "Well, let's get it over with," said Star.

    "Then we can get out of this nightmare," added Nieta, shivering.

    Creston took the key from the Lilty and inserted it into the keyhole. The large door opened slowly.

    Freddy Krueger had been waiting.

    An ominous wind was heard as the caravanners and moogle walked through the door, deeper into the heart of Tida.

    The ultimate battle: The ravers of Team Prick vs the square dancing Monsters of Tipa! Next time, on this fanfiction!

    Long chapter is LOOOOOOOOOONG!

    ...really now

    Really.

    You is a funny guy.

    That wraps up another chapter. This is one of my favorites.

    Favorite Parts: The love letter, and every battle with the skeletons.

    Except that one in which Garrett didn't fight. That one sucked.

    The skeletons are without a doubt, the strongest "race" in the game (I mean goblins, orcs, and lizardmen, not behemoths and zus, people). Also their battles are more humanlike, seeing that the skeleton's a rather humanoid in appearance (not like a dinosaur skeleton).

    Oh, really now? Sucks that we won't be seeing any gigantic bone monsters, cause that'd be too awesome for final fantasy.

    On another note, three reoccurring monsters appeared in this chapter: The skeletons Sepulcherre, Rearper, and Sukull are going to appear in a later chapter. That chapter should be obvious to people who play the game.

    HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

    (THINK SKELETONS).

    Post-apocolyptic America?

    Also, there is also a special thing in the skeleton's names. Each name is slightly edited from a word that has to do with death. I've conducted a list below:

    Graeston = Gravestone
    Byone = Bone
    Sukull = Skull
    Rearper = Reaper
    Sepulcherre = Sepulchre/ Sepulcher (two spellings)
    Derath = Death
    Furnerall = Funeral

    If you didn't see this coming, go punch yourself with a sledgehammer. Seriously.

    This will only go for the skeletons of Tida. I couldn't do this for EVERY skeleton in the game.

    I'VE GOT A LIFE BWAA BWAA BWAA

    Next Chapter: The three members of Tipa's caravan face off against the mighty guardian of the fallen village, who not only battles them, but gives them a brief history on how the fallen village came to be.

    ...he sounds like a ruthless bastard. Like that Orc king.

    Garrett: My turn to request of review! Yeah! Even though I wasn't in this stupid chapter! This stinks! I should be kicking skeleton butt!

    Fandamntastic, the author just had to throw him in at the end.

    Star: Garrett, you're getting sidetracked…

    Garrett: Fine! REVIEW, PEOPLE! DO IT- OR I'LL MESS YOU UP!

    Garrett the gangster.

    Star: Can you try that again, politely?

    Garrett: Fine! PLEASE review- or I'll mess you up!

    Garrett: Old habits die hard. I'll mess them up!

    Mika: *sighs* He doesn't get it.

    He messes up a lot.

    Creston: *smacks his helmet* Idiot.

    you've no right to talk, Creston.
    avatar
    Soul
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:01 am


    19. Those Who Have Fallen

    Spoiler:

    Oh boy! It's time for another chapter to brighten up your day.

    Right

    In this chapter, Creston, Star, and Nieta face off against Armstrong (the giant killer house guy).

    ...

    Other than Armstrong, not much happens, although there is some development with the characters at the end.

    Development in a fan fiction? Well, my willing suspense of disbelief is shot.

    And notice in the last chapters, there were some tiny hints at Star liking Sam, and an even TINIER hint at Creston liking Lianora.

    OH REALLY NOW.

    Skeletons: WE SHALL RETURN!

    I'm sure that'll happen. Right after mike-spamming stops pernamently in TF2

    They're bitter about the total ass-kicking they got ^_^.

    Anyhoo, LET THE CHAPTER BEGIN! RARGH!

    Author must believe he is a dinosaur. I won't argue with him, I guess.

    0000000000000000000000

    Star, Nieta, and Creston walked into a large field with patchy grass. They looked around.

    The most obvious feature of this area was a giant, rundown, demented house in the center of field.

    It took them hours to find it.

    It seemed old and dilapidated.

    The bachlorette's house had degraded since the drop in ratings.

    Among other things were bones (which the caravanners eyed with caution, after they had experienced the skeletons), occasional pieces of wood, and fungus.

    OCCASIONAL PIECES OF WOOD AND FUNGUS!?
    Shit. Just. Got. Real.


    But still, all three caravanners were confused. They were all thinking the same thing.

    HURPADUR WE CAN'T THINK

    Where was the source of the power they had sensed? And where was the "boss" of this area?

    John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but he had expected them for years.

    That question was about to be answered. A rumble was heard, and the Yuke, Lilty, and Clavat looked at the old house, in which the rumble was coming from.

    "This is Joson" The radio crackered. “You must fight the demons!
    So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
    “HE GOING TO KILL US!" said the demons


    Then a cannon-like object on the side of the building let out a blast of energy.

    "I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles.

    The house then suddenly leaped in the air and whirled around to face the three travelers (and Mog).

    Mog: Oh come on. If I'm just an afterthought, why the hell am I here?

    The house was demented, alright. It was built on top of a small tree, and the roots seemed to act as its legs. One arm was made up of a staircase (or a bridge-it was rather hard to tell). The other arm was the cannon they saw before. The house was covered in spores and fungus.

    In other words, a house you see every other day in the world of final fantasy.

    The majority of the house made up this monster's body, but at the top was a circular structure that had what seemed to be an eye. The eye glowed red, and stared down at the Tipa caravanners. As the creature came to life, so did the skeletons, but they did not attack.

    The trio was in for another shock: the monster-house spoke to them.

    Its game show time!

    "Greetings, caravanners," said the being. Its voice was very low and deep, and both a whispering and an echoing quality to it. "What brings you…to the fallen village…of Tida…?"

    My natural voice is lower. Easily.

    Star glanced at Creston. She looked frightened. Creston wouldn't admit it, but this monster scared him; the politely asked question, and the strange appearance were all very chilling to him. Goblins and Orcs he could handle- freaky houses, not so much.

    Nieta, on the other hand, didn't care.

    "We-we…we're here for our village," explained Creston. "We're the caravan for the village of Tipa."

    Telling the truth didn't work out earlier, dumbasses. Why do it now?

    Nieta was scared of the reaction the beast would have, as the skeletons were angry at her for mentioning that. But the monster simply moved a bit backwards on its root legs.

    Aren't all his legs roots?

    "Ah…caravans," he said thoughtfully, with nostalgia.

    He nostalgia'd, hard.

    "I know…that feeling…I remember times like that…long ago…"

    Well, this one time at band camp, Quezacotl crossed dressed for a skit. Damn, he made an ugly girl.

    True story, this.


    "W-who are you?" asked Star, more curious than spooked at the moment.

    "My name…," said the creature,"…is Armstrong. I take my name…from the family who used to live inside of me…before they perished…"

    I think he's making it up as he goes along.

    "So…you are from Tipa?" asked Armstrong. "I remember…Tipa…was a lovely town, or so my family used to say…I take it you are good people…"

    Good people, horrible characters.

    "Yes, we are," said Nieta.

    At least they're honest about sucking.

    "We only want to do what's best for our village."

    We're definitely not having parties out here all the time. Nope. Definitely not.

    "'Tis the way…of a caravanner," said Armstrong, before letting out a long, shuddering breath.

    Armstrong was looking back on his raver days. He approved.

    "Um…Mr. Armstrong?" asked Star awkwardly.

    How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsee-roll tootsie pop?

    The house turned his single eye towards her.

    He put his angry face on. He had no idea why people thought he was Mr. Owl.

    "What exactly happened to Tida…to…?"

    "Make it a nightmare?" finished Armstrong. Star nodded.

    "Ah, yes…I remember it as though it were…yesterday…," said Armstrong, his voice taking on a distant tone.

    He got distracted by butterflies. Oh, Armstrong, always the nature fanatic.

    "No matter how much he desires my memories…he shall not have them…"

    Armstrong is no gandalf.

    "Who-?" Creston began to ask, but Armstrong continued before the question was complete.

    Ah, nice to see one character in the story treat team prick properly.

    "It was another day…filled with sunshine…Tida was known for its sunny skies…everyone was eagerly awaiting the return of our caravan…"

    [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2sKH8yjVsM[/video]

    "But one day…we received a letter…apparently the Tida caravan…had been found slain…by monsters…"

    They had strayed from the path of the raver. They deserved it.

    Star let out a gasp.

    The iron, she left it on again. She forgot she remembered this every 10 seconds or so.

    "None of the people…knew how to react…they all thought it was a cruel joke…

    They were used to these trolls, you see.

    so they did nothing…even when the miasma was right at front gate, none of the people…tried to stop it…or avoid it…

    The rave parties got lamer with each successive day. It truly was depressing.

    we all hoped in the end, someone, our caravan…any caravan…would come and save us

    Where's Captain Planet when you need him?

    …but that hope…was not enough."

    Those noobs didn't have access to the console command.

    Nieta realized this could very well happen to Tipa, and resolved to work harder for now on.

    Dur me no want bad thing to happen.

    "In the end…miasma consumed the village…monsters spawned from all around…and then he came…and ate all of the citizens' memories…after they died, he turned them into undead soldiers…

    AI Directors are all naturally greedy bastards.

    I've kept them alive all these years…"

    COUGH TWO YEARS COUGH

    "Who?" asked Creston for the second time. "Who ate the memories?"

    The AI Director. Read between the lines, dumbass!

    This question was met by a loud hiss from both the skeletons.

    Everyone is a critic.

    "We do not speak of him!" hissed Armstrong, and for the first time he sounded angry.

    Armstrong: His name drives you mad!
    Nieta: Oh, Cthulhu?
    Armstrong: Nope
    Star: ... Voldemort?
    Armstrong: Wrong
    Creston: Armstrong?
    Armstrong: You're funny.


    "I despise that being with my entire existence. I will not say his name!"

    Why so butthurt, [s]man[/s] house?

    Then his voice returned to the tired, nostalgic tone. "Anyway…I spawned to life from miasma, and with it, memories of my former family came rushing to me…ever since…I have guarded the fallen village of Tida…even though it has become an area…of great evil…it is still my home…"

    ...
    Damn, this place is a dump.
    But its still my home.
    ...
    Damn, this place is a dump!


    "I'm…I'm so sorry," said Star sincerely. It was true.

    OMG SO HAERTWRAMNIG

    A few stray tears were streaming down her face. "Your story…it's…so sad…"

    I laughed my ass off many a time. Tell it again, I need the laughs.

    "Yes…," replied the creature, his tone sad. "Yes it is…"

    "Well, anyway…," said Creston. "Thanks for telling us your story. I'm glad we could listen. But the myrrh tree is up ahead, and we need to get it as soon as possible. After that, I promise we'll go.”

    Oh, Team Prick is getting down to business.

    "Go?" asked Armstrong, but Creston knew this was a rhetorical question.

    AW YAEH BTTALE TEIM

    "No…I do not believe you shall…"

    Once more, Armstrong = / = Gandalf. There's such a resemblance, I know.

    "But you said-" began Nieta.

    BWA BWA BWA BWA BWA

    "No caravanner shall ever take myrrh from Tida's tree," said Armstrong, his rumbling voice echoing throughout the village.

    The acoustics he had installed were totally worth it.

    "That tree is…a memorial…to the people of Tida. I shall not allow traitorous hands to take it."

    The tree can see through that paper-thin mask of yours, spys of team Prick!

    "Traitorous?" asked Nieta. "We never betrayed you!"

    Well, there was that one time I teamkilled one your guys, but hell, I needed the XP!

    "No?" said Armstrong.

    O RLY?

    "Did any village try to help us? Did any caravan…bring us a chalice to save us from the impending doom…that is miasma?"

    Well, they did warn you.

    "Well, I don't know-" began Creston.

    Creston really wasn't listening to the story, was he?

    "No. No one helped Tida survive in its time of need. So why should Tida help you? Tida has fallen. What goes around, comes around…your villages…are next to fall."

    OMG

    "But…we weren't alive back then!" protested Star. "We haven't done anything wrong!"

    "No…but you have not done anything right, either…,"

    Oh, so true.

    replied the living house calmly, as if talking about killing did not faze him.

    "The other villages had time to send us a letter, but not enough time to send us some myrrh…"

    As he spoke, the two skeletons moved closer to the caravanners, and started to circle them, staffs raised.

    "Tida has fallen, but I shall bring down every village with all my strength. You shall know my pain. Goodbye, Tipa caravan…," said Armstrong.

    Creston tensed up. "Get ready guys!"

    Armstrong: I gonna kick your ass!

    Star was nervous. 'This creature is sad…but he takes out his sorrow on the other villages…so vengeful…but do we really deserve it?'

    I uh, guess I'll just sit here with my thumb up my ass while you go about your pointless exposistion...

    With a deep breath, Armstrong waved his arm, and the battle commenced.

    Their battle was actually prearranged. Armstrong just likes to live up to his name.

    The skeletons rushed forward from both sides, and began to cast spells. As the blizzard spell circles exploded under the three warriors' feet, both Nieta and Star leaped out of the way. Creston was not so lucky. He found himself frozen solid.

    I was frozen today.

    Armstrong crawled forward and swung his bridge arm in a wide arc, sending the frozen Yuke sprawling across the field. When Creston struck the ground, the ice around him shattered, showing that this house was a force to be reckoned with.

    "Uh…," groaned Creston, shaking his head.

    Nieta ran up to one of the offending skeletons, and stabbed him furiously. Her spear went straight through the corpse's body. Then, she spun around and flung the dead skeleton of her spear, and at the other skeletal mage. Both warriors collided, and fell into one big pile of bones.

    "My warriors…shall be avenged," rasped Armstrong. Turning to face Nieta, he arched his body back and sent needles at her. Nieta, who was unprepared for this speedy attack, was hit by a shower of sharp metal needles.

    "Ow!" she yelled.

    Needles are nothing to fat shields!

    Star, meanwhile, had snuck up behind the terrible creature. She struck him with her sword twice, before the creature turned and smacked her away with his arm. Creston used Star's distraction to his advantage and sent a fireball straight at Armstrong.

    Nice Hadoken.

    The monster groaned in pain as the fire struck his wooden body. Armstrong caught on fire for a short period of time before spinning around, putting out the flames with the wind surrounding him as he spun.

    "I shall not let you pass," droned Armstrong.

    ...sigh. Redundant bad Gandalf reference is not bad, its horrible.

    As Nieta and Star both dashed toward him, he let out a gas surrounding him. Both the Clavat and the Lilty felt their bodies slow down. They had both fallen in Armstrong's trap.

    ...Ackbar, you're supposed to warn them, damn it.

    Armstrong then rotated in a circle, knocking both females back with his arm.

    Star and Nieta are female? Well, my willing suspension of disbelief is shot.

    Creston was sending spells of all kinds at Armstrong,

    Including healing spells, which basically negated any damage he dealt.

    yet Armstrong managed to dodge most of them. Armstrong crawled toward Creston, surprisingly quick for a creature of his bulk, and brought his bridge arm down.

    DO A BARREL ROLL

    Creston managed to roll out of the way in time,

    Nice!

    but stumbled over and fell.

    Classy.

    Armstrong used this to his advantage as Creston had before. As Creston got up from the ground, he aimed his cannon arm at the Yuke.

    Its a kodak moment!

    He fired, sending the Yuke flying backwards.

    In final fantasy, sharp weapons and cannons are nothing compared to the onslaught of cruel words!

    Creston managed to stay on his feet, but then noticed something.

    ... he get knocked into the air, but managed to stay on his feet the entire time.

    huh


    He couldn't move!

    "Guys…I can't move!" he shouted. "Watch out…he knows how to use a stop spell!"

    Sadly, it doesn't keep him from talking.

    "Wait there!" shouted Star. She moved to Creston as quickly as she could, although it was difficult with the slow spell on her. She managed to get over there, while Nieta distracted Armstrong. She cast a clear spell on Creston, who cast a clear spell on her in return.

    ...so why didn't she just catch a clear spell on herself...
    oh ffs


    "Thanks!" said Creston, stretching.

    "No problem," responded Star. "Thank you."

    Well, that was a good quickie, but I gotta get back to-

    "WILL YOU TWO STOP THANKING EACH OTHER AND HELP ME!" screamed Nieta, as Armstrong kept firing his stop cannon at her.

    Quickly, another quickie. That voice makes me want to punch babies.

    But her complaining ceased after Armstrong tried to slam her with his arm. She raised her weapon to defend herself.

    Super Smash Bros would slam him for having stale moves.

    CRACK!

    Everyone does it.

    Armstrong's strike had split Nieta's spear in two. She was shocked and had no weapon to defend herself.

    OH SNAP

    But then she remembered what she had on her back.

    In her hammerspace, she means.

    'Use it well, just in case.' Garrett's words came rushing back to her.

    Damn, his voice was annoying. It made her want to punch a baby in the face.

    She drew Garrett's spear from the place on her back.

    It looked like a giant steel pen.

    She would be able to hold on until Creston and Star came to her aid.

    They had a quickie on the way over.

    Get your mind out of the gutter, honestly.


    As the two ran over, however, Armstrong leaned back, and inhaled.

    He felt like taking a nap.

    "What's going on?" asked Star.

    ITS A TRAP

    She didn't have to wait long for an answer.

    ...

    Armstrong let out a rasping breath and fired a poisonous fog at the two oncoming caravanners. He then returned his attention to Nieta, who had been striking him with Garrett's spear the entire time.

    ...it was one of those weapons that healed the enemy instead of hurting them. The logic of that, I could never quite figure out.

    "Hold your breath!" shouted Creston. Star covered her mouth, and smoke floated by them harmlessly.

    ...
    Hax


    Armstrong struck Nieta, and then moved back, firing needles at all of the caravanners. Despite his strong show of strength, the guardian of Tida was starting to wear down. Creston started to notice the monster's speed starting to slow down.

    "We're wearing him out!" the Yuke called to his friends. "Don't give up!" Both girls nodded.

    "I shall not fall…," assured Armstrong.

    Insert predictability here.

    "At least, not until your deaths…"

    Just fall on them, dumbass.

    Aiming his cannon at Creston, he fired another stop blast, but his gradually slowing speed allowed Creston to dodge. Nieta rushed forward and stabbed his house-body furiously, but he swung his bridge arm and struck her on the head.

    She shook it off. An elephant could step on her head and she wouldn't even bat an eyelash. Her head is that dense.

    "Be careful Nieta!" shouted Star, as she moved backwards to avoid a poisonous blast.

    Stupid Star. What would Piccolo recommend?

    "He may be slowing down, but he's still strong.”

    She ran forward, ducking under a barrage of needles. Armstrong lost sight of her, and spun around, searching for the Clavat. However, he stopped at the sound of splintering wood. He looked to his right and saw that his bridge-arm had the Clavat's sword piercing it. As he saw, the old wood had started to split apart slightly. Armstrong knew that he had to end this battle soon, or else he may perish.

    His thoughts were interrupted by a ball of fire striking him, courtesy of Creston.

    FedEx delivered it in one second. UPS called hax.

    Armstrong was pushed backwards by the flames. He shook himself, trying to rid himself of any remaining flames. The creature started to put all his strength into the battle, using attacks and cannons in rapid succession. He sent barrage after barrage of needles, but to no avail. He would only strike glancing blows to the Tipa caravanners, that is, if he hit them at all. He felt stabs and strikes on every side of his body, as well as occasional burning, freezing, and electrical shocks. Armstrong was losing, but he would not give up.

    I NEED A VILLAIN TO SAVE ME NOW~

    Nieta ran forward, twirling Garrett's spear in her hand.

    She dropped it and then fell on it.

    Armstrong aimed a final cannon blast at her, in a last ditch effort to destroy those who had intruded into his home.

    SUPER AWESOME EXTRAORDINARY CANNON BEAM GO!

    He missed.

    He rage-quitted.

    Nieta leaped forward and drove her spear into the eye of the monster.It went straight through to the other side of the monster's "head".

    Nieta, you're supposed to do it like this.
    [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Crz4_UofhS0[/video]
    Explosions included, please.

    As she pulled her spear out, Armstrong's body was twitching and shaking, and having small spasms all over. All that could be heard was his shuddering breaths, but Nieta suspected that he was screaming on the inside.

    Why did he agree to be in a fanfiction? Honestly.

    Armstrong shuddered and shook all over, as if he was having a fit. He looked over the three warriors who had defeated him.

    He was about to call hax, when

    "You three…," he said, his voice shaking. "I underestimated you…you are quite strong…to fight so hard, against these odds…all for your village…is very good of you…"

    he decided he'd go play runescape instead.

    "I take back what I said," he gasped out, while the three caravanners moved back. "You are…indeed worthy…go…take myrrh from the tree…and with it…may the spirit that once brightened Tida village…live on…in you…"

    It looked like this.

    You can imagine what Nieta did.

    With a final shuddering gasp, Armstrong froze still for a moment. The next, his body seemed to explode on the inside.

    ...lame explosion, brah. Michael Bay would be disappointed in you.

    His arm, legs, and head drooped over, as spores flew off of him and rained down in the dark, gloomy sky.

    Creston stared at the house lying on the ground that had just been trying to kill them.

    That wasn't exactly the most friendly house warming party he had ever attended.
    I'm horrible, I know.


    He was afraid it was about to come back to life and attempt to murder them again. But this time, he thought that the house had been defeated for good.

    "Is he gone?" asked Nieta, voicing the question in Creston's mind.

    "I think so…and I hope so…," murmured Creston, gazing at the once-living house. "Boy…that was more difficult than I expected…sheesh."

    Nieta: Who knew getting hit on the head with a bridge would hurt?
    Creston, Star: I KNOW RIGHT?


    Star looked at Armstrong sadly. "When you really think about it," the Clavat girl said, "he wasn't such a bad guy…he just wanted justice…in a matter of speaking."

    No, he wanted just ice! You heroes always get it wrong, honestly!

    "Well, anyways, at least we made it out alive," muttered Creston. "Come on; the tree is just ahead."

    Well thank you, Mr. I-memorized-the-strategy-guide.

    The three warriors and moogle walked along a path towards the tree.

    Mog: Oh, yay, I'm not an afterthought.

    Star took the chalice from Mog and set it down in front of the tree.

    A drop of myrrh fell from the curving leaves (Were they leaves? No one was really sure WHAT they were)


    I'm with the author on this one. They look like bananas.

    and landed into the chalice, filling it another third of the way.

    Dare I ask what would happen if - *gasp* - the chalice overflowed!?

    "Another drop of myrrh, and we made it through the second year," commented Creston.

    Impressive use of future tense here.

    "Kupo!" came a voice behind them. The mail moogle ran up to the trio and handed them their letters. Although, this time it was different; Creston had actually received a letter.

    Letters from fans. Good lord.

    Star read her letter over

    Dear Star,

    How are you doing? Everything's good here. Meet a lot of people? Any new friends? Any boys?

    Well...............................
    Creston, definitely not Sam.


    It isn't the same without you on the ranch. Even Bessie seems to miss you.

    You were the only one who fed her, now that I recall.

    Write back, and come home soon!

    -With love, Mom

    Star smiled, and hastily wrote a reply.

    Nieta looked at her letter curiously.

    She hoped it wasn't a letterbomb.

    Hey Nieta!

    How're ya doin'? Everything is good here. We've got a good chunk of orders for our clothes. Can you send us any supplies you find abroad, just in case? If you find any, that is. Also, if you go to Alfitaria, be careful.

    GREAT ADVICE.

    Although, if you run into any trouble there, Dad says that he'll kick any troublemaker's ass.

    The king, especially. That punk owes him.

    Either way, have fun!

    -Love, Big Sis

    Nieta smirked a little. Her father was a bit old to "kick some ass".

    Clearly, she had never seen Gran Torino.

    But she wrote a kind reply all the same.

    Garrett told her to write back kindly. Else he'd MESS HER UP.

    While the other two were viewing their letters, Creston stared at the envelope in his hand. He had no family in Tipa at all. Maybe Roland had sent it. Thinking it impolite not to read it, he opened the letter.

    Roland was his ex-gf.

    Creston,

    I hear from travelers that you have joined the Tipa caravan. That was your dream as a child, yes? Congratulations.

    I told you not to go on the spaceships. You will be eaten by demons!

    Things are doing well for Shella. I'm enjoying myself here, although I miss your mother every day. However, now knowing that you're in a caravan, maybe you can come by and visit me. We could catch up, a bit.

    You know, it a duel.

    I am quite interested to hear about your journey, so come by soon. I simply MUST insist.

    -From, Your Father

    Creston read the letter once, then twice. And he felt the same feeling he had felt when he saw Armstrong. A rather frightened feel…no, not fright…anticipation…uneasiness.

    Lest we forget, this is final fantasy. Oddly shaped houses are commonplace.

    Star and Nieta both read Creston's letter, saying that it was nice that Creston would get to visit his father. They thought it would be nice. Creston thought it would be awful.

    His dad would totally trip up his style, man!

    'Clever bastard,' he thought. 'None of them understand what this letter truly means.'

    He set the paper down with a sigh. He leaned against the myrrh tree while Star and Nieta finished writing their responses. Once they had, he waved a hand to them.

    "Come on," he said, smiling behind his mask. He would worry about his father later. "Let's get back. Our friends will be waiting for us."

    Star and Nieta looked over. They were smiling, too. But Creston saw that they were uneasy smiles.

    He remembered he forgot to wear pants.

    As they started to go back to the caravan, they knew that none of them would ever be the same again.

    Tida had changed them.

    Forever.

    They forgot all about Tipa. It was taco night.

    Finally done. This chapter was WAY longer than I expected it to be.

    Favorite parts: Armstrong's sad tale, Armstrong battle (duh), Creston's mysterious letter, and the final note at the end saying the Tida had changed them for good.

    This chapter was DARK. Very DARK.

    Armstrong's story was included because it tells just HOW Tida came to perish. I used Armstrong in this manner because I sort of wanted a first-hand account of the downfall of Tida.

    So- Armstrong. The way I see him is a very sad individual. I think that the spirits of the people who lived inside of him live on inside of him (basically- his resident's memories and experiences became Armstrong). However, I also see him as the ONLY monster to dislike "the memory eater" (I shall not say his name because of spoilers!), seeing that the "memory eater" destroyed his village. Therefore, Armstrong in this story has a sort of human side to him, but in a monstrous body.

    As for Creston's letter. Ohoho~! I put that in because the next character chapter is Creston's. It's going to occur in the third year, at Shella, and will later continue in Rebena Te Ra. But a tiny little spoiler: Creston does NOT get along with his father.

    Que: O rly?
    DA: Ya rly?
    Que: NO WAI
    DA: YA WAI


    Also, speaking of character chapters, I have most planned out, but the only two I'm having trouble with is Star and Mika. If anyone sends me an idea that I like and I use, then I'll dedicate Star or Mika's character chapter to that person Very Happy.

    Star is an elephant turned clavat and Mika was once a brick. Write it now.

    Next Chapter: PARALLEL CHAPTER. While the three were at Tida, what did the other five caravanners do in Alfitaria?

    Vegetate?

    Watch Sam recover and have strange fantasies,

    Giggity

    Lianora worry,

    I'M SO INTERESTED

    Garrett and Mika be pulled into a mystery,

    Those meddling pricks...

    and Ray walk into the palace and have a chat with the king himself.

    One cannot simply walk into the palace!

    All in the next installment of Final Fantasy: Tipa's Crystal Chronicles!

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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:01 am

    20. We heard you like Pancakes.

    Spoiler:

    Time for another chapter. Due to my laptop being fixed (it had broke) I can update a lot quicker now!

    Funny, I'm able to upload things faster when my laptop breaks.

    So! This chapter…basically…uh…what went on in Alfitaria while Creston, Star, and Nieta were at Tida.

    Sam is now completely cured (I don't wanna keep writing about how sick he is),

    One moment he was so sick, he mistook Mika for a beautiful woman. Then he became completely cured of his illness. Then he saw Mika. He got sick again. At that moment, he was so sick, he mistook Mika for a beautiful woman. Then he became completely cured of his illness...

    Lianora worries about the three missing caravanners, Ray invades the royal palace and gives the guards a ticking off of a lifetime, and Mika and Garrett discover the princess is missing!

    She heard there was going to be a fanfiction in town. Its worse than the plague.

    So, anyway, it is time for the chapter to begin! *party horn blows*

    Sir, that's very inappropriate.

    While Creston, Star, and Nieta were in Tida, things in Alfitaria were…well…weird.

    Normal, by anyone else's standards. This is a fanfiction, remember?

    Apparently, rumors were going around about everything; the Tipa caravan,

    ITS TEAM PRICK, DAMMIT.

    the princess,

    The town crier told me she and the Lords of Neighboring Cities formed an army.The Lords of Neighboring Cities were actually just a solo group, but they roomed together with the princess during college. Naturally, they decided to make an army.

    deaths, monsters,

    The bomb family reunion got rather explosive.

    and of course, Nieta.

    Rumor had it she had two area codes now.

    Lianora was getting a bit sick of hearing whispering every time she walked down the street.

    Lianora: NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! BWAA BWAA BWAA

    It sure didn't help her worrying, that's for sure.

    She was worried that Creston was going to get hurt in Tida. Star and Nieta, too (but mostly Creston- though she wouldn't admit it).

    The author spoke of hints of future romance. I see none.

    The whole "showdown" with the king made the Tipa caravan rather infamous in the big city as well, so naturally, people stared at the Yuke female as she walked throughout the markets and buildings of Alfitaria.

    No, she just forgot to wear pants that morning. Stupid Lianora, raising more infamy for team prick.

    As she waited outside of a building, Lia was going over her supplies for when the caravanners went to Moschet Manor. Food-check, weapons-check, randomly assorted items-check.

    Awkwardly shapes sticks - SHIT WE'RE OUT

    She heard a door open, and she looked over at Sam.

    He, surprisingly, looked like Sam. However, Lianora knew better. This Sam was the reall deal.

    The Clavat was smiling as he walked out of the building.

    Sam: ...uh...don't go in there for a long time.
    Lianora: Like, how long?
    Sam: How long does it take a body to decompose?


    "Completely cured," he said. "And this time, it's true."

    Then he saw Mika. He collapsed.

    Lia smiled behind her mask.

    She bought this mask for Nieta.

    She had no idea why Nieta ran away screaming.

    It was good that Sam was completely on his feet again. "That's great news!"

    Curses! That poison wasn't as lethal as he said it was...

    "Yeah…now I can finally be closer to you guys without worrying about infecting you," joked Sam, standing beside her, leaning against a wall. "Although, I consider most of it thanks to you guys- I mean, you paying for my bills, Creston letting me rest in his house, Star taking care of me- you're all such good friends."

    "It's what friends are for," said Lia simply.

    Lia: Oh yeah, Sam. Speaking about that, you owe me 10,000 gil, friend.

    Sam looked around curiously. "Have you seen the others anywhere?"

    "Last I saw, Mika and Garrett headed off to get weapon upgrades.

    Silly Mika and stupid Garrett - you can't upgrade awkwardly shaped sticks, they're perfect the way they are.

    As for Ray, I have no idea. I just hope Garrett's head has cooled. I don't want him getting in trouble."

    "Nah, Garrett's fine. I'm more worried about Ray," said Sam. "Ray is always looking for trouble…"

    Sam had no idea how right he was.

    DERP

    000000000000000000000000

    The king of Alfitaria was reading a letter sent to him from Marr's Pass, when he heard a knock on his door.

    King: It had better not be some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril.

    "Come in," said the king. A guard walked in.

    King: I HATE IT WHEN I'M RIGHT.

    "What is it?"

    "Um…your majesty…you have a visitor," explained the guard.

    King: The cops again?

    "Who is it?" asked the king sharply.

    "A Selkie, sir," replied his guard. "He snuck up the wall and entered the sitting room through the window."

    King: How rude! Don't visitors know we have a door? Honestly.

    "Send him away," said the king, slightly irritated.

    King: Take him outside an tell him to knock on the door like a proper visitor. Once he does, throw him in the dungeon for tresspassing.

    He wasn't in the mood for conversation ever since the Nieta incident. The king was feeling continuously guilty with the way he acted.

    He should've ordered the crossbowmen to silver their bolts. Rumor had it those selkies were werewolves.

    "Sir…," said the guard awkwardly. "It's the Selkie from the Tipa caravan. And he said to me 'Tell Mr. King this just can't wait.'"

    Better get those silver bolts.

    The king remembered those same words from before. He got up from the chair he was seated in.

    A symphony of bone cracks followed.

    "Very well," said the king. "I'll go speak with him…

    000000000000000000000000

    The king walked into his sitting room. The room was well furnished, with about four armchairs and a sofa. A fancy carpet was on the floor, and a fireplace was behind the chairs. There was also a table, with flowers and a fruit bowl on it (which, surprisingly, was empty).

    Dur, where did all the fruit go?

    The king looked over at the sofa to see Ray lying there. He had his feet kicked up onto the cushions, and was twirling a striped apple core in his hand. Several other apple cores were lying beside him (that explained the missing fruit).

    NO REALLY

    'Typical Selkie,' thought the king, a little annoyed. But he didn't let his frustration show.

    "How can I help you?" asked the king.

    I heard you like striped apples...

    "Oh, just looking for some friendly conversation," replied Ray cheerfully.

    And to tell remind you to get more apples. These things are awesome.

    "I don't think it's just that," answered the king, searching the Selkie's face. Too bad Ray was hard to read.

    Its not hard. Ray = prick.

    "Okay, ya caught me," said Ray.

    "Then what is this about?" demanded the king.

    "About how you were acting like a total ass when the whole "Nieta marriage" thing went down."

    Ray: You were being a total ass, unlike me, brah. We so assholey, Mr. King? This can't wait.

    The king winced. He wasn't used to being treated with disrespect…well, he wouldn't call it disrespect, as the king knew it was true. More like brutal honesty. But he hadn't expected Ray to be so…blunt. Though he had to admire the Selkie's boldness.

    Well, if I were the king, I'd execute him and revive him several times over for the lulz. I mean really, Phoenix Downs aren't that hard to come across.

    "I mean, tell you the truth, you were being a pompous, self important jerk. Of course you're a king, so I could expect that…"

    REDUNDANCY WINS!

    The king's eyes hardened. "That's a stereotype," he said, small anger creeping into his tone. "You shouldn't judge me."

    KINGS HAVE FEELINGS TOO

    "You judged me as soon as you found out I ate your apples," Ray shot back.

    Ray enjoyed the kings apples. Remember that.

    The king winced for a second time.

    ...lame king is lame

    "Touché," said the king, sitting down in an arm chair. "It's Ray, isn't it?"

    "The one and only," said Ray, flashing a grin.

    Well, good. I was afraid your kind would reproduce like bunnies [s]american teenagers.[/s]

    "So what is this about? You can't have come just to tell me this."

    "Well, I want to understand a little," said Ray. "YOU would know about marriage issues, seeing that you had an inter-tribe marriage. Although, I wouldn't complain, seeing that your daughter is quite good-looking.

    Dur she purty.

    But I personally thought you would understand Nieta's dilemma a bit, seeing how you got gossiped about after YOUR marriage, Mr. King."

    OMG YAY GOSSIP.

    "You're absolutely right," agreed the Lilty. Ray raised an eyebrow, surprised.

    Everything surprises Ray.

    "You see, when Nieta was young, I liked her. A lot.

    She loved bears. I followed her all the time in my bear costume. It was pretty beary, I have to say.

    But then the upper-class nobles complained to me.

    They wondered why I wasn't doing my job, as king of the country. Damn fools shouldn't tell me how to rule. I should totally, like, ban their asses. What do you think? Advise me man!

    They wondered why Nieta was allowed to roughhouse and act improper while THEIR children couldn't."

    "But not only that. You see, there's a thing every rich person wants. Money."

    And tax cuts. Don't forget the tax cuts. Big tax cuts.

    Ray nodded, understanding. "But you haven't explained the whole story," he pointed out.

    DUR I STATE THE OBVIOUS. I SO SMART

    "Well, you see, when they asked to set up the marriage, I refused at first. But then they told me how all of the children were misbehaving, and how Nieta's behavior was causing uproar. I told them how I talked to Nieta, but they didn't believe me. They told me if I didn't take action, I would lose the respect of the people," continued the king.

    Lose it? Don't worry, you never had it.

    "At first, I didn't care. I had already lost respect for marrying a Clavat, and that hadn't bothered me at all.

    DERP

    But, the problem is, I'm very old. I'm going to pass away in a few years, and then my daughter will take the throne. Then the nobles said that if I had lost respect of the people, so had the princess, and that something unfortunate could happen once she took the throne."

    Team Prick would assume power. We would all be screwed.

    "So they threatened you?" asked Ray incredulously.

    Yes, they threatened me with the Spanish Inquisition! I could never have forseen that!

    "No," said the king wearily. "They implied it though.

    They poked a mannequin of me with a feather and twirled noisemakers while singing Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows while dancing around it. Those sadists must pay!

    But I couldn't prove that they directly threatened me. So then, I agreed to their idea, to protect my daughter."

    You see, she's allergic to treachery. Nothing much really, just a few sneezes, but it goes crazy whenever my wife is around. It really annoys both of us.

    "And sacrificing Nieta," muttered Ray.

    I never was thanked for that. Seriously, I deserve more credit for that.

    "Yes and no," said the king.

    This king is very indecisive.

    "When her father came to talk to me about her daughter's behavior, I told him entirely that I did not disapprove of her behavior, and it was all an act. I believe Nieta mentioned to you how she left the village, correct?"

    "Yeah, Garrett told me her story," said Ray, not exactly sure where this was going.

    "I talked to her father the day before she left. I told him that I would help him smuggle her out. So the day Nieta's family left, I held a speech, while they moved out inconspicuously."

    They dressed in bright neon clothing and caused a ruckus. No one noticed anything strange.

    "So wait…you HELPED Nieta?" asked Ray, stunned.

    DERP

    "Yes…I was planning to help her this time, but you already smuggled her out, so there was no need," explained the Lilty.

    I was going to marry her to a log named Rollid and strap her to it, then put her and her bondage-lover into a river. Best escape ever, right?

    The Selkie had not expected this at all. "Wow…sorry about the whole bastard thing…"

    You still are a character without parents. I'll still call you a bastard.

    "No, those insults were correct," argued the king, scratching his head. "Forgive me, but with the people watching, I had to keep up the act that I had before. That way, my family and Nieta, are both in no danger."

    Ray nodded. "Gotta admit…nice plan, Mr. King."

    Team Prick can't think two steps ahead of itself. Maybe we could hire you as a strategist-

    TOO MUCH FORETHOUGHT, DOES NOT COMPUTE


    "Well, I'm just glad we understand each other now," said the king getting up.

    YOU'RE STILL A DICK

    "Yep…nice chattin' with ya," said Ray, before he walked over to a window and hopped out.

    Ray then broke every bone in his body. He sure knew how to make an exit.

    The king stared after him. "Did he honestly come in through the window?"

    DERP

    0000000000000000000000000000

    Ray hopped down from the window, waving cheerfully to the Lilty guards (who were giving him death glares, angry at how easily he had evaded them), and walked off into the city streets.

    With their heavy [s]bondage gear[/s] armor, movement was almost impossible.

    Casually, he took a striped apple from a food stand, unnoticed, and walked on, looking around the big town.

    ...

    Up ahead, he caught sight of Garrett and Mika. He walked over to them.

    He then tripped and fell through a plot hole.
    He landed on Edward. Bella immediately fell in love with Ray.


    "Hey there, caravanners!" he said, waving. They both looked up at him.

    "Where the heck have you been?" asked Mika.

    Well, I just killed the king.

    "Were you worried about me?" asked Ray, winking.

    He wasn't sure how to wink, so he just stabbed himself in the eye. Every loves it when he does that.

    Mika rolled her eyes.

    She wished she was as smart as him.

    "No, we were wondering if you've seen the princess," asked Mika.

    We're planning to kill her-I mean get her some apples!

    "Not where I was," commented Ray, taking a bite out of his apple. He offered it to Mika "Apple?"

    "Please," said the female Selkie, taking a bite out of it. "Mmmm…good…where'd ya get it?"

    Mika loves Ray's apples.
    Logically, Mika would love the king’s apples.


    "Food stand. They didn't mind that I took it."

    "You stole it, didn't you?" asked Mika, raising an eyebrow.

    "Yep," said Ray.

    "Nice one," said Mika, high fiving him with a smirk.

    He didn't notice she stole his belt, wallet, and virginity.

    "Uh…anyways," interrupted Garrett, sipping some spring water. "Where HAVE you been Ray?"

    HAVE was a new word for Garrett. It took him a year to learn it.

    "Talkin' with the king," responded Ray, taking another bite out of his apple.

    He's like the king, like, he's, like, the, like, boss, of, like, like...this, like, place.


    Garrett spit out his water into Mika's hair, much to her chagrin.

    She prefered Sam's spit in her hair.

    "WHAT!" he yelled.

    WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME!? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH!?

    "I said that I talked with the king," repeated Ray.

    "B-but…wait…what?" asked Garrett.

    Oh, just the king. Garrett thought Ray visited the 4chan board. That place sucks.

    "How'd you get in?" asked Mika, gaping.

    "Window."

    "And it worked? I'll remember that next time I sneak into a building…"

    Ray: Just make sure its the 5th one. And make sure you fall into a courtyard. Make sure you fall headfirst. It really clears up your sinuses.

    "Will you two both stop talking about things that are illegal?" asked Garrett, rolling his eyes.

    Seriously guys, I want to talk about underage drinking and piracy! Perfectly wholesome acts!

    He glanced at Ray. "What'd you talk to the king about?"

    I discussed with him the proper raiding technique. He kept on telling me the first thing to do was to slaughter everyone, then convince them they are your trusted allies.

    "Nieta," answered Ray.

    Using code words, here.

    "Oh…," said Garrett, his tone more flat. "The bastard…"

    OMGSODULL
    [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z2Z23SAFVA[/video]


    "Hey, he ain't so bad," said Ray.

    His apples are awesome, really.

    Garrett gave him an "are-you-crazy?" look.

    Then Ray slapped him. It was a stupid question.

    "Long story. I'm sure you'll all hear it later after I talk to Nieta about it. So, what happened to the princess?"

    "Well you see…," said Garrett.

    This one time, at band camp...

    0000000000000000FLASHBACK00000000000000

    Garrett took the weapon from the blacksmith.

    MINE, YOU THIEF!

    "Sweet!" He paid the man, and was on his way.

    Mika was waiting for him, eating a cob of round corn.

    So, Mika, I heard you like Phallic foods...

    "What took you so long?"

    I was saving the world, jeez, bitch.

    Garrett gave her a glare. "It took twenty minutes," he growled.

    "Twenty-three."

    MIKA CAN COUNT!?

    "Well, you clearly had a lot to do," he pointed out sarcastically.

    Mika was saving the universe. Top that, Garrett.

    But before the argument could escalate, a Lilty guard ran up to them, although he was dressed in different armor than the other guards.

    It wasn't bondage armor. Garrett hated his type, not living up to the proper, tasteful, Lilty way. He stuck his nose into the air.

    "Excuse me," he said hurriedly. "Have you seen Princess Fiona anywhere?"

    "Uh…what?" asked Mika. "Can you say that again?"

    Mika can count, but can she understand English?

    The guard stomped his foot impatiently. "Princess Fiona! Princess of Alfitaria! Have you seen her?"

    Mika no understand.

    "Uh…no…we haven't…but…uh…who the heck ARE you?" asked Garrett.

    "My name is Knocfelna," said the Lilty.

    ...what scares me is that I think I know how to say this.

    "I am Princess Fiona's protector. I need to find her at once."

    "Couldn't she just be…in the palace?" asked Garrett.

    ...wouldn't he just be coming from this palace, the princess would live there, right?

    "Good idea!" exclaimed the guard before running off.

    ...
    How the hell any Lilty could run a kingdom, I've no idea.


    Mika looked after him, smirking.

    "I got his wallet," she said to Garrett.

    And his virginity, belt, and alcohol.

    00000000000000BACK TO PRESENT TIME00000000000000000

    "So let me get this straight," asked Ray, grinning. "You stole the guys wallet, and he didn't even notice?"

    Mika:Well, Ray, you've no right to talk. You haven't even noticed yours is missing.
    Garrett: WOAH, RAY, WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY PANTS!?
    RAY: Wait, what - WHAT THE HELL


    Mika grinned proudly, and nodded, holding it out to him.

    Ray stole it and ran off. He checked how much was in it - empty.

    "That wasn't the point of the story, but yeah, she got his wallet," mumbled Garrett.

    "Well, I haven't seen any princesses lately," explained Ray.

    But, this one time at band camp

    "It would've helped that I had known beforehand.

    "Oh well…," said Garrett.

    "Let's not worry about it," said Ray. He turned to Mika. "So how'd you get the wallet?"

    HAX

    But before Mika could answer, Sam ran up to the trio.

    He wondered why Ray wasn't wearing any pant[s]ies[/s]. Stupid selkie

    "Hey guys, come on," he said.

    Put your damn clothes on, Ray. Stop dressing like a stripper, Garrett.
    Then he looked at Mika. He got deathly sick again. He mistook Mika for a beautiful woman. Then he suddenly got better. Then he looked at Mika again...


    "The others are back from Tida." He ran back in the direction he came. The others ran after him quickly.

    Garrett knew as soon as he saw the three that something was up.

    Their eyes were those of Hypnotoad!

    The haunted looks in their eyes, the strained smiles. He even caught hands trembling at times.

    Sam didn't notice it. He was a druggie himself.

    Tida must've been awful.

    A real tourist trap, it was.

    Nieta walked up to him, and handed Garrett back his spear.

    He looked at her questioningly. "What happened to yours?" he asked.

    I threw it into the fires of mount doom. It had to be done.

    "Broken," she responded, simply shrugging her shoulders.

    Team Prick has codewords for everything.

    Garrett looked at her, then glanced at the new spear on his back.

    It was stripperific.

    "Here," he said, handing it to her.

    "But- that's yours-"

    "I like my old one better," muttered Garrett. "Don't think I'm doing this just to be nice. 'Cause I'm not. Now come on. You look dead on your feet."

    Nieta smiled as she hopped into the wagon. He may not have meant to be nice, but it was nice all the same.

    000000000000000000000

    "Was it bad?" asked Sam, looking at Star.

    NO IT WAS MY BEST DAY EVER.

    The two sat next to each other, watching the sunset. The Tipa caravan had moved a bit far away from Alfitaria, as to gain distance from all the hustle and bustle of Alfitaria, and it put Nieta at ease to be away from there.

    "Well, more sad then bad," the Clavat girl responded. "It makes you wonder…could that ever happen to us?"

    I wish.

    "We'll be fine," said Sam. "I mean, we've got smart Lianora, Creston who's got skill in magic,

    They're useless

    Nieta and Garrett, who are both strong,

    But can't do shit.

    Mika who's quick and agile, Ray who's…well…quick and agile too.

    They're worthless.

    And then there's you-" Sam trailed off.

    ...why are you even with us, I wonder...

    Star laughed. "And what about me?" she asked.

    DUR YOU'RE PURTY

    "Well…uh…you're…a valuable teammate, a strong fighter…and a good friend," continued Sam, smiling at her. Star blushed a little.

    Codewords. For. Everything.

    "Thanks," she said. "But you're the one who leads us all."

    LOL LEADERSHIP.

    "Well…I just do what I think is right," said Sam, shrugging.

    SWEET RAVE PARTY EVERY NIGHT AND EVERY DAY.
    I'd make an awesome leader.


    Then Ray's voice echoed across the field. "Yo, Sam, Star, get back here. Dinner's ready!"

    .Obligatory-anime-fail-dinner-scene

    Smiling, the two Clavats returned to their friends and settled down to eat.

    TWENTIETH CHAPTER! YES!

    Oh, holy shit, twenty chapters?

    Favorite parts: Ray talking with the king, Mika and Ray's conversation about stealing, and Garrett giving Nieta his new spear.

    lol Symbolism.

    (We all know you like her, Garrett).

    You ruined it.

    Way to ruin the Clavats' moment, Ray. XD

    STFU AUTHOR

    So now we know what TRULY went on with the king and Nieta. He's a nice guy, isn't he?

    Nah.

    On the downside: the princess is missing. Sucks for you, king.

    Poor Creston, Star, and Nieta. They'll be having nightmares about killer houses for a while. But who would be scared of a living house?

    Armstrong: Hello…mortal.

    Mortal: Hello!

    *freaks out* Okay, moving on… this chapter's title is from the conversation with Ray and the King (Aw, Ray sticking up for his friends) and Mika stealing the wallet (I laughed when I wrote that).

    I punched a baby in the face. Its mother thanked me.

    Next Chapter: Moschet Manor! Jack Moschet is hungry for dinner.

    OH YEAH TIME FOR A HELL'S KITCHEN EPISODE.

    And the caravanners can't seem to sneak to the myrrh tree without him noticing. Therefore, they form a risky plan to lure the Gigas Lord out into his courtyard.

    LAME! HELL'S KITCHEN PARODY, NOW!

    But when facing killer chefs and a returning foe, will the plan succeed, despite the risk?
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:02 am


    21. The Starvation of Jack Moschet

    Spoiler:

    *small fanfare* Do you know what time it is?

    Its bone time.

    Neither do I.

    Silly author. Its always bone time!

    But!

    Now we shall have another episode, chapter, session, whatever…of Final Fantasy: Tipa's Crystal Chronicles. *applause*

    Damn, I came here for the [s]sex addicts[/s] fanfiction lovers meeting.
    Yeah, I'm that sad. Fanfiction. Its really low, I know.


    So yeah, in this chapter, mainly the gang goes to Moschet Manor. They form a plan to try and defeat Jack as soon as possible (they don't have all the time in the world).

    Bullshit, there's no arbitrary time limit on screen!

    Time to announce the return of an enemy.

    The grammar nazis be coming.

    Remember the gremlin that Ray fought in Mushroom Forest? HE RETURNS! I have named him Gremmy, although he has no name in the story.

    Gremmy deserves a Grammy for his name.

    Other than that, not much, although the gang will be receiving letters from the mail moogle in the beginning of the chapter, and later in the next chapter after Jack gets owned.

    Jack gets owned like a boss.
    I meant to say that so it came across funny, but now it just seems logical.


    One last thing- I gave the Tonberries funny/stupid names XD.

    Like Garrett and Mika.

    Time to start the show! *pulls a curtain up*

    OH GOD HE'S FLASHING US

    "There's Moschet Manor," said Lianora, pointing.

    Mika slapped her, she was pointing at an ant hill.

    There was a large building looming up ahead, seeming almost as large as the Mushroom Forest, if not larger.

    Mika: Ah, Mushroom Forest, land of annoying flying monsters and ridiculously small worms-

    damn, I hate that place.


    It looked simple enough.

    It was an ordinary day in Team Prick's world of fantasias and crackheads.

    It wouldn't take long to gather the myrrh and head home.

    It looked like an ordinary, oversized, dilapidated house. But nothing could prepare them for-

    As the caravanners trekked toward the building, a voice rang out behind them: "KUPO!"

    Damn mailman breaking the damn drama that the damn MSTer is damn horrible at building.

    A mailmoogle ran up to them. "I've got mail, kupo!"

    He was one of the many, many people who auditioned for America Online's “You've got mail!" and failed. He's been practicing ever since, hoping that America Online will make a comeback.

    "You're supposed to wait until after we finish getting a drop of myrrh," pointed out Ray.

    Ray. you're supposed to wait until after we finish the chapter to complain like a fanboy!

    "Don't tell me how to do my job, kupo," retorted the moogle. "I have a lot of letters for you, so come on, take 'em."

    Take your damn fanmail! I hope someone sent you a letterbomb.

    Curious, the caravanners took the letters.

    Sam opened his.

    EXPLOSION!? Very Happy

    Hey there, Sam,

    Damn

    How have you been?

    Sick.

    Kill a lot of monsters?

    Well, I was sick. So no.

    Is your fever better?

    No

    Come on, tell me about your adventures some time.

    What adventures?

    Also, try and find a girl out there. I need grandchildren!

    Or else she'll pull a cougar on her own son.

    Love, Mom.

    She doesn't expect much of her son, I guess.

    Sam raised an eyebrow. Then he smiled, and wrote out a reply.

    His middle name is Oedipus.

    Star read her letter.

    LOL SHE CAN"T READ

    Star,

    Thought you might need some food. I sent you some meat and some of Bessie's milk. Hope you enjoy it.

    OH AND IT IS DEFINITELY NOT POISONED.

    Come back safely.

    LOL IRONY

    Love, Dad.

    Star quickly wrote a thank-you letter in reply to her father.

    Garrett growled at his letter.

    He didn't know how to open the seal.

    Hey, half-pint,

    TL;DR:You suck, everyone hates you.

    How's the adventure going? Gettin' your ass whooped by monsters? I can't wait to see how many scars you've got. Also, get back here soon- I can't do all the work myself.

    Signed, Markin (Your brother, moron)

    Garrett ripped his letter in half.

    Good work, Garrett. That letter, jeez, that had me scared.

    "I'm going to kill him," he growled.

    Nieta read her letter curiously.

    Its seal reminded her of those damn bombs.

    Dear Nieta,

    I haven't seen you lately, so I've been wanting to ask: will you PLEASE return to Alfitaria? It's for your own good, young lady! Please come back to your home.

    Signed, Denilla.

    Nieta wrote her reply on the back of the letter: No.

    How polite.

    Lia wondered who had sent a letter to her.

    Lia,

    How are you doing out there? I hope you've made some friends. I remember you were so shy and quiet as a child, so you didn't make many friends.

    Ouch

    Of course, that just led you to helping around the house more.

    HINT HINT GO DIE SOMEWHERE HINT HINT

    Bah, listen to me, reminiscing like an old buffoon.

    That you are, dumbass.

    Point is, be careful out there.

    Leave no stone untouched!Be sure to leap off any cliffs you come across!

    Love, Gramps.

    Lianora giggled, before scribbling down a hasty reply.

    Mika groaned when she saw her letter.

    Hey, beautiful,

    This guy must be sicker than Sam.

    Remember me? The kid from Marr's Pass? I was hanging with a Selkie, two Clavats, and a Lilty?

    Nope. Unimportant character filter always does it job properly.

    Yeah, I got a hold of your name.

    Professional stalker is professional.

    So listen, I was wonderin', have you ditched your boyfriend yet? If you have, then swing by Marr's Pass, and maybe we can…make amends.

    Make amends, as in play Scrabble. What say you?

    Eh?

    Canananananananadian alert.

    Mika crumpled up her letter, and threw it aside. "No thanks," she muttered.

    Creston was also dealing with romantic interests.

    AW YEAH.

    Dear handsome, gorgeous, Creston,

    He was getting attention from both sides of the spectrum.

    How did the funeral at Shella go? We're so sorry about your girlfriend. But listen, if you ever wanted to try and…find someone else…pick me!

    How nice of you to include your name.

    Creston noticed five other letters addressed to him, each with a little heart on it. He smacked his forehead (or…at least where his forehead WOULD be).

    He kicked Ray in the crotch. A random guess was as good as any.

    Ray was staring at his letter.

    It took him a while to realize that he wasn't illiterate.

    Hey Ray,

    Listen, I've got great news! The Leuda caravan came by and bought supplies from me. When I asked them where they were headed, they said they were going to Conall Curach!

    I realized that this could be a chance to find out what happened to our parents! So I offered to tag along with them, and they said yes! So now I'm on the road, just like you! If I find anything out, I'll send it to you in a letter.

    Be good out there, and take care of the shop when you return with myrrh for Tipa. I've already left Tipa after I sent this, so I'll probably be in Conall Curach by the time you get this. So wish me luck!

    …okay, never mind the be good part. I know you won't listen. You little shit.

    I like her.

    With Love, Your Big Sister, Dah Zul

    Ray wrote a reply to her wishing her luck, and saying that they would meet up some time out on the road. He smiled. He was really close with his sister.

    Real close.


    Real Close


    She was the only family he had.

    "Well, I'm off, kupo!" said the moogle, running off.

    Mog, Que: TAKE ME WITH YOU.

    The caravanners moved on to the enormous manor.

    00000000000000000000000

    The manor was rather quiet. But all of a sudden, that changed.

    BANG! Jack Moschet ran out of his chambers, roaring furiously.

    RABBA RABBA RABBA

    "I'M STARVING!" he shouted. "WHERE'S MY DINNER! TONBERRIES! GET OUT HERE!"

    I OWN A MANOR AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FIX MY OWN DINNER.

    His loyal Tonberry Chefs walked out of a room. "Yes, Mr. Gigas Lora? What is it?" asked one Tonberry, named Bonkers.

    Oh, Bonkers.

    "Where's my dinner," snarled the enormous Gigas. He was dressed in elegant purple clothes, as well as some fancy furs. His eyes were red, and his teeth sharp, bared in a horrible grimace. His arms and hands were hairy, as well as his entire body. He seemed to have a lot of gems and jewels in his clothing, showing off his wealth.

    A rich person's wet dream.

    "I'm hungry."

    Chefs: REALLY NOW!?

    But before the chef could answer, a yawn was heard from another room. Suddenly, a giant Lamia emerged from another room.

    lolwut

    She two was dressed in fancy clothing.

    I two was sad too read this.

    "Jack, where's dinner?" she asked tiredly. "I just woke from my nap."

    How many casualties were there?

    "I…er…I forgot," he mumbled. "I'm getting it made right now."

    "How DARE you forget MY dinner!" bellowed Maggie at her husband.

    Jack: How DARE you forget that I am a worthless buffoon!

    ((Author's Note: Yes, I took the above part DIRECTLY from the game))

    OMG PLAGERISM PLAGERISM PLAGERISM PLAGERISM PLAGERISM
    Oh wait, this is a fanfiction...
    yeah...


    Jack sweated under his hair. "It'll be ready soon, my dear," he assured.

    In fan fiction land, animals have sweat glands under their fur. Ever see a dog, author?

    "It better be," said Maggie, moving back to her room.

    Maggie: Or else I'll marry that poor, loveable oaf and leave for lazy, sleazy ass for a man who respects me! Haven't you ever seen what a girl wants!?

    "Listen you," growled Jack, picking up another Tonberry named Dongle. "I want dinner made, and I want it made FAST, ya hear me?" The poor chef nodded. "Good. Come and get me when I'm ready. I'll be outside by the myrrh tree in the backyard. Got it?" The Tonberry nodded hastily, before Jack dropped him. The Tonberry scuttled away, his comrades following him. Jack, meanwhile, ran back through the doors and out of sight.

    It took a while, the doors were translucent.

    0000000000000000000000000

    Nieta stared widely at the doors the Gigas Lord had left through. "We have to deal with THAT?"

    Oh no, this is just a final dungeon tease.

    The others stood around her, hiding behind the two pillars at the entrance of the manor. Star and Sam mirrored her shocked face,

    DURP

    while Garrett and Ray grinned at the prospect of adventure.

    One of them would be the monarch of the butterflies. Garret would be Jack and Ray would be Ralph.

    Mika was tense with anticipation, while the Yukes…well, no one could tell what the Yukes were thinking. Stupid masks.

    The damn masks reminded her of bombs.

    "Well…we can't get to the myrrh tree," whispered Creston. "You heard what that thing said. He's sitting out there…probably guarding it."

    He's not guarding it actually, he’s only meditating. Him just being there wards off any carvanners simply because he's do damn stagnant to approach. Its a total turn-on for Maggie though.

    "Well, what do we do?" asked Mika. "There's no way we can steal the myrrh while he's around. Even if he leaves it unguarded while he eats his dinner, I still don't want to risk it."

    Garrett looked at her questioningly. "Why not just take the myrrh and go?"

    ...yeah, just ignore the fact that this game is an RPG and not a stealth game.Stupid Garrett.

    Mika rolled her eyes. "We might tick him off. And if he isn't defeated, he might seek revenge."

    Because that definitely wouldn't happen if you randomly pop in a beat his ass. Perfect plan.

    Images of Jack Moschet tearing up Tipa flashed through Garrett's mind.

    Ah, I dream of better days.

    He nodded, agreeing with Mika.

    HE DIDN'T WANT NO BAD THING TO HAPPEN TO TOWN OF HIS BIRTH.

    "Well, we can't wait for him to eat dinner!" whispered Star urgently. "It'll take too long."

    "Well then…I have an idea…but it's risky," said Creston, after looking around the manor.

    An illogical and impractical plan any four-year old could see the flaws in?
    PERFECT


    "Which is?" asked Lia.

    "You see those switches in front of the doors?" asked Creston.

    Which hire a spy to sap them and bam, all the doors open!

    "They have the symbols over the four tribes on them. My guess is that if a tribe member stands on his or her symbol, the door opens. I think this manor belonged to the four tribes long ago, but Jack stole it. So, if we can access every room in the manor, then we can carry out my plan."

    Jack is going to be so pissed when he sees us writing “Killroy was here" all over his rooms!

    "Which is?" asked Sam curiously.

    Shut up and listen, Sam.

    "We kill all of the chefs, causing an impatient Jack Moschet to come looking for them.

    MURDER SOLVES EVERYTHING.

    Once we get him out in the open, we take him out. THEN we head to the myrrh tree.

    It won't feel right if we don't beat the boss of this srea though.

    But there's a small problem…"

    A small, glaring, obvious problem.

    "Which is?" asked Ray, for the third time.

    Fourth time. Definitely.

    "We would all have to travel room by room, which would take a while," theorized Creston. "But I think there's a risky way around it."

    "What is it?" asked Star.

    C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

    "We leave the chalice in the exact center of the manor.

    THE EXACT CENTER!? Well, we’ve gotta use calculus to figure this one out

    Then, all of us rush out of the crystal's barrier, and into one of the six rooms.

    And leave the crystal unprotected. Brilliant.

    After that, as soon as we take out all the chefs in one room, we return to the chalice before the miasma does any serious damage.

    Shouldn't all the chefs, I don't know, be in just one room? The kitchen? Where they belong?

    ...thinking of which, which gender are these cooks?


    The myrrh tree is fairly close, so we shouldn't suffer SEVERE damage."

    Even though one of the definitions of miasma is a lethal poison, we're willing to take that chance...

    "Okay…now before we go, listen," said Creston. He pointed to the closest door to the left. "No chefs are in there.

    Why thank you, Mr. Strategy Guide.

    Only that lamia wife, Maggie. Hopefully, we won't need to bother with her. Also, the center door furthest away is rather large. I think two people should go in that room together."

    Preferably me and all 4 girls. The two of us will need all the space.

    "Oh and by the way, let's take out the enemies in the courtyard first," said Ray, pointing. Two leopard creatures were prowling in the grass.

    Couerl: Oh, don't mind us, we'll just sit here with our thumbs up our asses. Strategize as loud as you like, we don't mind.

    "Couerls," said Lianora. "They're very adept in magic. Be careful."

    Garrett hurled his spear. It whistled as it flew through the air. It stabbed a couerl in a side.

    Nice magic there.

    The cat let out an angry hiss, before falling over, dead.

    Its allies, logically, just ignored it. It rained giant steel spears every other day.

    "Or we could use that method," said Ray, shrugging. The eight caravanners rushed out into the center of the courtyard. Lianora and Sam finished off the second couerl with a thunder spell and a slash respectively. But as they were about to initiate their plan, a loud screech sounded overhead.

    You know a joke is getting old when even final fantasy is making fun of Justin Bieber.

    "Uh…guys?" asked Nieta, backing up a bit. "Are the gargoyles SUPPOSED to be alive?"

    DUH

    "Not necessarily," responded Creston with scorn. "Of course the Gigas Lord wouldn't have any guards stationed in his home."

    Yeah, this is a great neighborhood!

    "Dude, I thought I was sarcastic," muttered Ray,

    You're bad at it, I'm sorry to say.

    eyeing the stone demons apprehensively.

    Those demons stole his lunch money.

    With a deafening shriek, the gargoyle lunged for the caravanners. Sam leaped out of the way, and tried to cut it, but his blade seemed to bounce off the stone monster.

    Creston shook his head. "You have to get a gargoyle on the ground before you kill it, Sam."

    THEN YOU TAKE IT FROM BEHIND AND WHAM!

    "How do we do that!" asked Garrett, stabbing furiously at the second gargoyle, who was send fire blasts at him.

    OH NO FLYING ENEMIES WHATEVER SHALL WE DO!?

    "Like this," responded Creston, simply. He charge up some magical energy, and then released it. The gargoyle hit the gravity spell just cast, and fell straight to the ground, pinned there.


    Nieta, Star, and Ray rushed forward and finished the demon off.

    Ray took its wallet. Star took its eye. Nieta took its virginit-
    ...
    This is a strange question, but bear with me. If a person has sex with a dead animal, is it bestiality or necrophilia?


    Moving on...


    Lianora did the same with the second gargoyle. As it fell, however, it almost crushed Nieta.

    Almost. Curses!

    "Whoa, watch it!" shouted the Lilty, as they killed the second gargoyle.

    "Alright," said Sam. "Mog, drop and guard the chalice right here. Put it down."

    Oh, leaving Mog to defend the chalice? Isn't it your job to protect him, Sam?

    Mog did as he was told. Sam looked at the others. "Alright then. Everyone run to a room. Me and Creston are the only ones going into the same room, so if you see someone else going in a room, go to a different one, alright?" Everyone nodded.

    DERP

    "Okay then. GO!" shouted Sam. Everyone ran off in a different direction. Sam and Creston ran to the room directly in front of them.

    Everyone else then somehow ended up going through that same door.

    Garrett ran to the room directly to the right, while Mika and Star dashed for the room directly to the left.

    Dumb Star, dumb Mika.

    Nieta ran to the door in the upper right of the courtyard, while Lianora scurried to the door at the upper left.

    She tripped. It was hilariously hilarious.

    Ray, meanwhile, hurtled toward the door closest to the entrance on the right.

    After everyone's symbols had unlocked the doors, each caravanner charged into a room.

    And fell into a bottomless pit. YAY!

    Nieta looked around the room she had entered. It seemed to be a small sitting room. A large fireplace was burning, but she ignored it. She was focused on the Tonberry Chef in the corner.

    SLACKER. KILL HIM. KILL HIM WITH SOFT OBJECTS, LOVE, AND KINDNESS! KILL HIM NOW!

    "Stupid Jack," he moaned pitifully. "Always making us work so hard…jerk."

    He doesn't leave enough time in my life for furry p-

    Nieta snuck up behind him, ready to take him out, but bumped into a table.

    Nieta is not solid snake.

    The lizard-like creature turned around.

    An exclamation point appeared above its head.

    "Intruder!" he gasped, before he started to move toward her slowly.

    It took him three hours to reach her.

    He attempted to stab her with his knife,

    Kinky.

    but she was too quick for him.

    Real kinky.

    She knocked him back with her spear. As he prepared for another attack, she stabbed him.

    Kinky Dominatrix.

    The poor creature fell directly into the fireplace. A wimpy cry came from the burning ashes.

    "Phew…," said Nieta. "I'm done."

    Obligatory after-battle comment is absolutely necessary.

    She waited for her symbol to appear for the door, and when it did, she ran out and returned to the safety of the chalice.

    00000000000000000000

    Dongle, Bonkers, and Boggle, three Tonberries, were preparing food in the kitchen, muttering how they should get paid more.

    They desperately wanted to buy those Dinkelberry television sets.

    "Cheap, old Gigas," grumbled Dongle. "It's not fair. We should get paid more!"

    Garrett burst into the room, spear in hand.

    Then turned around. This wasn't the bathroom.

    The three chefs turned around.

    "Ugh…," groaned Boggle. "More vermin to deal with."

    Good word for Garrett

    He waddled forward, knife raised, while his comrades prepared to cast slow spells on Garrett. Garrett leaped away from the magic rings, ran up to Boggle and stabbed the chef furiously. The chef clutched his stomach and fell over, groaning.

    OMG YOU HAX YOU CHEAT IMMA REPORT YOU

    The two remaining Tonberries looked at each other. "RUN!" yelped Dongle.

    "But what about Jack?" asked Bonkers.

    "Who cares? He doesn't pay us enough anyway!" The two lizard creatures scrambled out of a door.

    Time to be underpaid mercenaries in other places! Yay!

    Garrett wanted to chase them, but the door wasn't on his symbol.

    "Crud," he growled. When the door changed back to his symbol, he rushed into the courtyard, only to find that the Tonberries had already fled the manor. He saw Nieta, enjoying some gourd potatoes.

    The fat bi-

    "Did you see those two Tonberries?" demanded Garrett, after he ran up to her.

    Too busy eating. I'm not sharing.

    "What Tonberries?" asked Nieta.

    Fruit? Ew. Need moar sugar and fat.

    "Crap…," said Garrett, stomping his foot. "Cowards must've left this giant house."

    "Oh well," said Nieta. "Less chefs to deal with."

    00000000000000000000000000

    Creston and Sam were busy, with Sam battling a Couerl and Creston battling with a Tonberry Chef respectively.

    They were fighting dirty.

    "You'll never get out alive!" threatened the chef. "Jack Moschet will roast you in the oven and eat you for dinner!"

    He can't cook. That's hardly a threat.

    "We can try," retorted Creston coldly. He swiftly bonked the chef with his hammer, before lighting him on fire.

    So, Creston. Like overkill much?

    The Tonberry wailed loudly. "But it seems that YOU'RE the one not getting out alive."

    Creston's one liners have never been the greatest material.

    Sam, meanwhile, was keeping the Couerl at bay. It hissed at him, lunging at him with his claws. Sam got bad scratch on his arm. "OW!"

    It did 43110 damage. Damn critical hits.

    Creston whirled around. "Sam, are you okay- GAH!" Two gargoyle statues had come to life, and one had clawed Creston with a talon.

    Then Creston turned around and kicked it in the face with a hammer.

    Sam was then hit by a blizzard spell, courtesy of the Couerl.

    It delivered its spell in one second. FedEx and UPS gave up.

    "Stupid cat…," muttered the Clavat, rubbing his arm. As the Couerl lunged again, Sam swung his sword, slicing the cat's body in two.

    OVERPOWERED Very Happy

    But Sam had no time to celebrate the victory. As the second gargoyle lunged for him, he slashed it with his sword. Although it hadn't defeated the creature, it had definitely unbalanced it. The gargoyle flew straight into the wall and crumpled to the floor. Sam ran over and defeated it while it was disoriented.

    By ‘defeated it', he means hugged and befriended. THEN ROASTED ALIVE.

    Creston, meanwhile, had cast gravity on his gargoyle and then whacked it to death with his hammer.

    His hammer was made of plastic. It took a while.

    "Okay…we're done," said Creston, sounding tired. He stretched his back. "Let's get back to the chalice."

    In one room, a Tonberry was sulking, while a hyper little gremlin was hopping around.

    RED ONI BLUE ONI

    Ray was hiding under a table, unseen by either of the enemies.

    Ray hid under a table in a box. Cautious, Ray is.

    He aimed his racket, and fired.

    Ray's racket is a gun. Methinks that is cheating.

    A shot flew towards the chef, nailing him right in the foot.

    HIT ITS WEAK POINT FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE

    The poor creature fell over, clutching his foot. Ray went over and pummeled him severely with his paddle.

    Ray is a Dominatrix turned male.
    That's right, I'm too lazy to look up the word.


    The gremlin in the corner turned to face him. It growled but did not attack.

    It was charging its laser.

    Ray pointed his racket at the thing. "You're next."

    But the gremlin growled louder, glaring at him.

    "Huh? Don't you seem familiar?" asked Ray, questioningly.

    NO DON'T ASK HIM A QUESTION

    Suddenly, it all clicked.

    DERPA DURPA DUR

    Ray, meanwhile, was dealing with another Gremlin that appeared to help its friend. It swung his whip at him, and he caught it in his hand.

    Ray growled. "That's it! I'm done with this thing."

    Lol this a flashback?

    He held the creature over his head and started to swing it around by the whip. The creature was swung around faster and faster until Ray let go. It soared through the sky and soon became a little speck in the distant clouds.

    000000000000000000END FLASHBACK0000000000000

    Oh it is?

    "No way," said Ray. "You survived?"

    Durp.

    The gremlin nodded, pointing to its injured whip on its head.

    It then flicked him off and signaled the Kids Next Door to kick Ray's ass. It was amazing, I must say.

    Ray had a grim smile. "Well then, shall we settle this, then?"

    IN A BURING CAGE MONEY LADDER GRUDGE MATCH

    The Gremlin leaped forward with a shriek, swinging his whip. Ray was caught off guard and knocked backwards.

    OMG NO FAIR HE DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE BELL

    The Selkie whacked the gremlin and knocked him into a wall, but the creature was stunned for only a moment.

    LIKE A BOSS

    He lunged at Ray, leaping on top of him.

    Kinky.

    The two foes rolled around the room, and over the symbol that opened the door.

    ITS A SYMBOL NOT A SWITCH OMG

    As the Selkie symbol was pressed the door opened, and the two enemies rolled out into the courtyard.

    "What the…," said Creston. "Ray? What're you doing?"

    "This…gremlin…as a grudge," growled Ray.

    I WILL STAKE MY HONOR ON DEFEATING THIS WRETCHED FOE!

    Finally he got a hold on the creature. He knocked it out with his racket. The gremlin went limp. Then he did what he did before: twirled it by its whip, and threw it into the sky.

    "Let's hope you're dead this time," he mumbled under his breath.

    We'll that definitely got of Gremmy before.

    "Ray…what the heck was goin' on?" asked Garrett

    "That gremlin was from Mushroom Forest," explained Ray, walking into the chalice's barrier. "Y'know that one I launched into the sky. Well, that was him, apparently."

    Derp

    "And he came back for vengeance?" asked Creston. "Wow. Big grudge."

    "So who are we waiting on?" asked Ray.

    "Star, Mika, and Lia," said Sam, scratching his back.

    "Well, they better hurry…"

    00000000000000000000000000

    Mika leaned on her staff. "You were supposed to go to a different room," she said, raising an eyebrow at Star.

    YOUSOSTUPID

    The Selkie was leaning on her staff, which was on top of a dead chef's body. Star looked at her guiltily.

    Star had stabbed her! OMG DRAMA

    "I know, but Sam miscounted," said Star.

    lolsamcantcount

    "I was stuck without a room so I followed you to one."

    I'm SO GUILTY FOR A MISTAKE I SHOULDN'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR

    "Well, it doesn't matter now," said Mika with a sigh. "Even if we were stuck in the same room, the chef's dead, I stole some silverware, and we can get out of this place."

    Stealing is good, children!

    "Alright," said Star. "Let's get back to Sam and the others."

    "Or in your case, Sam," said Mika, smirking. Star looked back at her.

    OMG ROMANCE HINT HINT.

    "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the kind Clavat.

    "Listen Star, it's no secret to everyone except Mr. Leader that you like Sam," said Mika.

    He's that stupid. And we're all hypocrites, by the way.

    Star blushed slightly. "A little bit more than friends, right? Well, here's a tip: the guy likes you back, so take it easy and give it a little time, alright?"

    "B-but…wait…how do you know?" asked Star, flustered. Mika rolled her eyes.

    DERP

    "Well, it's completely obvious to everyone who isn't in love," explained Mika, shrugging. "And it's extremely easy to set up couples so long as you're not in the couple. So basically, it's not that I have experience, but it's more of a…well…gift."

    Mika is Hitch.

    "If it's a gift, why haven't you hooked up with Ray?" asked Star, with a very un-Clavat-like smirk.

    STAR IS KINKY

    "Because I'm not interested in Ray," retorted Mika. "Come on, let's go."

    We're in a poisonous atmosphere. REMEMBER?

    As the two made their way back to the chalice ring, Ray walked over to Mika.

    "Hey, beautiful, did it go okay?" he asked, winking. Mika rolled her eyes AGAIN.

    She and Mad Eye Moody should get together. That way Mika could roll one eye at any time!

    "Yeah it went fine," she said, giving him a smirk. But Star could see a faint blush.

    AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    "Not interested?" muttered Star. "Yeah, right."

    DREP

    "So, now we're waitin' on Lia," said Garrett. "Hope she hurries up."

    0000000000000000000000000

    As the final Tonberry chef died, Lianora sighed with relief. Two dead chefs laid on the floor.

    Lia: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR-
    -glare-


    "So, I'm in the library," pondered Lia. "Might as well look around."

    Why the hell are these chefs not in the kitchen?

    As she read the some of the books, she was astonished that a monster would have such a large library. But she came across a few interesting books. After she had finished reading, the Yuke was confused.

    ...she's in a poisonous atmosphere, reading, and fine.
    LeVar Burton: THAT'S THE POWER OF READING, KIDS!


    "So…after a meteor hit our world…miasma began to come forth…bringing monsters…?" stated Lia uneasily. "What could it mean?"

    DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY

    Suddenly, she felt her head hurt. Realizing that she was still out of the crystal's barrier, she rushed out of the room to join the other seven caravanners.

    It took her that long.

    "Well…now what?" asked Nieta.

    "We wait," said Creston, moving towards the entrance of the building. "We'll wait right here so we'll be safe before that monster comes out of his room."

    And so they did.

    THEY WAITED WITH A BURNING PASSION. IT WAS MANLY.

    Ugh…the longest chapter yet. It was DEFINITELY not supposed to be this long. Oh well.

    Took me a week of null productivity to MST it.

    Favorite parts: The letters in the beginning, Jack Moschet's rampage, the Tonberries, Ray's gremlin pal, and Mika's love advice to Star.

    LOVE ADVICE WHERE I NEED IT.

    I personally enjoyed this chapter. I good blend of foreshadowing (it's hard to spot in some places), action (DIE TONBERRY DIE!), and romantic fluff.

    DIE MOTHERF-

    Jack Moschet? My image of him is a cranky, cantankerous jerk who lounges around his home like a lazy ass.

    lolcatankerous

    Maggie? An uptight, demanding housewife. As for the Tonberries, I see them as really miserable individuals working for ol' Jack.

    LIKE YOUR MOM OHHHHHHH

    Three characters in this chapter shall return. Dongle and Bonkers shall return later, and Ray's gremlin isn't exactly done yet. MUAHAHAHA!

    Romance is coming!

    ...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Eventually!

    Oh, phew.

    But if you all hate waiting, then here is a spoiler: Sam and Star officially get together at the end of the third year (after Daemon's Court, if you want to be specific). But for now, enjoy the fluff!

    Well, you know what chapter I officially star wanting to stop this MST for my sanity.

    I originally wanted to include the boss fight in this chapter, but the chapter became too long for its own good…

    Thank you.

    Next Chapter: Jack Moschet can't take it anymore. Going out into his courtyard to contact his cooks, he finds out that they've all been murdered. The Tipa caravan is found, and Jack attacks them in a furious rage, avenging the loss of his cooks and his dinner. The Tipa caravan now has to deal with an angry Gigas Lord! But what will happen when his wife enters the fray?

    Where's my Hell's Kitchen parody?
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:02 am


    22. Winner or Dinner?

    Spoiler:
    Oh boy!

    Oh god.

    Is it time for another chapter for this god-long story?

    Say no, Say no, no, please.

    The answer is yes.

    ...

    Be happy.

    YOU SON OF A

    So basically, Jack Moschet. Big hairy monster man. Fights the Tipa caravan. Woo.

    SO EXCITING

    The guy relies on his wife to help him. WIMP! *cough* Sorry. But seriously, the guy's an easy boss. I mean, sure, he can heal himself with his wife on the field, but I've killed him without killing Maggie TWICE. So, sorry Jack, you're mediocre at best.

    Like an American!

    Harder than the Goblin King though!

    The author would know.

    Goblin King: HEY!

    GK:...HEY!...uh...I'd uh...like to...disagree.

    But honestly, bosses like the Iron Giant and the Dragon Zombie…well…they just rule.

    Rule as in suck more than a posse of tools.

    Dragon Zombie and Iron Giant: We rule.

    The Iron Giant and the Dragon Zombie are Tools.
    Dragon Zombie and Iron Giant: We're tools.


    So…uh…not much going on here. But I'm looking for constructive criticism/ ideas. SO! I'd be very happy for some! Very Happy

    Scrap the story and write that damn Hell's Kitchen parody.

    Enough rambling.

    No such thing.

    I should get this started, right?

    If you must.

    "How long have we been waiting?" moaned Garrett, bored out of his mind.

    2 seconds. Garrett is ADD.

    "Does it look like I have a clock?" retorted Nieta.

    From ‘noble lady’ to typical caravan diva. The reverse of most fantasy novels.

    "I don't know, LADY Nieta," hissed Garrett.

    Garrett taught her proper diva retorts.

    "I'm not looking at you, am I? Don't flatter yourself."

    Garrett: Cause like this stuff right here like only takes the finest of ladies, kosher?

    "Guys, come on, don't start fighting," said Star, sighing. "We're all a bit impatient, but it won't do you any good, seeing that we still have to fight that giant Gigas."

    "And his wife," pointed out Creston.

    The wife is an afterthought. LOLSEXISMLOL

    "Well, I'm officially bored," said Ray.

    Same here, Ray.

    He gave Mika an apathetic glance. "Want to do something entertaining?"

    Let's get kinky?

    Mika stuck out her tongue. "Maybe, but I think I can do better than you."

    She thinks? lul

    Lia regarded Ray with disdain. "Do you honestly care about anything, or did you just join this caravan to try and get into Mika's pants?"

    [s]That's why Que joined the caravan[/s]
    Do tell us, Ray.


    Ray flinched as though Lia had struck him.Did she honestly think he would stoop that low?

    Trust me, they think much worse of you. If anything, that's a complement.

    That retort had stung more than when Mika kicked him in the crotch. But he wouldn't let his pain show.

    So why did he flinch?

    "I don't know Lia, why don't you just go to bed so you can hold Creston's arm all night long?" he said, glaring.

    like.CRUELEST. SLAM. EVAR.

    "Everyone, calm down," said Sam.

    And drink your cups of stfu while they're warm.

    "We're all just tense and impatient to get back home. But honestly, WHEN is that monster going to come out?"

    The ‘leader' just got impatient? Well, crap, shit just got real.

    Suddenly, they heard a sound. It sounded sort of like a gong.

    "It must be like a dinner gong," commented Creston.

    Like, Creston, you're like, totally right, I bet. You're so legit.

    "Perhaps that will hasten the beast's arrival."

    Perhaps that's his nap gong.

    And so they waited.

    SO EPIC

    Jack didn't keep them waiting long.

    He came so fast they had no idea what happened.
    OMGIAMSOFUNNYYOUSEEWHATIDIDTHARLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL


    The Gigas Lord burst through the center door, roaring loudly.

    Rabba Rabba Rabba

    "DAMNIT! HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN!" he roared. "Where are those blasted Tonberries?"

    5 seconds. Probably in the kitchen.

    Jack then proceeded to punch every door in the manor open, searching for his missing cooks.

    He was allergic to door handles.

    "Where the heck are they!" he growled. Then as he turned around, he saw an interesting sight.

    IT WAS SO PURTY

    Three ghostly Tonberries were standing in the middle of the courtyard.

    Quick, call the ghostbusters!

    "What? Are those the Tonberry ghosts?" asked Creston to himself.

    Sam: You're probably just hallucinating again.

    The overgrown Gigas gave the ghosts a curious, but angry look.

    He must be hallucinating. Damn, this miasma made him trippy.

    "Are you dead? Damnit, no wonder it's been taking so long.

    Now get back in the kitchen and get to work.

    Where's the scum that killed you."

    Gigas lord is too boss for question marks.

    "Oh crap…," said Mika, swearing.

    That's hardly swearing.

    "They're gonna give us away."

    "Tattletales," grumbled Ray.

    DERP

    The Tonberries nodded their heads to the caravanners. Jack Moschet turned to face them.

    "What the…you little…YOU KILLED MY COOKS!" snarled the great monster.

    It took him an hour to realize this.

    "I'm going to have to go hungry!

    God forbid I learn to cook! I'd rather starve than nourish myself!

    You little, dirty rats! Invading my home, ruining my evening. You're going to pay for this."

    An aura glowed around him for a minute, before he let out a deafening roar.

    RABBA RABBA RABBA

    The battle had begun.

    Jack ran toward the caravanners, and vice versa.

    Ray, of course, ran away and cried in a corner.

    As Jack swung a mean right hook, half of the caravanners were knocked back. Garrett, who had managed to avoid the blow, stabbed Jack in the arm.

    Jack howled and let out a loud cry. "MAGGIE! HELP ME OUT HERE!"

    Shit just got real?

    A door opened, and from it, Jack Moschet's giant lamia wife emerged.

    He was phat, they agreed.

    "Hmmph…you oaf," said the snake-woman. "Unable to deal with such pests. Why did I even marry you…?"

    "How about you get your snake butt over here and be useful?" growled Jack.

    "Ah, old love," muttered Creston, rolling his eyes behind his mask.

    Lia and I do it every night.

    Maggie aimed a slow spell at them all. Then the snake-woman began to charge up a powerful stop spell.

    Star cried out. "Ray, stop her!"

    But the Selkie didn't move.

    Ray: Dur, she purty

    "Creston! Garrett! Someone!" yelled Nieta. All the girls were busy being pummeled by Jack Moschet.

    Jack likes pummeling girls.

    "Get the lamia!"

    "Uh…we can't," said Sam awkwardly.

    Sam: She too purty

    "WHY CAN'T YOU!" yelled Mika.

    Ray: Aren't you listening? She too purty.

    Ray sighed. "Dude…we can't hit a girl."

    ...

    An awkward silence followed. Even the Gigas Lord and the Lamia Queen seemed dumbfounded.

    DERPA DUR

    "Are…you…kidding me!" yelled Mika. "You won't attack her because of a stupid thing like that?"

    Mika, you suck at MSTing.

    "It isn't stupid…," mumbled Garrett, shuffling his feet. "It's just…y'know…a guy rule."

    I slam girls with my fists all the time. They love it.

    Lia sighed. "I think we can put aside these "guy rules" at the moment."

    No, chick! The bro code is a way of life!

    "Jack! Get them!" shrieked Maggie.

    But the giant king was feeling awkward too.

    The giant is a king now?

    "But…I can't hit a girl either," he pointed out, shrugging.

    Wuss.

    "ARE YOU SERIOUS!" yelled Maggie. "It doesn't apply for monsters."

    "Oh…," said Jack. "In that case…"

    Why can't the caravaners be as smart as her.

    He hit Lianora with a vicious punch, sending her flying into a pillar. Meanwhile, Maggie swiped her fans at the boys, all of which made no moves to defend themselves.

    They didn't need to - she missed every time.

    "Okay, seriously," groaned Nieta. "Let's just switch places with them."

    DERP

    As the Gigas Lord leaped into the air and landed on the ground, causing the ground to rumble, the female caravanners ran towards the males, and pushed them towards Jack.

    "You deal with him," growled Mika. "We'll take this one out."

    "Heh…fools," said Jack Moschet. Suddenly, a pink aura glowed around him.

    Manly.

    Suddenly, all the bruises and marks \ on Jack vanished.

    Jack was a fan of Anime.

    "What…he healed himself!" exclaimed Creston. Jack laughed unpleasantly.

    WOAH

    "So long as Maggie is around, I'm invincible. I can use her magical aura to heal myself, meaning no matter what you do, you can't beat me!" explained the monster wickedly.

    ...facepalm

    "Crap," said Mika, cursing under her breath. "We'll just have to take out Maggie first."

    Jack: WHAT!? HOW DID YOU KNOW OUR SECRET-

    She ran forward, leaping at the lamia with her paddle,

    Mika, in the courtyard, with a spanking fetish.

    but Maggie blocked the blow with her arm, and pushed Mika away. At the same time, Maggie shrieked as a thunder spell struck her down. Lianora had appeared behind her and was charging a second spell.

    Lia fought off the urge to strut about in lederhosen. The urge came on whenever someone was thunderstruck.

    Maggie slithered away and sent an enormous slow spell at Lia. Both Lia and Star, who was nearby, were hit, and they became very slow.

    DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURPAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR

    Nieta charged at Maggie in a fury, spear pointed at the woman. Meanwhile, Jack had just taken a deep breath, and then a large amount of icy fog drifted over the caravanners. Sam was frozen, but Ray quickly cast a clear spell and freed his friend.

    "Ice…," muttered Creston.

    WHAT!? WHERE!?

    "So he'll be weak to fire."

    Video game logic!?

    Without a second thought, Creston shot a Fira blast at the Gigas. But to the Yuke's astonishment, the blow hardly seemed to damage the monster.

    Jack knew that Creston would think that Jack would think that Jack would think that Jack would think that Jack would think that-

    Wait a second...


    Jack Moschet threw his head back and boomed with laughter. "I've been living in this warm mansion so long that the heat doesn't bother me anymore."

    That's so damn funny.

    ((Author's Note: This is true. In the game, even though he breathes ice and the Gigas are ice enemies, Amidatty the Yuke tells you that the Gigas Lord resists fire, but is weak to ice after living in his cozy, warm manor.))



    Meanwhile, Maggie was having trouble. She had wondered why Jack hadn't helped her. Then she realized that the female caravanners weren't just fighting her. They had separated her from her husband. They were at complete opposite ends of the manor! Meanwhile, the men had Jack distracted so he wouldn't notice her.

    LOLSEGREGATION

    After hastily casting a stop spell on Star, Maggie tried to move closer to Jack, but found Lianora in her way.

    Cockblocked?

    As Maggie drew her feathered arm back to strike her, she felt a sharp pain in her back. Nieta had stabbed the lamia in the back. Maggie was about to retaliate, when she felt a large thump on her head. Dazed and confused, Maggie drifted off into a corner.

    Mika was nowhere to be found.

    "Jack!" she called weakly. The Gigas Lord finally heard his wife, and looked over, surprise etched on his gruesome face.

    The male caravanners politely waited for him.

    "Maggie!" he yelled.

    Jack: Where'd the other caravanners go? Damn, those bitches were ugly-

    "Jack…I…I can't take it anymore," moaned Maggie, before falling over, shaking her head in pain.

    Every story needs at least one “classy" lady fainting.

    "MAGGIE!" roared Jack Moschet, enraged. He glared at all the caravanners. "You dirty scoundrels…what did she ever do to you? What did any of us do to you? Did we really deserve this!"

    Just stfu and kill they ass.

    "We need myrrh for our village," explained Sam, trying to ignore the guilt he was feeling. "Would you let us take it if we asked you?"

    Guilt? WTF is this?

    "Of course not!" answered the creature, with an obnoxious snort. "Are you kidding? I mean, it's not like I couldn't get new chefs or anything. I mean, seriously? I just hate you all and your stupid villages. Clinging to life and crystals like barnacles, it's pathetic!"

    I mean like, I'm no hypocrite, but hell, just let me live, damn it?

    "So you admit it," Ray shot back. "So what other action could we take big guy?"

    Jack: I don't know, small fry.
    OMG JACK IS SO AWESOME HE CAN RYHME ON A DIME.


    "Well, you could've stolen it," said Jack Moschet, shrugging. "I mean, I'd be pissed, but it's not like I'd go to your village and destroy it. I'm reasonable."

    lul

    Everyone glared at Mika.

    She and I have been sneaking away together recently. Maybe they're onto us?

    "But, that's not the point," said Jack. "I mean…if I caught you stealing it…I'd just kill you for fun…maybe hang you on the wall as trophies."

    Jack is necrophilliac?

    Star almost gagged at the thought of being displayed dead on the wall. "Are you serious?" she asked. "That's sick! How twisted can you possibly be?"

    Well, I'm sane compared to Larry. Really, that guy impales his own minions for the lulz.

    "Very," responded the Gigas with a sickening, awful smile. "Or maybe I'll send your bodies back to the village of Tipa, crushing their dreams."

    Well, he's damned. One of the character is bound to go on a rant about their dreams now-

    "That's it!" shouted Garrett.

    Oh, hi.

    Running forward, he leaped in the air towards Jack, but Jack knocked him back with a powerful punch.

    "It's the end for you," said Jack, with a taunting leer. "Why not just give up?"

    But during this entire conversation, Lianora wasn't listening.

    Distracted by a butterfly, classic Lia.

    She was remembering what Creston had done before. The monster hadn't been affected by a fire spell due to getting used to the heat. So maybe…

    She ought to kill it with fire and aids!

    "So…let's start with you, warrior boy," growled Jack, stepping towards Garrett threateningly. "You might be hard to digest-"

    Your leather bondage armor will take two weeks to get through my system.
    Hey Maggie, let’s take a vacation in two weeks.


    "BLIZZAGA!" yelled Lianora, a brilliant blue flash materializing after her words.

    It was damned purty

    An ice blast exploded in front of Jack Moschet's face.A harsh, piercing scream came from behind the icy explosion.

    Cool Story, Bro.

    Jack ran out of the ice, clutching his face. He glared at Lianora with his red eyes, glowing with fury.

    He's ready to go super saiyan

    "YOU DIRTY LITTLE BITCH!" he roared.

    Nieta: Yeah?

    "How did you know! How did you know that cold was my weakness!"

    Strategy guide. Dur.

    "I figured it out," said Lia coolly. "You were resistant to heat, so I thought you'd be weak to the cold. And it turns out I was right."

    Lianora knows her pokemon.

    "Way to go Lia!" shouted Star.

    "Wretched pests," growled the beast. "You forget I can heal myself." But as he attempted to do so, he realized that he couldn't. Jack looked around wildly.

    "What's going on? Why can't I recover?" he demanded.

    "Your wife isn't in the battle anymore," said Star with a defiant glare. "You said you used her aura of magic to heal yourself. Well, now what?"

    Star: NOW WHAT!? HUH!? WHAT!? HUH!? WHAT!?
    Jack: Well, I got this giant spear up my ass. Sadly, that belongs to Maggie. I don't think she'll want me to use it though.


    Jack Moschet looked around wildly, his red eyes shining with confusion…and fear. He needed to find a way out of this. Now.

    There's always the stairway to heaven.

    Sam rushed forward, but Jack leaped into the air.

    Well, damn, Jack is resourceful.

    As he landed on the ground, however, Star, Garrett, and Mika all took the opportunity to attack him before he could stand up again. Jack went into a frenzy. He began to swing wild punches everywhere, determined to knock all of the caravanners over.

    But not kill them. That would be uncivilized. Plus, like hell he'd clean up the mess.

    Creston stared at him. "He's lost it. We've pretty much won."

    He just stood there watching. Supervising, he was good at it.

    "Yeah but we're done yet," argued Sam, as he avoided a flying Nieta, who was unlucky to be hit by one of the many punches. Ray, meanwhile, shot a projectile at Jack's head. It met its target, disorienting the monster.

    Jack moved in a daze, stilling swinging his fists, but now his hooks were slower and more tiring. Finally, Lianora, who had charged up another Blizzaga spell, launched her magical attack. Jack was knocked backwards off his feet.

    They'd never take advantage of a person on his back!

    Jack shook himself, and rubbed his head. He looked around. He knew he had lost, but he wasn't about to let himself be killed. He roared and slammed his fists on the ground.

    He'd been playing minecraft too much.

    "I lost!" he exclaimed, angry and frightened. "Impossible! No way!"

    He looked at the faces of the caravanners who had bested him. His eyes narrowed.

    "There'll be a reckoning for this," he threatened, blood trickling out of his mouth. Spit flew out of his mouth as he spoke. "But right now, I've gotta get out of here. You won't kill me! NEVER!"

    Unless you find the seven gems of kickass and hit my weak point for massive damage!

    And with that, the Gigas Lord charged towards the entrance of the manor. Sam, Ray, and Star hastily moved out of his way.

    Damn it, why the hell are you letting free EXP get away?

    As he left the building, Maggie had recovered from her injuries somewhat. She watched him leave, dumbfounded.

    "YOU COWARD!" she suddenly shrieked. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU RAN AWAY! UGH…MEN!"

    Why can't they be more broody and sparkly and broody?

    But she too knew the battle was over, and with one last look at the caravanners, she left Moschet Manor as well.

    000000000000000000000000

    "WE'RE DONE WITH OUR SECOND YEAR!" shouted Garrett as the myrrh dropped into the chalice. Excitement and joy broke out among the caravanners. Nieta cheered loudly and hopped up and down, while Mika let out a loud "WOO HOO"! Lianora and Creston exchanged high fives with Mog flying around their heads, while Ray kicked open what LOOKED like spring water (though it smelled strongly of alcohol),

    OMG UNDERAGE DRINKING IS SERIOUS ISSUE

    and finally, Sam and Star exchanged a hug, only to draw back quickly, embarrassed.

    ...
    ...
    ...
    That's just sad to read.


    The mailmoogle came running up, and noticed the partying caravanners.

    He hoped these people weren't pricks, like the last group of caravanners who told him how to do his job were.

    "I'm…just gonna pretend I didn't see this…kupo," said the mailmoogle, backing away slowly.

    ...

    And he left the caravan to party.

    Done with year two! WOO!

    Yay. Where's that damn alcohol you promised me?

    Favorite Parts: Everyone being pissed at each other in the beginning, and when the boys refused to hit Maggie (I couldn't resist not putting that in).

    All in all, I don't really think I did well on this chapter, but it was hard to write because the battle in Moschet Manor isn't really that exciting.

    Silly Jack. Chased out of the house by your own wife.

    And team prick.

    So…yeah…I REALLY need some ideas down. I mean, I'm probably good for a little while, but I'm gonna need ideas for Star and Mika's character chapters. I'm not so much worried about Mika's as I am about Star's (Mika's won't be until the fifth year, while Star's is in the third year). So yeah, ideas/reviews/suggestions/criticisms are wanted/helpful. Thanks!

    Next Chapter: A second festival is head for our heroes returning to home. But for one caravanner, tragedy strikes.

    Yay

    But just what happened to this member of the Tipa caravan?

    Character development!? OMG NO

    Star: My turn to ask for a review! Yay! So, please, wonderful readers, pleas review!

    PLEAS PLEAS PLEAS DON'T NOTICE MY NOT SO OBVIOUS SPELLING ERROR

    Garrett: Suck up.

    Well, Garrett, you're a suck-down, you've no right to talk.
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:03 am


    23. Pain

    Spoiler:
    Oh goody! Another chapter! Hurrah!

    *Insert Predictable Retort Here*

    So in this chapter, it basically has our lovely heroes returning home for a party.

    Lovely. HA

    Again.

    Tipa is tired of team prick.

    There shall be dancing, drinking, and fire. Again.

    This Author is so damn excited!

    And moogles. Again.

    Moogles, as in super ninja pirate space wolves. They visit often, they're pretty cool.

    BUT! TRAGEDY STRIKES! DUN DUN DUN!

    The wolves got lost.

    So…that's basically it...

    The party sucked, in other words.

    Let's get this show on the road!

    We are, good author. We're in a damn traffic jam if you haven’t noticed.

    As the Tipa caravan pulled into their village in the evening, they were met by loud cheers.

    These people were great at faking it. Who would be happy to see team Prick? Its a sure sign of a [s]good time[/s] horrible fanfiction.

    The crystal had absorbed the myrrh and everything was going well. And so, the people danced merrily around the glowing crystal in delight.

    Ray and Garrett were having a chug-off, with Ray in the league.

    Ray was in the league of extraordinary gentlemen.
    Its a stretch, I know.


    "Ten gil on Garrett," said Mika, to Nieta.

    Ten gil says Ray is retarded.

    "You're on!" challenged Nieta. Surprisingly, Garrett won with an upset.

    Shows how much faith Mika has in Ray-
    OR~~~


    Nieta handed Mika her gil. Ray, meanwhile, congratulated his friend by pouring water on him.

    "Nice doin' business with ya, Nieta," said Mika, grinning. Nieta rolled her eyes.

    Ten gil says Nieta can't see that Mika and Ray are in cahoots.

    "Whatever."

    Pay up.

    Creston sat near the fire, watching his fellow villagers dance around the crystal. He occasionally lifted his visor to chew on the star carrot in his hand.

    In his hand? Damn, Creston is lame. I hold carrots with my feet when I eat them.

    But despite the cheerful occasion, Creston's thoughts were dark and anticipating. He couldn't get his mind off of that letter that had been sent by his father. It was very foreboding.

    Tea time with his father. The two of them would inevitably argue about which is cooler: Super ninja pirate space wolves or super pirate ninja space wolves.

    Maybe the caravan wouldn't go to Shella. Maybe Creston could trick them into leaving Veo Lu without having to go to the Yukeish village. Creston thought this over.

    Highly unlikely. But before he could think any more, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped.

    He jumped thirty feet into the air and broke the sound barrier with a kick. Pretty low-strung if you ask me.

    "Sorry," said Lianora, backing away. "I didn't mean to startle you."

    Creston: Oh, don't worry, I do that whenever someone touches my shoulder.

    Creston yawned. "It's fine. Don't worry about it," he assured her. He sat back down and she took a seat next to him.

    "Are you alright?" Lia asked, concerned. "You've been…tense ever since you came back from Tida."

    You're cheating on me in our non-existant relationship.

    "Well, Tida is rather…grim," said Creston. "I'm just thinking that if we fail, our village could become like Tida."

    LIES
    Romantic cue if there ever way one.


    Lia looked him over again. "But that won't happen," she persisted. "Besides, Nieta and Star have already recovered. Did anything happen while you were there?"

    I ate Star's cooking.

    "No, nothing at all," lied Creston easily, thinking about the letter. "I suppose I should stop worrying so much. It's a very unhealthy habit that I've had ever since I was a kid. Want to go get some food?"

    Let’s! Food makes all your problems go away!

    Lia stared at him. 'There's still something wrong…,' she thought.'But I'll figure it out later.' "Alright."

    Ray sat next to Mika and Garrett, yawning.

    Those two were that boring.

    He was a little tipsy, and Mika was as well.

    lolunderstatement

    Garrett was out cold, sneaking drink after drink away from the table without any adults noticing.

    Garrett often swore he could stop anytime. Often when he was sleepwalking and sleepdrinking.

    He snored loudly on the ground.

    "So after this…," said Ray, grinning at Mika. "What do we do…eh?"

    Canananananananananananananadian, Ray is.

    Mika giggled.

    It sounded like a million babies all crying out at once. Mika and I are through, if you must know.

    "Oh…I dunno..," she responded. "I'm kinda…tired…I'll probably get some rest…how 'bout you."

    "Well…I'll probably drag Garrett to his house…maybe tie him to a tree or something, and then I'll probably catch some Z's as well."

    Garrett'll enjoy that. Bondageman loves his bondage.

    Mika snorted. "He'll kill you if you try anything while he's asleep, y'know that?

    She'd know.

    He's a feisty fella, Garrett. Don't bite off more than ya can chew."

    She'd know that too.

    "Psssssh," said Ray. "I can handle the rock-head. He wouldn't even know that I did it, his spear's got more brains than him."

    Meh. I'm met some pretty dull spears. Including shakespeare. He was pretty damn dense.

    The two burst into laughter.

    They were the queen and king of unfunny. Ray being the queen. So was Mika.

    "I'll be right back, I'm hungry," said Mika, walking away towards the food table.

    She spent more time there than at home.

    Ray watched her go. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He noticed a mailmoogle at his side.

    He pretended not to notice it had twenty dozen beer bottles in tow.

    "Kupo! hic I've got hic a letter!" said the moogle, dropping a letter in front of him. hicRay picked it up. It was strange he was receiving a letter so soon, right after he had got one from his sister.hic

    Without waiting any longer, he opened the letter and began to read it.

    Mika returned with a loaf of bannock and two striped apples in her hand.

    Nice apples, Mika.

    "Ray!" she called. "I'm back!"

    Then she noticed, Ray was gone!

    "What the…where'd he go?" she asked herself. She noticed Garrett still sleeping like a log.

    The log being more attractive. And being less dense.

    She tried to shake him awake, but to no avail. So she tried a different method.

    WHAM!

    "ARGH!" yelled Garrett, gripping his crotch in pain.

    I like this method. I don't think Garrett is awake, do it again, Mika.

    He gave Mika a death glare. "What did ya do that for!"

    He's giving you lip. Again, Mika.

    "Have you seen Ray?" asked Mika loudly, over the noise of the festival.

    Garrett winced. "Not so loud…," he complained. "My head is killing me. I guess I had one drink too many, huh?"

    One million cases too many.

    'One?' thought Mika. 'More like twelve.'

    Mika clearly cannot count.

    "Well have you seen bandanna boy?" asked Mika.

    "I've been asleep, woman!" snarled Garrett. "How could I see anything!"

    Now get back in the kitchen!

    Mika sighed. "Oh boy," she said, preparing for Garrett's incoming rant.

    0000000000000000000000000000

    As another song ended, Sam and Star retreated from the glowing crystal to let the remaining dancers have more room. They walked up to Creston, Lianora, and Nieta, all sitting and eating together.

    None of them mastered the art of eating with their mouth closed.
    Seriously people, that's nasty.


    "Hey," said Star breathlessly. All the dancing had worn her out.

    She was drunker than the day the soldiers come home.

    "Good evening," replied Creston. "Enjoying the party?"

    Meh. Needs moar super ninja pirate space wolves.

    "Yeah," said Sam. "But I'm a bit tired…parties wear me out."

    First time I saw this, I seriously thought it read “wearing panties wear me out"

    That would explain so much, though.


    "Well, you're not as bad as Garrett over there," said Nieta, pointing to the right. Sam looked over to find Garrett snoring loudly. He grumbled his sleep, and it seemed like he was cursing at someone.

    He reached for another case of beer.

    "Angry even when he's asleep," observed Creston, sounding amused. "But this is Garrett we're talking about."

    The case of beer was drained in seconds. Garrett reached for another.

    "Hey, don't pick on him Creston, he's just…well…never mind, you can pick on him," said Nieta after thinking for a moment.

    Anyone can pick on Garrett. Bondage man loves his abuse.

    "Anyone seen Ray or Mika?" asked Star, concerned.

    "I saw Mika arguing with Garrett a while ago," said Nieta. "As for Ray, I haven't seen him since the beginning of the party."

    "That makes worried and relieved," commented Creston thoughtfully.

    Decide, dumbass.

    "How so?" asked Lia.

    "I'm worried that Ray is up to something, but I'm happy I don't have to deal with it," answered Creston. Star was about to tell Creston that he shouldn't be relieved for such a reason, but was interrupted by Sam.

    Sam: DERP

    "Well…," the Clavat mused thoughtfully. "I don't think Ray is going to be causing trouble tonight. Not during the festival anyway. Ray can be well…unreasonable, but he isn't a jerk."

    I mean, he's not the only reason we're called team Prick. Probably.

    "All the same, I wonder where he is…," wondered Lia aloud.

    Ray sat on the cliff at the edge of the town, staring out at the ocean.

    JUMP JUMP JUMP

    The letter he had received was clutched in his hand. His eyes were blank and emotionless.

    Much like his character.

    He sat watching the waves roll in the distance, the moon shining down on the water, making it shine. He let out a sigh.

    His ex-girlfriend was coming to town. He had to jump. He simply had to.

    He heard a noise behind him. He glanced back, to see Mika making her way towards him. She was smiling at him.

    She was getting ready to kick him off the edge. She would aim for his crotch.

    "There you are," she said. "I've been wondering where you are. I got you a striped apple."

    I had twenty apples, but nineteen of them mysteriously disappeared.

    "I'm not hungry," Ray responded. Instantly Mika knew something was wrong, the smile fading from her face.

    RAY REFUSING APPLES!?
    Someone must've multiplied by the complex conjugate, because
    SHIT JUST GOT REAL


    Ray's voice was blank and quiet, not like his usual self.

    He was up to something.

    Even when something bad happened, he usually had a sarcastic and aggravated tone. Mika knew that whatever happened, it was serious.

    "What's wrong?" she asked, sitting beside him. He handed her the letter. She began to read it.

    She pushed him off the cliff for the lulz.

    Dear Ray Zul,

    As you know, your sister, Dah Zul, came with us, the Leuda Caravan, to Conall Curach.

    She wished to explore a little bit, but stayed with us most of the time. However, during one of the many battles, we were separated from each other. Even though we searched, we couldn't find her, and she didn't have a chalice or crystal, meaning there is no way she could've survived.

    It is our deepest regret to inform you that your sister, Dah Zul, is dead.

    We are truly sorry for your loss.

    I actually feel bad for Da Zul. Then again, its probably a good thing she didn't have to endure the hardship of surviving a fan fiction.

    Signed, the Leuda Caravan.

    Mika read the letter once, then twice. She thought at first it was a sick joke.

    She lol'd hard.

    But she knew that even though Selkies were mischievous, no Selkie would ever play a prank as cruel as this.

    Unless he was a Lemming. And old.

    "Oh Ray, I'm so sorry…," gasped Mika, covering her mouth in horror. Ray shrugged.

    His sister died every other day. Her nickname was Kenny.

    "It's alright," said Ray, staring at the ocean. "She was a good sister. I loved her, and I always had her lookin' out for me." He sounded casual, but Mika knew he was hiding his sorrow.

    "She wouldn't want me to be all depressed," continued the male Selkie. "She'd want me to move on and live out my life the way I want it. I know that's what she would want."

    Nah, she's actually right behind you with a noisemaker. She actually wants you to just keep looking forward, nothing else.

    Mika put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's going to be okay," she said gently.

    Then kicked him in the balls, grabbed his wallet and ran

    "I know…," said Ray, heaving a sigh. "It's just…so hard to believe." His voice began to get shaky. "I mean…she was all I had…and…and now she's gone…"

    And then the tears began to fall. Ray put his arm over his face in a desperate attempt to wipe his tears away. He hated crying. But now, the message had sunk in.

    His sister was dead.

    The mail moogle then returned with a letter saying that he left the iron on. It was the worse news he ever read!

    He couldn't take it. He started to sob. "Damnit!" he managed to say. "I should've stopped her! She was the only one I had left…and now she's GONE!"

    Mika pulled him into a warm hug. "It's going to be alright, Ray," she said. "Just let it all out."

    Ray started to calm down a little, but Mika could still hear him sniffling a bit. It was unlike her to be this sensitive, but Ray was one of her closest friends in the caravan, and right now he needed a shoulder to cry on. Mika sighed, and stroked his hair, feeling like she was soothing a child.

    Oh god.

    "It'll be okay, Ray," she said quietly. "You're going to be fine."

    Eventually, after most people went to bed, Mika walked Ray home. He wasn't crying anymore, but he was extremely tired and withdrawn. She slept on the couch downstairs in his house, just in case he needed something.

    All in all, it wasn't one of Mika's better parties, but she had done the right thing, and she that that was what counted.

    She punched that prick in the face. We all love you, Mika.

    Oh boy…we have another chapter done.

    Favorite Parts: Garrett's drunken tantrum and Mika comforting Ray.

    This was a very sad chapter. Why did I make such a painful chapter? It seemed that everything was going well for the caravanners, but this chapter sort of reminds them that good things don't always last. Why did I pick Ray? Ray and Creston are the only caravanners with only one family member left to lose. Seeing that Creston's father plays a big role in the story, I picked Ray. Not that I don't like Ray. He's one of my favorites.

    No really.

    Also, Ray's sister's death plays a role in Ray's character chapter.

    Ya think.

    You can spot some subtle hints at crushes and such (and a more major hint at Mika helping Ray).

    Don't worry though! Ray will not be Mr. Depressed Emo Man. He'll be back to normal after he gets over the shock. So don't freak out. Tipa's resident smart ass is here to stay.

    Damn. I really wanted this to become a wangstfest.

    Next Chapter: The gang decides to head up to Veo Lu, while Ray recovers. On the way, the caravanners meet several different people and have arguments. Will the friendships that were made last?

    Yeah, right. Antagonists always ignore the power of friendship, it must be negligible!
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:04 am

    24. The Road to Recovery

    Speed Limit: 1 meter/hour

    Spoiler:
    Ahoy there! Yar!

    Get back to your rum, Jack Sparrow

    Okay, sorry about the pirate accent.

    You fool, you're supposed to correct me with a “witty" retort about my misnomer-
    Ah whatever, no one likes you anyway, Cap'n Jack Sparrow


    I just thought I kept starting the chapter in the same way. Sort of bugs me…

    You should start each chapter by trying to convince people to delete their system32! Seriously, that joke'll never get old.

    I am so sorry for not updating any sooner. I've been really busy. And this chapter isn't that long. I ASSURE YOU I WILL WORK HARDER!

    Harder.
    Aw
    Yeah


    Anyway, in this chapter, the Tipa caravan leaves the village again and moves up towards Veo Lu, while meeting some interesting people on the way.

    Interesting? I lol’d hard.

    Other than that, not much. So, this is kind of a filler chapter, in a way.

    Well, let the story begin.

    MAKE IT STOP

    The caravan rolled along across the path, grass blowing in the wind. They had just left Tipa an hour ago to set off on their third journey for myrrh.

    Twenty four chapters into this damn story and I still have no idea how to say that.

    Star and Mika were walking next to each other. Star glanced at Mika.

    Damn, she was ugly.

    "How's he doing?" she asked, concerned. Mika looked over at her. She didn't need to ask who "he" was.

    Obviously, she was referring to Quezacotl. He's the talk of the world, you know?

    "Better," said Mika. She glanced over at the caravan as she spoke. "But he's still sad about it. He's not going to get over it for a long time."

    Mika lives under a rock in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. Still, its hard to believe she hasn't head of me.

    Inside the caravan was Ray, eating a striped apple.

    CRACK

    The entire caravan now knew what had happened, and were watching over the Selkie. Although he seemed normal, there was a sad undertone to his voice, and a hollow look in his eyes.

    Sounds like he’s the life of the party.

    "He needs time to heal," came a voice behind them. The girls looked back and saw Creston behind them. "It's not the death of his sister that's troubling him, but the fact that he could've stopped her from going. Give him time. It'll pass."

    When he passes Go, he'll be able to collect $200 as well! Score!

    "You sound as if you know from experience," commented Mika.

    Slam'd?

    "I do," replied Creston simply.

    Creston is used to being abused and insulted. Tons of fangirls are quite disappointed in him.

    Lianora, who was steering the carriage, noticed something ahead.

    "Guys!" she called. "I see something up near River Belle Path!"

    Sam looked over at her. "What does it look like?"

    Lianora sounded perplexed. "I think it's a caravan…but it sounds like there are people shouting nearby…"

    Sam raised an eyebrow. "Let's check it out," he decided.

    0000000000000000000000000

    "So what happened to the package!" asked a female Clavat angrily.

    I already gave it to you, dumbass.

    "You really don't want to know," assured Gurdy nervously.

    "Yes I do! Now tell us!"

    Jedi mind tricks don't work for Gurdy.

    Gurdy mumbled some words.

    Derpityderpityderp!

    "What!"

    "It…rotted," said Gurdy, apologetically.

    And the argument escalated from there.

    Good, cause this was one sad argument.

    00000000000000000000000000000

    As Sam and the others reached the two arguing Clavats, Gurdy noticed them and walked over.

    I'd go the other direction. And I'd be running.

    "Greetings, friends!" he greeted in a friendly tone. "Could you spare a 1000 gil?"

    Sure

    Mika and Creston glanced at each other. Did he expect them to have that kind of money?

    Well, yeah, Garrett did work the corner QUITE often.

    "Uh…we don't have that much," said Star awkwardly. "Sorry."

    We've only 999 gill. Damn shame, huh?

    Gurdy sighed. "Oh well…"

    Yeah, 999 gill can't buy you shit. Jeez, you punks are poor.

    After more arguing, the Fum caravan left.

    They were fuming mad.
    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLYOUSEEWHATIDIDTHAR?


    Gurdy stood on a tree stump.

    Then he fell off an landed in dog shit. Everyone clapped.

    "Well…anyways," he said. "As a celebration for our reuniting, how about another poem?"

    Here, let me just get my 9001GB iPhone with a 9G network and surf the web for a purty sweet poem - ah, here we go!

    He then spoke:

    He was the king of spitting while he talked.

    Of crumbled inn, few reminisce,

    Its faulty beams shall not be missed.

    Team Prick was know smoking wet.

    "Oh the packages smelled awful!" he exclaimed.

    Much like that poem.

    "I threw out so many of them!"

    Cool. Now go throw yourself off a cliff.

    "That was interesting," remarked Creston ten minutes later, after Gurdy had walked off with the caravan from Alfitaria.

    "More like stupid," muttered Garrett.

    More like Garrett.
    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
    Isofunny.


    "I agree, that was a total waste of time," said Mika.

    What I say, in a more verbose way.

    "If I wanted to deal with a bunch of arguments, I'd go back home and live with my family," grumbled Garrett.

    If bondageman wanted more abuse, he'd gladly let his brother-

    "Garrett!" hissed Lia.

    Children are reading this! Be more perverted!

    "What?" asked the male Lilty, perplexed.

    I'm perplexed too. Why does the author need to remind us that Garrett is male?

    Lia jerked her head in the direction of Ray, who was organizing his stuff.

    Garrett thought his hair was purty.

    "Oh…," said Garrett, feeling guilty.

    OMG RAY I'M SO SORRY YOUR SISTER IS DEAD AND SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK AND SHE'S DEAD, BUT NO ONE CARES.

    "Don't mention stuff like that in front of him," said Lia.

    YEAH RAY, WE'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW WE ALL HAVE FAMILY MEMBERS THAT AREN'T TORN TO PIECES OR AT THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE-

    "I can hear you both you know," said Ray from the caravan. Lia and Garrett both winced. "It's fine. I'm alright."

    Me, my striped apples, and crack are having a fine time together in here. Don't worry about me.

    'That's the biggest lie I've heard all day, including that stuff Gurdy was saying about rotting food," thought Creston, but he held his tongue.

    I've got a bigger lie. Que is funny and humble.

    "Miasma stream ahead," said Mika,

    Good eye, Mika. Now go jump off a cliff, you're needed down there.

    interrupting Creston's thoughts.

    THOUGHTS!?
    Oh, author, you so funny.
    Oh Que, you so original and hilarious


    She pointed up the road. The miasma stream was there, looking as ominous as usual.

    Conveniently, it had a convenience store conveniently place just conveniently outside the inconvenient miasma stream.
    If I haven't made my point clear yet, this convenience store is quite conveniently place in a conveniently accessible place. How convenient, eh?


    Creston squinted his eyes behind his helmet. "I can't see any colored smoke," he said. "I can see a lot of sand, though."

    Lianora looked at him. "So I'm guessing it's an earth miasma stream."

    "So next year, it'll be wind," said Star. Creston nodded. He would remember that.

    Next year it would be on fire - got it.

    Garrett rolled his eyes. "Oh joy. We get to stop at Goblin Wall AGAIN! To change our chalice. AGAIN!

    Don't ever emphasize the word AGAIN with all caps, its really annoying to read it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and-

    "Garrett, stop complaining, it might actually make you a more positive person," said Creston.

    Hey, I can't help it if I'm completely made of electrons!

    Garrett snarled a reply that made Star and Lianora gasp, while Mika had a rather astonished grin.

    I herd you liek mudkips?

    Creston growled, and threw a gourd potato at the Lilty. It splattered all over his face.

    Happens to Garrett often.

    Garrett then threatened Creston, while using words not fit for children's ears.

    Oh, so words like fuck and bastard and wanker and-

    Sam coughed awkwardly. "Garrett…don't use such vulgar language. And Creston-"

    Shut your face, Sam.

    But he was interrupted by a sound. A sound that Sam, or any other caravanner, had heard for a long time.

    Ray was laughing.

    It sounded like-
    well, damn, it makes me want to punch a dozen babies in the face, all at once.


    The Selkie had caught sight of Garrett's potato-covered face and burst out laughing. He rolled on in his back, clutching his stomach at the sight. Sam stopped his speech and then took a good look at Garrett. The male Clavat couldn't help himself. He began to laugh too. All the girls followed suit, while Creston let out a chuckle, and even Garrett laughed after he had a good look at himself in a mirror.

    He stroked his hair. The potatoe's flesh had a purty affect on his hair. He'd smash potatoes against his head more often.

    They moved on towards Goblin Wall, laughing all the way.

    0000000000000000000000000000

    "Well this isn't that bad," observed Creston as they walked through the miasma stream. "Just a bunch of sandstorms and rocks flying about."

    Aw yeah.

    "Yeah, but you wear a stupid helmet and don't even feel it when a rock hits you in the head," growled Mika. "Not to mention, sand in your eyes."

    That's why protagonists always wear goggles, Mika.

    Star was walking forward with her eyes closed. "I agree. The sand is a bit bothersome."

    Just a bit. I'm really sorry about it. Really, I'm sorry. I just have to apologize.

    Ray shrugged. "Better than fire I suppose. I didn't fancy having my clothing charred."

    Your clothing, I'd mind. Mika's clothing, no one would mind.

    Hearing the small joke from Ray made the caravanners think he was recovering.

    He was getting back to his old unfunny self.

    That was good. It was good to have the old Ray back.

    That's debatable.

    They were all briefly distracted as Mog was caught in a sandstorm, and Nieta and Creston had to fetch him out.

    Later that night, Ray had taken the first watch while the rest of the caravanners slept. He sat silently, before glancing around. He reached into his bag to pull something out…

    Ohohohoho an addict is Ray!

    "Ray," came a sharp voice behind him. Ray cursed under his breath.

    Curses! Foiled again!

    He turned around and found himself staring at Mika.

    He soiled himself. She was that damn ugly.

    Her arms were folded and she was eyeing him with suspicion. He tried to look innocent.

    Ray, innocent?
    BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL


    "What? Why are you up? I've got the first watch," said Ray, curiously. Mika rolled her eyes.

    "Don't beat around the bush, Ray. You know why I'm awake."

    Cause its your watch now?

    "I have no idea what you mean," said Ray, bewilderment creeping into his tone. Mika sighed.

    "All right Ray- hand it over."

    WHAT IS THIS IT SHE SPEAKS OF!?
    FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON FINAL FANTASY CRYSTAL CHRONICLES!


    "Hand what over?"

    WHAT IS THIS WHAT HE SPEAKS OF!? OMGIMUSTKNOW.

    "The bottle of whiskey in your bag."

    Lame, its not Vodka.

    Ray swore. "Damnit…how'd you know?"

    Girlhax?

    "Never mind how I know," said Mika briskly.

    Mika is spy. She has intelligence.

    She held out a hand. "Hand it over."

    Grumbling, Ray took out a bottle from his bag and gave it to her.

    "So this is how you get by?" she asked, glaring at him. "Pretending that you've recovered and secretly drowning your sorrows with alcohol?"

    ALCOHOLISM SOLVES EVERYTHING!

    "If your sibling died, you'd be drinking too," retorted Ray.

    "Maybe," admitted Mika. "But my friends would stop me. So I'm stopping you. Now get to bed. I have the next watch anyway."

    Lul, I was right.

    With an aggravated sigh, Ray walked over to his sleeping bag, but not before he looked back at Mika.

    Couldn't get enough of her fuglyness.

    "What?" she asked.

    "Thanks," he replied simply. Then he walked off and went to bed.

    Mika sighed as she gazed at the moon in the sky. It was difficult dealing with him, but at least he was recovering. She looked at the confiscated alcohol. Then she popped open the bottle and drank it.

    "Not bad," she said, licking her lips.

    Then she drowned her own problems out with alcohol.
    Mika, a hypocrite?
    BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL


    Ta-da.

    Favorite parts: Gurdy, Garrett's potato face, and Ray's whiskey problem.

    I'm not happy with this chapter at all. I think it's too short and not enough in it, but I'm busy. BUT THE NEXT ONE SHALL BE BETTER! AND LONGER!

    And harder.

    Note: Ray will be feeling better by Veo Lu Sluice. This chapter sorta focused on him, but I'm going to make sure not to do that. I don't want Ray to become a Mary Sue or somethin'.

    Oh, he's far from it.

    Next Chapter: As the Tipa Caravan moves toward the Vale of Alfitaria, shocking news is found out. Rumors are spreading throughout the roads of the world.

    Garrett's corner business is becoming a worldwide phenomenon!

    Mika: And now I get to request a review. Finally! So yeah, review, ideas, suggestions, blah blah blah.

    So enthusiastic. You needs moar alcohol.
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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:04 am


    25. Rumors, Robbers, and Romance!

    Good Lord

    Spoiler:

    Hello there! Welcome back to the story.

    Why do I feel like the Robot Chicken right now?

    Currently, we are sheltering Jack Moschet as he hides from his snake of a wife.

    She's a real fine lady that eats mice whole and never learns to shut her damn mouth. Trust us, its damn huge.

    Jack: Help me. ;_;

    Author:Shut your face, Wuss. You're worse than the Goblin King.
    Goblin King: *glares*


    Well, other than that, not much is goin' on. So let's get on with it.

    In this chapter, as I promised a large update, the gang is going to travel all the way into Veo Lu.

    Anyone who doesn’t know what Veo Lu is referring to is a horrible person.

    Hurrah!

    Looks like he's gotten into the sugar again.

    So, other than that, not much, but a lot of things are-

    Maggie: JACK! WHERE ARE YOU!

    Well, it's been great, but I've really gotta run! *flees with Jack*

    The wuss duo took a ride in their wussmobile and fled to their wuss cave.

    "GOD DAMNIT, SON OF A GOBLIN!" shouted Garrett painfully.

    Lianora sighed sympathetically. "Did you twist your ankle AGAIN?"

    A twisted ankle? Well, shit, we're gonna need a couple thousand potions for this one. I mean, massive amounts of blood loss, being crushed, and shattering bones are a piece of cake. But a bloody papercut? OH SHIT, TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

    Garrett nodded, his eyes burning with rage and embarrassment. While he had been training with his spear, the Lilty had twisted his ankle.

    It was his spear’s way of telling him to stop fondling it.

    A day later, he kept twisting it, as he refused to sit in the caravan and rest.

    Bondage man loves his abuse, get over it. Like you don't have your quirks.

    "That's what happens when you don't know when to quit," Creston explained logically.

    Que lmaos hard whenever I see ‘logically' in a fan fiction. Que needs serious help. Que needs to stop talking it third person.

    Garrett shot him a glare.

    He couldn't wait till he leveled up - eventually his eyes would be able to shoot daggers, maybe even lasers!

    "Oh shut up, metal head," snarled the Lilty.

    Then he started choking on his own slobber. He was sad, really.

    "Oh will ya both stop?" said Ray up ahead of them. The Selkie was walking far in front of the caravan. It was hard to see what he was doing up there.

    Logically, everyone knew what he was up to.
    heh
    logically


    Lia suddenly snapped her gaze towards him, and eyed him like a hawk.

    "Ray," she said sharply.

    "What?" he asked, running a hand absently through his hair.

    His perfect, shimmering, perfect, soft hair-

    "Give me the alcohol."

    "What alcohol?"

    "The one hidden in your shirt that you're drinking through a straw."

    How did Lianora know this?
    A simple, logical answer: MAGIC


    Swearing and cursing fluently under his breath, Ray walked back to Lia and handed her the bottle. Sam looked at him and sighed.

    Oh, how the clever have fallen. The old Ray would have hid the alcohol in his pants. Sure, it might stick out, but then again, why would anyone be looking there?

    "Ray, just give us all the liquor you have," said Sam wearily, rubbing his forehead. With an aggravated sigh, Ray opened his bag, and pulled out the contents. It turned out that the Selkie had stocked up after the gang had stayed for a night in Marr's Pass.

    Ray sighed and then started emptying Stars's purse. The others were shocked at how he was able to fit 30 cases inside it - naturally, Star was apologizing the entire time, for being stupid enough not to notice the cases.

    "How'd you manage to get that?" asked Star incredulously.

    Sam: How did it even fit in there?

    "You're not old enough to buy alcohol. You're only what…19…20?"

    Judging by their insecurity and maturity, I'd say 8.

    Mika let out a laugh. "What makes you think he bought it?"

    Star: ...so what did he do with that money I gave him?
    Ray: *hic* what's a little whiskey without a lot of gambling?


    Creston let out a contemptuous snort.

    He then turned into a pig. MAGIC

    "Not unlike a Selkie."

    Magnetism is caused by Racism. I have the proof somewhere in the nether regions of my bookbag, but I'm to lazy to fetch it right now.

    Both Selkies glared at him. Creston gave them a skeptical look.

    Garrett: OMG I GET IT! SELKIES ARE THEIVES AND ARE UNFUNNY AND ALL THEIR SISTERS HAVE BEEN TORN TO PIECES BY MONSTERS IN A PLACE CALLED CONALL CURACH AND THEY LIKE TO DROWN THEIR PROBLEMS WITH ALCOHOL AND UNFUNNY JOKES AND-

    "Don't deny it," he said sternly.

    The two selkies then shrugged and went back to enjoying their [s]crack[/s] striped apples.

    As Nieta listened to beginnings of a chaotic day, she looked out on the horizon. It truly was a great experience when you thought about it, travelling the world with your companions (no matter how much they argued with each other).

    Of course, if those companions were dense enough to dare to piss her off during her character development stage...

    They got to explore the world, when every other person had to stay in the crystal's protection.

    heh heh
    Protection


    It was something that few people experienced in a lifetime.

    This trip is like using crossdressing as a simile. It makes little or no sense, but in the long run, you laugh at it because its so damn absurd.

    As she looked ahead, towards the miasma stream that led to the Vale of Alfitaria, Nieta caught something in her sight. From a distance, it looked like a caravan. She strained her eyes and squinted as they moved closer. She saw three bodies on the ground.

    OMG AN ORGY GUYS LET'S JOIN EM'

    "Guys! Look over there!" the Lilty shouted. Instantly, Star and Sam were by her side.

    The others got distracted by a bunch of purty butterflies. Rightfully so, since the butterflies were mugging them.

    "Looks like trouble, let's go," said Sam. Everyone else nodded simultaneously.

    Except Ray, who yoinked a case of whiskey.

    00000000000000000000000000000

    As the caravan screeched to a halt next to the bodies, the caravanners recognized them as the Marr's Pass caravan.

    It took them a while to. The massive glowing neon sign on the side of the caravan announcing the Marr's Pass Caravan to the entire world, all day and all night, did not help.

    Star gasped. "What happened?"

    Marr’s Pass Caravan: We found some mushrooms that looked like the state of depression!
    Sam: Dude, sweet! That must've been like so totally trippy, man!


    "Oh…hey…," said one of the Lilties in a tired voice. He was lying on his stomach.

    "What happened?" demanded Nieta, her eyes wide with astonishment.

    Pay attention, dumbass, we already explained it!

    "We sorta ran into the Black Knight," explained a female Lilty.

    By ‘sorta' she means they collided in a giant fireball that burned the stupidity out of them. Naturally, it returned. There is no cure for stupidity.

    "Who's that Black Knight?" asked Creston, curiously.

    You don't want to know.

    "You don't know?" asked Garrett.

    The black night was the dream partner of every bondageman in the world. It was only natural that Garrett knew and fantasized about him day and night.

    Everyone was amazed. For once, Garrett knew something Creston didn't.

    "The Black Knight is one of the greatest warriors that is still alive to this day," explained Garrett. "He's a Lilty who dresses in black armor. That's how he got his name."

    Unfortunately, not even the most zealous of bondagemen know that the black night actually got his name from-
    Well, that's a story for another day.


    "Well, I wanted to see how good he was," explained the Lilty lying on his stomach. "So I challenged him."

    "He was…completely berserk…," said the third Lilty. "He just ran at us shouting something."

    LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY JENKINS

    "And he did this to you?" asked Lia. "My goodness…that boy has his work cut out for him…I wonder if he'll be able to go through with his plan."

    WHAT IS THIS PLAN!?

    "What boy?" asked Star.

    Author: Oh, I totally did not forget to write this into the chaper!

    "Well you see, while the three of you were at Tida…"

    Lianora was walking through Alfitaria, when she almost walked into a boy with a spear.

    Almost? Damn it, I need to start hiring better assassins.

    "Watch out!" shouted the child.

    I'M NOT TRYING TO IMPALE YOU OR ANYTHING!

    "I'm sorry," apologized Lianora, always eager to appease someone.

    Lia enjoys being submissive.

    "It's okay," said the boy. "Just be careful. Don't get in the way of my training."

    Lia was interested. "What are you training for?" she asked.

    WELL DUR I WANNA GET FRISKY WITH THE BLACK NIGHT!

    "The Black Knight killed my father," said the boy, hatred in his voice. "And I'm going to get revenge. I, Leon Esla, will avenge my father!"

    Inigo Montoya, he is not.

    00000000000000FLASHBACK END000000000000000000

    "That's no plan; that's suicide," said Creston, rolling his eyes.

    "Way to crush a kid's dream," said Garrett, giving Creston a glare.

    Creston can crush a kids dream without even talking to him. Damn, Creston is talented.

    "Oh yes- a child wanting to murder a vicious swordsman and become a great warrior.

    Great plan!

    Must remind you of yourself," theorized Creston scathingly.

    Garrett roared in rage,

    I am bitch, hear me roar.

    and was quickly restrained by Sam and Ray.

    Actually, he just started choking on his slobber again. Sam and Ray wouldn't mind letting go of him, really.

    "Well…here," said Star, digging in her bag. "We'll help you out and treat your injuries, okay? It must hurt…"

    "Thanks," muttered one of the Lilties.

    As Star treated the wounded Lilties, Sam drew the group close together.

    They missed the orgy, curses.

    "What do you think?" asked the Clavat.

    "I think the roads seem a lot more dangerous now," said Ray grimly. Creston nodded in agreement.

    Then Sam kicked Ray in the balls in agreement, then Garrett stroked Ray's hair in agreement.

    "We'll be fine," said Lia, although she sounded as though she was convincing herself as much as the others. "We'll just have to be a bit more wary."

    Those distracting butterflies will not distract us again-
    HEY LOOK DISTRACTING BUTTERFLIES! SO PURTY!


    Everyone else murmured their agreement, although they weren't entirely convinced that they would be alright.

    Damn distracting butterflies we damn distracting.

    After a brief trip to the Mine of Cathuriges and changing the chalice's element to fire, the group arrived at the miasma stream.

    Hopefully it'll tear the caravan to shreds.

    As they walked through, fire rained from above from time to time. The caravanners were careful not to get singed.

    ...

    Star was walking next to Sam, while Mika, Nieta, and Lia walked together, with all of them keeping an eye on Ray, who was a bit further back in the stream. Garrett and Creston walked on complete opposite sides of the trail.

    Star looked around uneasily. "I still haven't got used to these things"



    Sam smiled at her reassuringly. "Hey, don't worry, we've gotten through here before, and we will again." He offered her a hand. "You can hold my hand if it makes you feel better."

    Star blushed and took his hand, which did not go unnoticed by the group of girls nearby. Mika snickered, while Lia and Nieta went "Aw!"

    Que threw up.

    "Look at those two," said Mika, the smirk still on her face. "They're just a cute couple waiting to happen."

    "It's so romantic," gushed Nieta.

    Que threw up again.

    "Yeah, if only you and Garrett could get your feelings out," commented Lia. "And as for you, Mika, we all know that your eyes are all over Ray."

    WOAH NOW WHAT I SEE NONE OF THIS!

    "Because I know the idiot is gonna try and sneak some alcohol down his throat," said Mika, rolling her eyes.

    Drink alcohol!?
    ...
    So that's how you're supposed to chew it.


    "Denial," said Lia and Nieta at the same time.

    "No, denial is what Lia does when someone she likes Creston," said Mika.

    "Let's change the subject," said Lia quickly.

    OHOHOHOHOHOHO HYPOCROSY

    "What are you guys talking about?" asked Sam, curiosity in his voice.

    "What, we can't have a little girl talk?" asked Nieta.

    "Girl talk? Hang on I'll be there in a minute!" shouted Star across the miasma stream. She ran away from Sam over to the girls.

    ...
    Que knows how to girl talk. Raise your voice twenty octaves and complain about the most mundane of things without stopping for breath punctuation or clarity because only literary snobs care about being understood properly and girls can understand girls no matter how insane or stupid they may sound.
    True fact, this is.


    Sam felt rather disgruntled. "Great," he muttered. Ray gave him a sympathetic look.

    "Oh, cheer up dude, you'll bring her around eventually," advised the Selkie. Garrett, who was nearby, came walking over, while Creston subconsciously eased closer to talk with the boys.

    "You see Sam, girls are like cows," explained Ray.

    Especially Mika.

    "Did you just call Star a cow?" demanded Sam angrily.

    Sam wants to scrap.

    "No! I was just using an example…okay, fine…animals…girls are like animals," Ray corrected himself hastily.

    Sam: Are you saying I'm into bestiality?
    Ray: ...okay...


    "This coming from you, wild boy," muttered Garrett.

    ...what?

    Ray gave him a glare, but then continued.

    "Girls are like animals; they travel in packs…schools…uh…herds?"

    Cliques

    "Groups," said Creston helpfully.

    ...

    "Right!" said Ray. "So you see…until…uh…mating season…you're not going to be able to woo your mate."

    Until mating season. Then, its orgy city.

    Sam gave the Selkie a blank look. "What?"

    Sam Fangirls: AW SAM IS SO INNOCENT D’AW

    Creston sighed. "He's saying that you won't be able to win over Star until the right moment, so for now, just let her hang with the girls."

    "Oh. Wait, how do you know I like Star? And why couldn't you just say that in the first place instead of talking about animals?" asked Sam, trying not be embarrassed.

    ...
    At school, I've heard people say things that are even more painful to think about.


    "Your feelings for Star are so obvious, even Garrett's noticed," said Ray. Garrett muttered a curse at the Selkie.

    Wait, what are you guys talking about? Is this going to become a damn soap opera?

    "You didn't answer the second question. Why couldn't you just keep it simple?"

    "Simple isn't my style," said Ray smoothly, his classic smirk returning to his face.

    'Looks like Ray's feeling better,' thought Garrett darkly. 'Asshole.'

    Takes one to know one, Creston.

    The Tipa caravan travelled across the Vale of Alfitaria as the sun set in the evening sky. But little did they know, they were being watched from behind the trees.

    Damn creepers.

    "Alright then…," whispered Bal Dat, the leader of the Striped Brigands. "We've got them right where we want them. Understood?"

    "Yes sir!" said Meh Gaj.

    Meh. You should explain it again, I am not roused.

    "Hey, kupo," said Artemicion.

    Hey, kupo to you too, punk.

    "I just realized something."

    I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY!

    "Oh yeah?" said Bal Dat. "What?"

    Keys open locks. Locks open doors.
    KEYS OPEN DOORS! WE CAN GET INTO THAT BANK NOW!


    The striped moogles sighed. "I want to be a star. I want to be a light in the sky and guide others and shine down upon people."

    I have a dream too. I want to be the guy.

    "Wow…just wow…," muttered the elderly Selkie.

    That's deep, mahn.

    "Are you speechless with emotion, kupo?"

    "No, we're dumbfounded by your stupidity," said Bal Dat harshly. "Now shut up! Here they come! Get in position!"

    As the caravan reached a fork in the road, the thieves made their move.

    Artemicion and Meh Gaj both jumped in front of each path at the fork. Bal Dat, meanwhile, stood behind the caravan, blocking any escape.

    He loved being behind unsuspecting caravaners.

    "Alright then!" shouted Bal Dat. "Hand over all your valuables if you want to leave here!"

    Creston, who was currently at the helm, tried to assess the situation calmly. Star came up to him.

    "What do we do?" asked Star. Creston just shook his head.

    "You're not getting past me!" shouted Meh Gaj.

    "I don't know…but I don't think we should fight them…," thought Creston out loud.

    "For the love of…," muttered Ray. Then a devious smile formed on his face. He ran forward and pushed Creston out of the way.

    "Move over, helmet head, let me handle this!" yelled the Selkie, his smile making him look slightly crazed.

    ...
    slightly?


    "What are they doing, kupo?" asked Artemicion to Meh Gaj. Then Ray flicked the reins.

    Immediately, the papopotamus rushed forward. It charged towards the moogles and knocked him out of the way, sending him into the sky.

    Ray, meanwhile, still cackling, led the caravan away down the path. His laughter was loud, gleeful, but slightly maniacal. But it told every Tipa caravanner one thing.

    Ray was back!

    ...

    Meanwhile, at the fork in the road, the two Selkie bandits stared at the sky.

    "And so, he became a star," commented Meh Gaj.

    "Big time," said Bal Dat.

    ((Author's Note: I don't know the proper spelling of the creature that pulls the caravan (Papopotamus-thing). If anyone knows, please tell me how to spell it right. Thanks!))

    Oh, yes, Papapaopaopapoaapoaopaopaosos, they are very interesting animals There's very few of them left, but its not on the endangered species list - no one knows how to spell it.

    And so we are done with another chapter. Hurrah!

    Favorite Parts: The Boy/Girl talks in the miasma stream, and the Striped Brigands scene. But I also have two quotes I would like repeat here because I love them.

    ((1). "GOD DAMNIT, SON OF A GOBLIN!" shouted Garrett painfully.))

    Son of a fan-fiction writer...
    I think I just topped you.


    ((2). "That's no plan; that's suicide," said Creston, rolling his eyes.

    Nothing like a daily dose of cynicism to keep the doctor away!

    "Way to crush a kid's dream," said Garrett, giving Creston a glare.

    "Oh yes- a child wanting to murder a vicious swordsman and become a great warrior. Must remind you of yourself," theorized Creston scathingly.

    So optimistic!

    Garrett roared in rage, and was quickly restrained by Sam and Ray. ))

    I'm sorry Garrett, but Creston owned you with that one. XD

    u mad, Garrett?

    So I built up the plot a tad bit more. Black Knight. Go him. And I even included little Leon Esla. Murderous little brat.

    Author, you fool, you're foreshadowing when your not supposed to be foreshadowing. Well, I guess is just foreshadowing of more improper foreshadowings...Have a mentioned a foreshadowing here yet, its pretty foreshadowingtastic.

    As for the Striped Brigands…I included that purely for the humor value.

    Romance appears. If you haven't noticed, I kept it within the same race.

    WHAT!? NO INTERRACIAL ROMANCE!?

    There are little hints in there. DON'T WORRY! I am NOT going to start focusing on romance more than action! I hate fics that start out good, but become a soap opera.

    Well, don't worry about this one, you'll hate it either way. It never was good.
    Razz


    Sam and Star are being flirty, Garrett and Nieta don't know a thing about love, Mika's in denial, while Ray flirts with her without shame. And Creston and Lia…well…tiny spoiler, they're the last couple to get together, so…they won't be touched upon TOO much until later.

    And then, there will be a lot of touching.

    NEXT CHAPTER: Veo Lu Sluice. The source of water for the Jegon River. The caravan faces its toughest dungeon yet. Can they cope with griffins, toads, and the sinister, clever, Lizardmen?

    Clever?
    Well, team prick, logically, is quite screwed.


    Creston: And I finally get to request a review. Joy. So review, please. *turns to Garrett* That's how you ask for a review.

    Shut your face Creston.

    Garrett: YOU TRYIN' TO START SOMETHING!

    Creston and Garrett are the true couple here.
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    Soul
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    Join date : 2011-03-17

    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

    Post by Soul on Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:05 am


    26. Dashing Through the Sluice

    Spoiler:
    Finally…after a really friggin' long time, I finally GOT MY LAPTOP WORKING!

    ...
    yay


    HOORAH! So sorry for no updates for awhile…my Microsoft fails…

    So this chapter, we FINALLY GET TO ANOTHER DUNGEON! This time we're live at Veo Lu Sluice.

    You wouldn't believe how many times it took these guys to get their lines right - it really sucks to be live.

    I happen to enjoy this level. It's a very unique level with a couple of strange puzzles. But I always get lost…damnit.

    Aw yeah, we understand completely.

    On another note, we are no longer sheltering Jack Moschet. We have traded with Maggie for something almighty and extremely brilliant.

    Crack.

    Jack: A STRIPED APPLE! YOU TRADED ME FOR A STRIPED APPLE!

    Totally not worth it.

    Me: Well…the Striped Brigands did it for Gurdy…

    A joke that only makes sense if you've played through this game several billion times.

    Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to 62 because she guessed Sam's dream all that long time ago. (See the "Fever" chapter for more) Razz

    This chapter is dedicated to 69 because she is amazing at what she does.

    ANOTHER WARNING! In this chapter, we introduce the lizardmen. Now, the lizardmen always hiss on their s's (like 'sss') so be cautious of the…sssing?

    ...

    Well…now that we're updated, shall we get back to this lovely story…of death?

    AW YEAH.

    0000000000000000000000000000

    "Why does it have to be cold?" whined Nieta.

    Nieta, I don't think anyone would mind throwing you into a volcano. I'd say they're quite hot, but enjoyable.

    "Because we're up north, and it's cold up there," explained Lianora.

    DERP

    Garrett snorted. "It's only a little chill, stop whining."

    Bondageman endured the elements in his bondage armor, which consisted of-
    Well, lets just say the ratio of his exposed skin to the leather is a very high number.


    The Tipa caravanners were moving through Veo Lu. They could see Lake Shella in the distance. The sky was cloudy gray, but the air was very refreshing. And as Nieta had said, it was a bit colder than any other area they had been in.

    Star, who was currently hugging Mog to keep warm, looked over at the arguing group. "Come on guys, let's not argue," she said.

    "Hey, Nieta's got a point," said Mika, rubbing her arms. "It isn't exactly tropical here."

    "You know, I could warm you up real good if you let me," said Ray, winking.

    Garrett: Dur, I don't get it....

    Mika sighed. "I almost miss the depressing alcoholic."

    Remember this kids: alcohol solves everything and makes you much more attractive!

    "Ha-ha," said Ray sarcastically. He was clearly ashamed of how depressed he had become over the whole sister's death thing.

    Garrett: YEAH, CONSIDERING HOW YOU MIGHT FIND HER TORN UP CORPSE AT THE BOTTOM OF A FLAMING LAKE!

    "Well, to break up the flirting, Veo Lu Sluice is just ahead," remarked Creston, pointing. Everyone turned their heads. Connecting to the large lake was a bunch of little pools with water inside.

    In each was a skinnydipping old crone.
    What is seen cannot be unseen.


    "Shall we go then? Everyone got your stuff? Do we still have the moogle?" asked Sam. Everyone nodded. "Then let's go."

    Mog: ...oh come on, give me a damn break-

    The caravan moved on. Ray wrapped an arm around Mika. Mika shot him a look.

    "You never said no," he said with a smirk on his face.

    Mika was about to make a scornful comeback, but instead she wrapped an arm around Ray's waste.

    I've seen funnier malapropisms

    Ray's eyes widened as he looked at her in confusion.

    He shat brix - he was just trolling - but now shit just got real.

    "I think I could warm you up," she said in a seductive tone. Ray's eyebrows rose in amazement. Mika laughed at his expression before walking ahead of him.

    He didn't notice she stole his pants.

    "And she called me an alcoholic. What the hell is she drinking?" asked Ray to himself.

    Veo Lu Sluice was a bit more peaceful than they expected, but that opinion was soon to be changed.

    They were about to walk in on the set of a twilight re-enactment. Teams Edward and Jacob were out for blood. Team Prick would lose hard.

    "Sam! Watch out! It's a bomb!" shouted Garrett. Sam whirled around and knocked the creature away. It landed in one of the many pools of water. There was a sound of an explosion under water, but only a few bubbles rose to the surface.

    Lame. Needs moar explosions and american flags waving in the distance and flaming meteors falling from the sky and giant robots and-

    "Thanks for the warning," said Sam, stunned.

    Nieta should say thanks too.

    The sluice was very large and sandy. There were many ruins of buildings and fences, showing that at one point, before miasma struck there may have been civilization there. Trees and bushes had grown over the remains. But all in all, it was very beautiful.

    Sounds like the kind of place a BP oil spill would drastically improve.

    "Pity that the world is covered by a deadly substance, or I would remember this place for a vacation.

    BP: WTF WE SAID WE WERE SORRY!

    It's very lovely here," said Ray glancing around. Everyone stared at him.

    Garrett raised an eyebrow. "You'd take a vacation in a big lake-side area, where there aren't any pretty girls for a mile around? That's not like you."

    Ray looked offended. "Dude, just because I enjoy the female species DOESN'T mean they're the only thing on my mind."

    ...
    I can't say the same thing.


    "So why would you want a vacation here?" asked Garrett.

    "I like water."

    GALLONS OF WATER ALL OVER MY FACE AW YEAH

    "What was that 'no pretty girls for miles around' comment supposed to mean, Garrett?" asked Lianora, folding her arms. Garrett felt a sweat drop.

    ...

    "Yes Garrett, please explain," said Mika, a dark expression on her face.

    ...>.<

    Garrett was rubbing his head, trying to think of a response.

    "Well? We're waiting," said Star.

    stfu fatass I'm thinking

    All four girls were giving the poor Lilty a death glare. If looks could kill, Garrett would have been dead in three seconds.

    In three seconds? Lame, my girlfriend's stare could kill an army from a mile away.

    "Well, uh-," began the Lilty.

    "Let's change the subject," urged Sam. All the girls snapped their eyes on him. Sam would've wet his pants if he was a year or two younger.

    He did anyway.

    "Why Sam?" demanded Nieta hotly. "Why do you want to change the subject so badly? Hunh!"

    Good Lord

    Ray and Creston exchanged a glance. Being the two smooth talkers of the group, they decided to take action. Ray covered Garrett's mouth, and Creston did the same with Sam.

    "What Garrett MEANT to say," Creston explained. "Is that he doesn't think of you as girls but-"

    Hermaphrodites.

    "WHAT!" shouted Nieta.

    "He considers you refined, smart, and powerful women who could kick his ass any time," said Ray. "And the same is true with all of us guys."

    Smooth talker my ass. If Que were the smooth talker in charge of saving their asses, he'd give the madwomen a reason a massacre Garrett, then tell them they're above that.
    Then of course, he'd throw Garrett in a volcano. Cause that would be hot.


    Garrett was protesting, but his words were muffled. Sam was waving his hands trying to get everyone's attention.

    "Oh…why didn't you just say so?" asked Star. The girls calmed down. Sam was still waving his arms and Garrett was still talking against his hand.

    DERPITYDERPITYDERP

    "Well it's good to know we're WOMEN," said Mika shrugging.

    Oh, I have a better term than that.

    Sam was waving his arms even more rapidly, and Garrett bit Ray's hand.

    Garrett loves the taste of flesh in the morning.

    "What is with you two?" asked Creston. They both uncovered the twos' mouths.

    "DUCK!" they both screamed at the same time.

    They pay attention to the important details, I see.
    =
    Don't thank me for helping you.

    "Where?" asked Ray.

    THE PINK CIRCLE DUMBASS.

    Everyone else had ducked down.

    Idiots

    A cutlass went flying over the heads of the caravanners (or in Ray's case, right past) and landed in the ground blade-first.

    The caravanners whirled around and saw a bizarre creature standing there.

    Ex-Girlfriend alert.

    Its body structure was similar to a man's, but the appearance was completely different. It was covered in green scales and each finger and toe was tipped with a claw. A long spiny tail was waving absently behind it. It was wearing simple armor. But the most appalling thing was the face. It was lean and evil looking, and was that of a lizard. A tongue flicked out every couple of seconds, swiping itself around the jaws. Cold yellow eyes glittered with menace.

    It was every bondageman's dream.

    Ray looked at Sam. "That's not a duck. You lied."

    Well, to be fair, its name is Duck...

    "A lizardman…," muttered Creston uneasily. The creatures were known for strength, speed, and unrivaled cunning.

    And their awesome robot dance choreography.

    "Ssso," hissed the beast, his teeth making a sinister grin. "What do we have here, hmm? A group of caravannersss exploring the sssluice?"

    "No, we're here for the tree, dumb assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss," snarled Garrett, spear in hand. The lizardman's leering grin widened.

    "Ah, yesss," crooned the monster. "But don't think it'sss going to be that easssy." With those words, he snapped his fingers. Two creatures joined him. The first one was small and gelatinous, and was light blue in color; a water flan. The second monster was also blue, but it was large. Its body was fat and bulky. This was a gigan toad, an amphibious creature that was often found in the wetlands.

    Some liked to hang out in volcanoes. They were quite the rebels.

    "Ssso…let'sss sssee how ssstrong you really are," said the reptilian monster. "Attack!"

    The water flan slid forward, spraying a frigid gas at the caravanners. Only Nieta and Ray were hit, and the two groaned as they felt the familiar effects of a slow spell.

    Mika swung for the creature, but the flan moved out of the way.

    HIT MOVING TARGETS!? ARE YOU INSANE!?

    As Sam ran forward, he was forced to stop to avoid a blizzard spell cast by the gigan toad. Creston was about to cast a spell, when he heard a swishing sound behind him. Creston barely had time to dodge the sword of the lizardman, who had retrieved his blade.

    Lia, who wasn't being attacked, had charged up a fire spell and sent it at the flan. The creature shuddered violently. Sam swiftly moved forward and struck a finishing blow. The flan was reduced to a bubbling pile.

    Star had aimed a lightning spell at the toad, who had countered with a blizzard spell of its own. Garrett ran forward straight at the beast, spear in hand, when the unexpected happened. The gigan toad's tongue shot out of its mouth and licked Garrett's head.

    I expected that.

    Silence.

    That too.

    "…aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAARGH!" yelled Garrett, wiping his face as quick as he could. "That's gross! It smells like ass!"

    Garrett knows this smell very well.

    Ray and Nieta, although still under the slow spell, doubled over laughing hysterically. Sam hastily turned his own laugh into a cough, while Star covered her mouth with her hands. Even the lizardman chuckled, which gave Creston the opening he needed.

    Creston wishes it still were the 90‘s, when it was hammer time all the time.

    He struck the reptile with his hammer, sending it sprawling across the landscape, before sending a fire spell to finish it off. The lizardman shuddered and jerked but in the end remained still. As the toad shot out his tongue at Garrett again, the fuming Lilty grabbed the toad's tongue and cut it off, before jabbing his spear in the poor creature's throat.

    He took the tounge as as a souvineer. He loved the smell of ass.

    With a gurgling croak, the beast rolled over and died.

    "You know, those toads could be good pets," remarked Mika thoughtfully.

    I was going to make a bestiality joke here but-
    Guess I just did.


    Garrett gave her a death glare.

    Mika: u mad?

    The gang moved on before they came up to another obstacle: two lizardmen and a gigan toad. The reptiles noticed them right away.

    "Intrudersss," said one of them. "How on earth did they manage to get passst Ssservall?"

    "I have no idea, Raussst," growled the other one. "They mussst've caught him by sssurprissse."

    That was really uncool, Creston. Really.

    "Ssshall we dissspossse of them, Zesssall?" asked the lizardman named Raust.

    "Yesss," hissed Zesall. "Let'sss."

    SSSSSSo I heard you like lissssssssping.

    Both lizardmen rushed forward, but right before they could attack, Creston and Lia casted a Thundaga spell together. Both creatures fell to the ground in a heap. Garrett, meanwhile, hurled his spear at the toad, with his weapon stabbing it in the side. Before the toad could defend itself, Star ran forward and ran the creature through with her sword. Sky blue blood poured from the dead monster.

    I'm still waiting for the monster that spout rainbow blood. Someday, Que...someday...

    Creston turned around to check if the two lizardmen were dead, but the bodies had disappeared!

    Team Prick just loved to bum rush things, there didn't take into account the important details. Like ducks hightailing it.

    "They've either dissolved into miasma, or escaped," commented the Yuke. "Either way, let's move on."

    He failed to notice Rausssssssst's tail disappearing around a bush.

    I'll get you next time, Gadget...

    000000000000000000000000

    Eventually, the caravanners came to a door. Creston walked up to it and examined it closely.

    "It has a keyhole," he reported. "But no monster is nearby…so where is the key?"

    Everyone began to look. But no one could find the elusive key.

    It was hidden behind a sign which read: key not hidden behind here.
    Hey, if you can't trust road signs, what can you trust?


    "Where could it be?" asked Garrett, taking a step back. Click.

    Garrett looked down to find that he had stepped on a switch!

    OMG PUZZLE-SOLVING TIME

    As he stood on it, a few feet away, water burst out of a spring hole. A key shot out of the water. Garrett ran to grab it but the key and the water flowed back into the hole.

    Well, this puzzle certainly has me blown.

    "Wait!" shouted Star. "Garrett, stay on that switch!" Garrett obeyed and key emerged again. Star grabbed it.

    Garrett loves to obey his dominatorix.

    "That was rather complex for such a wild environment," observed Lia.

    Its simple plumbing. The author even stated some long-gone civilization must've been here. Did the strategy guide mention that, Lia. HUH!? WHAT!? WAHT?

    "Whatever, we've got the key, so let's keep going," said Mika, as Star placed the key in the lock.

    As the gang walked into another clearing they were met by two lizardmen, and a blue bomb.

    "Watch out for the blizzard bomb," warned Lia. "They'll freeze you instead of burning you.

    "I would never guess that from their name," said Ray in a sarcastic drawl that was worthy of Creston.

    Creston didn't approve. It was too flat for his tastes.

    At the sound of voices, the lizardmen turned and attacked. The bomb started to cast a meteor spell.

    "Someone! Get the bomb!" shouted Sam.

    SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB.

    Garrett ran forward and swung his spear. He missed the first time, but managed to make contact on the second strike. The bomb didn't die, but it was sent soaring away. It hurtled toward Sam and one of lizardmen. As Sam was about to strike a blow to the reptile, the bomb got in the way and was pierced by his sword. As the bomb began to glow, Sam dropped his sword and dove for cover, and managed to avoid being caught in the icy blast that followed. The unfortunate lizardman was caught in the blast, and Ray and Mika made short work of him.

    "Larisss!" shouted the other lizardman in dismay. But before he could make a response, he found himself with a spear in his stomach.

    Navel piercing are so totally in.

    Dark blood welled up from the wound as the monster fell still. Nieta shook the body off of her spear and the caravan moved on.

    Pro Tip: Don't hire Nieta to give you a piercing.

    They came to a clearing with three lizardmen and a water flan. They had faced worse odds.

    As Sam shouted a battle cry,

    TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

    and the friends moved forward, they were interrupted by a loud noise. It sounded like…wings?

    Flap flap flap…

    And then they saw it. A griffin was soaring down from the clouds in the blue sky, screeching loudly.

    It reminded Garrett of Justin Bieber's last concert. Garrett once wrote a fanfiction in which the Biebz was the black night. What is read cannot be unread.

    "Well then…this could be trouble," murmured Creston.

    "Let's go already!" roared Garrett.

    As they rushed forward, two of the lizardmen headed for Garrett and Star. The third stayed back and began to hiss magical words.

    "Crap…a mage," said Lianora, who began to cast a spell of her own.

    Mika wax dealing with the water flan. It kept trying to whack her

    That's what you do when you're in the mob.

    (well…whatever it was doing with that jelly body).

    AWWWWW YEAH

    Mika managed to dodge and cast a fire spell on the creature. It let out a gurgle, and managed to throw one last strike at her before it died. Mika groaned and wiped the gelatinous goo off of herself.

    "Ew," she said.

    She was secretly turned on.

    Garrett was dueling with his monster, but just as he was about to sever the thing's head, a blast from the sky came down and froze him. Taking the opportunity, the lizardman stabbed him.

    Then it ran off and cried, apologizing all the way. What was it thinking, doing something logical! How could it be so stupid to attack a protagonist?

    "Gah!" yelped Garrett as he unfroze. "Where the hell did that come from?"

    It came down from the sky, derp.

    Ray, who was currently hanging on a flying griffin, gave the Lilty an apologetic look.

    Star: ON NO THAT'S MY JOB. sorry...anger issues...sorry...

    "Sorry, he's a little hard to control…" called the Selkie. Garrett just snarled a reply, and finished his job of severing the lizardman's head. Meanwhile, Lianora was having trouble with her lizardman, who kept dodging her magic attacks. Nieta ran over to help her. The Lilty girl made the mage dodge into Lia's magical attack. The lizardman was struck by lightning and paralyzed, making it an easy kill for Nieta. Meanwhile, Star parried a lizardman's blow and cut him open. The lizardman let out a cry and dropped his sword as he fell to the ground, dead.

    Lol sexism: There's no such thing as a female monster!
    Maggie is negligible.


    Ray was thrown off the griffin (who he had been clutching the stomach of). He landed on the ground, sand rising around him.

    "Okay, we can take a griffin," said Sam. The griffin let out a screech and another griffin flew in.

    "Or two," said Nieta, shrugging.

    Then a duck swat team parachuted in, backed up by a squadron of gigan toads and tiny worms, which were backed up by a plethora of bombs.

    Nieta swore.


    Everyone rushed forward to attack the creatures. Mika sent projectiles at the first griffin, but the monstrous bird-creature rose into the air and sent another frozen blast down at the caravanners.

    Well, at least she's not using aura blasts.

    Mika dodged, but the blast wound up hitting Creston, and the male Yuke was frozen solid.Garrett, Sam, and Ray all attacked the griffin, with Ray leaping on the back of the creature.

    Ray mounted things often.

    The griffin shrieked, and stomped the ground, sending a shockwave rippling towards Garrett and Sam. The two were sent flying backwards. Ray continued to pummel the griffin on the head with his racket, and he kicked his legs on the sides of the griffins.

    Oops.

    You know how if you kick a horse, it will "giddy up". Imagine that with a griffin. The griffin rose into the air, taking Ray with it.

    HOW LOGICAL
    HOW NOSTALGIC


    Meanwhile, Lianora sent a fire spell at the second griffin, while Nieta stabbed it furiously. The griffin knocked Nieta back with its tail and sent a magic shot at Lia. Both fighters were hit, but the distracted griffin became an easy target for Star, who made an uppercut that slashed open the avian monster's body. The griffin let out a final squawk before falling to the ground.

    Ray was still riding his griffin, until the creature landed on the ground and shook Ray off. As Ray was about to make a strike, the griffin swung its tail at him.

    Wham!

    "Mommy…," whispered Ray in a high voice, clutching his crotch as he fell to the ground. Garrett, Sam, and Creston all flinched.

    Mika: That Griffin would make a good pet.

    "Oh god…that's just…poor guy…," said Creston, bowing his head in respect.

    "No man deserves that," said Sam, wincing at the memory in his head.

    Mika, rolling her eyes, finished off the griffin.

    She decided it wouldn't make a good pet. It didn't have the proper ball whacking technique.

    It fell down and dropped something.

    "Hmm? What's this?" asked Mika, picking it up. It appeared to be a blue ring.

    OMG HE WENT TO JAREDS!

    "That's a Blizzard ring," confirmed Creston after examining it. "It allows you to perform better ice magic."

    "Can I have it?" asked Garrett.

    FU NO

    "Finders keepers," retorted Mika, with a smirk that was not unlike Ray.

    Hey, Mr. Griffin, mind nailing her in the crotch too? I think we may have another Ray on our hands here.

    "So there's the door, and I sense the myrrh tree beyond it…," said Creston. "But where's the key?"

    "So let's look for it," said Ray. He had gotten over his crotch shot, but fell over, clutch his stomach.

    "Ray? What's wrong?" asked Star.

    "My…stomach hurts…," said Ray, moaning slightly.

    "That's what happens when you ride a griffin out of the crystal's barrier," said Creston. "Didn't you learn ANYTHING in the Mushroom Forest in Chapter 5?"

    WHAT HAPPENED THEN!?

    "Chapter 5?" asked Sam.

    Silly Creston, you must be referring to Chapter 97, that one was one pretty lulzy chapter.

    "Never mind," muttered Creston.

    "So, where's the key?" asked Garrett.

    "How about we press this switch?" asked Lianora, standing by a switch. She stepped on it.

    Ackbar: ITS A TRAP

    Far away, a spurt of water rose out of a hole, carrying a key with it.

    "One problem," said Nieta. "It's out of the crystal's barrier, and if we all go to get it, Lia will have to step off the switch to come with us."

    Ackbar: Told you

    "Then let me run out and get it, because we Selkies are fastest, and Ray is well…in pain," offered Mika.

    Living up to stereotypes, Mika? Aren't you routinely pissed off by racism?

    Everyone nodded. The Selkie girl quickly ran out, swiped the key, and ran back to the barrier.

    "Good job!" said Star. "Do you feel okay?"

    "Slight headache, but I'm fine," assured Mika. "Let's move on."

    "Agreed," said Creston. Mika put the key in the lock, and the large wooden door open. The eight warriors (and Mog) all walked on to retrieve the myrrh.

    Mog: ...oh come on, I'm doing all the heavy lifting here...

    00000000000000000000

    Finally, I got another chapter done. I'm sorry it took so long, but I hope I can get more chapters finished early.

    Favorite parts: Mika's "seduction", Garrett getting licked by the toad, and poor Ray's crotch shot (and especially how the men reacted).

    Ssso, about thisss chapter.

    When Mika ssseduced Ray, it wasss reverssse psssychology. (Okay enough hissing)

    NO THERE IS NO SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUCH THING ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TOO MUCH HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSING ITSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TOTALLY UNIQUE AND ORIGINAL. YOU SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHALL NOT BETRAY ME, AUTHOR!

    And apparently it worked. Ray has been put in his place.

    Veo Lu is large, but you see, getting to the boss isn't that long. Now if you get every treasure chest and enemy, THEN it becomes long. That being said, I shortened it a bit.

    NOTE: Soon, the levels are going to start becoming REALLY long.

    But not as long as my eDick.
    NOTHING
    compares.


    In the cases of a really long level, I will divide up the chapters of the level, not only the level and the boss. I'm planning on about three for Conall Curach, maybe four for Rebena Te Ra, Three for Selepation Cave, and at least three for Lynari Desert. Daemon's Court and Mount Kilanda are both pretty short, so I'll probably only have two for them (although I'm having a plot twist in Daemon's Court).

    Next Chapter: The gang is about to get the tree. The golem would let them pass, but since they've got Mog, who technically is a monster, the golem attacks. The gang must now fight the monster on behalf of a poor moogle.

    Ray: And finally, the last caravanner gets a review. I would've been before Creston, but I was drunk at the time. So yeah, people, review and uh…well…I dunno, just…review…or something.

    Mika: You call THAT a review request?

    Ray: Hey, I have a review request for you. *wink*

    Mika: Bring it on. *smirk* I'll kick your ass.

    Garrett: Which one is the drunk here?

    Que: You're the one who drinks alcohol by the barrel, shut your face, Garrett.
    Garrett: Like, oh my god, so abusive, like, spare me!
    Que: ...
    Good lord I'm turning into the author, quickly, someone force me to read Mrs. Dalloway!
    Garrett: Oh, a masochist reading a boring lesbian romance novel, how exciting!


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    Re: MST- Tipa's Crystal Chronicles by Dark Amphithere

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      Current date/time is Sat Jan 19, 2019 2:11 am